to be peeved with DP family (Christmas)

[DaniBubbles]

I know it is still 4 months away but DP and I loooove Christmas. We made plans a month ago to invite my parents and his parents round for Christmas dinner this year. Nice quiet family time. Shortly after, we travelled to visit DP's aunt and uncle. The topic of Christmas came up and they mentioned they were at a loose end. DP and I discussed it and decided to invite the aunt and uncle for Christmas too as a thank you for letting us stay with them during our visit. So now 6 people in total. While we were visiting, their daughter (DP's cousin) came round for dinner one evening. Again, the topic of Christmas came up in conversation. She told us in no uncertain terms that wherever her parents are going for Christmas, she would be going too. Also DP's grandmother (the auntie's mother) would have to come too. DP and I didn't really commit and said we'd have a think about it.

So potentially up to 8 people now. With me so far?

Fast forward to yesterday, we got a phone call from DP's mum telling us that the auntie's other daughter has said she wants to be with her parents too so that's 9, her husband = 10 and their unruly puppy needs to come too. (I have nothing against dogs at all, I love them but they let her jump all over their furniture and chew shampoo bottles and basically wreck their house). DP's mum then went on to say that she will also ask her brother... 11 and her brother's wife... 12 to come too. Oh and the two daughters, the husband and the aunt and uncle will have to stay at our house too for 5 days because DP's mum doesn't want them all at her house.

That was it for me. I told DP to hang up the phone because we are not committing to anything. AIBU to be absolutely fuming?? What has turned into a relatively low-key Christmas has now become a free for all with DP's mum inviting every relative she can think of (but conveniently palming them off at our house to stay). Now DP and I are completely at a loss because if we say no, everyone is going to be disappointed. However, if we say yes, DP is convinced that his brother and family are going to want to come too. (DP and his brother do not get on). His brother is due to go to the wife's family for Christmas this year as they were last year but cancelled because the whole family came to DP's mum's and the brother couldn't bare to be left out. I can't see him wanting to be left out this year either.

It's going to be a tight squeeze and I'm not even sure our tiny kitchen has the potential to cook for 17 people (including us). Is there some sort of compromise we can come to or do we just flat out say no?

Pneumometer Your reply nearly made me spit my coffee all over my keyboard.

Well it's all very well not wanting to disappoint them but how does he feel about cooking for 17 people? And don't forget, if you've done it once it will be expected every year. That might change his mind!

It's not worth having a shit Christmas over, say no.

What time is lunch so I'm not late?

I understand about the dd wanting to be involved. Most people do things with their families and probably her friends and flat mates will be with their families. But then the onus should have been on the aunt and uncle to say this is getting out of hand and decline the invite.

Now you have to say it's all got a bit out of hand and you'll go back to just your parents.

Can't help but think this is karma for starting to think about xmas so bloody early.

(We don't do xmas. It's soooooo much better than going through this sort of shit!)

I agree - you HAVE to get back in touch with Auntie and Uncle first, to say what DamnBamboo said. You can make it clear that you are happy to host them, but that you can't take on the catering and accommodation for the world and his wife, or the entire extended family in this case.

Then get onto PIL and let them know the same thing.

It IS almost 4 months away yet, more than 100 days still, so there is plenty of time for people to consider alternative options (and go back to Plan A before your invite was issued/someone else invited them on your behalf).

IF, and it is a very big IF, you still want to host a somewhat bigger group, there need to be rules in place. YOU decide the accomodations and length of stay - so YOU invite whoever you choose to stay with you and make it clear that it is for a period from X day to Y day. And you also make it clear, if say you invite the 2nd DSis (Cousin) and her DH, that the dog is not included in that invitation and they will have to make other arrangements for it for the duration.

TELL the PIL that this is what YOU have decided about YOUR home. If THEY want to have DAunt and DUncle around for longer, then they will have to sort that themselves. Be that making hotel suggestions or offering beds themselves for an extra few nights.

If need be, consider having a quiet ski trip for yourselves and enjoy turkey halfway up a mountain!!

(In our case, we had the ridiculous situation of eating 2 Christmas turkeys every year, a lunch and a dinner, to avoid getting either (or both, realistically) sets of parents annoyed. And as we live a couple of hours away, neither set will visit us for Christmas. So we now alternate, some years going "home" and stuffing ourselves twice (and exercising lots) and other years, staying in our own home and just cooking for our nuclear family, now 3 people. Maybe, either when enough of my family have married themselves off, or caring responsibilities are done for PIL, some of them will come to us instead - the joys of both being the eldest!).

Book a break in a lovely hotel. Tell them they are all welcome to book their own stay. Bet they don't...

Get your do to say to his Mum

"As your planning it now I assume where coming to yours so you can ensure everyone is to your liking. I'llgst Danibubbles to let her parents know the change of venue"

Then when his Mum objects he can reissue the ORIGINAL invite to yours.

People can then decline or not.

DisappointedOne Definitely karma! I did tell DP to keep his mouth shut but he is excited about the prospect of hosting his parents for the first time since he moved out. Bet he wish he had listened to me now. Where do I find the smug face emoji?
BiddyPop I completely agree.

In theory it could be possible to host everyone but it would mean cooking certain aspects of the meal the day before.. preheating roasties or veg which would add to the stress and isn't ideal... no proper starter, just nibbles before the main meal... some of us sitting at one table, some of us sitting at another... people having to sit in separate rooms once the meal is done... I just know it won't please everyone, DP's family are always looking for "the perfect Christmas" which simply isn't going to happen.

Sod it. It's not worth ruining Christmas over.

Cut it back to just the 2 sets of parents.

