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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be peeved with DP family (Christmas)

78 replies

DaniBubbles · 08/09/2015 09:31

I know it is still 4 months away but DP and I loooove Christmas. We made plans a month ago to invite my parents and his parents round for Christmas dinner this year. Nice quiet family time. Shortly after, we travelled to visit DP's aunt and uncle. The topic of Christmas came up and they mentioned they were at a loose end. DP and I discussed it and decided to invite the aunt and uncle for Christmas too as a thank you for letting us stay with them during our visit. So now 6 people in total. While we were visiting, their daughter (DP's cousin) came round for dinner one evening. Again, the topic of Christmas came up in conversation. She told us in no uncertain terms that wherever her parents are going for Christmas, she would be going too. Also DP's grandmother (the auntie's mother) would have to come too. DP and I didn't really commit and said we'd have a think about it.

So potentially up to 8 people now. With me so far?

Fast forward to yesterday, we got a phone call from DP's mum telling us that the auntie's other daughter has said she wants to be with her parents too so that's 9, her husband = 10 and their unruly puppy needs to come too. (I have nothing against dogs at all, I love them but they let her jump all over their furniture and chew shampoo bottles and basically wreck their house). DP's mum then went on to say that she will also ask her brother... 11 and her brother's wife... 12 to come too. Oh and the two daughters, the husband and the aunt and uncle will have to stay at our house too for 5 days because DP's mum doesn't want them all at her house. Angry

That was it for me. I told DP to hang up the phone because we are not committing to anything. AIBU to be absolutely fuming?? What has turned into a relatively low-key Christmas has now become a free for all with DP's mum inviting every relative she can think of (but conveniently palming them off at our house to stay). Now DP and I are completely at a loss because if we say no, everyone is going to be disappointed. However, if we say yes, DP is convinced that his brother and family are going to want to come too. (DP and his brother do not get on). His brother is due to go to the wife's family for Christmas this year as they were last year but cancelled because the whole family came to DP's mum's and the brother couldn't bare to be left out. I can't see him wanting to be left out this year either.

It's going to be a tight squeeze and I'm not even sure our tiny kitchen has the potential to cook for 17 people (including us). Is there some sort of compromise we can come to or do we just flat out say no? Hmm Confused

OP posts:
InimitableJeeves · 08/09/2015 15:29

This is a very good reason for not trying to plan Christmas too early. If you hadn't mentioned it to your aunt and uncle, they would have carried on and made arrangements with their children and wouldn't have claimed to be at a loose end.

Next year, announce around February that you are spending Christmas 2016 strictly on your own.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 08/09/2015 15:49

DamnBamboo has the best logical answer to this. I do however have to give praise to Anotherone and to catfordbetty for their suggestions on how to handle the situation.

The only good thing going in your favour is that you have loads of time for these relatives to make alternative plans.

OurBlanche · 08/09/2015 16:00

We used to have a weird Christmas problem.

If we were at ILs I'd do lots of the cooking with MIL (she tended to get tiddly and forget what was on/off). There would be 8 family and 2 friends, who were happy to eat off their laps in front of the telly while the family ate and then bugger off to a club while we all played silly games.

2 friends became 3 and then, one year, on the day, with 5 minutes 'notice' SFIL excelled himself and found 6 stragglers, lonely alcoholic people whose families didn't want them were doing something else.

MIL was so very impressed that we managed to feed them all, find wine for them all and even had enough pudding to go round.

She remained ever unaware that DH had gone home and brought round our Boxing Day provisions (cooked meat and a box of wine for us and some friends) and we had bulked out the meal with that.

Sometimes you can cope, other times you haven't got a hope n hell of it working. You, OP, are in the latter situation. You need to throw your rattle out of your pram, right now. Get the guest list back to you and both sets of parents only. Anyone who doesn't like it can make other arrangements.

Do NOT cope, just this once. It will become the new tradition and you will spend every Christmas being moaned at because your sprouts aren't right, Aunty Mona's cat doesn't like BILs dog and the baby got measles.

Get out of this, right now Smile

cestlavielife · 08/09/2015 16:08

you only acocmodate in the house whoever fits in spare bedroom. the rest can come but have to rent a cottage nearby together or stay in premier inn. simple.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/09/2015 16:12

It's become a crazy free for all. Just tell them that it is becoming too much for you to manage, and will just be asking you and do parents, others are to make their own areangements.

Aqualady · 08/09/2015 16:17

So what are you going to do op? Tell them to chuff off or suffer in silence?

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 08/09/2015 16:51

I stopped reading the list after the puppy tbh. I love dogs but would never ever invite myself somewhere and be like "oh but ddog has to come to". Christmas with that many people would stress puppy out anyway, so even if I was invited I'd politely decline!

You were kind to invite your aunt and uncle. They're taking the piss if they think that includes their whole extended family

You need to get back control! Tell the lot of them that you invited your parents, his parents and aunt and uncle. You don't have room or time (or inclination) to cater for more than those people you invited. If those people would rather spend Xmas with other people that's fine, you won't be offended, not a problem not to have an extra ten people foisted on you (?!?!?)

Ywbu to let it carry on like this tbh!

