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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder what to make of this?

104 replies

Thistledew · 02/09/2015 22:32

Or rather, was DH BU in not knowing what to think or do?

He was in the barbershop earlier getting a haircut. There was a woman in there with two DCs, aged about 4 and 5, all of African ethnicity (may be relevant in terms of the haircuts they were getting).

Both DCs, when they were sitting in the barbers chair having their hair cut with clippers, were crying in apparent distress, and having to be restrained by the mother and the barber. They both displayed the same behaviour, but the second watched his brother impassionately, before displaying the same hysterics once in the chair. Both boys immediately stopped crying as soon as the hair cut was finished.

What would you make of it? DH felt that the boys were genuinely distressed, and was concerned that they were persisting with the haircuts, but, given that it was an odd thing to cause distress, didn't quite know whether he should have said something.

What would you have done?

OP posts:

SavoyCabbage · 03/09/2015 10:28

I once asked my postman to squirt a syringe of calpol into dd's screaming mouth while I restrained her.

I've also wrestled with her and held her jaw to brush her teeth.

GudrunBrangwen · 03/09/2015 10:28

Hoggle, that makes sense - you have to balance their discomfort in having it done with that caused by not having it done.

Bigredball, your post is straight out of the Daily Mail comments section.

JawannaDrink · 03/09/2015 10:40

You and your husband are both nosy buggers. So someone elses kids don't like getting their hair cut, what does that even remotely have to do with you?
If you're so concerned about other peoples children suffering, go send some cash for the Syrian refugees.

Original poster

Thistledew · 03/09/2015 10:56

Thanks Jawana. I have been supporting refugees for years, so I can't see how that has any relevance to my question.

I suppose that if you take the view that it is never right to step in and interfere when you believe a child is in a situation of genuine distress then it makes things a lot more black and white. Maybe DH and I are nosy, but I think that we are both the sort of people who would be concerned if we saw a child in a situation of genuine distress or terror. Some situations may obviously call for action, and some obviously do not. We both genuinely had never seen a child react in that way to a haircut before so it is of some reassurance to hear that it is not uncommon.

OP posts:

BigRedBall · 03/09/2015 11:23

Well you would know gudrun...I've never had the time or inclination to venture into the Daily Fail comments sections. You obviously do .

BigRedBall · 03/09/2015 11:29

We both genuinely had never seen a child react in that way to a haircut before so it is of some reassurance to hear that it is not uncommon

In your OP you said it was only your dh who saw this? Now it's both of you? .

allowme · 03/09/2015 11:41

My dd flailed about and punched her hairdresser in the balls at her first haircut.

SaucyJack · 03/09/2015 11:48

If you'd seen a child screaming in distress because they were being abused, then it would be absolutely right to step in.

But screaming because they didn't want their hair cut? It's a meh from me.

Kids can be incredibly U little gits over the most mundane of daily occurences. Life goes on in the meantime.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/09/2015 11:59

Blimey! You've never seen a child cry at a haircut before?!

AuroraTeagarden · 03/09/2015 12:27

Thistle may not have children of her own so would not automatically understand that this is a common 'thing' for children - much as I didn't before reading this post.
Some of the replies on here have been a bit judgemental imho. Not everyone on mumsnet is a parent yet and come on here to ask questions and learn. It's not nice to have a genuine query shot down.

GudrunBrangwen · 03/09/2015 12:29

Yes, I've read the Fail. That's how I know what the writing is like. They don't have a button though which is a shame as it would be used an awful lot.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/09/2015 12:38

I don't think you have to have kids to have seen kids getting upset at a haircut. You just need to have have hair. That's been cut. At a hairdresser.

AuroraTeagarden · 03/09/2015 12:55

BitOutOfPractice - I have very long hair and spent a good proportion of my twenties and early thirties in hairdressers getting it cut, dyed and generally fiddled with (including one memorable arse-numbing 7 hour session just before my wedding) but it wasn't a very child-friendly salon so there were hardly ever children in there.
So I have genuinely not seen a child getting distressed during having a haircut and I would before this thread wonder if it was normal. Now I know that it is quite common.

I just think that if people get a bad reaction to a genuine question, then they are less likely to ask questions in future. And the only way to learn and appreciate differences in life is to ask questions.

