BIL has almost assaulted DP in front of 5YO DSD. We need advice

[yorkshirepuddingacademy]

Hi all we live next door to DP's brother and his GF. DP's brother is 10 years older than DP and they have never gotten on well. Their dad died when they were all young (DP wasn't even born) and he passed most of his assets (including a large amount of land) on to BIL who was 10 at the time.

He has incessantly bullied his mother and DP for years now, he has always known that he has some sort of control over them due to what he has inherited and has used this as a stick to beat them both with. He will pick fights with DP for little or no reason at all and already has a criminal record for GBH against DP which he got around 7 years ago.

We have always tried to keep ourselves to ourselves and keep out of their way but it's proving difficult. They're doing everything they can to make life difficult, whether it's moving wheelie bins to almost inaccessible places or making it difficult for DP to run his business (which is at home, BIL also has a business but it is not based here. He just lives here)

Anyway I have been at work today and came back and was told the tale of an altercation between DP and his brother. BIL was waiting outside our house for DP to come in with DSD for his dinner. BIL started shouting his mouth off about a ratchet strap that DP had used and supposedly frayed whilst using it (DP says IT was frayed already and that BIL had bought it second hand) BIL says that he had bought these £20 second hand straps to move equipment worth thousands of pounds and that they are now unusable due to DP allegedly fraying them. DP told him to calm down and said he would buy him some new ones but told him he was stupid to use straps to move such expensive equipment. DSD was witness to all of this. BIL then started to square up to DP and told DSD to move away from him. She refused and clung on to DP, BIL then forcibly removed DSD from DP and put her through the door in our kitchen.

This made DP see red and they grabbed each other by the scruff of the neck and started shoving each ther around. When DP came back in the house DSD had wet herself, she is not in habit of doing this and must've been so scared and upset. DP them said to his brother "do you feel like a big man now? Frightening a 5 YO so much that she wets herself" to which he replied "I couldn't give a shit about her."

I'm so mad I feel sick. I knew he was a piece of work but to put a 5 YO child through that is just horrendous. She hasn't been herself all afternoon. What do we do?? Is there anything we can do officially? We've started logging everything that happens. He's just making it so difficult for us all. Himself and his GF have both openly admitted that they don't like children but I never thought he'd stoop as low as he has done.

We can't move because DPs business is here, it really isn't an option and why the hell should we? We're trying to make the best of everything

Their dad died when they were all young (DP wasn't even born) and he passed most of his assets (including a large amount of land) on to BIL who was 10 at the time. This is the bit I don't understand. I am from farming stock and don't understand why everything didn't go to your MIL. When you say they were all young are there other brothers and sisters? Was your MIL pregnant when DP's dad died? Was he the father or not? It's all about inheritance and needs to be sorted out. The 'fight' is just a red herring.

Like the above poster says the fight is just a red herring. If you say your bil owns most of the land and you don't have a rental agreement your business & therefore your income and livelihood is on very precarious grounds.

Start by reporting it to the police today.

Tomorrow make a solicitors appointment with someone who specialises in this area of expertise. A solicitor with no knowledge of these issues will make it worse not better. Don't do nothing and hope it goes away because it quite simply wont.

Hi derxa I will try to clarify as best I can.
He left BIL most of the land, and a classic car as well as a stone quarry, he left MIL a small percentage of land and all of the barns and outbuildings including her house.

MIL was pregnant with DP when DP's father died, there is another older half brother from DPs dads previous relationship, he is a lot older and has spent much of his life in and out prison. His whereabouts (or even if he's still alive) are not known. There is also a sister who lives nearby but in the next village and nothing was left to her.

MIL has over the years tried to accumulate land whether that's by renting or buying outright so they're in a better position than they were a few years ago but still not great.

MIL originally said that she was going to split the land she owns three ways with DP, SIL and BIL. DP has told her that if she gives BIL a share of the land then he will make it impossible for him to farm, he will be dictating what he can have where etc etc. she said that she has done it this way due to the tax that will have to be paid etc. I don't know of the implications but DP has urged her to change it.

You need serious advice as a family and fast. Agricultural land is IHT free.

What a hellish situation. You need to get to a lawyer soon. It would be better to get your share and then go and rent a farm of your own. What you describe is unsustainable. It also sounds unfair for the sister but I know a lot about how sisters/women are treated in farming families. Do you make a decent living at the moment? Could your DP not go into contracting of some sort?

It all sounds very precarious.

So you don't own any of the land you are farming?

Does the fact that you have farmed it for a time give you any rights?

Is he also reliant on you though for stuff that he has to do on your part of the farm? Because in that case you hold better cards than you think. Still best to see a0solicitor though. Sounds like untangling yourselves will be messy but a few years down the line you'll be glad you did.

It sounds like a longstanding and ongoing toxic dynamic with your DP and his Brother. You need , for the sake of your relationship and you children, to move. It's not healthy to stay and 'put up with it' or, try to 'win'. Sometimes if something is that damaging, it' healthier to think you have given it a fair crack of the whip, various strategies havent worked: in which case, learn from it, move on, get some distance and start over. It will be a relief and you will all feel like a weights been lifted.

