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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP Holiday with Work

62 replies

happymummyone · 08/09/2015 17:20

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, in my heart I feel I'm not but I'd like some impartial advice please.

It's a long story so will try to keep it brief.

Have one DD (5) and started working at a small company (9 staff) in March 2014. My boss had lived next door to my parents for 6 years and I was friendly with their son. When I started work there it took us a few months, but the son and I got together.

We told his dad (the boss) that I was pregnant in February of this year and a week later he decided I needed to hand in my notice because it was 'best for the baby' as I wasn't coping at work (his opinion, I was just a little peaky and knackered as far as I was concerned). He didn't give me much of a choice, I was told to hand in my notice that day, see out the month and then that would be it. It took me a few weeks to realise that he might not have let me go out of concern for the baby, but rather he owned a small business and didn't want to keep my job open.

Now DP and I have lived together for the best part of a year, with my DD and are two weeks away from the due date.

DP still works for his dad obviously. He's just told me the boss is planning on paying for all his staff to go to a Christmas market in Europe for 4 days at the beginning of December. We all did this last year, it was purely a holiday, we did lots of sight seeing, eating, drinking, etc, if it weren't for the fact that we were all colleagues, it would have had nothing do with the business at all. My problem is, the new baby will be 8 weeks old and I don't want to be left with the two DC so he can go on a free holiday.

I got horrible PND last time and worry about how I will cope in the early weeks.

But I will also admit to being really jealous about the free holiday and that DP can go but I can't (even though even if my job was left open I'd still be on maternity leave so I wouldn't get to go anyway).

I don't know why but when he told me I was really upset and my first thought was to tell him he's staying put.

am I being a total unreasonable loon? Or would you not want to be left holding the baby?

I've put on my big girl pants so feel free to be really honest.

OP posts:

flowery · 08/09/2015 18:27

If my FIL treated me that way my DH would hand in his notice and probably never speak to him again tbh.

GloGirl · 08/09/2015 18:27

I would say no, there is always next year.

That said, your FIL sounds like a right dick head so I might be tempted to ok it in principle and feel no guilt at wasting the money and changing my mind post childbirth.

Theycallmemellowjello · 08/09/2015 18:33

The most unreasonable part of this story is how your DP stood around while his father fired you (I'd be surprised if any ET didn't think this amounted to a constructive dismissal) because you were pregnant. Which is of course illegal, discriminatory and a massively shitty thing to do. I can't believe your DP is still working for his dickhead dad in these circumstances. And frankly, if he has that little concern for your interests, it doesn't surprise me that he's going to go off on this jolly with nary a second thought (and of course the dickhead dad will give even less of a shit). What a depressing situation. Honestly, this would be a dealbreaker for me.

Original poster

happymummyone · 08/09/2015 18:35

Thanks Spartan and anyfucker, DPs dad is the sort of man that approves of me as he would any other partner for his only son. But he worships DP and DP worships him. DPs dad is quite unkind to women in general really, he insisted his first wife gave up work to look after the children and when she finally went back as a teacher, she met someone less controlling and left him, which I think has coloured his view of women since. He publicly puts down his new wife and nastily gloats about never marrying her because this time he's protecting his money. She is always in earshot and looks devastated no matter how many times she hears it. I think he thinks I'll do the same to DP as his wife did, because we're all the same obviously. DP hasn't got a mean bone in his body but will often take his dad's side over mine. I can see it causing problems

OP posts:

ElkeDagMeisje · 08/09/2015 18:42

I think the company holiday is the least of your worries. Your main concern should be that you are clearly living on the set of a Charles Dickens novel and should try to break free asap.

I bet the company that illegally sacks pregnant women doesn't pay tax as a benefit in kind for the company holiday either. How strange that so many of your family work for one small company and never branched out into the wider world.

DonkeyOaty · 08/09/2015 18:44

Oh dear.

Right. Not a lot you can do about being fired now probably. But - you have no job and are in a very precarious financial situation. What would happen if you split up?

Rainuntilseptember15 · 08/09/2015 18:46

FIL is an arse.

Spartans · 08/09/2015 18:48

So because your relationship has moved very fast, he doesn't trust you and wanted you out. Not caring that he put you in a more vulnerable position or that you are now more dependent on your dp?

To be honest. Me and dh run a similar size business. I would be concerned if some started working there and within a year she was living with and pregnant by ds. Most parents would be, I think. It would of course depend on the girl as well and what I thought of her personally. I wouldn't however interfer in their relationship or break the law to put her in her place. There would be a small worry, whilst also acknowledging that ds is an adult and has to make his own choices.

It sounds like your do and his father have an odd relationship and I echo what a pp said. When you are ready to go back to work, you need a job away from them. I worry you are in a vulnerable position regarding finances and being dependant on pils will make you miserable in the long run.

I wouldnt count on your dp seeing the light.

Spartans · 08/09/2015 18:50

elke makes an excellent point.

My children are more than welcome to work for us. But will work their way up and I have said they need to work somewhere else for a period of time. If they really want to carry on the family business I would love it. However I think the ehy need experience in the wider world as well.

Spartans · 08/09/2015 18:51

Sorry posted too soon.

