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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up doing all this myself

74 replies

NuckyS · 07/09/2015 15:50

Married with 2 DCs and moved into a home which requires a lot of fixing up a few years ago.

I work FT and DW works PT; we split the household stuff 50:50 as much as we can accommodating work, except for one thing - the house requires a lot of DIY and decorating, and DW won't do any of this.

Since we bought the house I have completely remodelled and redecorated bedrooms, a living room, the dining room, the bathroom and am now taking on the garage, and DW has barely lifted a finger to help. She is not physically limited by anything and much of the work is basic stuff like painting, sanding, varnishing, wallpapering, so doesn't require an expert, but whenever any of this needs done I have to do it all myself.

I'm utterly fed up with this, especially since DW doesn't take any notice of my opinion of the decorating. For example, if she wants a particular kind light fitting, and I say I don't like it, she ignores me and orders it anyway, and then I'm expected to fit it.

OP posts:

Fugghetaboutit · 07/09/2015 15:51

Have you asked her to help?

Original poster

NuckyS · 07/09/2015 15:54

A few times - the next project is to redecorate a master bedroom. We spoke about it and I said that I couldn't do it on my own because I have too much to do at work and no leave to take.

The next time we spoke about it DW said "DCs and I will go to my parents to get out of your hair while you get on with it" as if I'd never said anything at all!

OP posts:

lovelyconverse123 · 07/09/2015 15:55

not surprised you feel like that nucky especially if you have asked her for help. my understanding from your post is that both of you live in the house ? doesn't sound fair that you have to do the lions share. my personal feeling is DIY is a complete slog and a drudge and I hate it, and its so much easier to get someone in to do it, but you have to pay for that. we had some work to do when we bought our house, but I just go stuck in and did it. after all, I was living there too, and benefitting from it. unfortunately, my oh is quite limited in his DIY skills so we had to pay for a lot of stuff. my suggestion would be to down tools, and get people in to do the work, pay for it and she if she has a change of mind then when hard earned money is going out the door. literally.

rageagainsttheBIL · 07/09/2015 15:55

How old are the dc? There's no way both dh and I could decorate with our toddler in the house.

Iamnotloobrushphobic · 07/09/2015 16:00

Did your wife want a doer upper house or was it you that wanted it?
I do almost all of the DIY in my house because my DH is hopeless at DIY, even his painting skills leave a lot to be desired. But he makes up for it by doing the lions share of the gardening and ironing. If your DW doesn't like DIY could you hand over other tasks to even things out?

Original poster

NuckyS · 07/09/2015 16:01

We couldn't afford to get a contractor in, and I don't mind doing DIY, but for a while now I've been using up all my leave for childcare, and am very busy at work, so I have had to fit any work on the house around this, which is very frustrating as I feel I am getting no help with it.

DCs are both preschool.

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 07/09/2015 16:05

oh heck. sympathies. It is bloody hard work doing anything diy. Mind you, ex was so bad at it I would hardly let him try. It was harder filling in the bloody gouges in the ceiling that he and inlaws made, or repainting skirting board as they had got paint over it and not wiped it than doing it myself. at least you do not try and walkpaper at 8 months pregnant with spd, taking half an hour for one drop of wallpaper

Original poster

NuckyS · 07/09/2015 16:06

Iamnotloobrushphobic

It's actually her parents' old house where she grew up. I was all for buying it at the time because it was also as close as we could move to my parents while still being a reasonable commuting distance (my parents have passed on since we bought it, though).

OP posts:

TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 16:06

Not sure I'd feel like doing DIY when I'm looking after 2 young children the rest of the time.

