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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say stop or I'm gone?

83 replies

Voovinnie · 05/09/2015 22:29

Hi ladies,

I've been with my DP for just over a year now, and he's absolutely fab, and we're very much in love, but the sex? It's nonexistent.

For the last 3 months, I get lucky about 2 times per month (with me initiating everything). We moved very seriously quite fast, and it's seems as if we have indeed been together for 10 years (and that's not just because of the lack of sex lol). Within 6 months, I moved in because I had to move out of my family residence due to immediate family issues, and it suited as lovely to just have our place together.

There's never really any arguments, he is fantastically caring and my family love him to bits. My issue is the sex, and it's got to the point where I'll turn over and sob myself to sleep sometimes.

One thing to mention is that I'm aware he watches porn frequently, which I know is having a huge impact. But in saying that, a friend of mine says her partner of 5 years doesn't stop watching it yet is on her like a rash every night?!

I feel so unwanted and unattractive, despite compliments from others. Before now, it was usually 2/3 times a week of fulfilling, and I was happy with that number (even though I could have sex every night if the opportunity presented itself).
I cannot see how things have just become all too familiar because I'm adventurous in bed and willing to try anything!

I've tried speaking to my partner about this, and he just says he does get aroused but just can't be bothered when it comes to it. I suggested perhaps that he should stop watching his porn and he said "I'll try" (he didn't).

He isn't under any significant stress at the moment for him to lose his mojo, and he works half the hours I do. I know there isn't anyone else, because not only do we share phones/iPad know all each others passcodes etc, I'm either doing Family related things with him or he's working (never late, always on time and smelling of his working conditions).

Last night I had enough and was prepared to just solely give him oral, I done this spontaneously and 5 minutes in he said "You had enough yet babe?" I was shocked and hurt, but again, tried not to show it too much.

I would perhaps be more understanding if he was older, because men's drives can really go down, but he is 21 and I just feel so sad that a young couple such as ourselves has such a lack of sex.

2 weeks ago I had MC (we weren't aware I was pregnant), and he was wonderfully supportive and really emotionally sad and there for me, but he honestly couldn't see what the fuss was about (he didn't say that, but I knew quite clearly that he didn't understand). It's safe to say the MC didn't affect him one bit, which is fine, but I know my partner and I know if something is wrong so I can hand on heart say there aren't any 'unresolved feelings' towards it. I would say that perhaps the MC had something to do with lack of sex but it's only been 2 weeks since I lost my baby and this has been going on for 3 months.

AIBU to sit him down and say enough is enough, you need to either stop with the porn and make more of a sexual effort or I just can't do it anymore?
The thought of leaving him makes my heart come into my mouth but I just can't live like this anymore. I wanted to ask opinions because I know sex is an extremely sensitive topic to bring up and I don't want to startle him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Voovinnie · 05/09/2015 22:33

Sorry, forgot to add that it's a big red alarm when partners don't touch/cuddle and kiss you anymore not that isn't the case, he adores doing that.

I sometimes find that he brushes me and I'm suddenly really aroused, or he kisses me and I try to make it into something more but it's always a no :(

OP posts:
laureywilliams · 05/09/2015 22:40

So is he wanking off to porn? Or is his sex drive low?

I don't think ywbu to leave him over this (relatively new relationship, no kids - why would you stay?) but might be worth discussing with him how you feel first?

AyeAmarok · 05/09/2015 22:40

I agree with you that the porn is probably the problem.

But he doesn't want to fix it. He's happy as he is, pleasing himself without having to make any effort to please you. Your needs and wants are much further down his list of priorities.

He won't stop if you tell him to. You've already asked, if you force the issue he'll just do it anyway.

I'd just walk away. Life's too short. Your self-esteem is taking a battering and you're too young for that.

Original poster
Voovinnie · 05/09/2015 22:42

Okay, so it's not worth talking to him and being mor stern this time/painting things in black and white?

It's a perfectly contented relationship, minus the sex issue :(

OP posts:
WilsonWilsonWoman · 05/09/2015 22:44

Agree with AyeAmarok be strong, walk away. big hugs.

IMurderedStampyLongnose · 05/09/2015 22:44

Just leave,now.Before you get to ten years down the line and have had sex ten times in those ten years.Seriously,cut your losses and run.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 05/09/2015 22:44

Maybe he's not broken but maybe you're just mismatched in sexual appetites. Given that he's young and it's a relatively new relationship, I do wonder whether you'd be better off apart. Before splitting though it's got to be worth you telling him how you're feeling and asking what's going on (or not) for him.

OTheHugeManatee · 05/09/2015 22:48

He's 21. I assume you're the same age? He should be like the Duracell Bunny Confused

Walk away. Whatever he's getting from the relationship, he doesn't desire you and that's soul destroying in the long term.

coveredinsnot · 05/09/2015 22:50

I think you need to ask him if he is actually sexually attracted to you or not. It sounds like he got bored when you gave him a blow job....? Quite strange!

It may also be that you are too available and too keen which can be a real turn off for some people. Perhaps try pretending to be less interested? I know when things have got out of balance with my dh that I found it really smothering and off putting that he was always so keen - a hug or a kiss felt like an opportunity for him and further rejection from me and it got very depressing. I like the thrill of the chase and to initiate things myself and he was depriving me of that. Once we worked that out things improved.

I'd say talk to him about it, try to figure out what's wrong. If he can't or won't talk or isn't willing to try to make things better, then you will need to end it unfortunately as the way things are sound miserable.

Original poster
Voovinnie · 05/09/2015 22:54

Thank you all for the advice. I only initiate things a few times a week and I'm usually just not bothering, hopelessly thinking he'll find my prudeness sexy lol.

