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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP Holiday with Work

62 replies

happymummyone · 08/09/2015 17:20

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, in my heart I feel I'm not but I'd like some impartial advice please.

It's a long story so will try to keep it brief.

Have one DD (5) and started working at a small company (9 staff) in March 2014. My boss had lived next door to my parents for 6 years and I was friendly with their son. When I started work there it took us a few months, but the son and I got together.

We told his dad (the boss) that I was pregnant in February of this year and a week later he decided I needed to hand in my notice because it was 'best for the baby' as I wasn't coping at work (his opinion, I was just a little peaky and knackered as far as I was concerned). He didn't give me much of a choice, I was told to hand in my notice that day, see out the month and then that would be it. It took me a few weeks to realise that he might not have let me go out of concern for the baby, but rather he owned a small business and didn't want to keep my job open.

Now DP and I have lived together for the best part of a year, with my DD and are two weeks away from the due date.

DP still works for his dad obviously. He's just told me the boss is planning on paying for all his staff to go to a Christmas market in Europe for 4 days at the beginning of December. We all did this last year, it was purely a holiday, we did lots of sight seeing, eating, drinking, etc, if it weren't for the fact that we were all colleagues, it would have had nothing do with the business at all. My problem is, the new baby will be 8 weeks old and I don't want to be left with the two DC so he can go on a free holiday.

I got horrible PND last time and worry about how I will cope in the early weeks.

But I will also admit to being really jealous about the free holiday and that DP can go but I can't (even though even if my job was left open I'd still be on maternity leave so I wouldn't get to go anyway).

I don't know why but when he told me I was really upset and my first thought was to tell him he's staying put.

am I being a total unreasonable loon? Or would you not want to be left holding the baby?

I've put on my big girl pants so feel free to be really honest.

OP posts:

Original poster

happymummyone · 08/09/2015 21:18

We rent. I don't know how to reply anymore, you've all given me so much to think about.

OP posts:

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 08/09/2015 21:26

I often think Solid goes OTT (apols Solid!) but in this case she is bang on.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 21:30

have a really good think, op

you are in a really vulnerable position here

TheOddity · 08/09/2015 21:53

I agree as soon as you are ready after the birth, find yourself an office job (with a glowing ref from DFil) well away from this family business. Your DP will probably feel freer too if the entire household is not dependent on the whim of his dad. You are better off not working there now.
As for the trip, it isn't unreasonable to say no if you are concerned, although I would say yes on the proviso that if nearer the time you're not coping, then he promises to pull out, no questions asked. If he is too worried about the waste of money if he pulled out, ask him to just decline from the outset as you don't have a crystal ball.

ScarletRuby · 08/09/2015 23:03

I really don't know where to start. I have a few points needing clarification. You say you married your parents best friend's son and now you work for his family. Have you ever left the town you were born in? Did you have a job before this?

You were forced to resign because you were pregnant, and your husband thought this was a good idea because his father told him it was?

Your husband idolises a man who is unkind to women?

Why do your parents and his parents not get along anymore?

Why are you still there?

AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 23:14

I expect op will soon be realising that the reason she is still there is because she is trapped with a baby, no means to support herself and no ability to assert herself in this whole fucked up dynamic

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/09/2015 04:21

If your FIL genuinely had his future grandchild s needs at heart, he would not have acted illegally and sacked it's mother for being pregnant, thus effectively cutting off their income..

He is a bully. He can only act like this as others let him, due to fear, tradition...

Wtf don't you and your OH sell your skills elsewhere, for a reasonable salary, rather than rub this bullys ego??

AnotherTimeMaybe · 09/09/2015 04:29

YANBU at all
Dh was asked to go on business trip (not even holiday) when I had a newborn and he said no
Did you say anything to dp? Does he want to go?

hattyhatter · 09/09/2015 05:02

Just leave and see if he is man (person, parent, partner) enough to follow you.

It will get worse if you stay. Things will just drift.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 09/09/2015 06:32

The work jolly is a huge red herring. On the face of it YABabitU to not want your dp to go away for a weekend 8 weeks after birth. But that is a complete non-issue here. The background is very very disturbing. Your FIL's actions are and your dp's passivity in the face of them extremely alarming. I'm 38 weeks pregnant too and know this is no time for upheaval, but it's time for some serious loins-girding and readiness to protect yourself, and for a thorough talk with your dp. I agree with others that in the medium to longer term the best thing to do would be to run for the hills, and if your dp doesn't run with you you know what he is and what it would have been like had you stayed. Sorry

Baconyum · 09/09/2015 06:43

"I predict difficult times ahead for you if you don't start standing up for yourself and your husband doesn't grow a backbone some time soon"

Sorry I'm with AF and sgb you need to check where you stand legally (including the unfair dismissal) and financially asap! And contact women's aid. You say your family aren't friends with them any more. Why? (Think I can guess)

If you were my dd I'd be telling you to get the hell away from these people!

In this case it's a man but this is just like the nightmare Mil threads!

ScrappyMalloy · 09/09/2015 07:49

Is your dp very young?

I married into a family like this when DH and I were barely out of school.

There was no family business (FUL had a massive aversion to work) but the whole family lived in the same street, and everything was presented to FIL for his approval, or more usually, disapproval.

My own family are very independent, and I was endlessly frustrated at DH's reliance on his dad's judgement. Rather than me and the children, he prioritised FIL's goodwill and happiness, and I can just imagine him standing by while his father sacked me if that had been the situation. Indeed, he actually did something equally as bad to us, without a thought for his son or grandchildren.

In our case, FIL cut off contact with us eventually because I was such a 'bad influence' on his son (ie I encouraged him to think for himself) and our marriage survived.

My advice is to protect yourself financially as soon as you can. Men like your dp's father are on a power trip and will trample over you and anyone who gets in the way of that. Plus, see how long dads adoration for his son lasts once son starts pushing back...

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