I think deep down I know I am BU, I should be relieved more than anything, but I'm not and I'm looking for reassurance.
I've finally had the courage to be honest with my abusive husband and tell him to leave.
He's not exactly over the moon about it, but he has finally got the message that I'm deadly serious about not wanting him anywhere near our children or myself, and he's moving out.
I've tried to separate from him before and been persuaded by family, and him, to take him back (and then told I should be grateful he's come back to me, all the usual bullshit), which is why he's still here all these years later.
Last night was the final straw when he woke up our DS(2) while he was screaming at me and slamming things. I went to settle DS and he asked me why daddy was shouting and being a 'naughty boy'. It broke my heart that he realised what was going on. I realised at that point that he's probably still young enough that he's not been completely damaged by what his dad is doing, but if I leave it any longer he might not be so lucky. So I put my brave pants on, told him exactly what I felt like and told him he needs to go. It sunk in. He's going to the council today to see what they can do about getting him some accommodation ASAP.
Now, here's where I start to panic....I'm due to have twins in the next 3 weeks, meaning that by early October I'll have 3 children under 2.5! How the actual fuck am I going to cope?
The only family I have close by work full time, or are VERY elderly. I have no friends (I've been extremely isolated for the last few years thanks to H and have lost contact with all but one of my friends. She is currently travelling with no return date in sight).
There's also the financial implications. How will I afford all the rent/bills while I'm only on maternity pay? I'll be fine once I'm back at work (I have a FT job with a reasonable salary for the area I live in and a fantastic bonus structure), but it will mean I'll have to go back to work far sooner than I wanted to and I'll miss out on so much of my babies.
I have a routine midwife appointment on Wednesday so I'm going to ask if there's any extra help available for the first few weeks when the babies arrive but I'm not sure what kind of thing they could even offer!? As I need to budget as much as possible while I'm on reduced income I can't really afford to be paying for a live in nanny or anything like that.
What have I done?! I should have just let him stay till the babies were a few months old, just for practical reasons shouldn't I?
Please tell me it will be ok?