3 DC in a box room, AIBU?

[Robinredtip]

Ex and I get on fine, 4 years post divorce. He rents a house with 3 bedrooms and has done since we divorced.

He has been with his new partner for 2 years, kids like her and they all get on well.

He called last night to say that he and partner are moving in together and would be telling the DC today (was nice of him to call beforehand).

I presumed she would be moving in with him, but he said that he is moving into her house (2 bed, one of which is a box room). I asked how that was going to work with the DC, he said it will be fine we'll work something out. I asked how they were all going to fit in a double room and he then said, "no they are going in the box room" .

DC have stayed there a few times and two of them sleep in a single bed (top and tail) and 1 of them sleeps on the floor in a sleeping bag.

He said I couldn't expect him and partner to take the box room. I left the conversation at this point and said well you'll have to discuss it with the DC. He thinks there will only be a problem if I "put it into their heads there is a problem"

AIBU to think that it's not OK? They sleep at his 2 nights a week and 2 weeks in the holidays. DD has just started her periods and should have a space of her own and a bed of her own.

[hibbleddible]

It is doable, but probably not the most comfortable.

Bunk beds in the box room for the girls, and a sofa bed in the lounge for the boy?

Then save up and do a lift extension??!

[fastdaytears]

If the door can not be opened when DC is on the floor, a double bed would not fit in. It would require a bed being in a room where the door can not be closed, which I am sure the OW would not be happy with.

Sorry to derail but are all new partners around here OW? The OP's divorce was 4 years ago and the new partner has been around for 2 years. Not sure it's fair to call her the OW is it?

[Gileswithachainsaw]

I would also question how the relationship between the ex and new Gf would survive a man moving in, altering everything to accommodate children in a house that's nit even "his"

this house has been hers the whole time and I can't see however loving and accommodating to the kids she may or may not he, it won't be easy fir her surely that half her furniture has been replaced and already limited space over run with kids stuff.

my bet would he eitger she's pissed at the entire thing herself or they honestly hope the kids stop coming.

there would be little difference to gutting your house and replacing furniture you worked hard to pay for and just moving to the boyfriends house instead.

[Artandco]

Still don't see the problem. Like I said we have 1 bedroom. Our 4 and 5 year old sleep on bunkbeds now next to our bed ( new thing).

Bunk beds in box room for older 2, 5 year old on mattress in his dads room. In 2 years ex would have saved a lot by not renting so can hopefully be in a more likely position to buy somewhere larger by saving rent and selling partners current house

Those saying a box room is full with a bed, dresser, wardrobe etc, well yes of course it is, that's a lot of stuff. A full dresser and wardrobe is a hell of a lot of stuff for a baby. Downscale the amount of stuff

They won't need that much stuff if staying only 2 days a week. That's just a few changes of clothes, pair of pjs maximum really clothes wise. A small basket each of small toys/ books on a shelf and its fine. Presumably they will all now have school at least some of the time at his also

[NoMoreRenting]

But Artandco, squeezing 4 people into a 1bedroom flat is far from ideal. You may be able to make it work in the short term but that doesn't mean it's perfectly ok. And 2 children age 4&5 in bunk beds is nothing like the same as a newly pubescent girl having to share a bed and a tiny space with her not much younger brother.
My older 2 would not have bathed together at 11&8. I don't know any children that would be happy to be forced into such an awkward situation.

[NoMoreRenting]

How does she dress for school? Is she allowed to hug the bathroom if she has cramps etc when everyone else inc a woman without children not used to sharing her home is trying to get ready and out in the morning.

[LadyShirazz]

When my mum and stepdad moved in together (5 children in their early teens, 3 bed house - unavoidable due to strained finances), they arranged for me to share with my stepsister (similar ages) and the three boys (two the same age and one a few years older) to share in the other bedroom.

The two older of the step-siblings just stopped coming - it's taken a decade for the family to "reconstruct", ifyswim.

In our case there wasn't much of a choice, but at the same time not a lot of communication between parents and kids about best ways to make it work etc, so everything just sort of fell by the wayside for the steps in terms of contact with their dad.

I can imagine your daughter will be the first to "drop out" of this arrangement (sharing with two boys when "on" - not ideal) - not impossible but if both families can communicate around it, it may not need to be all or nothing...?

Would be a massive faff, but maybe boys and girls could "rotate" in terms of visits...?

[TheHouseOnTheLane]

Law or not, who would think it reasonable for a girl approaching puberty to not have her own bed!?

