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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this strange?

75 replies

whattheblazes · 08/09/2015 19:17

Right I'll just give all the info...

I'm an only child so I don't know if this is strange. I'm getting married in Feb and DH to be has a younger brother who got married in August and their DM and DF gave the brother and new wife a considerable amount of money to get their kitchen done up as a wedding present. I get a bit embarrassed discussing money so I've never mentioned anything about our wedding to my DH to be regarding being given money by his DP. I would see it as entitled and a bit crass. Anyway...my DH to be mentioned to me last week that they'd said they'd maybe pay for our cake and I said that was lovely and would of course be appreciated. It was then followed by him saying that since we are set in our house and have been together for 10 years (since school) we wouldn't be getting anything else. I didn't say anything...just a gave him a nod. Now I'm asking those of you who have more than one DC (I only have a DD) or have siblings if this is normal to give one child something and not the other? I cannot bring myself to say anything but I don't know if it's strange?

OP posts:

Lweji · 08/09/2015 20:04

My brother would look shit in a wedding dress grin So he got a new car.

How expensive was your dress?

I like the friend's idea.

Spartans · 08/09/2015 20:13

It depends. Has the brother just moved into his own house? Was the kitchen so shit they couldn't use it? This sorts of things.

Dbro has had more financially from my parents. Doesn't bother me at all. I prefer knowing I have paid for what I have and dbro needed more help than me. I have never felt they should give me whatever they have given him.

They paid his legal fees for his house, I paid my own. We have all been on holiday together and they paid for him to go but not us. I didn't care I was just happy he was there.

We are different people with different circumstances so I don't think fair and equal are always the same thing.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 08/09/2015 20:16

What was does DH say?

RabbitSaysWoof · 08/09/2015 20:22

I think it's a bit weird. I wouldn't do that if I had two children.

Cloppysow · 08/09/2015 20:27

My parents tend to give me more than they give my brother. But he's a single man with a good income. I'm a single mum of two working full time and studying. I never ask for anything, they tend to offer.

LadyShirazz · 08/09/2015 20:31

My mum doesn't have a lot to give other than her love - but she is so lovely!

My dad is, but contrast, not too badly off, but very very fair - not to the point of nitpicking scrupulousness - but I know he will be conscious of what he has (very, very kindly) gifted my brother and I over the years, and make sure that as and when a genuine need arises, he will be there...

So maybe there were times that my brother was "up" on me (as a now doctor, his uni fees tripled mine) or that I was "up" on him (like when my OH got stung during the recession, and - though I work too - helped us out mortage-wise).

Am not a "daddy's girl" by any means, but - yes - in a pinch he'd be there.

He loves us both the same, and has and will helped us both out over the years probably more or less the same too.

Your situation really does sound like a real kick in the teeth - but maybe he is keeping something in his back pocket for those inevitable times in the future when you are "down on your luck"...?

My dad would have at least alluded to the fact that that - if not given now - there would be the equivalent in some way, shape or form later down the line...

Ragwort · 08/09/2015 20:33

I really don't think you should 'distance' yourself from them, how does your DH feel? If he is not bothered then I think you should just take his view of the situation.

Oysterbabe · 08/09/2015 20:38

I'm the youngest of 4. My parents gave my sister 1k towards her wedding, probably similar to my brothers. They have me 3k. Main reason being I got married a lot after them and my parents have a lot more money these days. Also I'm the favourite
Maybe they can't afford to give you the same?

KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 08/09/2015 20:39

It's hard to tell really isn't it. Because I would say that it's normally the right thing to give children the same. But I'm kind of wondering if perhaps in some way they have and you don't know (or possibly do know but haven't joined the dots). So for example has your DP been supported through a degree, been given a longer period of rent free accommodation, had help paying off debts or assistance with a deposit?

I would tread carefully before making assumptions.

Original poster

whattheblazes · 08/09/2015 20:41

Haha imperialblether now that would be funny! DH is a man of few words. but knowing him as well as I do, he'll bring it up in a year's time and it'll seem worse then if that makes sense as he's let it stew. Younger brother's kitchen was not in a state of total disrepair. Just not to his and new wife's taste. We're good with money and have always been workers and savers so I think they just assume that we don't need anything and to be honest we don't but it niggles that they would treat their sons so differently

OP posts:

onthematleavecountdown · 08/09/2015 20:41

I find this odd. I don't think that it matters that you live together. You could use the money for something - Savings, Put towards new car, Holiday, Future home improvements etc.

Original poster

whattheblazes · 08/09/2015 20:43

I should add that we're close to his brother and wife and their two ds are close to our dd.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 08/09/2015 20:44

It doesn't really matter that your BIL "needed it" and you don't; it's not just a random dig out for someone who's struggling - it's a wedding present.
Horribly unequal.

