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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP Holiday with Work

62 replies

happymummyone · 08/09/2015 17:20

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, in my heart I feel I'm not but I'd like some impartial advice please.

It's a long story so will try to keep it brief.

Have one DD (5) and started working at a small company (9 staff) in March 2014. My boss had lived next door to my parents for 6 years and I was friendly with their son. When I started work there it took us a few months, but the son and I got together.

We told his dad (the boss) that I was pregnant in February of this year and a week later he decided I needed to hand in my notice because it was 'best for the baby' as I wasn't coping at work (his opinion, I was just a little peaky and knackered as far as I was concerned). He didn't give me much of a choice, I was told to hand in my notice that day, see out the month and then that would be it. It took me a few weeks to realise that he might not have let me go out of concern for the baby, but rather he owned a small business and didn't want to keep my job open.

Now DP and I have lived together for the best part of a year, with my DD and are two weeks away from the due date.

DP still works for his dad obviously. He's just told me the boss is planning on paying for all his staff to go to a Christmas market in Europe for 4 days at the beginning of December. We all did this last year, it was purely a holiday, we did lots of sight seeing, eating, drinking, etc, if it weren't for the fact that we were all colleagues, it would have had nothing do with the business at all. My problem is, the new baby will be 8 weeks old and I don't want to be left with the two DC so he can go on a free holiday.

I got horrible PND last time and worry about how I will cope in the early weeks.

But I will also admit to being really jealous about the free holiday and that DP can go but I can't (even though even if my job was left open I'd still be on maternity leave so I wouldn't get to go anyway).

I don't know why but when he told me I was really upset and my first thought was to tell him he's staying put.

am I being a total unreasonable loon? Or would you not want to be left holding the baby?

I've put on my big girl pants so feel free to be really honest.

OP posts:
Bejeena · 08/09/2015 17:24

You are not unreasonable, you have no idea what sort of birth you will have and you might still be recovering and need his help.

hullabaloo234 · 08/09/2015 17:26

hey OP, I can totally get where you are coming from. when I was 20 weeks ish pregnant DP booked a stag trip with friends for when the baby would be 12 weeks - I was dreading the idea! But DD2 is 11 weeks now and DP is on his trip and I've been absolutely fine. I've made sure to keep busy and break the days up with trips out, and just going to bed when the DC go and it's going really quickly.

I do think it would be unfair to stop him going yes, but make sure you make some time for a few days away yourself when you feel ready to leave the baby, it will give you something to look forward to Smile

NullaBore · 08/09/2015 17:27

No yanbu. You just don't know what 8 weeks past birth will be like for you. If you've had pnd then you know you might need some help. Your dp needs to step up.

chairmeoh · 08/09/2015 17:28

I think you would be unreasonable to 'tell him he's staying put', but I'd have a calm conversation with him about how you might cope whole he's away.

If you go overdue, your baby might only be 6 weeks old. If you had PND last time, then maybe it wouldn't be wise for him to go away at that time.

On the other hand, maybe you could stay with your parents for the weekend? He can easily fly home in the very unlikely event you need him urgently.

But I must say I'm appalled at your FIL making you leave your job when pregnant.msurely that's against employment law?

I presume your DP is getting full paternity leave?

silverduck · 08/09/2015 17:29

It's ok to be jealous but you need to let him go on the jolly.

araiba · 08/09/2015 17:29

Or say that he can go but it's subject to cancellation depending on how you feel after giving birth

Shodan · 08/09/2015 17:33

I think my knee-jerk reaction would have been the same as yours, tbh, although on thinking it over I would probably have given in gracefully.

However- I've never had bad PND. I think I'd go with chairmeoh's idea and have a calm conversation with him. Maybe you could say that as it's his dad (I assume he is the boss?) booking the holiday, he'll surely be understanding if you feel you can't say for sure until much closer to the holiday date?

And mention the possibility of you going away for a few days, when you're ready, obviously. It would only be fair.

LIZS · 08/09/2015 17:34

I think you need to separate your feelings about the job and work from what is really a family trip away. It is only a few days and you will be busy with your dd preparing for end of term events and Christmas. Do you have any other family or local friends who could support you while he is away? Make some nice plans of your own to look forward to.

TurnOffTheTv · 08/09/2015 17:40

I can totally understand why you would be jealous, I would be annoyed as well. But 8 weeks is not a tiny baby really. Make sure your midwife is aware of pnd from last time, and it's on your notes so they can nip it in the bud. My DP works away and only had ten days off before he had to go back and leave me with our three. It's hard work but totally do-able.

Osolea · 08/09/2015 17:41

YANBU to be pissed off and feeling jealous, but I think YWBVU to try and stop him from going or to make him feel guilty.

You don't have the right to 'tell him he's staying put' I'm afraid, and if you do, then you will come across as an unreasonable loon.

