Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to reply to my childrens' texts?

54 replies

lightshaddows · 31/08/2015 16:15

My exh has told me and my children that they are not to contact me or me them, whilst they are at his house. I have never instigated a text conversation with them whilst they are with him, but I do respond to their texts. He says I should ignore them.

Back ground: one of my children has anxiety and usually just needs to touch base with me to feel okay again. There has been 7 months of upset between him and the children as they don't like his girlfriend - they both feel shoved out/that they are not listened to etc...

Personally I have no issue if he wants to contact the children when they are with me (although in three years he never has) as I think children should be able to contact either parent at any time if they wish to.

This came to a head the other night when my children were at his house, texting me, asking to come home (at 11pm). I called him to see if he wanted me to collect them and was told I shouldn't be texting them, I should ignore them and that HE WILL PUT A STOP TO IT.

AIBU to think its okay for me to reply to my children?

OP posts:

Mitzi50 · 31/08/2015 16:20

Your ex sounds disturbingly controlling - your DC should be free to contact who ever they want - their staying with their dad not confined in prison. Ignore him

MsJamieFraser · 31/08/2015 16:20

yanbu, he does not get to dictate to you when you can speak to their own mother.

Contact is not for his benefit, contact is for the children's benefit.

How old are they?

Boardingblues · 31/08/2015 16:21

So the question is, should you upset exH or the children? Easy choice I would have thought. How old are the children?

wtfisgoingonhere · 31/08/2015 16:21

Are you serious? Of course you should reply to them - especially if they are upset/wanting to leave. Him suggesting he'll PUT A STOP TO IT is unreasonable

googoodolly · 31/08/2015 16:24

He has absolutely no right to say you can't contact your own DC! What a twat. Sounds like he's scared they'll say something to you about what they're doing that you won't like.

CrapBag · 31/08/2015 16:26

He sounds like a prized bellend. So basically he doesn't like it that his children don't immediately fawn over daddy and want their mum so he is trying to put a stop to it. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Sounds like your children have got the measure of their dad.

How old are they? Old enough to say they don't want to go altogether if they aren't allowed to even text you? They are clearly unhappy with him.

MadameJosephine · 31/08/2015 16:28

So your children text you asking to come home and you are supposed to ignore them? Screw that!

I'd be having a serious conversation with them about whether to send them at all. This is not about him, it is about the children and they have an absolute right to communicate with you at all times, especially if they are anxious.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/08/2015 16:30

It depends how old are the children? Is he capable of dealing with the anxiety or other issues?

If they are young and he is perfectly capable of dealing with it then I can see how it could look like it was undermining him and his relationship with them.

It's a catch 22 really because the children should be able to decide who they wish to interact with but its a fine line between being receptive and possible alienation.

ollieplimsoles · 31/08/2015 16:31

Is this for fucking real??!

NO NO NO. He has no right to say this at all!! I would be worried sick leaving my DC with him with that attitude.

I remember we had the exact same problem with my dad, we hated his girlfriend and we would frequently text our mum when we spent time with them. My dad was a controlling arsehole and prized bell end too.

If the DC don't like his girlfriend, he should address that and put his kids first. he sound utterly awful OP...

NoahVale · 31/08/2015 16:32

are you encouraging their anxeity in any way op? do you prefer that they want to come home?

KevinAndMe · 31/08/2015 16:37

How old are they?

I would say
YES to answering their texts as in a 'touching base' type of thing.
NO to ansering their texts in such a way that they think they ought to leave their dad's house in the middle of the night or that you feel they would be better at your house.

If they are anxious AND there is no reason to fel that being at their dad's is an especially anxiety/stress producing experience, then you should encourage them to stay there rather than ringing your ex to see if they are coming home.

LostMySanityCanIBorrowYours · 31/08/2015 16:43

My children text me when they are with their dad. They broke their phone a while ago and so would call my mum's landline, from their dad's landline, get her to text me and then she would have to phone them back with my reply My mobile number was too long for them to remember.

They now borrow their dad's phone.

I usually respond to most texts, but texts along the lines of "I'm bored. I want to come home" or "dad has shouted at me, come and get me" are given a very short thrift by me and their dad.

It does appear that he's being a twat of the highest order, going on your OP, but I do wonder what your text conversations are about that is causing him to act this way? Of course, he could just be a twat of the highest order and you could be completely innocent.

You need to at least try to appear united in front of the children. Even if he is a tosser or they'll play you both.