[fastdaytears]

I don't think it's likely there will be no bed for her. My first thought was one of those single and double bunk beds with oldest on top. I see someone else described them a bit nether upthread.
I completely agree it will be a squish in a small room but it seems unlikely that OP's ExH is suggesting topping and tailing as a long term arrangement.

[Babyroobs]

Some friends of mine had 3 kids in a room barely biger than a box room for many years as they could never afford to move. It was only when their eldest dd hit 13 that they moved onto a sofa bed in the lounge to allow their dd to have their room.

[Babyroobs]

Just to add- perhaps his new partner doesn't want to give up the security of a secure tenancy to move in with him , especially if she her kids live with her full time.

[NoMoreRenting]

I think box room could be very variable. People are talking about those bunks with a double on the bottom but we grew up with a box room and it barely fitted one single bed in it. My brother had no furniture just shelves above his bed.

[Heelsdown]

I think that for 2 nights a week the adults should use a sofa bed in the lounge, and the 2 girls should have the double bedroom. Or, the 2 little ones share the double room.

I wouldn't leave 1 child downstairs, that would make bedtimes awkward.

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

It's not good, but I wouldn't expect ex and his partner to be in the box room. Is there somewhere else dc can keep their stuff? Wait and see how kids take it, if they're happy you may need to let it go for a while at least. If they're not its more worthwhile pushing it.

Are there future plans to sell her house and buy somewhere bigger? I'm assuming she doesn't have her own kids as you've not mentioned any, do you think she and ex will have any children together? These are things you'll only learn over time and by maintaining a good relationship with him unfortunately.

[BarbarianMum]

Ok, I see it differently. It makes sense that he and his girlfriend want to live together, yes? As his rental is coming to an end and as she owns her property, I think it makes sense that they try living together at her house.
If things go well, they can look at buying a bigger place together in a year or so. If not, he can find somewhere new to rent. Given that they don't know how they are going to get on, esp with the kids being there part time too, I think they are wise not to commit to buying or renting a place together just yet.

[poocatcherchampion]

Periods aren't actually the be all and end all. Plenty of women share rooms when thry have their period - including many teenage girls. It is not always a massive drama - just an every day part of life.

OP - I am hopeful from the way you have talked about your exh that his relationship with the children is such that they will come to some accommodation. I think it is likely that they will work with this plan for a short while and then move elsewhere in a year or two, when thry want more space and the children are all older.

[NoMoreRenting]

Not sharing a bed though and rarely sharing with s prepubescent brother. My 12yr old and 10yr old boys are starting to go through puberty together. Two pubescent teenagers of the opposite sex having to share s box room just isn't fair.

[19lottie82]

UK law? Pissing myself laughing here. Of course it isn't!

What would happen if you owned a 2 bed flat and had 2 kids, a boy and a girl? Would they be put into care? Or parents thrown in jail? [hmm

It's Guidelines for social housing only. That's it.

[Artandco]

No more- why isn't my children sharing with us ideal? Says who? It's a very very western ideal that everyone sleeps separately. In most of the world adults share one room wit children, parents, aunts, plus use hat one room for eating and everything. A one bed flat with separate living and kitchen diner is luxurious compared to most.
What would be the ideal world for them? A 3 bed house in the sticks where dh and I can't work due to time and commuting costs? Where they cry at having to sleep apart?
This is the most ridiculous thing I have heard

[19lottie82]

Situation isn't ideal but I don't see what you expect to happen if the flat is owned and they can't afford a larger place. And I doubt it's a long term plan. Perhaps a camp bed for the living room would be an idea for the eldest?

[19lottie82]

I don't think it's reasonable to expect the 2 adults to take a box room so the kids can stay there 2 nights a week.

And besides the term "box room" implies you wouldn't fit a double bed in there!

Bunks in the box room for the youngest and a sofa bed in the lounge for the eldest.

[Artandco]

Can they just buy a triple bunk also

[Thelushinthepub]

Art and co- that was me, and I said there was a fitted wardrobe- IE it doesn't take up any space in the room. Blimey if there were a wardrobe there wouldn't be room for a bed. Box rooms are tiny.

[Thelushinthepub]

It doesn't matter what most people In the world do, most people in the world are in poverty and I don't want to copy that either.

[StarlingMurmuration]

I bet most people throughout the world squeezing an entire family into two rooms would kill for a couple more bedrooms. Just because lots of families have to do it in poorer parts of the world, and lots of families had to do it in the past, doesn't mean it's ideal.