AlphabetStew · 08/09/2015 20:47

I don't think it is 'strange' exactly in that I certainly know of families where this kind of thing happens. I don't think it sounds fair but I don't have grown up children.

There could be many reasons for imbalances such as this. It could be that the parents feel one of their children needs the help more than the other/s. It could be that the child who seems to be getting more help is doing something extra for the parents that only the parties involved know about. It could be one of many reasons really and I don't think it's the kind of thing you can ask.

Original poster

whattheblazes · 08/09/2015 21:03

Alphabet it definitely Not the kind of thing I could ask as they're not parents but if they were Then I'd be inclined to have that conversation

OP posts:

fredfredgeorgejnrjnr · 08/09/2015 21:38

Others have said why fairness is not getting the same, and that includes wedding presents. A good school motto on the subject is

"Fair isn't everybody getting the same thing??Fair is everybody getting what they need in order to be successful."

(a google image search for equality vs equity will turn up lots of other examples)

if you do not need money, why does it matter? Maybe your BIL and his family do, maybe your IL's circumstances have changed, all sorts of reasons why things have changed.

SanityClause · 08/09/2015 21:57

I'm with you, fred. Fair and equal are not the same thing.

A friend of mine has two DC; the eldest was not terribly successful at school, and did not go to university. He runs quite a successful business, now, and my friend supports him with paperwork, and by lending him substantial sums, as working capital.

Her DD was very gifted academically. My friend supported her through university, and now she has a good job, and doesn't really need any help from my friend.

So, she has not treated them equally, but given both what they needed.

I am a bit surprised at the OP's situation, though. It does seem very unusual for parents to treat their DC so very differently. Is this a one off, whattheblazes, or do they tend to favour your DH's brother?

BolshierAyraStark · 08/09/2015 22:19

Doesn't sound right at all & I really like Imperials suggestion...

BackforGood · 08/09/2015 22:43

It's really important to me that we are fair to our 3 dc, but I agree with those that are saying it doesn't necessarily mean we treat them the same at all times.
Same as my parents were with my siblings and me - they tried to help, as and when one of us needed some support. I have no idea what they gave to my siblings and when. I do know, if ever I'd really needed help they would have done whatever they could for me. They were also generous at certain times.... buying property / getting married amongst them.
So, without knowing all the ins and outs of all the circumstances, I can't tell if your inlaws are being fair or not, but not giving each child the same, doesn't necessarily mean they are not being fair.

amarmai · 08/09/2015 23:19

I agree it does nor seem fair,op. but i am wondering why . Is it possible they cannot afford to do the same for you ? I\d ask your p if he knows why. That is not a pushy /greedy question. You need to understand.

missymayhemsmum · 08/09/2015 23:33

There could be all sorts of reasons-perhaps as simple as they said - you are an established couple and they don't perceive you as needing anything. Was a new kitchen something your MIL/FIL perceived your DBIL/SIL needed but couldn't afford so they made it a wedding present? Or it may be that with 2 weddings in a year and a big present 1st time round they have overstretched themselves a bit? Or they might surprise you with more than a cake in Feb. Who knows. They may even have helped your DH out in the past more than his brother and he chose not to tell you.
Over the years my bruv and I have both had help/ loans/help disguised as presents from our parents, but according to what we needed/ parents could afford at the time/what they decided they want to give us rather than any strict fairness. I think that's what's normal, really.

TokenGinger · 08/09/2015 23:38

To be honest, this wouldn't bother me. I think it comes down to need, really.

My nana gave me ??2,000 towards my house deposit last year but she didn't give my two brothers the same. It wasn't necessary as they don't/didn't need it.

My older brother had his first car bought for him 11 years ago by our parents. 3 years later when I passed my test, I had my own money saved up. I bought my own car. I don't resent him for it. I didn't need money from my parents.

Over our lifetimes, I imagine gifts that my brothers and I receive from our parents/grandparents will equal out in the end, but vary depending on our need at the time. They're not just given because of reaching a certain milestone or celebration. They're given when relevant.

Original poster

whattheblazes · 09/09/2015 03:19

Fredfred your quote suggests a utopia but this is everyday life and treating two children who don't live in remarkably different circumstances in completely different ways is just a bit to me...

OP posts:

Minions · 09/09/2015 06:26

It does seem unfair but I wonder if they perceive you to be in greater need in the future they would give you a large gift and not your BIL. Perhaps they can't afford to match their gift just now and they worded it badly so not to reveal their financial situation. I'm sorry you feel hurt, I think I would too. But try not to withdraw if you can, it would be such a shame if this drove a wedge between you.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/09/2015 06:53

I think it stinks, I'd be upset. I'd never treat our dc so unfairly. Although you need to be a bigger person than me and not let it affect your relationship.

Could it be they've had an unexpected dip in their financial situation?

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