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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be peeved with DP family (Christmas)

78 replies

DaniBubbles · 08/09/2015 09:31

I know it is still 4 months away but DP and I loooove Christmas. We made plans a month ago to invite my parents and his parents round for Christmas dinner this year. Nice quiet family time. Shortly after, we travelled to visit DP's aunt and uncle. The topic of Christmas came up and they mentioned they were at a loose end. DP and I discussed it and decided to invite the aunt and uncle for Christmas too as a thank you for letting us stay with them during our visit. So now 6 people in total. While we were visiting, their daughter (DP's cousin) came round for dinner one evening. Again, the topic of Christmas came up in conversation. She told us in no uncertain terms that wherever her parents are going for Christmas, she would be going too. Also DP's grandmother (the auntie's mother) would have to come too. DP and I didn't really commit and said we'd have a think about it.

So potentially up to 8 people now. With me so far?

Fast forward to yesterday, we got a phone call from DP's mum telling us that the auntie's other daughter has said she wants to be with her parents too so that's 9, her husband = 10 and their unruly puppy needs to come too. (I have nothing against dogs at all, I love them but they let her jump all over their furniture and chew shampoo bottles and basically wreck their house). DP's mum then went on to say that she will also ask her brother... 11 and her brother's wife... 12 to come too. Oh and the two daughters, the husband and the aunt and uncle will have to stay at our house too for 5 days because DP's mum doesn't want them all at her house. Angry

That was it for me. I told DP to hang up the phone because we are not committing to anything. AIBU to be absolutely fuming?? What has turned into a relatively low-key Christmas has now become a free for all with DP's mum inviting every relative she can think of (but conveniently palming them off at our house to stay). Now DP and I are completely at a loss because if we say no, everyone is going to be disappointed. However, if we say yes, DP is convinced that his brother and family are going to want to come too. (DP and his brother do not get on). His brother is due to go to the wife's family for Christmas this year as they were last year but cancelled because the whole family came to DP's mum's and the brother couldn't bare to be left out. I can't see him wanting to be left out this year either.

It's going to be a tight squeeze and I'm not even sure our tiny kitchen has the potential to cook for 17 people (including us). Is there some sort of compromise we can come to or do we just flat out say no? Hmm Confused

OP posts:
cherrybakewelltart · 08/09/2015 09:34

Flat out say no! Shock

TheWitTank · 08/09/2015 09:37

I would just be honest and say to MIL that you haven't the space or facilities to cater/accommodate so many people. So what if they are disappointed, she was the one who invited everyone! Could you suggest a meal out?

Lj8893 · 08/09/2015 09:40

Say no, or take it back to just each set of parents.

Birdsgottafly · 08/09/2015 09:42

Do you have room for them to stay?

If not, then it's simple.

DamnBamboo · 08/09/2015 09:42

Just say no!
You don't have the room, you don't want to host and you didn't invite them.
Simply say 'the invitation was for this many, however it now seems that people have other ideas about how they want to spend their Christmas so it's best we make our own arrangements'

That's it!

Nobody could call you unreasonable for not wanting 16 plus people in your house over Christmas.

DaisyDando · 08/09/2015 09:42

Say you'll do a lovely buffet for everyone on Boxing Day.

hampsterdam · 08/09/2015 09:43

If the aunts daughters are so set on being with their parents at Christmas why have they not invited them to their own house for dinner on the day. Bloody cheek just say no.

Olddear · 08/09/2015 09:43

Say no!

DoJo · 08/09/2015 09:47

You decided to invite the aunt and uncle to your house, but their daughters want to spend Christmas with them, so if they choose to make arrangements with their children, then they decline your invitation surely? That way, you go back to the original plan of your parents and your husband's parents, no cousins and the brother won't be tempted to change his plans because it's just a low-key Christmas again.

Original poster
DaniBubbles · 08/09/2015 09:49

Thanks everyone.

TheWitTank The whole family went out for a meal 4 years ago. I wasn't there but apparently everyone was moaning and the uncle complained that it "didn't feel like a proper Christmas"
Birdsgottafly We have the room for 6 people to stay the night (albeit two on a sofa bed, not sure how comfortable this would be for 5 consecutive nights) however the kitchen and dining space would be a major issue.
DamnBamboo I really like your suggestive. Firm and to the point. This might be the best solution I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaniBubbles · 08/09/2015 09:55

DoJo That's what is confusing me too. If they know their daughters are wanting to spend Christmas with them then why not do it? We told the aunt and uncle that they didn't have to feel obligated to come to us but the invitation was there if the daughters were busy and they found themselves at a loose end. It just seems to have been taken for gospel across the entire family that Christmas is at ours this year. Hmm

OP posts:
Inertia · 08/09/2015 09:58

No, the other people don't get to invite themselves and their wider families/ girlfriends/ dogs to your house.

