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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL tried on Ds's (4) school uniform for first time without me there!!!???

98 replies

AsTheoryShows · 31/08/2015 19:39

Just that really, I had ordered all of Ds1's uniform and it arrived when Mil was looking after Dc's at our house, so she opened MY parcel (she could only guess it was the uniform), then got DS all dressed up in it, then took a photo and sent it to me!! I was a little annoyed to say the least.
AIBU to think this was a little out of order, and 1) she shouldn't open my post and 2) trying on uniform for the first time ever is something special and should be something parents do....
Don't get me wrong, not a deal breaker and I am not going to throw my toys out of the pram over it but I am miffed and think I should say something to her... on the whole she is a lovely woman and means well, however this is the same woman who cut his fringe for the first time ever when Ds was 1 as well. I thought we'd dealt with the boundaries issues!

OP posts:

CheekyMaleekey · 31/08/2015 20:05

"Another first" - god, it's only an outfit.

Original poster

AsTheoryShows · 31/08/2015 20:09

Worra that just made me laugh!!
She did know I was expecting said parcel, hence opened it, I was a little miffed but think she was just as excited as I was and wanted to share that I suppose. I was upset when I got the picture, and didn't text back. she asked when I got back if I'd got and I said 'yes, I'm guessing it all fit then', she sensed I was upset and said 'oh we should of waited but DS was so excited when he saw it.'
she does do a lot with our dc's and overall is a great granny, and without doubt does it out of love. I don't think she purposefully upsets, just sometimes doesn't quite think about things....
I think I'll have a gentle word, but certainly not blow it up out of proportion.
I think more than anything it reflects some of my anxieties about him starting school so may be I am diverting!

OP posts:

TheExMotherInLaw · 31/08/2015 20:12

Nobody else opens my mail - not even dp, and I never open dc's mail unless they ask me to, to see if it needs sending on. She was a bit out of line trying it on him. On its own, it might not be a big deal, but as part of a pattern is is Not On. DH needs to mention it, tho, not you. His mum, therefore he has to deal

PiecesOfCake · 31/08/2015 20:12

Unlike other posters, I would share your at missing this 'first'.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 31/08/2015 20:13

Me too, worra. I was imaging some wee Jimmy Krankie-esque photo being sent

Fandabidozie!

MIL tried on Ds's (4) school uniform for first time without me there!!!???

ollieplimsoles · 31/08/2015 20:13

Opening your post... Not on at all, even if she knew what it was, she should not be opening things addressed to you. That would annoy me no end.

When mil over steps a blatant boundary, dh just stops her doing things in the future. She abused a house key she lent from us once, so we took it off her and she is never having it back- it drives her mad but so what, she couldn't be trusted.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 31/08/2015 20:15

Would you have waited until your DH got home from work to try it all on? What with it being his son as well?

If not then I think you just have to accept that your DS was excited that his uniform had arrived (which is a GOOD thing!) and be happy that you've got an involved loving Granny who is thoughtful enough to send you pictures to boot!

XCChamps · 31/08/2015 20:15

If you are very anxious about him starting school maybe it was better that she did the trying on, so you weren't anxious about it all being perfect in front of him. Doesn't excuse her opening your post at all and DH needs to deal with that but all's well that ends well on this occasion.

SometimesItRains · 31/08/2015 20:18

Another one who read the thread only because I thought MIL had tried on the uniform herself, was trying to imagine how big the child would have to be and how tiny the MIL to make that work.

Gymbunny1204 · 31/08/2015 20:18

DS would never have known it was his uniform if nosey granny hadn't opened a parcel that wasn't hers.

EponasWildDaughter · 31/08/2015 20:24

DS would never have known it was his uniform if nosey granny hadn't opened a parcel that wasn't hers.

yep.

I'd be annoyed. Especially as this is after the hair cutting thing.

ChunkyPickle · 31/08/2015 20:25

DS1 had his first shoes, his first haircut, and all sorts of firsts done by MIL - generally without talking to me first.

She's generally a really lovely person, but it does pinch a bit to have someone else do milestones like that, I can understand.

I'm guessing you'll be the one taking him and picking him up that first day, and I'm sure that if he's tired, or having a nightmare he thinks of you first. Other people may do all these other, physical things, but as a primary carer you really do hold a special place in their heart.

