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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this strange?

75 replies

whattheblazes · 08/09/2015 19:17

Right I'll just give all the info...

I'm an only child so I don't know if this is strange. I'm getting married in Feb and DH to be has a younger brother who got married in August and their DM and DF gave the brother and new wife a considerable amount of money to get their kitchen done up as a wedding present. I get a bit embarrassed discussing money so I've never mentioned anything about our wedding to my DH to be regarding being given money by his DP. I would see it as entitled and a bit crass. Anyway...my DH to be mentioned to me last week that they'd said they'd maybe pay for our cake and I said that was lovely and would of course be appreciated. It was then followed by him saying that since we are set in our house and have been together for 10 years (since school) we wouldn't be getting anything else. I didn't say anything...just a gave him a nod. Now I'm asking those of you who have more than one DC (I only have a DD) or have siblings if this is normal to give one child something and not the other? I cannot bring myself to say anything but I don't know if it's strange?

OP posts:

YouMakeMyDreams · 09/09/2015 07:00

On the surface it seems unfair but I do agree with Fred about fairness isn't always about getting the same. I am one of three and our parents haven't always given us the same at the same time but have helped us all out at various times when we have needed it. Even at Christmas my sister probably gets a little more than me and my brother because she is in her own with her only family being us and my parents but my brother and I have bigger families because we have in laws etc. Also there is more of us in our household so the Christmas budget has to go further.

They maybe just don't want to spend thousands for the sake of spending thousands and would help further down the line if you needed it.

HoggleHoggle · 09/09/2015 07:00

I agree that fair doesn't always mean the same but in this situation, it does actually. Unless OP hasn't mentioned that BIL is really struggling financially, this looks as though one son got a massive wedding gift and the other won't. When it comes to gifts actually fair does mean the same. IMO.

BlueMoonRising · 09/09/2015 07:00

Easily sorted.

Get this woman to make your cake www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3226546/Don-t-choke-price-tag-Designer-creates-world-s-expensive-cake-wealthy-Arab-family-costing-50million-comes-complete-4-000-real-diamonds.html

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 09/09/2015 07:03

It really does depend on jndividu circumstances.

My sister has had more help financially from my parents because she needs more help that DP and myself. That is fair.

It would be ridiculous if they tried to give us equal amounts of money if one Winter they bought her coal because she was to going to be able to hear her house and then thought oooooh, must give Whoknew the equivalent in cash. So unless you are your DP's brother are in exactly the sane financial situation then I think you should keep out of it.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 09/09/2015 07:03

individual

FinallyHere · 09/09/2015 07:10

Its not odd at all, in my world, and the explanation that you are set up in life makes it fair to me. If you were lacking what they had been guven, Id agree that it seemed a bit off. Not being given something you dont need seems fair enough to me.

My parents paid for my sister's wedding. She was in her early twenti s and just starting to teach. She was also given some kitchen appliances as a wedding present. When I bought my first house, on. My own, they bought me the kitchen appliacnces, saying now would be a good time and since i had declared my intention to never get married, they might as well do it now.

We did get married, when I had just turnd forty and we were both comfortably set up in life. They insisted on paying for the reception and tried top pay for the rerst, too. I was proud to not need it.

They would say that they dient know when they might need their money, so would not make a fuss about equal value presents but expect that things would even out over the time.

I can understand the OP maybe (wrongly) thinking that their approach somehow means that they are not as 'loved' as the child sho was helped more. I'm sure it is t the case at all. And if they were in trouble in future, may even be glad of a handout further down the line. Hope it goes well and they dont need it.

DirtyMugPolice · 09/09/2015 07:39

Yanbu - it is a bit off. My DH's parents are incredibly fair and have always given him and his dsis everything the same. They sent us some very much appreciated money this week to help out with upcoming baby costs and I have no doubt that dsis would have been sent the same just because DH got some money too. I should add that it's never expected of them and we are ever so grateful for their help. I hope I'll be able to help my dc with money in the same way and me and my DH are going to financially plan accordingly.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/09/2015 09:04

My DSis gets more than me.
She needs it more though and I certainly don't begrudge it.
DParents try to treat us all the same but the simple fact is, 3 of us have partners and get help from them and their families etc... my DSis just doesn't.
She has a partner now but he's min wage etc.... so she's done pretty much everything on her own so my mum and dad step in to help her more they do the rest of us.
We are all more than happy with that.
Everything will split evenly as and when, god forbid, they aren't with us anymore.

nmg85 · 09/09/2015 09:39

I think its odd. My DH's grandparents have given 3 x female GC ??1000 but my DH & DBIL will get nothing for their weddings. We didn't need it or want it but the principle is that in my family all were treated the same down to the penny. (GP's added cash to a jar).
Then again my DH's Sister gets her car paid for and she doesn't live at home anymore and is 25 so there seems to be a pattern.

Theycallmemellowjello · 09/09/2015 09:43

My parents wouldn't do this, but I don't see a problem with parents offering more financial assistance to a child who is struggling financially more. Wrt the OP, is it possible, since you didn't enquire fully into the gift to the sibling, that the ILs gave a contribution towards the kitchen rather than the whole amount, and actually the disparity is not so great?

