To ask for my dd to move classes

[Jillonthehill]

Ok, firstly I should say I am not a controlling parent that tries to engineer my children's lives. I am really not! I have never had an issue with my other 2 children's classes. I am not complainer and usually I would just tell my kids to get on with things.

DD is a normal happy sociable child, but I am concerned that she is feeling left out at school. There are 2 classes in each year group divided by age within the year group. The class she is in has just 7 girls in. I started to notice in reception that DD was not invited to things with these girls. She does get invited to boys parties but is always left out by the girls. Now going into year 2 dd has started to notice herself and is getting upset by it.

I recently joined facebook and have been on all mums from the class night out and it now all makes sense. The mums of these girls went to school together and are all really good friends since childhood. Several of them holiday together have regular get togethers.

I have done the usual things - dd has had a party and girls over to play but the invitations are never reciprocated to DD.

I feel DD would be better in the other class where there are more girls to mix with and hopefully less of a clique.

I know as dd's birthday is not even close to the deadline for the other class the headteacher will be against the move but I just dont want dd going through the next 5 years of primary school being left out. WIBU to demand a move.

Please ask. I really regret not pushing school to help ds2 more socially in Year 4 when he was separated from previously made friends and he became totally isolated and developed huge mental health issues. There were other things going on with him as well so not to suggest this will happen to your dd but the lack of friends was the final straw I think. Depends on your HT whether she will cooperate in the moving of class (we had one at one stage who was absolutely rigid in not doing so whatever the circumstances) but the teachers should be able to give opportunities for friendships to develop by grouping or pairing your child with some of the other girls. I appreciate the classroom should not be a social club but a miserable child is not going to thrive academically either.

Poor little munchkin! Kids/mums can be brutal. Are you also feeling left out of the "mums group"? You know your daughter best, and it can't hurt to try. Good luck

Moving class won't necessarily solve the problem and I would think of other things first, before attempting a potentially disruptive move. I rarely socialised with classmates outside of school because I lived further away than most and I socialised with cousins, kids in the street and kids from after school clubs.

As someone said above, the problem isnt the kids it's the dynamic of their parents and there's no guarantee that you won't encounter this in other groups and years, take this opportunity to get creative. I understand that it's difficult seeing your kids excluded but it probably isn't deliberate, just a continuation of a dynamic that existed way back.

It has been a steep learning curve getting to grips with the incredibly fast moving, complex friendship dynamics of a child at primary but removing her from a class is a big step and not necessarily the solution.

Could you have a quiet word to the teacher and see if maybe she is able to use her influence - on the other parents I mean, not on the school?

OP is your DD friends with the girls in her class at the moment? I mean at break and lunchtimes etc? Or is she left out there too?

As she gets older she will decide who she wants to be friends with and other girls will choose her. IME parental influence is minimal after about Y3-4. Since about that time my DD remained friendly with my friends' DD but chose her own real friends.

In terms of changing class it's always worth asking. DC's primary always insisted that chn couldn't switch classes but several did for a variety of reasons including a child being socially excluded.

Well done to your DD for deciding to add more friends. It shows a real inner self belief and resilience. My DD (12) has decided the same thing this year! These issues can happen in secondary too and your DD will be well equipped to deal with things like this throughout her life!

Apart from the parties does she play with the girls in her class at lunch and break?

I meant to add - keep inviting other girls over to play even if it's one sided. The other mums will get the message eventually!

You should certainly raise the issue with the Head but I doubt very much if she will move your child now. It sounds as though the classes are organized by vertical grouping throughout the school, and will be extremely difficult to reorganize. Classes with small numbers of girls can be a nightmare,(I have never experienced one with a small number of boys) usually because one girl influences the others unduly; the influence of the mothers wanes as their children get older. Express your concerns to the Head and Governing body and ask for a review, but it does seem a difficult situation to resolve.

To keep to children/teacher ratios, if your DD moved to the older class, another child would have to move to the younger class. I'm not sure that would go down well.

Thanks everyone for the replies, I am overwhelmed by so many kind ladies taking the time to reply.

In terms of playtime my dd does not play with this group- although she tries to. She has told me on more than one occasion she was not allowed to play as it was sally's* game.

She tends to play with the boys or at lunch time my older children and their friends.

I should mention a point that a feels make the situation a bit more delicate is that Sally's mum also works at the school.

