To be fed up doing all this myself

[NuckyS]

Married with 2 DCs and moved into a home which requires a lot of fixing up a few years ago.

I work FT and DW works PT; we split the household stuff 50:50 as much as we can accommodating work, except for one thing - the house requires a lot of DIY and decorating, and DW won't do any of this.

Since we bought the house I have completely remodelled and redecorated bedrooms, a living room, the dining room, the bathroom and am now taking on the garage, and DW has barely lifted a finger to help. She is not physically limited by anything and much of the work is basic stuff like painting, sanding, varnishing, wallpapering, so doesn't require an expert, but whenever any of this needs done I have to do it all myself.

I'm utterly fed up with this, especially since DW doesn't take any notice of my opinion of the decorating. For example, if she wants a particular kind light fitting, and I say I don't like it, she ignores me and orders it anyway, and then I'm expected to fit it.

If you have as much on your plate as you say and are finding it stressful then yes, just leave the diy for a while.
Just because it's her childhood home doesn't mean she needs to be madly interested in doing it up. Have you asked her?

When you suggested you took the kids to her parents and then both of you decorated, what did she say? I would think that was the best option, personally.

That's the nail-on-the-head right there. We don't communicate very well, or at least not as well as we used to. Part of that is no doubt having DCs and being so tired all the time (we commute a lot as well), but we never seem to be able to communicate about the 'big' stuff (money, stress, etc.) without it degenerating to someone feeling like they're being blamed.

I think that's your bigger problem and is underpinning this thread. It's come through in your posts. I definitely think the kids are a lot to do with it. Maybe scale stuff back that's stressing you out and is unnecessary (like the DIY, unless the roof is falling down), and try to spend a bit more time together as a couple without the focus being on things that worry you (money, DIY, jobs, etc.). Be patient with yourselves, things will be easier as the kids get older, and above all try to communicate honestly. What you said about blame, you should definitely tell her, she may be feeling the same. Good luck.

I think YANBU, OP. I work PT and DH FT, we have a fixer-upper and a good 80-90% of the project management and decoration is done by me. In fairness we don't have DC yet but right now I'm treating the renovation as a PT job as if I weren't managing it we'd need to pay someone else to do it.

The point though is that major renovations are seriously time and effort-intensive. I think it's pretty brutal for you to be working FT and be shouldering all of it as well especially if she's working PT.

The MN rule of thumb tends to be: do you have equal leisure time? Does she get time 'to herself' at all? It sounds like you don't really. If that's the case I think you and she need to have a long talk about priorities and rebalancing the load a bit so you have more equal leisure time.

Venting is all well and good, but you're dismissing everyone who tries to defend your wife, and all advice. It really sounds as if you dislike and resent your wife quite a lot, in which case you have bigger problems than her refusal to do any DIY.

That's closer to the bone than I would like, not the 'dislike' part but the 'resent' part. I think the DIY is more of a symptom - we're not as much of a 'partnership' as we should, or could be - of a bigger thing. I know that's not her fault, as we're both under pressure, but I would like to feel more listened to.

I would just be honest with her. Sit her down, tell her straight, but without getting irritated or raising your voice, exactly what you have told us here. Wait until the kids are in bed to bring it up so she can't avoid the subject. If she continues to avoid the subject, or refuses to compromise then you give up the DIY entirely aside from anything absolutely vital or you put in on hold and save up money from the household budget by scrimping and saving to cover the cost of workmen. On the subject of you having no decisions regarding decoration, if she orders something you don't like and haven't agreed on, then send it back or don't fit it!

I think that's your bigger problem and is underpinning this thread. It's come through in your posts. I definitely think the kids are a lot to do with it. Maybe scale stuff back that's stressing you out and is unnecessary (like the DIY, unless the roof is falling down), and try to spend a bit more time together as a couple without the focus being on things that worry you (money, DIY, jobs, etc.). Be patient with yourselves, things will be easier as the kids get older, and above all try to communicate honestly. What you said about blame, you should definitely tell her, she may be feeling the same. Good luck.

