To not want to spend time with these friends any more?

[MrsRossPoldark]

Just come home from a bbq with a group of DHs old college friends. Over the years we have seen each other every couple of months and seen each other's kids grow up & listened to each other's lives.

I am now at the stage where I feel we have nothing in common with them any more. They are all rich, beautiful homes, lovely clever children, 3 holidays a year, fancy cars. We have been so left behind but I consider us comfortably off. We spent 2 wet weeks in Scotland as our only holiday this year & I felt this acutely tonight that they have no interest in hearing about our holiday when they can all exchange stories of drunken nights in San Francisco & how one couple can't wait to nip to Spain for a(nother) week away from children. Their kids are all fabulous skiers (we don't ski), they all regularly go on holidays together to which we have never been invited.

I feel I'm just there because I'm married to one of the college gang but even he has nothing in common with them any more.

AIBU to feel I'm just wasting my time making myself feel miserable, insignificant and unsuccessful and I should just stop meeting up with them? I left earlier than DH (came in separate cars as we'd both been to different places before the bbq.) saying I wanted to get DS3 to bed early as he is competing in an athletics event tomorrow (which is true), but in truth partly as I was so bored of listening to their fantastic lives and how dull we are.

Well it sounds like the op tries to join the conversation but they don't want to listen.
Op did you mention today's tournament? Did they ask any questions or indicate they were interested?
It also sounds like the children are beyond the 'playing together' stage :o

No I'm not kne of the friends, but I have had 'friends' who've envied things I have and I've envied other people. IMO envy is a toxic emotion that you should feel and let go of. Envying other people is such a waste of energy.

Maybe they're boring people, in which case there's no point in the OP hanging out with them. But she said she was making herself feel 'Miserable, insignificant and unsuccessful' - that is not their fault. A 'friend' using your good fortune as a stick to beat themselves with is highly irritating.

A night out where they talk about pensions and ski-ing. That sounds like the pits. I would avoid them.

they sound lame
my schoolfriends are more financially successful than me - although the fact that they are all childless obviously helps in that respect, as they live in (beautiful, expensive) small flats, and have fewer drains on their incomes.

I ask them about their wine tasting tours of California and what sell-out theatre they've seen recently. They ask me how DD1's getting on at brass band and whether DD2 is still mooning on a daily basis. We don;t have much in common but we care about each other. That's how friendship works.

I think the comments from RachelZoe and others are totally unfair. The friends haven't actually done anything wrong, it's the op feeling insignificant or something around them. No reason at all to call them gauche, awful etc.

Op, it wouldn't be fair to expect your husband to not see his friends because you don't like that they have more than you. You sound jealous (nothing wrong with that) but don't let your jealously dictate your husbands friendships. Perhaps you shouldn't go to every gathering, give yourself a break from his friends?

I'd send DH to the next meet up and find something else to do by yourself. It sounds as though you just need a break and some time apart.

I think they sound a bit egocentric, not enquiring about you and not being interested in what makes you tick. Very boring people.

But it also says something about you, perhaps knowing you want more out of life and not being happy with your lot. This is absolutely fine, by the way, and a good way of moving yourself and your family along, as long as you aren't miserable.

And two wet weeks in Scotland would make anyone except Prince Charles wonder what they were doing, frankly . I am sure if there had been a heatwave and you had simultaneously discovered the meaning of life up there you would be a bit happier about all of this.

I think the comments from RachelZoe and others are totally unfair. The friends haven't actually done anything wrong

Well, apart from ignoring one of the guests at the gathering when she tries to join in...

This is the kind of thing I teach my 5 year old.

Do people not chat about holiday and finances with their friends. Maybe I am dull.

I think it sounds like your problem, not them.

Did people read the ops post of 23.01?

Years ago in the eighties I was just getting married and I remember all my friends and some relatives just constantly talked about their endowment mortgages , how they would retire by 40, how they would live off their endowment payout, retirement fund , property etc . It was boring shallow talk "loadsamoney" talk. Thirty years later lots of those couples have divorced , lots of endowments never paid off their properties, lots of retirement funds turned out to be pitiful amounts . We can never tell what happens in the future and life will get better for you but it may be stable for you instead of having it all now and having to keep up with the "Jones". (Be thankful your not under that pressure).

You've said you don't have anything in common, but it's odd in that case that you meet up with them so often (every few months is quite often for this sort of friendship in my book). What you seem to mean is that they have a different income and therefore lifestyle and you can't get past feeling resentful about that. What's been going on in your own life in the past few years that's prompted this?

Nothing wrong with your dh going alone to socialise with his friends, and you do something else. Every 2 months witheople you are not keen on us waaaaay to much, once or twice a year fine. No send hubby off by himself, don't think they will miss you from the sounds of it.

Hmmm thought-provoking thread!

I'm aware that, of my five "best" friends (now scattered in different parts of the country or abroad), I perhaps have done the most "conventionally" well out of them. Back then (this was in our early twenties, not long after we'd all finished uni), I chose to pursue a "professional" career (starting "low" - as you do - but progressing since), while most of them dedicated themselves to maybe more artistic pursuits.

