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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend time with these friends any more?

57 replies

MrsRossPoldark · 05/09/2015 22:45

Just come home from a bbq with a group of DHs old college friends. Over the years we have seen each other every couple of months and seen each other's kids grow up & listened to each other's lives.

I am now at the stage where I feel we have nothing in common with them any more. They are all rich, beautiful homes, lovely clever children, 3 holidays a year, fancy cars. We have been so left behind but I consider us comfortably off. We spent 2 wet weeks in Scotland as our only holiday this year & I felt this acutely tonight that they have no interest in hearing about our holiday when they can all exchange stories of drunken nights in San Francisco & how one couple can't wait to nip to Spain for a(nother) week away from children. Their kids are all fabulous skiers (we don't ski), they all regularly go on holidays together to which we have never been invited.

I feel I'm just there because I'm married to one of the college gang but even he has nothing in common with them any more.

AIBU to feel I'm just wasting my time making myself feel miserable, insignificant and unsuccessful and I should just stop meeting up with them? I left earlier than DH (came in separate cars as we'd both been to different places before the bbq.) saying I wanted to get DS3 to bed early as he is competing in an athletics event tomorrow (which is true), but in truth partly as I was so bored of listening to their fantastic lives and how dull we are.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/09/2015 22:51

They might not feel like that about you.

OwlinaTree · 05/09/2015 22:52

Does your husband still enjoy spending time with them?

Original poster
MrsRossPoldark · 05/09/2015 23:01

DH seems to enjoy their company & says he doesn't feel resentful that they have 3 holidays a year as he wouldn't want to anyway. I just feel that they find us boring as whenever I try to tell them some anecdote connected to the current conversation they ignore me and they have always done it better/faster/more often. I often feel I'm just there out of duty to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRossPoldark · 05/09/2015 23:04

They also spend so much time comparing pensions and how they plan to spend their (early) retirements when we have no pension provision at all & are looking forward to a state pension and have no savings at all. I'm just sick of feeling so jealous & think the only way to cope is just not to meet up any more.

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 05/09/2015 23:05

I think the most important thing is that YOU don't make yourself feel miserable, insignificant and unsuccessful and are happy with your own life. If you are feeling that way then I would question whether it's at least partly because you feel like your life is 'nothing' compared to theirs, when in actual fact holidays, fancy cars etc don't make someones life or determine how successful, significant or happy they are. If you're happy with your lot you'll be happy to listen to others who have a different life to you and be more enthusiastic when talking about what you do.

On the otherhand, they could be seriously annoying people who look down on others. Or they could be the kind who feel uncomfortable listening to others lives when theirs is different and it makes them awkward as they don't quite 'get it'

If it is truly that they are of the annoying variety than YANBU to not want to see them, but your husband may and that's important to consider. But, I still think that you need to be more comfortable with the life you have and not see yourself as lesser.

Yellowbird54321 · 05/09/2015 23:11

I would stop seeing them - life is too short Wink

Eminybob · 05/09/2015 23:13

I'm working class, comfortableish but not well off. Normal really. But one of my best friends is rich. She has several holidays a year, just bought a place abroad, never had to think about the money she is spending.

I've never ever felt that I have to try and keep up with her nor do I think she expects me to. We still see each other and have fun, but our lifestyles away from each other are vastly different.

It's not about the difference in your wealth, it's about your compatibility as friends and I think if you feel that you don't want to spend time with them and they bore you then they are just not destined to be your friends. That had nothing to do with how wealthy they are.

Original poster
MrsRossPoldark · 05/09/2015 23:18

They aren't the least offensive & are very funny once they get going but I don't feel as if I am at all involved in their lives so why do I need to sit & listen to them exchanging stories of weekends in Spain and parties on houseboats that we are never asked to anyway - like yellowbird says.

If I have a few drinks I'm happy just to listen & laugh but when sober (as I was tonight as I was driving home) it just makes me feel bad. I know they don't intend to make me feel small but they all have the same interests which just aren't ours (I include DH in this ).

OP posts:
UrbaneFox · 05/09/2015 23:27

Don't arrange anything, but don't go out of your way to let them know that you're backing away from them.

I think wealth does get in the way of friendships. I've had better off friends tell me that such and such was really good value, only £100! or that a certain hotel was great value, at only £90 inc breakfast! they don't understand, that it might have been a bargain (relatively) but I still couldn't afford it because I literally couldn't afford a treat that big without oing without something else!

maddening · 05/09/2015 23:30

It's you not them, unless they sneer and are unpleasant about you and your life? But if you don't want to spend time with them don't but this is about your insecurities if they are generally pleasant to you.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 05/09/2015 23:34

I guess it's purely just lifestyle differences then and you feeling not involved, feeling like you don't fit in, because they have so much in common and do things together, rather than it wholly being about it making you feel rubbish in the sense you've mentioned.

