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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say stop or I'm gone?

83 replies

Voovinnie · 05/09/2015 22:29

Hi ladies,

I've been with my DP for just over a year now, and he's absolutely fab, and we're very much in love, but the sex? It's nonexistent.

For the last 3 months, I get lucky about 2 times per month (with me initiating everything). We moved very seriously quite fast, and it's seems as if we have indeed been together for 10 years (and that's not just because of the lack of sex lol). Within 6 months, I moved in because I had to move out of my family residence due to immediate family issues, and it suited as lovely to just have our place together.

There's never really any arguments, he is fantastically caring and my family love him to bits. My issue is the sex, and it's got to the point where I'll turn over and sob myself to sleep sometimes.

One thing to mention is that I'm aware he watches porn frequently, which I know is having a huge impact. But in saying that, a friend of mine says her partner of 5 years doesn't stop watching it yet is on her like a rash every night?!

I feel so unwanted and unattractive, despite compliments from others. Before now, it was usually 2/3 times a week of fulfilling, and I was happy with that number (even though I could have sex every night if the opportunity presented itself).
I cannot see how things have just become all too familiar because I'm adventurous in bed and willing to try anything!

I've tried speaking to my partner about this, and he just says he does get aroused but just can't be bothered when it comes to it. I suggested perhaps that he should stop watching his porn and he said "I'll try" (he didn't).

He isn't under any significant stress at the moment for him to lose his mojo, and he works half the hours I do. I know there isn't anyone else, because not only do we share phones/iPad know all each others passcodes etc, I'm either doing Family related things with him or he's working (never late, always on time and smelling of his working conditions).

Last night I had enough and was prepared to just solely give him oral, I done this spontaneously and 5 minutes in he said "You had enough yet babe?" I was shocked and hurt, but again, tried not to show it too much.

I would perhaps be more understanding if he was older, because men's drives can really go down, but he is 21 and I just feel so sad that a young couple such as ourselves has such a lack of sex.

2 weeks ago I had MC (we weren't aware I was pregnant), and he was wonderfully supportive and really emotionally sad and there for me, but he honestly couldn't see what the fuss was about (he didn't say that, but I knew quite clearly that he didn't understand). It's safe to say the MC didn't affect him one bit, which is fine, but I know my partner and I know if something is wrong so I can hand on heart say there aren't any 'unresolved feelings' towards it. I would say that perhaps the MC had something to do with lack of sex but it's only been 2 weeks since I lost my baby and this has been going on for 3 months.

AIBU to sit him down and say enough is enough, you need to either stop with the porn and make more of a sexual effort or I just can't do it anymore?
The thought of leaving him makes my heart come into my mouth but I just can't live like this anymore. I wanted to ask opinions because I know sex is an extremely sensitive topic to bring up and I don't want to startle him.

OP posts:
Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 06/09/2015 00:52

You sound so sad about it op.

I'm in the same boat as junosmum and have a much lower (non existent?) sex drive than my husband so he uses porn in between. I know my husband prefers me, so it's not a problem.. I can't understand why your partner wasn't overjoyed with the lovely BJ you gave him... Doesn't make sense to me at all.

I would feel so rejected in your position, and nervous about the future. I'd probably look to get out and do better tbh.

MaddyinaPaddy · 06/09/2015 00:53

On your thread last week you said you bad been with your dp for 2 years?

Baconyum · 06/09/2015 01:01

A few things I'm thinking

You're very young to be in such a serious relationship

Mc does affect men but they're notoriously crap at facing that.

That it's been the case for a while indicates maybe he's just lost interest?

Also a possibility that he's gay.

I'm sorry but I disagree that porn is automatically the cause unless he's into something unusual. Lots of guys watch porn and it generally doesn't reduce sex drive.

Fatmomma99 · 06/09/2015 01:02

Like biscuit and stallion, I also wondered if he was gay.

Reading the thread, I think most of the posters are prob older than you. I say that because when I was in my early twenties, sex was so, so, so important (including things like me being short-tempered and snappy, and friends who knew me well would say things like "has it been a few days without sex?" and it often was!).
I'm now in my mid-40s, and I don't feel the same way or have the same needs.

Your post is sad because (to me) your DP isn't acknowledging YOUR needs. So however great he is in all other points in your life, do you really want to be with someone who doesn't understand what's important to you?

I think you need to think about what's important to you, and no matter whether that is important or not, how it is to have a partner who isn't bothered about what matters to you.

Is that it?

SolidGoldBrass · 06/09/2015 01:03

I wonder if he feels a bit smothered or railroaded. You moved in with him after only knowing him six months, because you needed somewhere to live in a hurry - he might not have liked the idea but felt unable to say so. Most people of 21 with any sense are in no rush to move in with a partner. He could be feeling resentful, even if he doesn't fully understand that he is.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 06/09/2015 01:07

I was 19 when I met my husband, 21 when we married. We are still together 11 years later, so I wouldn't write your relationship off as too young

But it's still worrying that he doesn't WANT you. I'm sure someone else would be thrilled to satisfy your sex drive :)

NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/09/2015 01:08

You cannot coerce people for sex.

That is abusive. If he doesn't wish to have sex with you amd you are not happy with that then you leave. You don't pressure you don't coerce and you don't threaten

CatMilkMan · 06/09/2015 01:09

A Young Man can't get an erection? He is either gay or cheating. - mumsnet

Congratulations on the massive about of judgement and stigma you are happy to throw around when it is against men.

WishIWasWonderwoman · 06/09/2015 01:15

It's unfortunate that you have mismatched sex drives.

The ultimate truth though is that you cannot make him have sex with you. Such an action would be utterly wrong.