Aqualady · 08/09/2015 16:56

ywbu to let it carry on like this tbh!

2rebecca · 08/09/2015 23:25

Agree with the just say no view. Get back to mil and tell her the invite is just for her and fil. If they wish to spend Xmas with all these other people then you will understand if they decline but you want a holiday at Xmas too and don't want to feed the 5000

maddening · 08/09/2015 23:54

I would say to mil that if she wants to have all over for xmas there is no way that you can cater for all so either she will have to cater but you will chip in on behalf of you dp and the original 6 that were asks or you book a big group at a pub /restaurant with all couples paying for themselves - and you will happily do mulled wine and cake afterwards

TidyDancer · 09/09/2015 07:15

No way would I agree to this. DP's brother (who we used to be close to) has been a right royal cunt this past year and has already mentioned about coming to us for Christmas with his dreadful girlfriend. Not happening. If he gets to the point of asking us, then it will be a flat out (polite) no. This is what you need to do, be clear it's a no and stick to it.

Witchend · 09/09/2015 09:16

Put you foot down properly. Bil decided one year that Christmas was going to be us hosting everyone and told us last. Seriously unimpressed. Have told dh if it ever occurs,again he is to immediately say no.

Theycallmemellowjello · 09/09/2015 09:21

It's just a bit of miscommunication. It's normal for families to want to spend Christmas together, and clearly somehow the word got round that you are hosting generally rather than that you'd just invited two members of a family. Just explain you can't host that many and see your aunt and uncle another time. I actually don't really see the issue.

AlisonWunderland · 09/09/2015 09:33

I've done Christmas lunch for 12 in a decent sized house (with a small oven) with only 2 overnight guests.
There's no way I could have coped with more.

It either back to the original 6 plus auntie and uncle but not their family, or if pushed, Christmas dinner out at a hotel where all the guests are staying

Rarity08 · 09/09/2015 09:46

Never ever mention the C word infront of relatives Grin

Original poster
DaniBubbles · 16/09/2015 01:20

UPDATE
Hi guys,
I have had a bit of a chat with DP and he agrees with me that everyone inviting themselves was bang out of order. However, he has given it some thought and decided he would really like his gran to be there for Christmas. She is getting on a bit now and this might be the last time she will be able to travel all the way up to this neck of the woods. He has confided that he would really like to make this Christmas special if this is going to be one of her last. So we are going to do just that.

Good news though is, he has spoken to his mum about his suspicions about his brother but she has assured him that he has other plans (I doubt he will stick to them but that remains to be seen). Also his mum's brother and his wife won't be attending and now neither will my mum and dad so that leaves only 9 people to cook for. I've also made it clear that if his cousins want to stay at ours for a few days, they will be pitching in with preparation and keeping the house clean. I don't want our place treated like a hotel when we will have enough stresses as it is.

DP and I obviously have more to discuss but this is where we've got to so far.

Thanks to everyone for all your responses and helpful suggestions Smile Flowers

OP posts:
derxa · 16/09/2015 04:16

and chew shampoo bottles
Sorry. I have no advice. The picture I have in my head is a sort of National Lampoon Christmas with a dog running round foaming at the mouth.

BiddyPop · 16/09/2015 08:03

That sounds positive Dani, like you have taken back control and are doing things on your terms.

Wishing you, and all your guests, a Happy Christmas!! Xmas Grin

Original poster
DaniBubbles · 19/09/2015 16:51

UPDATE

So, we have just received a call from DP's mother telling us that DP's aunt and uncle won't be coming for Christmas because "they want to spend this Christmas as the last one in their house the way it is before the renovation starts".

Is it just me or does this sound weird? Would you class this as a legit excuse or do you think they're just fobbing us off because we didn't welcome all the extended family with open arms?

OP posts:
MythicalKings · 19/09/2015 16:52

Fobbing but who cares? Result for you!

Original poster
DaniBubbles · 19/09/2015 16:55

MythicalKings result for me yes but DP is a bit upset about the excuse. My first thought was fobbing too but didn't know if I was just blindly jumping to conclusions.

OP posts:
Varya · 19/09/2015 16:57

We fed 14 one Christmas - never again!

kickassangel · 19/09/2015 17:15

If aunt and uncle said they were at a loose end, they may not have been expecting their dc's to spend Christmas with them, and be looking for a way out of the grand circus at your house as much as you are. Seems far more sensible that they stay at their place with their immediate family, you have a few relatives to yours, and everyone is happy. Take it as them seeing sense, and trying to give an excuse to MIL, who seems the main instigator of getting everyone to stay at your house, rather than a reflection on you two.

Hissy · 19/09/2015 17:23

Dani the aunt and uncle have possibly changed their minds, or have realised that they alone were turning your Christmas into a circus.

It's fine, it's the result you wanted. Have them over at Easter instead or something.

2rebecca · 19/09/2015 17:30

Agree that for whatever reason the aunt and uncle have changed their minds. They maybe just thought about it and decided they'd rather stay at home and have a quieter Christmas. The auntie maybe didn't realise her daughter would muscle in when she invited herself and realised it was too much work.
I think it's a good result. A manageable sized family Christmas.