That's a kind post, thank you for that.

How much is left to do ? Would it be possible to down tools for a few months ?

It sounds as if you're at the end of your tether doing the renovations and that's understandable after 2 years of it. Personally I'd refuse to put stuff in if your opinions haven't been taken into account.
However it also seems a bit unreasonable that you think that two people can actively participate in this whilst simultaneously having 2 preschoolers and with you both working.

Also if you're expecting her to do it once they've gone to bed then nah I wouldn't be up for it. If you want to do it fine, but I am generally tired after working all day and then getting DS to bed and the last thing I'd be prepared to do is DIY at 10pm at night.

I actually think if you could get her parents to look after the DCs for a bit, a much nicer option than stripping/sanding/whatever, would be to go out for a meal where you deliberately don't pick up the big topics.

What's more important for you? - a happy family or a perfect house, because at the minute all your efforts are focused on the second one.

Just on the DIY issue, what is left that is urgent, as in cannot live in the house properly if it is not done? If you have done all these jobs and are just redecorating or updating, then maybe have a break from the DIY for a few months to give you time to recharge and spend some time together. When you are ready to restart you could try talking it through and allocating jobs or times to one and other - eg: I'll do this afternoon and you can do tomorrow and we can do it together in the evening when the kids have gone to bed.

One of the problems is that because of the cheapness of the house, the local climate, and my inexperience at DIY when I started, a lot of the problems I thought were fixed are coming back around again, and now I have less time to fix them!

(pro-tip: if it's a choice between putting underlay down, and not putting underlay down, always put underlay down - don't do what I did and say 'meh, who needs it?')

I likely won't be back on this for a while, so just to say thanks to everyone who responded.

I'm sorry if anyone felt I was being short with them after taking the time to respond.

My Dh was annoyed by my lack of help doing up our house!
For me it was difficult to get into sanding/painting whilst keeping half an eye on our dc (who were the same ages as yours).
I felt by keeping them out of the way and keeping on top of other household drudgery I was contributing.
We had a blazing row and I demonstrated how hard it was by getting stuck in and refusing to help at all with getting them drinks, sorting out rows, help in the loo, sorting out TV/iPad and all that stuff!
I won the row
I hope you and your dw manage to laugh a bout this one day!

It sounds like you need to reprioritise based on what absolutely must be addressed e.g. damp problems etc. versus cosmetic desires e.g. redecorating the bedroom.

Also it sounds like it may be cheaper in the long run to actually pay for some of this stuff. Not all of it but some of it. Maybe your DW would be willing to get some quotes in - that way even if you don't go down that route she'll be better acquainted with the value of what you are doing .

Its a tough one OP.

Personally I like to work as a team and am a little bit lost/not as constructive on my own. Factor 2 preschoolers into the mix and someone has to take care of them. And some people just don't like doing DIY stuff (my XP for instance never lifted a finger whereas at least I will give it a go though I'd prefer not to do it).

It's raising communication and resentment issues between you - which are very difficult. Surely you don't HAVE to do anymore decorating. You could just stop for a while. Nothing bad ever came from looking at old wallpaper etc. It's not ideal and I'm sure you would both love a newly decorated bedroom but at what cost to your relationship?

Would you consider stopping the decorating and letting go of the resentment. If your W raises it you can say you've had enough and would like to take a break and then proceed with the rest as part of a team with her, and what can you both do to sort that. She may well be 100% adamant that she won't do any DIY. So perhaps you then both agree to take a break from it.

Resentment is very corrosive to love. My priority would be to deal with that asap.

We have spent 22 years sorting out our house and we are still not finished.
I have done loads of painting and decorating, gardening, as well as having 3 children, working part time and full time; DH has always worked very long hours. In that time we have had endless problems with subsidence, flooding, plumbing, you name it we have had it.

You just have to manage what you can and sometimes accept that you have to stop for a while. As long as the place is habitable other stuff can wait.