Fugghetaboutit · 07/09/2015 16:06

Ask her to help with a specific part of it 'I'll be doing the painting so if you could help with the sanding that would he grand thank love'

Original poster

NuckyS · 07/09/2015 16:08

BlackeyedSusan

I had hardly ever seen a wallpapering brush before I started! I've picked up some skillz now, but when I look at some of the earlier stuff I did I wonder if it was me or our 2-year-old that was responsible ;)

OP posts:

PennyHasNoSurname · 07/09/2015 16:09

Have you askd her why she isnt able to do any of the DIY?

juliej75 · 07/09/2015 16:12

I certainly wouldn't be fitting any lights etc I didn't like. Next time, order what you like, fit that and tell her that if she doesn't like it, she can do it herself. Are there any paint colours she hates? I'd be very tempted to do the master bedroom entirely to my own tastes, if I were to be doing all the work...

No, you are definitely NBU.

goblinhat · 07/09/2015 16:15

I am in a similar position.
My OH dislikes DIY. I do all the decorating, I have papered and painted every room, tiled a kitchen and a bathroom.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 07/09/2015 16:17

So who would look after the DC when she is helping you?

SanityClause · 07/09/2015 16:18

If your DC are so tiny, I'm not surprised she doesn't help. Little ones need constant supervision, and an area where DIY is taking place can be very dangerous. Lots of sharp things, and poisonous things to keep them out of.

I remember my DH making similar complaints about me, when DD1 was very small (about 18 months). I agreed to paint, if he would look after DD1but as soon as I started to do some work, he stopped looking after her, and started to paint, so in the end, I had to stop what I was doing, and look after her, or there could have been paint everywhere.

As I was better at childcare, and he was better at DIY, (due to practise for both of us) it made sense for that to be the demarcation.

GraciesMansion · 07/09/2015 16:24

You could be describing our family. I'm pretty sure my DH would say we split household tasks/childcare 50:50. In reality, I do most of the housework on my days off work, I do all the laundry bar the ironing and I do all the 'childcare' (not that we really consider it that). What we share 50:50 is the stuff that gets done when we're both in the house so he probably feels like we do the same, he just doesn't see all the 'behind the scenes' stuff. So to some extent I do expect my DH to get on with the diy because it's something he is so much better at than me. Maybe she feels the same? However, I do let him get on and do what he wants, if he's doing it I'm not really bothered what colour things are or what lights get put up so long as they work!

Original poster

NuckyS · 07/09/2015 16:25

DCs are three and four, so not helpless babies.

OP posts:

PennyHasNoSurname · 07/09/2015 16:26

Next day off just pack up the kids and say "we are off to the park have fun paintinf the bedroom!"

3littlefrogs · 07/09/2015 16:29

A 3 and 4 year old would need constant supervision while any DIY was being done. Who would do that while DW is helping with the DIY?

Alternatively - who would take the DC out of the way while both of you were doing the DIY?

(Thinks back to my attempts to replace the sealant round the bath whilst being assisted by my 2 and 4 year olds. After an hour or so I gave up.)

TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 16:31

They're hardly teenagers, are they, Nucky? You think a 3 and 4 year old can be left unsupervised? Plus they're a lot of work at that age. Presumably as your DW works part time, she's looking after them more than you do.

TheVeryThing · 07/09/2015 16:34

I don't think a three and four year old can be left unsupervised when you're decorating, they are very likely to want to 'help', surely.

YANBU to be fed up of doing it all, though.
Have you actually told her that you are sick of it, and not prepared to do it on your own?

Surely you could take turns in minding dcs, and decorating?

TheImminentGin · 07/09/2015 16:36

Hmmm well part of me thinks ok she doesn't like or want to do diy so doesn't, that's fine.
But the ordering of things she likes but you don't isn't. I think I would send them back, order something different and fit that. If she complains then you can have that discussion again about each persons opinions and not riding roughshod over them.
In my last live in relationship I did most of the DIY. It felt odd to me that my then DP wasn't remotely bothered about the house but it meant I was free to order stuff and get on with it myself.

RandomMess · 07/09/2015 16:37

Take the kids away whilst she does some!

Original poster

NuckyS · 07/09/2015 16:38

Well, unfortunately I had to undertake DIY with my DCs around as, if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done. The bathroom, for example, had to be fitted and fixed, the fence has to be painted when it's a dry day, the electrical fittings have to be fixed when they go awry - if I can do these with DCs around so can others.

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