3 DC in a box room, AIBU?

[Robinredtip]

Ex and I get on fine, 4 years post divorce. He rents a house with 3 bedrooms and has done since we divorced.

He has been with his new partner for 2 years, kids like her and they all get on well.

He called last night to say that he and partner are moving in together and would be telling the DC today (was nice of him to call beforehand).

I presumed she would be moving in with him, but he said that he is moving into her house (2 bed, one of which is a box room). I asked how that was going to work with the DC, he said it will be fine we'll work something out. I asked how they were all going to fit in a double room and he then said, "no they are going in the box room" .

DC have stayed there a few times and two of them sleep in a single bed (top and tail) and 1 of them sleeps on the floor in a sleeping bag.

He said I couldn't expect him and partner to take the box room. I left the conversation at this point and said well you'll have to discuss it with the DC. He thinks there will only be a problem if I "put it into their heads there is a problem"

AIBU to think that it's not OK? They sleep at his 2 nights a week and 2 weeks in the holidays. DD has just started her periods and should have a space of her own and a bed of her own.

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

I really don't see why the parents can't have the box room. So a double bed will probably take up most of the floor space in there. That's the way it is. The double room, bunks for the younger two, a separate bed (perhaps with a curtain or room divider round for a bit of privacy) for the eldest, would work. Or they really need to look at moving together into a bigger place - the gf could rent out her house.

We have a 10yo and a nearly 8yo and are soon to have a new baby. We will have to move in the next couple of years as we do not see how the baby could share with the older two. We fully intend to give the older two the biggest room available and we will have the second smallest (the baby the smallest). Kids spend more time in their bedrooms than adults. They need the space more.

[TremoloGreen]

I can completely see why he would move out of the rented place into hers if she owns it.

Saying that, I don't think the sleeping arrangement sounds very good at all and I wouldn't be happy if I was your DD1. Bunk beds for the two girls and a day bed for DS in the living room might work for a while, but as he gets older, he will not feel comfortable not having his own space either. I wouldn't have wanted to sleep in a communal family area when I was going through the awkward puberty stage.

Perhaps though, XH and his DP are planning to move in together now and in a year or two, look to buy a bigger place together? That would make the most sense, especially if they might have more DC together. After all, if shes been affording this place on her own they can afford to. They might just want to see how it all goes first...Although I can see why they wouldn't necessarily make you party to all those plans.

Why don't you suggest the day bed thing for now, in the interests of your childrens development and also fire safety? Then see how it pans out. I would guess that your eldest will make up her own mind soon anyway.

[JawannaDrink]

There aren't any laws about bedrooms, don't be so daft.
People have got so precious about room sharing, its no time at all since entire families lived in one room,still do all over the world. I grew up knowing families of 5 or 8 or 13 children in a two or three bed house, perfectly happy and healthy.

If it bothers you that much suggest 2 boys in box room in bunks or top to tail, and dd can have couch.
Parenting and family life has little to do with where one sleeps. They don't need own rooms or lots of space, its a nice to have but not a necessity. And its not their actual residence anyway!

[JawannaDrink]

Sorry 2dds in bunks then D's in living room or in dad's room or whatever. He's only small.

[Robinredtip]

It's two girls and one boy. Boy is 8.

Yes ex and his DP know about periods as they took DC away in the summer.

He can afford to rent somewhere else. He runs his own business so is trying to build up enough accounts to get a mortgage in a few years (so this will be 2 years max I hope). I presume they have reached the point where they want to live together, which is understandable.

I'll see what the DC think when they come home tonight, they may not think it an issue?

No I don't think partner or ex will want to sleep on a sofa bed!

[JawannaDrink]

We all managed to have periods while sharing rooms and often beds with many sisters, in our large Irish families in small houses its not a new phenomenon.

[iamanintrovert]

I think in a year or two the older girl may not be willing to go over if she doesn't have her own bed.

[JeanSeberg]

It's a completely different situation though between having to make do with less space and being able to afford it but choosing not to.