SoupDragon · 03/09/2015 12:57

The "unabated distress" that abated as soon as the haircuts were finished...?

noiwontstoptalking · 03/09/2015 13:08

In addition to screaming during haircuts my DS used to scream at the dentists and when getting fitted for shoes.

The young Clarks shop assistant was quite appalled when I told her to keep going despite the wailing. Bless she was very young and didn't seem to appreciate that upset or not it was winter and the child needed shoes.

BigRedBall · 03/09/2015 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Thistledew · 03/09/2015 13:17

BigRedBall - apologies for not being sufficiently precise. DH had not seen a child getting so distressed before. I still have not seen it, but I have no reason to doubt the accuracy of what DH told me.

DH gets his hair cut about every 6 weeks and has never seen a child react that way before. I get mine done about 4 times a year and have never seen it either. We are in our mid 30s. I have seen plenty of children getting their hair cut and have various friends with children with all sorts of hair styles who have never mentioned any problem in getting them cut. That's why it took us by surprise.

SoupDragon - their distress was unabated whilst the cuts were continuing, up until the point they got off the chair. We perhaps would have been less surprised if the child had shown some distress and upset initially, but then had been reassured when it was demonstrated that the clippers would not hurt them. It was the lack of attempt to reassure and pause until they were calm that we both found odd, but as I said, I had not considered that it might not be possible to get it done through reassurance rather than force. I am happy to stand corrected that this is normal.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thistledew · 03/09/2015 13:25

Thanks to all the posters who replied reasonably. It genuinely had not occurred to me that children could get so distressed over something like this and it not be possible to reassure them. I am pleased there was a non-sinister explanation.

OP posts:

Pteranodon · 03/09/2015 13:32

I think it's wrong to distress a child for something they don't really need. Maybe some do need a haircut for their own comfort but often we take an unthought out view because we just expect eg boys to have short, neat hair. (Even silky hair can be grown long enough to tie or fall out of the way.)

We want our children to learn empathy and kindness: the best way to teach this is to be gentle and kind to them. 'Boohoo' is a really harsh attitude to take towards little kids, BigRedBall.

BigRedBall · 03/09/2015 13:44

As a mother of 3 children if i left the house to run an errand like getting the kids hair cut, there is no way I'd trek there and then spend the next 20mins coaxing and being gentle and kind...or worse, go back home because they don't want their hair cut. You start off gentle and kind...3-5mins tops. If they don't comply, you restrain them to have it cut. I had to do it twice with ds...third time he was fine and now he looks forward to hair cuts. My children know exactly what empathy and kindness is thanks. You learn empathy and kindness loads of other ways too.
I find it horrible that this mother was judged for getting her child's hair cut.

SoupDragon · 03/09/2015 14:05

If the children were actually distressed, they would have been wailing before the haircut and wailing after it.

YeOldeTrout · 03/09/2015 14:49

I think Soupy is right.
We are white & DH likes to give the boys a number 1 buzz, btw. I also suspect it was a 'cruel to be kind' moment. If the lads are like that about a haircut, imagine what a faff it is to wash or brush their hair daily.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/09/2015 15:04

"Some of the replies on here have been a bit judgemental imho. Not everyone on mumsnet is a parent yet and come on here to ask questions and learn. It's not nice to have a genuine query shot down."

It wasn't a genuine query though was it? It was full on judgy pants hoiked. With some irrelevant race issues thrown in for good measure

Original poster

Thistledew · 03/09/2015 15:22

I'm sorry it appears that way to you BOOP. Can you actually justify your presumptions?

My OP did state that I didn't know what to make of it, and was asking how others would view the situation.

Yes, I would judge someone intentionally causing distress to a small child when there was no reasonable explanation and justification for doing so. As I have readily accepted, the reasonable replies here have provided a explanation and justification that has not occurred to me. As I explained early on, I thought it necessary to mention the ethnic origins of the family to provide context for why clippers were being used, rather than possibly less scary scissors (as I had no idea that some children find scissors just as distressing).

Is there any particular reason you have for doubting the genuine nature of my query, or do you just think the worst of any sort of ignorance?

OP posts:

Seriouslyffs · 03/09/2015 15:27

What arsey responses! It's just the sort of thing that DH would come home and want to talk about and I might well have said 'mm, don't know what was going on, I'll ask MN'
Perhaps clippers are very loud or cold?

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