My dh is particularly outraged by this mother working at the school (a Christian school) and being so involved (although I feel not on purpose) in leaving my dd out of things.

I know someone mentioned was I feeling left out. This is absolutely not the case. I work full time, have my own friends and I am 10 years older than these mums. Although I am always nice to them and make an effort.

*obvious Sally not her real name.

There's no harm in asking the school but I can't see that they would move one child around just as the school year is starting. It would have better to have asked back around Easter, when the groups could have been mixed up without it being obvious why. If you mention it now though, it may happen for next September.

I would def get your DD into an out of school social activity and encourage her to play with other girls out on the playground.

Good point about I've left it too late for this year. I suppose all the Facebook posts of the parties, days out and shared holidays over the summer had panicked me a bit. I ll get her enrolled in rainbows. I know a couple of girls from the other yr2 class go to rainbows so that will be a start. I'll just have to monitor the situation, but if did mentions anything else about being left out I will speak to the teacher.

I remember in first year of secondary going with my best friend (we met in the first week and clicked) and asking for a meeting with the HoY to request if my friend could be moved into my form. HoY an annoying patronising little pixie woman who chortled that of course my friend couldn't move we would probably have different friends next week ha ha.

This led to 5 years of my poor friend being in an odd class with no like minded souls and me and the rest of our friendship group (all in my class) having to find her every break and lunchtime for 5 sodding years (enormous comp). Oh and we are still friends 30 odd years later. Wish some teachers would listen to kids!

oP it was the best decision i have made, DD skips home from school, she has played out all summer with various children knocking ... no idea who they are where they live or who the parents are ...shes had sleepover and party invites ... she has inly been at the new school 2 weeks before summer. I engineered it so she could make friends before summer ... so no september friends/new school time table issues. Sometimes they just dont fit ... (and im not talking appearance, some schools nurture kindness friendships, socializing etc child well being above academic achievement.)

Is there one of the Mums in the group that you could speak to? Perhaps suggest organising something together? Rather than seeing the girls as one large group, perhaps try and foster friendships, one girl at a time.

Good luck getting her inRainbows, those groups are normally over subscribed and have huge waiting lists.

Nice to see some positive thinking there 001 .

It depends on the area, we got straight into ours and I don't know of anyone that's had massive waits to get in. Besides there are other groups - gymnastics & drama groups are very popular where we are, although not DD's thing.

She did go to a lovely church club for a while though. There was a little bible talk each week but mostly games & activities, and mixed sex which suited my basketball & computer mad girl better!

i just know our rainbow groups are nigh on impossible! And it gets harder to join on later, as priority goes to existing members! :)

Yanbu. It always surprises me how women are so clique-y and bitchy even at the expense of a wee girl's feelings. It's rubbish to feel left out so id look to see what your options are.

Horrified at the posts apparently from a headteacher. What sad rigidity of thinking from somebody supposed to care about the well-being of children. So it is fine to have kids thoroughly miserable, left out and losing confidence as long as they aren't underachieving academically?! So if this was your school, and a possible solution (moving classes) was in your power as a ht, you'd refuse, while taking cheap pot-shots about a parent caring only about their child's 'social life' and not their learning? I am so glad my children are not in your school.

I agree that it's really horrifying to see such a cold-blooded post from a HT. I understand it can open a can of worms moving children but tbh I can see why the OP wants her child moved and having worked with children for many years, this is the kind of thing that can really damage children's confidence.

OP I agree with fostering good networks outside school - I especially recommend Scouts or similar which focus on teamwork and outdoors activities and are good even for bookish kids.

And yes to the women leaving the child out - it's vile. I can only assume they are too self-absorbed to have noticed. Is it possible you could say something to one of the kinder mums? They may genuinely not have noticed clutches at straws.

Thank you for all your kind replies. Just viewed another facebook post of 'all the girls' at a birthday party last weekend. Surely these mothers realise I am a 'friend' on facebook. They are either oblivious or shameless. Think i will "like it" and comment - any suggestions for the comment?

OP, have you spoken to the class teacher? It's a really awkward situation if the mums have all grown up together, had their babies together, and the families are really close, but I'd be amazed if they were deliberately excluding your DD.

I dont think it is deliberate, just really thoughtless,dd is 6 years old she does not understand the strings of time and shared history. DD just hears of things she has not been asked too. Luckily dd does not see the facebook parties and events that are posted. Hope we move on from this before she old enough for facebook!