We're renovating and I'm a sahm. He suggested I knock out the kitchen and get downstairs back to brick as I was at home all day anyway.
I got dd (aged 2) to greet him bearing a massive crowbar. He realised what he asked was impossible.
However when he took dd off for the weekend I went lump hammer crazy.......

No answer to 'is your wife a Mumsnetter?', then?

Do you have to redecorate right now? Can you just take a break and not do it? How would your dw react to that?

I think YANBU, OP. I work PT and DH FT, we have a fixer-upper and a good 80-90% of the project management and decoration is done by me. In fairness we don't have DC yet but right now I'm treating the renovation as a PT job as if I weren't managing it we'd need to pay someone else to do it.

As you don't have children yet you have no understanding of how time consuming having 2 young children is. Working part time and project managing when you are childless is very different from working part time, having children to look after and found DIY /project managing. Looking after young children is a full time job in itself.

I feel for you op. We bought a fixer upper and we have a 2 and 3 yo. We've spent the last 2 years fixing it up. Similarity stops there though really as we talked about it a lot before buying and have basically divided the work.

There are some things you can get done with kids around, I've stripped wallpaper with dd2 in a sling, and painted and made kitchen cabinets with them around. Someone else needs to watch them if we have power tools out orvare up a ladder.

But we are definitely at team on this.
If I was doing it all myslef I would be resentful.

Is moving a option? Childhood home or no.

is she acting like the child she once was there?

*Is moving a option? Childhood home or no.

is she acting like the child she once was there?*

No and no to both questions. We bought the house cos we both like the area, the house came available at the right time and we're settled (great school, too, and very quiet). We also bought it when mortgages were easier to get and houses in our area were cheaper, so I think we'd bust our budget getting anywhere else. The house was put up very cheaply, though, hence the wear-and-tear and fixing-upping.

Do you have to redecorate right now? Can you just take a break and not do it? How would your dw react to that?

We're having a few problems with damp in bedrooms, so from both a cosmetic and a structural point-of-view I have to sort that out sooner rather than later. The electrics are also a constant niggle, so that sort of thing can't be left alone. Would like help with it, though :/

Honestly damp and electrics are probs the two projects that aren't diy, you needs a professional. Why not agree together that decorating and carpets will have to wait until the fundamentals are in place via an electrician and damp specialist.

The more technical stuff regarding damp and wiring is nothing I don't know how to do myself. I wouldn't expect DW to learn all that. What's bugging me is that we don't share the simpler stuff - stripping wallpaper, painting, filling holes, etc. - which anyone can do.

I think you have a really good point Nucky. I was just discussing with my DH how weird it is that loads of my female friends simply do not consider doing any DIY at all... In our house he does none and I do all, we have pre-schooler and am pregnant. I have lost count of the times my normally feminist friends say things like 'I have been asking and asking DH to put up that shelf/picture/paint that wall.' so much more satisfying to crack on and do it yourself!
i do think though that weirdly DIY is as a pp said still thought of as a man's job. Who knows why, apart from a few things maybe which need more strength (I need my DH to move furniture, but you don't need much strength to paint skirting boards... So boring!). Loads of girls aren't taught even the basics, and I have had really extraordinary comments, perfectly nicely meant, from both sexes, about how amazing it is that I can put up blinds etc

Maybe your wife was brought up with dad doing all and has just never had that view examined? Just say, I don't actually really enjoy doing it and can't do it on own any more and see what happens.

Also agree with pp that looking after kids is exhausting! I was so delighted frankly when DH took toddler both days this weekend so I could do long boring solitary DIY task, such bliss . He was EXHAUSTED haha.

Basically you have my sympathies but it seems you need to down tools and have a break until you can have a discussion about expectations for each of you. Do damp and electrics ( though wouldn't touch electrics myself, too scared) but you really don't need to paint the master bedroom or fit lamps you don't like?

Also this stage of life with small kids is just really challenging I think. Give yourselves a break.