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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up doing all this myself

74 replies

NuckyS · 07/09/2015 15:50

Married with 2 DCs and moved into a home which requires a lot of fixing up a few years ago.

I work FT and DW works PT; we split the household stuff 50:50 as much as we can accommodating work, except for one thing - the house requires a lot of DIY and decorating, and DW won't do any of this.

Since we bought the house I have completely remodelled and redecorated bedrooms, a living room, the dining room, the bathroom and am now taking on the garage, and DW has barely lifted a finger to help. She is not physically limited by anything and much of the work is basic stuff like painting, sanding, varnishing, wallpapering, so doesn't require an expert, but whenever any of this needs done I have to do it all myself.

I'm utterly fed up with this, especially since DW doesn't take any notice of my opinion of the decorating. For example, if she wants a particular kind light fitting, and I say I don't like it, she ignores me and orders it anyway, and then I'm expected to fit it.

OP posts:
TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 16:39

And where was your wife while this was happening? Was she there too? Or was she sitting somewhere else with her feet up?

Original poster
NuckyS · 07/09/2015 16:40

Hmmm well part of me thinks ok she doesn't like or want to do diy so doesn't, that's fine

I don't like doing laundry, or hoovering, or ironing, or the finances, or cleaning the windows, or etc., etc. but I do it anyway. It wouldn't be alright for me to drop things I don't like.

OP posts:
TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 07/09/2015 16:40

Ha ha ha at 3 and 4 yo not being a problem during DIY. I took 3yo DD to my sister's to help her paint her hall. In the space of 10 minutes DD tipped the tall stepladder onto her own head, tasted the paint, painted her own hands and tried to paint the radiator and cried when prevented. After that she and I were banished to the shop to buy biscuits.

Do you have someone else who would readily look after the kids while your DW helps paint etc?

ImperialBlether · 07/09/2015 16:41

Why don't you say, "I've got a better idea... let's take the DC to their grandparents and then we can BOTH get the decorating done!"

Original poster
NuckyS · 07/09/2015 16:42

Also, you know something about 3/4 year olds - they go to bed. What's to stop someone helping out at that point?

OP posts:
TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 07/09/2015 16:42

I do think she should help, but I think you have to be practical and admit that someone needs to keep the kids off the DIYing person.

rageagainsttheBIL · 07/09/2015 16:43

I think YABU to think your dc can just be left for hours while you both decorate!

Original poster
NuckyS · 07/09/2015 16:43

Why don't you say, "I've got a better idea... let's take the DC to their grandparents and then we can BOTH get the decorating done!"

Tried it! No go, I'm afraid (my parents aren't with us anymore).

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 07/09/2015 16:44

Yanbu to expect 50:50 division of labour, but yabu not to recognise childcare as labour. But in practical terms, if you feel you aren't up to the jobs, can you scale back what needs to be done? Or get people in to do it?

Original poster
NuckyS · 07/09/2015 16:44

I do think she should help, but I think you have to be practical and admit that someone needs to keep the kids off the DIYing person.

Surely the 'DIYing person' can be shared role, though?

OP posts:
TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 16:45

Can't judge without answers to my questions.

It really doesn't sound like you've had a proper conversation with your wife about this. Maybe ASK her why she doesn't want to help? instead of letting off steam on here

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 07/09/2015 16:45

admit that someone needs to keep the kids off the DIYing person.

which is why you take it in turns to be that person, "I have painted half the room, your turn"

Theycallmemellowjello · 07/09/2015 16:46

Well ok, if you feel it's unfair, have you told your wd how you feel? It may be that she reckons she is pulling her weight in other ways or whatever. You need to put across how you feel in a conversation. Not u for you to say that you want to look after the kids sometimes while she gets stuck into the DIY.

Original poster
NuckyS · 07/09/2015 16:46

yabu not to recognise childcare as labour.

Don't believe I said that at all, particularly since up to the point where I took my current job DW and I split childcare 60:40 (it involved my working compressed hours which are not compatible with my current job).

OP posts:
Original poster
NuckyS · 07/09/2015 16:50

It really doesn't sound like you've had a proper conversation with your wife about this. Maybe ASK her why she doesn't want to help? instead of letting off steam on here

Fair play, TenForward. I've tried, but get shut down or ignored every time. I was happy to go along to get along for a few years, and did get some satisfaction from building the house up, but had a hard time with bereavements, forced career change, money troubles, etc. recently, so don't feel so happy to take the whole load on my back anymore.