Can't you just ask about your family farm? It sounds like MIL is going to throw you to the lions, so I'd walk away if you can.

Just an update, we have informed the police and have been told to log everything dates etc to build up a case.

We have given DSD's DM the heads up about what happened, so she too can try and reassure DSD if it ever comes up in conversation. Luckily we have a good relationship with her so we can all move forward together and support each other.

SIL has told me that BIL had mentioned to her DH (still following? Sorry) that he hoped "that little brat stays where she belongs" referring to DSD. DP said he thought part of his motive was to stop DSD from visiting to get back at DP which would absolutely break his heart (mine too).

I have spoken to him about solicitors advice, he said as far as the land his brother owns and contesting the will goes, he's not bothered about having a share of the land as he feels as though he has enough now without the land himself and MIL currently rent off BIL. Basically if MIL were to die tomorrow and BIL said you no longer have the use of my land, we would manage.

I was walking my 2 YO DD up to the car this morning and BIL was in the yard, I kept my head down, no eye contact not a word passed my lips, I'm trying to keep myself to myself and avoid any confrontation that may aggrivate hue situation. He asked me "what's your fucking problem?" I didn't respond, strapped DD in the car and drove away. This is what I mean, he's always spoiling for a fight or some sort of retaliation.

just move.

Its really not a simple as that! There's been so much invested in the farm, we cant just up sticks and move. We just can't, that really would finish MIL off.

Record and report everything. There's an assault yesterday and now S5 Public Order issues.
Definitely worth legal advice re: the will. Think you'll be surprised at the challenges that you could mount.

Best of luck.

I'd be thinking of moving and whether dp would be open to a career change.

You also stated earlier that someone else has a farm and it would be your dream come true to farm it. Unless you tell the relevant people that, they may not know. They may think you are going to stay at your current farm forever. Don't expect things to happen by magic, take steps to make them happen.

Your BIL is a mad prick. I'd cut contact and leave.

Build your case log of incidents.

Separate all your dealings with him now. Rearrange the business so that you are not using his land now. Then give him notice you are no longer going to be leasing it. Make sure it is legal and above board.

Do everything you can to legally separate yourselves from him as he has shown his hand now that he wants to make your lives difficult and you need to minimize his ability to do that.

Treat him as a nuisance neighbour from then on. Once you no longer have any business dealings with him, you no longer need to have anything to do with him so any further contact after that can be deemed as harassment.

Continue what you are doing with regards to ignoring him as any responses can descend into a he said she said and make a court case more difficult.

Unfortunately you have to think of things from a legal perspective no and not respond to any of his threats or goading. Yes he will escalate which is why you need to sort the business side of it out asap and then report and record everything.

If your DH wants to leave alone the will stuff fair enough that can be very resource draining for little gain and you have enough on your plates right now and securing your livelihoods must be paramount.

Get all the legal advice you can and don't rely on his good will for anything.

Best wishes.

Nice had words regarding the family farm. My DGM says hay it's not possible at the moment and it's in a state of disrepair and would take a lot of money to sort out which we don't really have at the moment.

It feels as though if we moved then he's worked 25 years for nothing. And worked bloody hard at that. We don't get holidays, weekends away or Jack shit.

MIL has been to see her solicitor with a view to changing her will which is a step forward in the right direction. As DP says, there's more than one way to skin a cat and BIL is skating on thin ice. One more wrong move and he could be looking at a prison sentence.

mindreader thank you! So,e very good points here and I will discuss them with DP tonight (esp ceasing the lease on the land, food for thought).

I am just completely ignoring him, he's trying his damnedest to wind us all up for a war of words in an attempt to escalate, but we're just trying to keep a low profile and ignore his immaturity.

It's definitely harder for DP than it is for me, especially since DSD was involved.

He's unhinged at best and I think he has anger issues. He's always been spoiled and entitled, ever since being a child. He assaulted his DM as a youngster which she let him get away with - you reap what you sow.

Can you start recording him? I mean if it's on tape, all the aggressiveness then surely you could get an injunction.

Although you're saying moving would "finish MIL off", I think your main responsibility here is to your DD, who deserves not to live next to BIL.

If you really, really can't move then do what mindreader says but BIL will probably kick off even more in the short term as the levers he has over you disappear.

coffee yes, we have considered this and think that it would be helpful in building a case against him.

rabbit it's just not doable right now, we would have to sell all of the stock etc and it's something we can't do right now.

As mean as it sounds, if you moving away would "finish off" your MIL then thats a bit of leaverage to try and encourage her to do what she can to warn your BIL to back off.
If she knew that you all really dont want to have to move, but the current situation cant continue as it is unless something changes, that might nudge things towards BIL having some rules laid down.

Sorry OP but if you think there is a possibility your BIL is "looking at a prison sentence" you're being pretty optimistic.

When you described the incident in the OP I really think they sounded as bad as each other.

Perhaps your BIL would tell a different story when asked for his side?