There's no real reason for him not to go.

DoreenLethal · 08/09/2015 17:43

We told his dad (the boss) that I was pregnant in February of this year and a week later he decided I needed to hand in my notice because it was 'best for the baby' as I wasn't coping at work (his opinion, I was just a little peaky and knackered as far as I was concerned). He didn't give me much of a choice, I was told to hand in my notice that day, see out the month and then that would be it.

Yeah - this is the bit you really should be concerned about. It is discrimination and you should have refused to hand your notice in just because you are pregnant.

onthematleavecountdown · 08/09/2015 17:45

Never mind the holiday. What about the fact you were clearly unfairly dismissed? what did dh say about that?

ghostyslovesheep · 08/09/2015 17:47

I understand your feeling - when my eldest was 5 weeks old (c section) (now ex) DH went ahead with a pre arranged trip to mess around with his band mates play 3 gigs in New York - I stayed with my mum and it was nice in a way but I a tiny part of me resented the fun he was having while I was sore and exhausted

but yabu to stop him

Original poster
happymummyone · 08/09/2015 17:55

He doesn't think his dad was unreasonable, he thinks he let me go with the best of intentions. It left us in a pickle with money for a while but things got better. Had I had the choice, I would have stayed on, taken mat leave and had the year off before going back but they have a girl in doing the job I was doing and she was brought in in the final month after my notice was given. I think that's why I'm so resentful of this holiday. If it was a different boss and a different company id feel a little less jealous and probably suck it up a little easier.

In response to whoever asked if I have family nearby, I don't, my parents and sister love 40 miles away, I don't drive and I have to get DD to school in the village so staying with them is not going to be possible.

He didn't see me with PND last time (not DDs dad) and I find it hard to explain exactly what I was like during those months. It was a bit of a zombie blur, which I failed to report to the health visitor or any family because I felt I was admitting failure. I will not do that this time, but I'm still concerned about being left alone.

OP posts:
Spartans · 08/09/2015 18:01

I feel like there is more to this. Your fil and boss tells you to hand your notice and you do. Neither you or dh object to the fact that you will have another mouth to feed but lose one of your wages.

Also yanbu to be worried. Yabu to have not expected it when they have done it before. I do think ywbu to stop him going.

Spartans · 08/09/2015 18:04

Can someone from your family stay with you?

Spartans · 08/09/2015 18:07

Or can your mil help out?

AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 18:15

Why did you meekly let yourself get sacked for being pregnant ?

I think you should be focusing on that, tbh

The jolly is by the by

Original poster
happymummyone · 08/09/2015 18:15

Mil is going with them as she works there. Not got anyone who could stay either.

DP never questions his father, we have had many a discussion about this and he genuinely doesn't see that i was dismissed just for being pregnant.

I have no idea why I didn't refuse, it was my first office job, I'd tried very hard to impress, I was taken into a room and told what's what and I didn't consider at the time that he was dismissing me for the wrong reason.

OP posts:
Reubs15 · 08/09/2015 18:16

If your oh is considerate he won't go.
If he's set on going see if someone can come and stay with you for the time he's away?
Try not to fret about getting pnd again, keep a positive outlook.
Good luck with everything

Original poster
happymummyone · 08/09/2015 18:18

anyfucker, I did yes, i know I only have myself to blame. I don't know if it's relevant but I'm 23 and He's one of the only people who I feel I can't argue with.

OP posts:
OneDay103 · 08/09/2015 18:20

That's a really shitty way to be treating his dil!! I think you were clearly unfairly dismissed. I get that it might be tricky though if you were to take it further, as the close relationship and issues it might cause.

If you need help then your dp should be able to provide that for you. 8 weeks is still tiny to me, so if you want your dh around then he should be.

Spartans · 08/09/2015 18:21

Not sure what it being your first office job has to do with it. Anyone in any profession wouldn't be allowed to get away with that.

Personally I think you have more issues at play than the trip. You have a dp who lets his parents rule his life and, by extension, yours.

As I said I would happily wave him off on his trip. In small companies these things do matter, wether people like it or not.

However I really think you need to tackle the wider issue that your fil pushed you into handing your notice in and your dp supported this even though it left you both short of money.

Can I ask, do your pil approve of your relationship?

Spartans · 08/09/2015 18:22

Also is it officially down as your handing your notice in or being let go?

AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 18:24

You have been outmanoeuvred by the whole family

FIL, MIL and your lily livered husband

I suggest that after a period of time of your choosing (but don't leave it too long) you start applying for jobs that are nothing to do with this family

You will get proper employment rights instead of this tinpot business you got suckered into and thrown out of but most importantly that you will get some independence from this claustrophobic and highly controlling situation you are in

I predict difficult times ahead for you if you don't start standing up for yourself and your husband doesn't grow a backbone some time soon