Acer77 · 31/08/2015 20:26

I understand why you are upset. I would consider it a boundary crossing because, to me, I completely get that trying on his uniform for the first time is special. I get that's not a special moment for everyone.... but it would be for me. I'm sentimental perhaps!

Maybe your MIL falls into the camp of not seeing it as a special moment and just a practicality so you need to explain to her that perhaps you are more sentimental than her and she should be careful not to step on your toes...she should be more sensitive.

Taking a photo and sending it to you does point towards her thinking it was special though! Have a word....!

Whatamuckingfuddle · 31/08/2015 20:27

Also here to express outrage that MIL would try and get into a 4yos new uniform. However, now I'm here, I haven't got advice but I do think it's fine to mention you are upset because you wanted to a) open your own post and b) put the uniform on YOUR child for the first time yourself. My DM does stuff like this, and ignores me when I try and tell her to stop, luckily shes my DM instead of MIL or I may have killed her by now with her lack of understanding of the word no double standards My MIL would want to but thoughtfully hold back, then steal it to wash and iron 'properly'

Theycallmemellowjello · 31/08/2015 20:28

The opening post bit would have annoyed me - but if she knew it was the uniform for DS then I guess that makes it better. The trying it on - that's a meh. I think it's a bit precious to be upset (presuming that she does not open post normally).

Hygellig · 31/08/2015 20:28

I'm another who opened this thread thinking you must have either an extremely small MIL or an enormous four-year-old!

The trying on the uniform thing - personally, I would not particularly care, but then I am not the biggest fan of uniform. I presume you'll take your own photos of him all dressed up on his first day as well.

She shouldn't be opening your post, however. I suppose she only opened it because she thought it must be the clothes and therefore nothing confidential. It's perhaps worth having a quick word and asking her to put it aside for you to deal with later.

ninniepie · 31/08/2015 20:30

Yanbu! About the post OR the trying on. No matter how nice and helpful mil is - i think this is overstepping boundaries. And even if she's looking after her dgs for free, she shouldn't have carte blanche to do whatever she pleases.

WorraLiberty · 31/08/2015 20:37

@ Jimmy Krankie!

DownyEmerald · 31/08/2015 20:45

It matters to you so it matters. The opening the post is so basic I just don't know what to say about that. But the trying on the uniform - she wanted to do it, so she must have known how you would want to do it. And you are the parent so you should get first dibs. She's had her go!

I can see difficult because MIL, and I guess this is a downside of free childcare that I would never have thought of - always been v jealous of NDN who has free childcare, free hanging out the washing care, free lawnmowing care, free dogwalking care, so interesting that there is a downside. BUT your DH needs to have a word. Presumably she likes doing childcare - say that you are thinking about nursery/childminder because easier to deal with.

ArmfulOfRoses · 31/08/2015 20:47

I disagree with you when you say she wanted to share that moment.
She didn't bloody well share it at all did she?

cosmicglittergirl · 31/08/2015 20:57

I think Downy has summed it up well there, she wanted to do something she must have known you would want to do, and I can see why you would have wanted to get excited with him trying his uniform on. It's these small pleasures that make having a child so lovely. I don't think the fact she's babysitting means she gets to assume your role.
And there's no way she should be opening. your post. Outrageous.

BoboChic · 31/08/2015 20:59

Yes, your MIL violated two boundaries. Does she often violate boundaries?

suchafuss · 31/08/2015 21:05

I think it was a dreadful thing to do and totally understand about it being a first. My MIL looked after my DD while i worked(and she was paid). As DD is definatley going to be an oc the firsts were really important to me, and she knew this as i told her if DD first walked while she was with her i didn't want to know. So she made sure she did it by holding her arms up and walking her that way Then she sentme a text to say her first tooth had come through and finally gave her first taste of solids!!!AND SHE KNEW how important these things were to me. Some MIL think that they have a 'right' just because they are GPs.

Notbychance · 31/08/2015 22:02

She knows she was wrong-she even partially acknowledged it by saying "perhaps we should have waited but."
She knows how special the moment is because she has either had it with her DC or missed it with them, either way she knows how special it is.
It is OK to want it to be a family moment, with you there, and maybe he could have shown it off to Grandma, we as parents aren't completely altruistic we need some cute moments to share with our children to make up for the other special moments they put us through. This was one of the cute payments that is your reward

BarbarianMum · 31/08/2015 22:08

It has never, ever occurred to me that putting on school uniform is supposed to be a special "first".

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