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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this strange?

75 replies

whattheblazes · 08/09/2015 19:17

Right I'll just give all the info...

I'm an only child so I don't know if this is strange. I'm getting married in Feb and DH to be has a younger brother who got married in August and their DM and DF gave the brother and new wife a considerable amount of money to get their kitchen done up as a wedding present. I get a bit embarrassed discussing money so I've never mentioned anything about our wedding to my DH to be regarding being given money by his DP. I would see it as entitled and a bit crass. Anyway...my DH to be mentioned to me last week that they'd said they'd maybe pay for our cake and I said that was lovely and would of course be appreciated. It was then followed by him saying that since we are set in our house and have been together for 10 years (since school) we wouldn't be getting anything else. I didn't say anything...just a gave him a nod. Now I'm asking those of you who have more than one DC (I only have a DD) or have siblings if this is normal to give one child something and not the other? I cannot bring myself to say anything but I don't know if it's strange? Hmm

OP posts:
MrsGinnyPotter · 08/09/2015 19:18

Yanbu and Personally yes.... IMO you give to all or none!

eatyouwithaspoon · 08/09/2015 19:20

I would give the same to both DC no matter what the circumstances so as to not cause any resentment between them, YANBU

MaidOfStars · 08/09/2015 19:23

My parents have always matched any gifts they have given to either me or my brother. They are openly and scrupulously fair about it.

fredfredgeorgejnrjnr · 08/09/2015 19:24

fairness is not giving everyone the same, YABU

Lweji · 08/09/2015 19:25

My parents are always very fair about gifts too.

Lweji · 08/09/2015 19:25

fairness is not giving everyone the same, YABU

What is fairness, then?

Original poster
whattheblazes · 08/09/2015 19:26

I'm glad I'm not the only one who can't understand it. I know it's not right but it's really made me see them in a different light. I don't see the point in bringing it up as money is just not worth an argument but I really feel like distancing myself from them

OP posts:
Original poster
whattheblazes · 08/09/2015 19:27

Fredfred....you and I have a different definition of fairness then Hmm

OP posts:
Twooter · 08/09/2015 19:29

I would wait and see if they actually do just give you cake. They maybe don't want to talk money until you're officially we'd.

dementedDementor · 08/09/2015 19:30

Yanbu but dp's parents did a similar thing. They spent a fortune paying for most of his sister's wedding a few years ago, but contributed a token amount to his two brothers who married before and the one who married after. They've said they wanted to give their only dd the wedding of her dreams or some such crap. Hmm

bluebellforest · 08/09/2015 19:30

fred you're talking shit!
Awful behaviour, op. If I was your DH to be, I would be very hurt.

DansonslaCapucine · 08/09/2015 19:31

I am one of four. Two of my siblings have been given far more by my parents than us other two. They need/needed it.

Doesn't bother me.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 08/09/2015 19:32

Hmm I can see it both ways tbh. I know my parents give my sister a lot of financial help but her circumstances are different to mine on the other hand if I totted up the amount of money they have spent on my dc's in terms of gifts, days out, holidays, helping me out with childcare etc then I feel it really just evens itself out.

So like fred says we don't get the same but it is fair

Lweji · 08/09/2015 19:34

I wouldn't distance myself for now. They may see it as helping a child who needs it, and could easily be prepared to help you out when you need it too.
If they failed then, I would consider distancing myself.

Or could have made will provisions. Who knows?

yorkshapudding · 08/09/2015 19:36

YANBU. My understanding is that if you can't afford to do it for both kids, you don't do it for either. However, i have realised not all families work like this since DH's parents announced, ever so casually, that they had bought his sister a house. They just assumed that we would think this was lovely news and it clearly hadn't occurred to them that it was a blatant favoritism. We said nothing. There was no point creating uneccessary drama.

sliceofsoup · 08/09/2015 19:36

It is unfair and YANBU to feel the way you do. I don't think it is strange though, favouritism does seem to be very common, sadly.

Being fair doesn't always mean treating the same, but certain life events should be treated the same. Getting married is getting married, whether you have been together 1 year or 10. If the OP's house doesn't require a kitchen then the value of the kitchen should be gifted in cash or something of equal value.

One son gets a kitchen, costing what, a few grand? And the other gets a cake, costing less than ??500. That is unbelievable!!

Are they treated differently in other ways OP?

MagicalHamSandwich · 08/09/2015 19:40

From each according to their ability to each according to their need, I say.

I'm one of two sisters. Of the two of us I am the professionally successful one and have a very decent income (I actually earn more than either of my parents). My lovely baby sister has still not quite figured out what to do with her life at 30. She was a PT teacher and currently works overseas for some sort of a charity which is really rather some old British folks' hobby horse.

My mum supports her financially with several grand a year. She doesn't give me money nowadays. And I think this is absolutely alright. On the other hand I get hand knitted socks, which I love, because I'm the one with the cold feet. My sister doesn't.

Not every child in a family has the same needs. Being fair IMO doesn't mean treating everyone the same but investing in each child what they need the most.

MaidOfStars · 08/09/2015 19:41

fairness is not giving everyone the same, YABU
Well, indeed. My brother would look shit in a wedding dress Grin So he got a new car.

DisappointedOne · 08/09/2015 19:42

Completely normal in DH's family; hell would freeze over before it happened in mine.

Witchend · 08/09/2015 19:44

Are you sure you nearly dh didn't have a conversation where he said "we don't need much, would you pay for the cake" ?

I know with my and dh siblings our parents have asked us what we want, and I assume they're similar value, but the gifts are vastly different and ours is definitely the best and I am sure they might be envious.Wink

60sname · 08/09/2015 19:50

Both our parents and ILs are scrupulous about giving us and our siblings the same, despite varying circumstances.

Original poster
whattheblazes · 08/09/2015 19:50

I think it was quite blunt that as we've been together for years and have built a life for ourselves we wouldn't get anything other than maybe a cake. I'm looking back and we've never taken any money off them in the past and their grand children are treated equally but I guess we don't seem to qualify for any gift Grin

OP posts:
DevonFolk · 08/09/2015 19:52

It all depends on the situations. I'm a LP so my parents have probably helped me a bit more financially than they have my DSis.

However, when it came to our weddings they were scrupulously fair. My wedding cost less than my DSis's so they gave me and XH extra cash for our honeymoon to keep it equal.

MamaLazarou · 08/09/2015 19:56

I don't think it's odd. My mum paid for both of my sister's weddings but didn't contribute towards mine. I didn't mind.

ImperialBlether · 08/09/2015 20:01

Oh you have got to set up a friend to ask them at the wedding "Ohhh I have to ask because I know you gave your other son such a fabulous kitchen when he got married... What did you get blazes and DH?" Eyes wide open, prepared to make a fuss of the fab present.