Maybe distance a bit. But if it truly is a lifestyle thing it normally naturally comes to an end anyway. The fact that it hasn't so far and they still invite you both suggests that they aren't bothered about lifestyle differences, just maybe they don't realise it makes you uncomfortable because it doesn't bother them?

What does your husband think?

maggieryan · 05/09/2015 23:51

They sound like a pack of bores to me. Painful!!

Hellochicken · 06/09/2015 00:02

Try and talk about other things? They do sound a bit boring. However I'd just stick it out if DH enjoys their company.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/09/2015 00:03

You don't have to see them, dh can see them on his own, they are his friends not yours.

KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 06/09/2015 00:09

I agree it's you not them. It just sounds like jealousy.

Celerysoup3 · 06/09/2015 00:22

I have friends who holiday three times a year and have different horsey hobbies, good pensions and huge houses. However we get on well and I feel valued. They want to hear about me and I want to hear about them. I don't feel jealous of the house, it's not my ideal and I HATE hot weather.

Fatmomma99 · 06/09/2015 00:35

From your OP, it sounds like you don't have that much commonality to start with, so for you it's "what's the point".
It might be different for your DH.

Or he might feel as left out as you do, so the first thing you need to do is have a proper talk to your partner, and then you can decide where to go from there.

Good luck!

RachelZoe · 06/09/2015 01:04

They sound insufferable, back away. It's very gauche to talk about things like your finances among friends, seriously, it's naff. Talking about flashy things like that is beyond the pale in terms of basic manners. I'm going to sound like a twat now but DH and I are very wealthy, their behavior is not a "rich" thing it's a tacky thing, I would cringe if the whole conversation was pensions and holidays and shopping, it's rude and they sound trashy as hell.

Also there is nothing more wanky than people who sit around talking about skiing IMO Grin, so.fucking.dull.

FixItUpChappie · 06/09/2015 04:21

You are taking yourself too seriously IMO - you've indicated they are nice and funny and your husbands old friends.....it sounds like your own attitude that make it so unpleasant. So your not kindred spirits - who cares? I'd see them for my husbands sake and try to eek out a pleasant evening for myself. Do you think they pick up on your discomfort/disdain? - that is a conversation killer right there.

Do your children play together?

TheHouseOnTheLane · 06/09/2015 04:24

Everything Rachel says....very icky indeed. I think they all sound dreadful! Not surprised you don't like being with them.

I have a variety of friends...some very well off and some not so well off but NONE of them would discuss their pensions! Holidays are best admired on Facebook and left there..we discuss interesting things...shared hobbies and art or music.

JeffsanArsehole · 06/09/2015 07:07

Are they all in the same industry as you and your husband? Just further along their career path?

If it's all different careers how are they all so wealthy and you're not?

I guess I'm asking if they're definitely wealthier than you or if they're just 'flash'? You know, living on credit, waiting for the next big thing etc

Bullshitbingo · 06/09/2015 08:11

I have a similar situation op. My dh has a lot of school friends who are quite 'posh' and are already better off than us. They live in better areas of London, more expensive houses, holidays etc. sometimes I get a little attack of the green eyed monster , just because they have such lovely things, it's hard not to wish we had them too.
But. We don't see them that often and it suits me, they're nice, but we have a lot less in common with them than with other friends. Just distance a little bit, find a few excuses so you only see them a couple of times a year to be polite. Your dh can still go if he chooses. I think you'll be happier and hopefully won't mind so much if it's only now and then?

grapejuicerocks · 06/09/2015 08:19

I think you need to suck it up occasionally for your dh's sake. If he wants it more regularly, then make excuses for yourself and let him go on his own.

cailindana · 06/09/2015 08:19

Maybe you have very little in common with them, or you don't get on with them, which is nobody's fault. You aren't required to be friends with anyone. But resenting them and believing they think badly of you (in spite of zero evidence) just because they have more money than you is incredibly childish. You are the one who's making an issue of it, not them.
Perhaps your DH should go alone from now on.

Being around people who are jealous of you for some reason is tiresome.

timeforabrewnow · 06/09/2015 08:33

cailindana are you one of the friends?

Just asking.

I don't agree that the OP is 'incredibly childish'.

More in agreement with the comments from RachelZoe - the friends sound rather materialistic and boring. And I would be asking myself why my DH was such good friends with them...