You invited your 2 sets of parents and the auntie and uncle. You need to say to everyone that you can only accommodate the 6 people you actually invited. DP needs to tell his aunt and uncle that as their families cannot be away from them on Christmas Day, and you cannot accommodate the families too, then it's up to aunt and uncle whether they would rather come to you as a pair, or be with their own children/parents/dogs.

diddl · 08/09/2015 10:04

Bloody hell!

If the daughters want to spend Christmas with their parents, they should invite them, not be trying to tag on to other arrangements.

What usually happens do you know??

Perhaps Aunt/Uncle are wanting a break from hosting their daughters!

Leave the invitations as they are-both sets of parents & aunt & uncle.

morecoffeethanhuman · 08/09/2015 10:05

Wow u invite 6 and end up with 12...plus someone else dog - that's taking the piss big Time especially as u didn't even invite Half the guests!!
I flaming love Xmas (actually getting excited now!) but that many people would take the joy away as all you'll be doing is running round & not actually able to enjoy the festiveness! Id put a big (booted) foot down and tell them straight u don't have room at the table - if ur aunts (grown up) kids want to be with them then just say u didn't realise u were stepping on toes and you'll pop up to see them before or after to share a Xmas drink...and a mince pie...bloody love mince pies!!

diddl · 08/09/2015 10:06

"She told us in no uncertain terms that wherever her parents are going for Christmas, she would be going too. "

That is just shockingly rude.

Tbh though I do find it Hmm when adults cannot contemplate Christmas Day without mum & dad.

Original poster
DaniBubbles · 08/09/2015 10:08

diddl Aunt and uncle have just moved into a much smaller house and are about to start renovating and extending it. Perhaps that's why the seed has been planted in the daughter's minds to tag along. I am a bit annoyed though why DP and I are the last ones to find out and why aunt and uncle didn't come to us directly to ask the question.

OP posts:
grapejuicerocks · 08/09/2015 10:12

Simply say 'the invitation was for this many, however it now seems that people have other ideas about how they want to spend their Christmas so it's best we make our own arrangements'

toomuchtooold · 08/09/2015 10:15

I don't have any advice but thought this was a food place to record that DH was all like "let's invite my parents and brother and family and have a big family Christmas" and then his parents came to visit and we are in the 36th hour of visit and he's like NO WAY are we inviting anyone. So yay!

Original poster
DaniBubbles · 08/09/2015 10:16

morecoffeethanhuman That would be the ideal solution but unfortunately the aunt/uncle/daughters live nearly 500 miles away Grin makes it a bit tricky methinks.
diddl I find it bizarre as well. When we said to daughter #1 "We thought you might be spending Christmas with your flatmate and friends?" She looked at us as if we were daft and said "no, I couldn't not be with my family" Each to their own I suppose. I would quite happily have it just me and DP every year Grin

OP posts:
diddl · 08/09/2015 10:17

"Perhaps that's why the seed has been planted in the daughter's minds to tag along."

Does neither daughter live anywhere that they could host their mum & dad then?

TBH though, I'm one of two sisters & if my parents said that they were at a loose end I'd be upset because they would always have been invited to my sister or I (unless they wanted to host us/go to friends/be alone) iyswim.

Pneumometer · 08/09/2015 10:18

She told us in no uncertain terms that wherever her parents are going for Christmas, she would be going too.

Why didn't you tell her, in no uncertain terms, to fuck off?

diddl · 08/09/2015 10:20

Ah, xpost there!

So, that daughter may not be in a postion to host.

So maybe not so much a loose end but they think that their place won't be ready for them to have Christmas in even for themselves?

Flutterbutterfly · 08/09/2015 10:24

Are you a mug? Just say no sorry this has got out of hand we only have space for six, we'll have to sadly rescind the invite.

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 08/09/2015 10:24

16 people? That's crazy. Before you know it the neighbours will be joining in. Say no quickly before it gets even more ridiculous. Talk about taking the piss!

Original poster
DaniBubbles · 08/09/2015 10:26

toomuchtooold I am envious. My DP would be the same. I know what he's like, he panics when he is just cooking for us and his parents. He is going to be in ultra-stress mode if we try and cook for everyone but the only thought he has just now is not disappointing them.
diddl Both daughters could accommodate their parents but not the grandmother. Daughter #1 is in a flat and daughter #2 doesn't have a downstairs bathroom. The grandmother can't negotiate stairs anymore so both are off the cards.

OP posts:
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