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 07/09/2015 16:50

I think as a mother of young children it's very natural to feel that your main focus is on looking after your DC, even when a DP is reasonably hands on with them too. Personally I think YAB a bit U as I haven't felt able to do DIY on top of raising my DC, whereas DH has done the odd bit occasionally.
Seems like you are falling into traditional roles a bit and maybe that's suiting DW more than you? She might well be doing a) as much as she can cope with and b) more than you realise

yorkshapudding · 07/09/2015 16:51

It's quite simple. A 3 and 4 year old can't be left unsupervised for any significant length of time. So, if at any point you have said to your DW "how about I look after the DC's or take them out somewhere so you can do some painting etc" or "let's take DC's to grandparents so we can both get on with some painting etc" and she has refused then YANBU. If, however, you are just expecting her to simultaneously decorate and look after two small children YABU. If you are expecting her to look after two small children alone all day, then spend the evenings doing DIY then I think that's also unreasonable unless you would be prepared to do the same.

LilacRain · 07/09/2015 16:53

Well I may be old-fashioned but I think of painting, sanding, varnishing etc as mens jobs and wouldn't have a clue where to start. Many women don't get involved with DIY/decorating, maybe that's how it is in your wife's family? Did you discuss the work and who was doing what before moving in? Does she know you expect her to take an active role? Maybe she assumed you would be doing it all yourself since she's looking after the kids. Or maybe she thinks it's your personal hobby/project and doesn't want to step on your toes.

If it's too much for you and your wife isn't keen/willing then maybe it's time to get professionals in.

Original poster
NuckyS · 07/09/2015 16:54

If you are expecting her to look after two small children alone all day, then spend the evenings doing DIY then I think that's also unreasonable unless you would be prepared to do the same.

I have done exactly that, multiple times.

OP posts:
TenForward82 · 07/09/2015 16:54

Then if you've genuinely tried to talk to her about it and she won't engage, there's not much help we can offer you here. Stop doing DIY if you resent doing it so much. Maybe she'll be forced to confront the issue if stuff isn't getting done.

I'd try and get across that it's really upsetting you and you won't to know her reasons. Maybe she doesn't feel it's a priority (what with looking after 2 young kids, your bereavements, forced career change, and money troubles). Maybe she feels it's "a man's job" (which would be out of line). Maybe she's too tired and thinks you've got a handle on it. Without a proper discussion you'll never know Sad

Original poster
NuckyS · 07/09/2015 16:56

If it's too much for you and your wife isn't keen/willing then maybe it's time to get professionals in.

Don't have the cash for that, I'm afraid.

Or maybe she thinks it's your personal hobby/project and doesn't want to step on your toes.

It's her childhood home, not mine.

OP posts:
TheImminentGin · 07/09/2015 16:58

*Hmmm well part of me thinks ok she doesn't like or want to do diy so doesn't, that's fine

I don't like doing laundry, or hoovering, or ironing, or the finances, or cleaning the windows, or etc., etc. but I do it anyway. It wouldn't be alright for me to drop things I don't like.*

The things you give as examples are necessities. Diy unless it's essential electricals or plumbing, isn't.

If your wife expects you to do it without any contribution then yes you may have grounds for feeling aggrieved.
Maybe you should just stop for a while.

DriverSurpriseMe · 07/09/2015 16:58

Is your wife a Mumsnetter? Are you hoping she recognises herself in this thread.

Venting is all well and good, but you're dismissing everyone who tries to defend your wife, and all advice. It really sounds as if you dislike and resent your wife quite a lot, in which case you have bigger problems than her refusal to do any DIY.

Original poster
NuckyS · 07/09/2015 16:59

Without a proper discussion you'll never know

That's the nail-on-the-head right there. We don't communicate very well, or at least not as well as we used to. Part of that is no doubt having DCs and being so tired all the time (we commute a lot as well), but we never seem to be able to communicate about the 'big' stuff (money, stress, etc.) without it degenerating to someone feeling like they're being blamed.

there's not much help we can offer you here.

Probably right, for now, although it has been interesting to hear some perspectives. Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:
DriverSurpriseMe · 07/09/2015 17:01

Missing question mark there, sorry!

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