I find people who are employed by their family don't live in the real world as such and are usually have codependent relationships that end up damaging other relationships

pinkyredrose · 08/09/2015 18:54

The 4 day trip is the least of your worries. His dad illegally forced you out of your job. You can and should sue, you really should. Stand up for yourself! Would you want your child putting up with this in the future? No? Well you're just as important.

spatchcock · 08/09/2015 18:59

"I think the company holiday is the least of your worries. Your main concern should be that you are clearly living on the set of a Charles Dickens novel and should try to break free asap."

That. They all sound dreadful. I cannot begin to imagine sitting by twiddling my thumbs while my father sacked my partner for being pregnant!! It's 2015, not 1815!

Original poster

happymummyone · 08/09/2015 19:11

DPs sister works there too. I don't think he was punishing me for being pregnant, i just think he didn't want to keep my job open.

I've known DP since I was 11, so I wasn't a random girl who came in and got pregnant, our parents were the very best of friends until a couple of years ago.

I've been a naive idiot really but I don't think DP and I would survive it if I took his dad to court over it, especially as I didn't exactly strike while the iron was hot.

I've just let a simmering resentment carry on since.

DP has worked there for around 6 years, straight from school and he's paid poorly for it, he spent months studying for a work exam, withy the promise of a payrise if he passed, he got a distinction but so far, no payrise. But no expense spared holidays for the whole office are entirely affordable. He could easily take his skills elsewhere, but he's so loyal to his dad he'd rather be underpaid and undervalued.

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 08/09/2015 19:18

I don't think he was punishing me for being pregnant, i just think he didn't want to keep my job open

Erm. There's a difference?

I think you have 6 months in which to make a claim.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 19:25

DPs dad is quite unkind to women in general really

Why am I not surprised ?

The more you post about this family/work/DP situation the more I would be very concerned for you if you were my daughter. What the hell have you got yourself into ?

And your partner is always going to be treated like some second class employer but it seems he is too "in thrall" to his father to see it. Or he sees it, and as his resentment grows, I could make a very good guess about who he will take it out on, going off the examples of "how to be a man" played out by his "wonderful" father

GurlwiththeCurl · 08/09/2015 19:35

As you call him your DP, I assume you are not married. Please make sure you are protected legally as you have very few right when unmarried. You are very vulnerable with two children and no job.

Original poster

happymummyone · 08/09/2015 19:36

We all seemed to get on well before the pregnancy, but yes I do wonder what I got myself into sometimes

OP posts:

CassieBearRawr · 08/09/2015 19:47

Good lord OP, what on earth are you thinking? Time to put your big girl pants on. You've stuck yourself to an absolute muppet who will by the sounds of things always put you last.

You need to start thinking of yourself and how you can best protect/look after yourself. You've left yourself in a very vulnerable position. You're going to find it hard at this point but you need to be thinking about going back to work. Your partner and his dad will have mega issues with that and try and leave all childcare as your responsibility - you can't let that happen. Keep his dad out of all family related discussions and discuss with your partner how the two of you will balance childcare, working, etc.

Spartans · 08/09/2015 19:51

Why aren't your parents beat of friends anymore?

If you have known the family well for over 10 years, surely you must have known what the dad was like and how your dp was with him.

sliceofsoup · 08/09/2015 19:54

It sounds like your DP has neither the intention or the capability to stand up for the family you and he are creating. This will cause resentment and anguish further down the line. I have no idea what to tell you. This is a vulnerable position for you to be in.

TenForward82 · 08/09/2015 19:55

I know it's been said by others, but he forced you to quit while pregnant. Massive discrimination and I can't believe you didn't even question it! (Not blaming you, just genuinely can't believe it didn't even seem to raise an eyebrow.)

I know the dad may not know this and "just have some old-fashioned ideas" (my boss is the same, but I make him VERY aware of the law as and when I need to), but I too am concerned about how this family has treated you.

AyeAmarok · 08/09/2015 19:56

Oh dear. This whole thing has disaster written all over it.

Your FIL is a bully.

Your DP needs to grow a pair.

CassieBearRawr · 08/09/2015 20:08

Agree the job thing is MASSIVELY illegal and I'm surprised it didn't set any warning flags off for you (or indeed your partner).

AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 20:15

happy who owns the home you live in ?

SolidGoldBrass · 08/09/2015 20:43

Your FIL is a misogynist and a bully, and I'm afraid your partner is soon going to start mistreating you as well. Your partner, like a lot of man with bullies for fathers, may not be aggressive towards you but he will obey his father and compel you to do the same - you will be 'trained' by the two of them to be submissive and obedient and ask for nothing. They will work to isolate you and keep you at home because it's 'better for the children'. Your access to money will be increasingly restricted as well. If you ever try to stand up for yourself, your P will run bleating to his dad, who will come round and 'put you in your place'; if you ever try to disagree with FIL or disobey him, your P will wring his hands and whine and cry and pester you until you apologise and submit.

I would, frankly, suggest you get the hell out of there, though I appreciate you are not ready to do so just yet. When you are, MN will be here for you and so will WOmen's Aid.

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