If you have talked everything over with him previously and he has decided it's not worth doing anything about (and you don't think his position will change) then you are left with two choices:

a) accept the relationship for what it is and continue on
b) split up with him

Considering that you are only twenty one, you have not been together all that long and this is making you deeply unhappy I would very seriously think about option b.

You can have a serous talk and issue the ultimatum to stop watching or you're out, but the truth is that I don't think it will work or change anything, especially if it hasn't in the past.

MaddyinaPaddy · 06/09/2015 01:54

The op is only 17

AnotherTimeMaybe · 06/09/2015 04:49

If he's like this at 21 when you have no children God knows how he ll be at 40!
I would say though "few times a week" is a bit top much even when you're 21 you actually sound a bit sex addict yourself I suggest you cool it a bit don't initiate at all and don't talk about it for a while to see where this goes. If he doesn't initiate at all I'd reconsider this relationship

AnotherTimeMaybe · 06/09/2015 04:54

The op is only 17
Oh wow!!!!
OP as I said earlier give it a rest a bit, you shouldn't be that preoccupied with sex at you age

kali110 · 06/09/2015 05:17

I think it's unfair to always blame porn and men with their 'cool wives or gfs'.
Most partners i've been with have watched porn but would always want sex still.
Unfair to label the bloke as gay also because he is young and doesn't want to have sex a few times a week!
I really agree with catsmilk comment.
At 21 due to issues i didn't really care that my sex drive was very low!
Sex has never been that important to me., it has always been about love and commitment.
I'm only in my early 30's now and haven't had sex a lot this year due to low sex drive ( and my dp would like it few times a week if he could!)and health issues. Thankfully my dp hasn't hassled me else it would put me off! It would piss me off someone hassling me and make me feel as if that was all they wanted me for.
If this is only the last 3 months what was he like before?
It's unfair to say he isn't stressed, he works less hours than you etc
He can still be stressed or depressed.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/09/2015 06:41

I am going against the majority of posters here, I would not give him an ultimatum BUT I would in, black and white, point out how hard this is for you. You are way too young to be living and loving like middle aged people wirh the cares of tje world on their shoulders.

There could be any number of reasons for his lack of action... It is highly unusual for a young male to behave like this.

I would suggest you both go to your GP - ask for investigations.

Also consider Relate- they are very good and have a lot of experience with couples with sexual problems. BUT GP first to rule out any physical /hormonal problems. Good luck!

differentnameforthis · 06/09/2015 08:30

He should be like the Duracell Bunny Yes, because men are perpetually up for sex! [eyeroll]

I also think, at 17, you seem far too obsessed with sex.

OhWotIsItThisTime · 06/09/2015 08:33

You're only young, you've got your whole life ahead of you. If you're not happy in a relationship and it's not going to change, then leave.

There are loads of gorgeous men out there - find one who cares about your needs.

Junosmum · 06/09/2015 08:46

I do think a lot of people are being very stereotypical and judgemental here. If the op was a man and talking about his female partner we wouldn't be saying she should be more up for it, she should want more sex, she should meet his needs more.

Your OH doesn't have as high of a sex drive as you. This frustrating and annoying for you. But it's his sex drive. It may be a result of other issues, stress, latent homosexual feelings, lack of attraction, deep rooted sexual issues, previous abuse. Or he may just have a lower sex drive!

If he honestly doesn't feel there is an issue and it's just mismatched sex drives then you can't do anything about it. And you need to weigh up how important sex is to you and be prepared to leave him.

However also be prepared that in every relationship sex ebs and flows depending on how the individuals are feeling. Imagine if it was the reverse and you didn't feel up for it and he kept pestering you- you'd quickly start to feel pretty rubbish.

BathtimeFunkster · 06/09/2015 08:47

If you're 17 you shouldn't be living with a boyfriend.

You aren't an adult yet.

Give yourself time to grow up into the woman you are becoming without worrying about how your porn-addicted boyfriend isn't interested in shagging you.

LindyHemming · 06/09/2015 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gileswithachainsaw · 06/09/2015 08:58

woah this all sounds so intense for people so young.

people should only have sex if they want it. there may well be no "reason" as to why he doesn't. he might just have a low sex drive. I know I would find people trying to diagnose me with depression or porn addiction or whatever just to excuse me not wanting to have sex, a complete turn off tbh.

it's a new relationship there are no kids so if you can't live with the mis matched sex drives then ywnbu to leave. if your not happy it's not fair on either of you.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 06/09/2015 09:00

I don't think the cause of your problem is particularly important. The fact is you're with a man who, for whatever reason, isn't interested in sex with you and is hugely disrespectful toward you when you're being intimate. You don't sound compatible.

grapejuicerocks · 06/09/2015 09:00

It could be performance anxiety so he avoids it with you, so he doesn't "fail".

You need to talk

TheStoic · 06/09/2015 10:00

Intimacy with a real live woman with her own thoughts and desires is too difficult for some men.

He prefers porn because it's a much quicker and easier path to (his) pleasure.

Leave now, and don't look back.

OTheHugeManatee · 06/09/2015 11:23

I think this young man got railroaded into moving his teenage girlfriend in due to her not wanting to live at home any more. Now he resents her (he's probably funding her too - unless she's really earning full-time aged 17?) and because he's too cowardly to call time on the relationship and kick her out he's withdrawing sex.

OP, why don' you spend a few years getting some experience and independence before you settle down? This guy isn't the one and you are way too young.

Oysterbabe · 06/09/2015 11:31

Porn and excessive masturbation can have a terrible effect on men. An ex of mine watched a lot of porn and masturbated so often and so hard that he'd become completely desensitised and it was near impossible to please him. Oral did nothing for him because it was too gentle and he almost never managed to finish on the rare occasions he could keep it up long enough to attempt sex. It was soul destroying and really took away a lot of my confidence.

I think talk to him about the problem but definitely leave if things don't improve.