Look, it's only the beginning of September. There's plenty of time for them all to rearrange their Christmas.

You need to have the Christmas YOU want. This is just ridiculous, everyone inviting themselves even (as you suspect will happen with BIL) when they don't even like you!

Go back to your parents and your ILs and say you want to go back to the original invitation. Your aunt and uncle are still invited but you cannot, CANNOT have any more than that.

It's just ridiculous. Don't let them all ride rough-shod over you.

don't do it, they'll expect it EVERY year if you do...believe me!

KinkyAfro That's what worries me. With the rest of the family living so far away, they only have three options when they come up here. DP's brother who don't have the room, DP's parents who have made it perfectly clear that they do not want to host another Christmas.... so that leaves muggins here.

This will be the first Christmas I have been able to spend with my own parents for about 5 years and I really didn't want to be running around after DP's family all day. I know that sounds terribly selfish but it's how I feel.

I would just tell the ones you actually invited that you can only accomodate them and not any extras.

Hi, thought I would just drop you a line (or whatever if your phoning/speaking face to face). As you know we invited you and we cant really fit any one else in. I understand if this doesn't suit and you want to change your mind about coming. Pleas let us know what your plans are

YANBU. This is ridiculous. Why would everyone need to stay 5 days for a start? How long is this bloomin' lunch going to take?

Send an e-mail around saying that you're flattered that so many people want to come. but unfortunately as numbers are now much higher than initially expected you don't have the room, and would one of the other families mind hosting you all instead? Maybe suggest DP's mothers house? That way if she wants everyone there she can cater / accommodate them all.

It sounds as if it would be possible, just about, to do Christmas lunch for that number. It would be possible, just about, to put up 5 people for five days.

But not both!

The nightmare of trying to do all the day before prep with that lot hanging around, plus feeding them all again on boxing day does not bear thinking about.

I'd be beyond peeved.

Did MIL used to host all the people that she is now trying to palm off on to you then?

How many "kids" does GM have who could host her?

Or could someone do Christmas with/for her in her own place?

I can't really blame the daughter for wanting to have Christmas with her parents - particularly if the alternative is being alone in her flat/with flatmates that she might have just randomly picked off spareroom or somewhere. You obviously want to spend Christmas with your parents so she is nbu to want to do the same.

However she WAS being unreasonable to say 'in no uncertain terms,' she would be going where her parents went. She should have taken them aside and said 'Um, mum..what about me and other dd?' I would be gutted if my parents would prefer to spend Christmas with their nephew and girlfriend rather than their own children.

Her parents were also being unreasonable in not thinking about what their own children would want to do over Christmas when they spilled their sadface 'all at a loose end' story.

DP's m&d also being unreasonable in taking advantage of your kind offer and inviting half the family, friends and general neighbourhood along (particularly if, presumably unlike aunt,uncle,nieces, they have been to your house and know the size) and VVVU to offer up your house for a week! Think DP's mum has spotted the opportunity to offload of stress of hosting on to you and grabbed it with both hands (and feet).

Given all this, the only ones who are NOT being U and are acting in a normal, polite, non cheeky, fashion are you and DP, you should not feel at all guilty in rescinding all invites and just having a quiet christmas with you, and your parents if you want.

alternatively...cheerfully agree to host all and sundry, and then spend the next 3 months having fun dropping hints on what you have planned for the WORSE CHRISTMAS EVER!

obviously these have to be tailored depending on the family, but for example:

'Midnight mass, followed by 8am Church service and then 4pm again,' if they aren't religious
'Booked us all in to help at the local soup kitchen' if they'd rather stay in the house all day
'Planned a lovely 4 hr walk to really help us enjoy our meal'
'Trying out a new all-vegan Christmas dinner this year, hope you like nuts!'
'TV banned all over Christmas, but don't worry I've got lots of board games'
'No alcohol!'

See how far you can take it until the excuses start coming in...

Aside from the space and stress that would cost a FORTUNE to host that many people.

Issue a formal invitation to your respective parents and aunt/uncle. State that you are very sorry but you cannot accommodate any more than 6 guests for Christmas lunch, and that you won't be at all offended if on balance they would prefer to decline the invite in favour of spending Christmas day with their own children. "It would be lovely to see you for coffee and cake on Boxing Day afternoon etc or whatever actually suits you" FGS don't rope yourself into 17 on Boxing Day.

The alternative is that you find some sort of huge house in the country that can be rented for a week but given your Aunt and Uncle's building plans I'd leave that to them to arrange if they are very keen to spend Christmas with 17+ folk.

Anotheronebitthedust you are an evil genius!

Or to add to Another's list

DH and I have decided to try an Indian Christmas this year due to the numbers so we are planning to do a selection of curries for Christmas lunch. Please let us know if you have any allergies...

Convert to Islam. Cancel Christmas on religious grounds.

Can I come too? Just me, DH, DC x 3 and a small dog.

Thanks

"Think DP's mum has spotted the opportunity to offload of stress of hosting on to you and grabbed it with both hands (and feet)."

Couldn't agree more. I think this is exactly what has happened. She wants all her family around her for Christmas (she loves being the center of attention) but doesn't want the mess they leave or the effort of having to cook and host for them! I have already told DP what I think his darling mother's motives are.

Anotheronebitthedust I love love love these suggestions! Definitely be tempted to try the "vegan" suggestion (last year when DP's mum hosted, a hissy fit was thrown because she didn't cook Turkey so the day was "ruined" and it "wasn't traditional". The no alcohol one is also a winner! Nobody would turn up if they thought it was going to be a sober Christmas! You're a genius. I could kiss you. C'mere