Theycallmemellowjello · 09/09/2015 09:49

Also, is it possible that your DP has told them not to contribute anything more than the cake on the grounds that you're set up in your home? The way he raised it to you - telling you that there won't be any gift beyond the cake without you having to ask and giving the reason - makes it seem like he was anticipating your reaction and has had a conversation about this with his parents. I also think kanye's suggestion that your DP might have received money in other forms over the years is worth thinking about. In any case, I agree with others that you need to tread carefully before judging.

Floggingmolly · 09/09/2015 10:31

I completely get the concept of giving to each according to their need; but not in the form of a Wedding present... If one of your children really does need extra financial help, it can be done discreetly behind the scenes with none of the showboating of a wedding gift.

exaltedwombat · 09/09/2015 10:44

There's a sort of nursery "fairness" that gives all children a present when one has a birthday. There's an adult fairness which says "you'll all get whatever help we can manage, when you need it". It's certain the parents are not oblivious to the issue. You have an " entitlement" in the bank, for when it's needed. Why splurge it now?
Or maybe they just don't like you ??

fredfredgeorgejnrjnr · 09/09/2015 11:33

Floggingmolly but of course, a wedding gift is one of the opportunities where someone cannot refuse it, so you get to help, without the possibility of a stubborn proud refusal.

DisconcertedAndRetired · 09/09/2015 11:56

They spent a fortune paying for most of his sister's wedding a few years ago, but contributed a token amount to his two brothers who married before and the one who married after.

Not sure this counts as an example, it's sex discrimination rather than favouritism. Isn't it traditional for a bride's parents to pay for the wedding? (A fairly sensible tradition, as the bride is possibly the only person who doesn't think an expensive wedding is a waste of money, and her parents are the only people (other than her intended) likely to indulge her.)

amarmai · 09/09/2015 19:35

it will make sense to the one in need that help is given on the basis of need . But the siblings and their ps may not feel that is fair. Maybe ask your h what the background is to this decision . You could say you were wondering why he said what he did and you wanted to understand better.

Original poster

whattheblazes · 09/09/2015 19:42

Hello all. Right I brought it up with DH to be and he's totally at a loss as to why they've treated him differently and he's a bit hurt by it. I asked him if at any point he's told them we don't need any money and he's said that money was never discussed until they told him he wouldnt be getting a wedding present. He's worked since leaving school and I think he feels a bit put out that he's always stood on his own two feet and now he's been largely ignored. I agree with PPs that in many situations you don't give to one child as the other is in need of assistance but I really don't agree that a wedding is the same. Particularly when they're 6 months apart and both your sons are of a similar financial standing. Weird. And wombat if they don't like me then they've put an amazing face on the last 10 years!

OP posts:

NotSayingImBatman · 09/09/2015 19:43

DSIL had her ??25k wedding paid for, we didn't even get a card, she and BIL earn more than DH and I, similar life stages with young children etc.

Come to think of it, DSIL has never had to pay for childcare as FIL does it all whereas our DSs are in full time nursery.

I get annoyed about it sometimes and DH gets upset but what can he do? I tell him at least he can say that everything we have, we achieved ourselves.

Original poster

whattheblazes · 09/09/2015 20:01

Ah batman that sounds crap. But you're right! You can say sod you we did this ourselves! I should add that I'm not relying on my parents paying for everything either. They've kindly offered to pay for a couple of things and it's been greatly appreciated. I'm now at the point where I think it's really strange that DH parents have acted like this but it's something we'll both need to accepy

OP posts:

Gatehouse77 · 09/09/2015 20:15

To be treated equally doesn't necessarily mean the same.

My siblings and I have received different help according to need over the years. It's probably not equal but neither is it an issue between us.

sproketmx · 11/09/2015 23:00

How long was it planned for? Both weddings I mean? My aunt and uncle splashed a considerable amount on their third born as he was the first to get married and it was two and a bit years from engagement to wedding so they had a bit of time to save. Within a year their eldest born got engaged am married to his long term partner and they couldn't give anywhere near the same because they didn't have the time to save in between and the first one married had a child in amongst that time also

derxa · 12/09/2015 01:24

Maybe your BIL asked for money for a kitchen. Maybe something has gone wrong financially with PIL. It's all a bit strange.

Loungeroomlizard · 12/09/2015 08:25

I think it has to be put in context of how the family relationships are generally to decide if YABU. One of my brothers has very different life circumstances to me - I neither know nor care if he has been given more than me. My other brother lead a similar life path to myself, and is now set up to become much more financially comfortable than us (though this is only quite recent) yet has always been given more financial assistance by my parents. This is possibly due to his closer relationship with my Dad, whereas I was a bit closer to Mum overall and my relationship with both parents was rockier when we were younger. I don't let it annoy me because I love my brother and parents, have a good grasp of family dynamics and the reason/history for them and have accepted this. I'd lose far more in terms of family relationships if i distanced myself from them than I would have gained financially.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 12/09/2015 08:28

I have a similar problem with my dad. My brother and his partner earn stupidly high amounts of money compared to me (LP with 2 small children). So my dad lends/gives me money but doesn't to him because he thinks he doesn't need it (to be fair he probably doesn't in the same way I do). My brother resents this hugely to the extent that he and my dad are now NC.

Badders123 · 12/09/2015 08:41

Yeah.
Happens in my family with my golden boy brother
Causes alot of resentment.
What can you do?
I just make sure my big a are treated fairly.

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