I guess it's only now (ten years on) that the outcomes of those choices are leading to differences in terms of what we now earn or lifestyles we live, but not necessarily our overall levels of happiness or personal fulfillment.

I am by no means as wealthy as DH's friends (I wish!), but reasonably comfortable - married OH (fellow professional) and were able to buy a flat (admittedly with grandmother's inheritance for deposit, and we do have lodger to "boost" our saving / spending potential), maybe have a holiday once a year and one weekend get-away. By contrast, my friends couldn't even think of buying right now, are maybe on a third of what I earn (am guessing), and really have to watch the pennies.

Makes no difference whatsoever to our friendships! I can't imagine anything more boring than getting together and talk about finances and mortgages - we talk about our lives and loves etc, and a lot about happy memories of the past. If we talk about work, it's about what we're doing and the various trials and tribulations of each line of work - not what we earn. I am interested in them and what they are doing, and I've never detected any envy - in fact I'd be really upset if there were...

I would be lying if I said I wasn't conscious of a difference in readily available income, and maybe suggestions I'd make for what to do when we meet up would be with that in mind, or there would be certain things (holidays etc) that I wouldn't necessarily bring up or certainly not bang on about when asked... We all crash at each others' places still, and probably if they stayed here I'd stump for a take-away or meal - while offering to pay if we did the same at theirs (hope that's not coming over as patronising).

I would be really upset if I'd ever - inadvertently or otherwise - made them feel anything like these people made you feel OP. They sound pretty boring to me as well!

I wouldn't go on and on about holidays that someone present couldn't afford. I think life is too short to go on listening to that if you don't feel like it. They also treat you like a hanger-on by never inviting you to anything else.

Sounds like they might be stuck in a bit of a rut with these get-togethers - the pensions'n' skiing stuff works ok for the rest of them, maybe topics you (and I!) would find a lot more stimulating mightbe 'difficult'. I must admit I think I must be a bit antisocial as this kind of stuff palls even when I have my own latest cupboard fron Ikea or whatever to toss into the mix.
But if its stuff they all do and you don't, I think I'd end up with that kind of 'empty social calories' feeling even more, so I don't think you abu.

Also, I do feel its a bit insensitive of them to inbite you then go on about things they know you can't afford. I'm moderately well off and do try to consider the income of people im talking to because i don't want them to feel like these friends are making you feel

Tbh if they are your DH's old friends, what can you do? You can't really stop him being friends with them. It's not uncommon to feel a bit like a spare part when you go to social gatherings as a spouse - so long as you don't have to see them so often and your dh is willing to see your friends too, I think the best thing to do is got your teeth when you have to see these people and cultivate other friendships that you do value.

I think, from the replies and reading between all the lines, that IABU - over-sensitive. I do see one couple on my own every now and again and they are terrific fun to be with [very eccentric, which appeals to me as I am considered a bit eccentric myself sometimes!] - we both have dogs so we have doggy-playdates every so often!

I'm a bit unsettled right now, but since he gets on with them anyway, maybe I just need to not go every now and again. I don't have to go every time.

In response to the question of children playing together - they're all pretty much teens now - all the other couples' kids holiday and party together, but ours have never been invited, nor do they show any signs of wanting to, which I find a little insulting but at the end of the day, the kids have nothing in common with them either. Theirs are ski-ers and footballers, where mine are athletes and musicians!

why are you not invited to their events/outings ? have you or your husband ever asked about this ? I would feel humiliated if I was involved with a circle but was regularly left out of plans. I would feel they weren't bothered with me so why would I want to have them in my life. as another poster said, life is too short. do what makes you happy.

well i would go only because your dh wants to go. otherwise i wouldn't bother. and if you go, make sure you can at least have a drink. but spending time with people who make you feel crap - doesn't matter if it's intentional or not - is just not worth it.

If it makes you feel any better my last four holidays have been wet fortnights in Scotland! I do get what you mean, I have friends who probably unintentionally do this. I wouldn't feel bad about not seeing them for a bit.

life is too short to spend with people that make you feel shit about yourself

they are your DH friends, cant he see them without you? i.e. have evening drinks and meals?

FWIW I don't think its about them being rich, some rich people are charming, gracious and make others feel comfortable

they just sound like they all have a group-ego-wank thing going on

its also worth exploring and owning why they make you feel shit about yourself

It's the classic scenario of relativity- if you surround yourself with people Fr better off than you, then you are bound to feel like a pauper in comparison. Whereas if your circle of friends were all worse off than you financially, you would feel wealthy and very fortunate.

Actually, I think it's mean that they all seem to go on holiday together and exclude you and your DH every time. Perhaps they assume (correctly) that you couldn't afford it and would decline, but it's still nice to be asked.

Lots of differences of opinion on this thread though. I'm really interested in travel and holidays, even though we choose very tame holidays with two young DC, but I love to live vicariously by hearing all about the travels of friends and seeing their photos. Also, I don't see a problem with discussing pensions, recommendations to friends etc, as long as it isn't stealth boasting.

Ultimately, I would avoid spending too much time with them, and instead increase your circle of friends. Spending more time with poorer people will make you feel a lot better about your lot.

well, I am very much of the ethos life is too short

if you don't enjoy this sort of socialising, then don't do it