He's being selfish, there's no reason he has to live with his partner at the expense of his children's comfort.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

I think of the plan is to get a bigger house after saving etc then least he could do is fully explain it to you and kids

at this point in would feel he is half hoping kids start not wanting to come and he gets to shack up with his GF hassle free.

[ratspeaker]

iamlioness you are so wrong.
In fact if you are claiming housing benefit you would be penalised if you didn't have children of same sex under 16 sharing a room. It is also expected that children under 10 share a room whatever their gender ( bedroom tax)

There may be ways for your eldest to get some privacy ie bunk beds with curtains fitted, changing in the bathroom. It will take some thought.

[BeautifulBatman]

FFS. Does anyone ever RTFT??? At least 682 pp's have corrected lioness about the law regarding ages and sharing rooms. Move on!

[SoupDragon]

FFS! Can no one fucking count? with only 62 posts it is clear that 682 people can't have corrected anything....

[BeautifulBatman]

Clearly sarcasm is not something you're comfy with Soup. Can we just agree that lioness doesn't need correcting anymore?

[Thelushinthepub]

Yanbu, 3 in a box room is clearly ridiculous and I like the idea of sharing. I am about to move my baby into our box room- she has a cot bed, a dresser and fitted wardrobe and as far as I'm concerned it's full. It won't do her past 3, let alone 3 older kids.

[WutheringTights]

I'll go against the flow here, but I think that if they're staying there two nights a week they each need their own bed (although not necessarily their own rooms). They're getting too big to sleep well if they're all crammed in topping and tailing/on the floor in sleeping bags, and their performance at school will suffer if they don't get enough sleep. Is daytime contact only an option, so that they still sleep at yours until your ex can provide them with a bed each?

[colley]

If the door can not be opened when DC is on the floor, a double bed would not fit in. It would require a bed being in a room where the door can not be closed, which I am sure the OW would not be happy with.

[Thelushinthepub]

It's likely the door can be re hung though, no biggie. That's not the problem the problem is it's too small for them.

[lunar1]

It doesn't really sound like he wants them staying anymore. How often does he have them? I can't see any reason to chose this living situation if you don't have to. And what the hell will happen if they decide to have another baby!

[nicecomfymat]

I think they should rent out her place and she should move in with him to his current three bed or similar property if he doesn't want to renew his tenancy. Many people have to squeeze kids in wherever they can because they have to. They're choosing not to give the kids adequate space and that's thoughtless/mean. obviously if you point that out it's not likely to go down well. Good luck.

[PurpleHairAndPearls]

Can't the five year old just have a little bed in the double room with parents? It's only two nights a week and two weeks in the holidays.

Sharing rooms/small spaces for DC isn't the worst. Lots and lots of people all over the world manage, it just takes some imagination and good planning eg for storage. We, as society, really are going to have reset our expectations in light of the housing crisis. It's similar to the phenomenon of a lot of young people refusing to move out of parents houses etc as they don't want to live in a "bedsit"

Having said that, any good parent will want their DC to be as comfortable as possible. We have always had more DC than bedrooms and over the years have used lots of combos, from DH and me sleeping on a lounge sofa bed, to the sharing DC having the biggest bedroom.

This is only a couple of nights and in hols, surely there is a solution. Little one in with dad, or dad and partner on a sofa bed in lounge, dividing screens/ truckle beds etc.

[ProcrastinatorGeneral]

Why should they be fair to the father when he's not being fair to his children. A box room is not suitable for three children to share. I don't give a damn about what has gone before historically in this country, and what goes on in other places, but right here and now those children expect to be able to sleep comfortably and their father has decided to screw them over for his own convenience. Nice bloke.

[PurpleHairAndPearls]

Oh and you can get folding doors for rooms so they don't encroach on floor space.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Surely all these "provisions" will serve no purpose but to make space even tighter and the expense surely outweighs most of the savings incurred by moving in together.

whole thing is bonkers

[ClashCityRocker]

5 year old or 8 year old in pull out bed in parents room.

Other two in bunk beds in box room.

Other than that, is there a dining room which can be converted?

Three in a box room sounds uncomfortable for all involved...and I would've hated the thought of sharing a bed with anyone when I was on at that age.