To ask for my dd to move classes

[Jillonthehill]

Ok, firstly I should say I am not a controlling parent that tries to engineer my children's lives. I am really not! I have never had an issue with my other 2 children's classes. I am not complainer and usually I would just tell my kids to get on with things.

DD is a normal happy sociable child, but I am concerned that she is feeling left out at school. There are 2 classes in each year group divided by age within the year group. The class she is in has just 7 girls in. I started to notice in reception that DD was not invited to things with these girls. She does get invited to boys parties but is always left out by the girls. Now going into year 2 dd has started to notice herself and is getting upset by it.

I recently joined facebook and have been on all mums from the class night out and it now all makes sense. The mums of these girls went to school together and are all really good friends since childhood. Several of them holiday together have regular get togethers.

I have done the usual things - dd has had a party and girls over to play but the invitations are never reciprocated to DD.

I feel DD would be better in the other class where there are more girls to mix with and hopefully less of a clique.

I know as dd's birthday is not even close to the deadline for the other class the headteacher will be against the move but I just dont want dd going through the next 5 years of primary school being left out. WIBU to demand a move.

Wow op, that's really horrible for your poor dd. I would be livind if anyone did that to any of my DCs on even one occasion - let alone all the time. There's always threads on here about how it isn't acceptable to invite the whole class, but leave out one child because they are a bully/the birthday child doesn't like them etc etc. I would say inviting all but one of the girls in a class is exactly the same.

I would be tempted to reply something along the lines of "Wow, lovely party, looks like they had a great time. We took dd to xxxxx (nice attraction, but not so nice that all the other girls will be jealous) so hopefully she won't feel too left out when she hears about it back at school"

I would ask the headteacher if she can be moved and make sure you explain exactly why - how leavig out often escalates to bullying etc etc. They may say no, but if you don't ask, you definitely won't get. Good luck

Yanbu :)

Before posting on Facebook ... Is there the slightest chance the invitation could have got lost? I ask this as I remember one incident with my dd when I was a bit miffed about a particular party exclusion and then found the invite in her book bag a few weeks later and was thankful I didn't say anything!

Agree with what others have said that social belonging and friendships at school are important. My DD's old HT had the motto "happy kids learn" and thankfully didn't take the view the other HT had on here! She also viewed all types of deliberate exclusion as bullying and was very keen to nip problems in the bud (lovely woman with fantastic ofsted results). She banned the use of the phrase "BFF" as explained the damage it could do and had children role playing scenarios such as "Sally's game" as you described and all her staff (and most parents) were really supportive.

I'm posting this as it was such a positive change from the school she had previously (to year 3) where the HT was clearly out of her depth with aspects of bullying or just couldn't be bothered (possibly a combination of both) and my DD was immediately so much happier. She had to change her behaviour too though as she had been used to excluding others sometimes too as just not at all aware of actions as had just been behaving the way others had to her.

Our children spend a lot of time at school and exclusion like this by mums is just plain spiteful at this age.

My advice would be to talk to the teacher or senco and just ask some questions such as who has she been playing with, do they do much partner work or any activities that promote friendships, could they try and look out for blossoming friendships so that you can build on that with after school play dates.

Could you increase any of the school runs you do for spur of the moment play dates.

And another vote for clubs. My dd did dance, football and St John's ambulance and made some fantastic friends (dance mostly) that she's gone up to secondary school with even though she wasn't at primary with them.

Good luck :)

Is there any one of the other girls' mothers that you feel you could reach out to and maybe try and foster a stronger friendship between your girls? I would continue with the invitations for play dates as well, it sounds as though other girls are happy to come play with your dd, is that correct?

That's horrible OP...when does your DD go back?

I definitely agree that you should your concerns with her teacher/head see what they suggest. I guess the way they split the classes might make it trickier to move her but something needs doing.

My DD went in with her positive head on and came home grumpy & tearful. I don't think it was too awful but she did feel she was on the periphery of friendship groups and was really annoyed as unfortunately there seems to be a higher than average number of children in her class who struggle with paying attention, sitting still & generally cooperating.

However they will be streamed for over half the day, every day, from next Monday due to sats so hopefully things will improve. O

I agree that it can be terribly hard for a lone DC when there is a strong social group in a class where the parents are all friends and families see each other all the tîme. In those circumstances I think it's fine to raise the issue with the school.

Thanks everyone, no way that an invitation was lost - this situation is party after party. It is not the one.

DD is back at school and I am going to watch the situation carefully. I am going to change my hours a bit at work so I work 3 long days rather than 5 days. This will give me 2 days to drop of and pick up so I can monitor the whats going on a school more.

Sympathy. My dd just into year 2 came back from first day - "hates" school, teacher, class and classroom....

Unfortunately if a child is left out and miserable at school her education will suffer and as a HT you have a duty to ensure every child is happy and rounded socially and emotionally, not just academically. This is how bullying begins. I would insist shes moved

^^ This 100 times. .

I would say no as an HT. Children are at school to be educated and from your OP it appears you are more concerned about your child's social life and not her learning. I agree with a PP in encouraging out of school activities for your DD

^ shocking statement. Utterly mis guided and shocking.

Op not read whole thing but without a doubt, or hesitation ask for her to be moved.

It is awful to be isolated and lonely at school and then become dis - enfranchised, cut off and dread going in. Not helping any ones bloody learning . You know leading to mental health issues and confidence issues for life.

Go and see the other thread on small comments teachers made in primary and how it has stayed with people until adult hood .

Op without a doubt get in and fight to get her moved. Its a no brainer. Dont let it linger on, esp if she has additional issues. Good luck.

I think asking her to be moved to the other class is a good idea.

Can I just ask OP why are you friends with these people on Facebook? It might be better if you stepped away from Facebook for a while or simply deleted all these people so their social calendar was less in your face.

You might be getting quite uptight/anxious/angry when you read these posts and subliminally passing the feeling on to your DD. Maybe not right now but in the future.

Hi OP - just logged on for the first time in a week, and wondered how things were going for your DD?

Mine is still not really happy so I went and saw the head teacher on Friday and he was great. They are going to try a few things this week wrt making sure she's in groups with friends or like-minded kids and away from the cliques, but he's willing to consider moving her if it doesn't improve things.

I said I was concerned that with secondary looming I didn't want her to think that mum can always wade in and change things as she will need to learn to get on with it a bit once she moves on, but he actually said that whilst that was true this may not be the right time or circumstance to labour the point.

It's the first time I've really spoken to him since he took over last year, and having had a very good relationship with his predecessor I've always been a bit sceptical but he was really understanding and helpful.

Unfortunately DD has gone down with a stinking cold over the weekend and not been able to go in today!