I think walking away is quite hard because everything else seems very perfect but I know it won't be for much longer because the resentment will ruin it all.

OP posts:
maras2 · 05/09/2015 23:01

Holy shit ! If my DH had said that to me when his prick was in my mouth I'd have bitten it off Angry What a pig ! And stop with the ' Cool Girfriend ' with his porn habbit.Not all men use porn,it's a myth perpetuated by men and their 'Cool partners'.If you sob yourself to sleep after that a year into your relationship it's not good is it.I think that you should ditch this loser now.Good luck.

laureywilliams · 05/09/2015 23:03

Really? Everything is perfect? What you've described sounds so selfish it's hard to imagine. And communication doesn't sound ideal either...

daiseehope · 05/09/2015 23:04

He sounds a bit distanced from everything, emotionally ( the mc and sex). Both are awful and I'm so sorry about your mc and hope that you're okay? Does he smoke dope? That can do that. If not, are his family emotionally bound up (maybe he is). Whatever you needneed to straight out ask him. I cringed when you wrote what he said to you after the bj. Surely he would realise that would hurt your feelings? Xx

Morganly · 05/09/2015 23:08

Give it up, sweetheart, this is utterly ridiculous. A guy of 21 who doesn't want sex? Everything else is perfect? No fucking way. This guy has major problems, probably from overuse of porn and wanking. Don't waste your time on discussions and trying to fix him, run away. The world is full of men who like having sex with real women like you.

lotsoffunandgames · 05/09/2015 23:15

It does sound odd. A young man not wanting sex, or even a blow job whilst it's happening!

It is affecting your self esteem and will knock your confidence. You have to decide if you are happy to have a sexless relationship because if he is like this after a year it will only get worse.
Have a proper chat, uncomfortable as it may be and tell him like it is. If he doesn't make changes and make an effort then you should go for your own sake and find someone who cares about how you feel.
Are you sure he is not depressed or I don't know-addicted to porn! That needs to go. Maybe think about plan b, where you would go if you had to?

BiscuitMillionaire · 05/09/2015 23:16

Or he's gay.

Junosmum · 05/09/2015 23:18

I'm going to say I'm not convinced the porn is the problem OH and I have been together 10years, he watches porn several times per week and wanks off to it but is almost always up for sex. I have a much lower sex drive than him but if I wanted it as much as he did he'd still watch porn, it's a different thing for him.

It may be that your OH can't get aroused without the porn, which is an issue. A short term measure could be watching it together?

Purplepoodle · 05/09/2015 23:18

if it's only the last three months I would sit him down and ask him what's changed. I would explain its a deal breaker and you can't cope with constantly being rejected for sex.

fabuLou · 05/09/2015 23:21

First thing I thought was hes gay, sorry. Ive been worh dh 16 years, 4 dcs and your sex life is more in line with ours and dh would do it a LOT more. Im abot 3/4 stone heavier too. If he wont try, leave.

Purplepoodle · 05/09/2015 23:23

you know what, if it's a good relationship except sex, I'd try relate counselling

IPityThePontipines · 05/09/2015 23:26

Go, go, go.

This won't get any better.

He's not putting in any effort to make it better.

If he really cared for you, he would 1) Try to improve intimacy between you, or, 2) Be honest about not wanting sex much and let you go.

Do not waste anymore of your precious, finite life on him.

WildStallions · 05/09/2015 23:27

I too wonder if he's gay. Do you know what porn he watches? IE is it gay or straight?

yorkshapudding · 05/09/2015 23:32

I wouldn't be giving ultimatums personally. I understand your frustration but I don't think it will get the result you want. You want him to want you, not to grudgingly submit to having sex with you because he's scared you'll leave him.

Maybe it is the porn, but maybe it isnt. We tend to assume that all men (especially young men) want sex and if they don't it has to be 'too much porn or too much wanking' and dismiss the possibility that it could be something deeper. It could be that he's anxious about his performance. He could have a kink that he's not sharing with you. He could have body image issues. He could be depressed or stressed out. He could have experienced childhood sexual abuse. It could be that his heart just isn't in the relationship. If you can take the focus off sex for now and focus on improving communication then you have a much better chance of getting to the bottom of what's really going on here.

Of course, if you decide that you would rather call it a day then that's understandable.. you're both very young and it's a relatively new relationship. It depends how invested you are. If youre picturing a future with this man you need to start having some honest and potentially uncomfortable conversations to eatblish whether he is as committed as you and whether he actually wants things to change.

TheCatsFlaps · 06/09/2015 00:14

YABU. First, if the situation was reversed with him pestering YOU for sex, I doubt you would be amused and there would be screams of LTB from all corners (rightly so, too). Second, it doesn't sound like you've made a proper effort into finding out what's changed with him, as yorkshapudding has said, there could be a host of explanations for what is going on. I think your own insecurities are plain to see here, and it's nothing that some frank and open discussion wouldn't solve.

horsewalksintoabar · 06/09/2015 00:43

I think it's the porn. It really desensitizes men. At his age, 21, he probably has wanked to more porn than he's actually had physical sex with real women. And the two are totally different. So in effect, reality doesn't turn him on and he doesn't need it. And this situation won't improve for you, I'm afraid, unless he wants to change this and get help.

An ultimatum will be a nail in the coffin, so don't do that. Don't become a nagging mother figure, whatever you do. I think you deserve to experience great, healthy sex. All adults do! It's a vital part of our lives. The 20s is the decade for that. Don't waste your time on a dud. Good Lord, you don't want to be living like a middle aged couple now!