Gymbunny1204 · 31/08/2015 16:45

Your mistake was ringing him to ask if he wanted you to pick them up. They wanted to come home, he didn't want them too.

Your ex can't control you. Your children come first and if they want to come home you go and get them. Ask him why he thinks he can dictate to you what you do. What with you being an adult.

Gymbunny1204 · 31/08/2015 16:47

How exactly is he going to put a stop to it?

LostMySanityCanIBorrowYours · 31/08/2015 16:50

Your children come first and if they want to come home you go and get them.

I don't agree with this. If OP has reason to believe that her children are being mistreated, then of course she should go and get them.

If they're asking to come home because they've been punished for misbehaving/want to go and play on their x-box at her house, then she shouldn't be encouraging that.

I'm not saying that this is what OP is doing, just going on my own experiences as a co-parent.

My children want to come home when:

Dad has said no
Dad has turned off the TV
They've misbehaved and been sent to their room
They've continually misbehaved and dad has shouted
Dad wants to take them somewhere they don't want to go.

Original poster

lightshaddows · 31/08/2015 17:19

Thank you for your replies. My children are 12 and 9. The anxiety is with my 9 year old... it started around18 months ago - and believe me I have tried to get exh to understand it... its not anxiety just about him/gf... it has come out with other things. She has very physical symptoms of stress such as stomach pain, being sick etc. Last week she threw up when she was telling me about her dad moving away (he'dtold her the day before). It came out of nowhere... and since then she has a problem with eating in public, because she thinks shes going to be sick. I have taken her to the docs endless times with stomach pain, there is nothing wrong - she is anxious -

In terms of the conversation the other night, she started texting me about 9.30... just say hi, love you, send me pics etc... then she started to say she was upset - I replied that she should go to sleep and that she would feel okay in the morning (repeatedly), she said she was hungry - I asked if shed had dinner, she had, so I said to get some sleep and have a big breakfast. The I got a text to say dad had snatched her phone off her. My other daughter began texting me saying that things were kicking off, that they were being told off for being in touch with me etc... I replied that they should talk to dad. They did - they asked to come home. My daughter then heard the gf say 'I'm not having my f*ing evening ruined by a bloody child'. Then my eldest decided she wanted to come home too.

I have never encouraged my children to not see or stay at dad's - I fully support them having a relationship with him. But they haven't been happy for some time - they have tried to get on with the gf - they have had very frank conversations with him about it. He has simpy ignored it and said tough. They asked to spend fathers day with him (without her) he said no - so they wouldn't go, and they were devastated.

He repeatedly puts them last and I have repeatedly encouraged them to maintain contact. Each time they visit him, they come back unhappy, ranting about him and the gf.... He announced that he is moving 150 miles away in October....

The children came home after the incident the other night (they'd only been at his 4 hours), he was meant to have them the following 2 days, he hasn't made contact with me or them to arrange for them to go back.... I am at a loss.....

OP posts:

Original poster

lightshaddows · 31/08/2015 17:23

I have no idea how he thinks he is going to put a stop to our contact. I gave the children phones because he previously had refused to allow them to call me and my youngest became increasingly anxious and refused to visit him. Having a phone helped her a lot because she could just touch base.

He has no idea how to handle her anxiety, I have talked at length with him about it, but he doesn't understand and has actually on a few occaisions said that she is just badly behaved (in front of her). Even when she had an undiagnosed arm fracture (the hsoiptal missed it!) he told her she was acting up when she said her arm hurt and she wanted her mum.....

OP posts:

Gymbunny1204 · 31/08/2015 17:27

I thought it was too obvious that you were only to get the kids if they were seriously unhappy, had been hurt etc, rather than just annoyed daddy had told them off, so didn't post that.

Gymbunny1204 · 31/08/2015 17:30

Your update is so sad. He's putting his girlfriend before his children and she is awful swearing about them like that.

Original poster

lightshaddows · 31/08/2015 17:32

Noah - no I am not encouraging their anxiety! from a totally selfish point of view, I am a single parent working full time, raising 2 children (who have a medical condition that needs managing), ferrying them around to activities, supporting their interests, helping with homework, etc etc,... I do it alone as family are 200 miles away. I NEVER get a day off... even when they are at their dads, I am working.... so no, I don't prefer it when they don't go.

Also, my dad left us when I was 8 and I have no contact with him - he moved on with a new wife and new kids - I know how awful it is to feel like your dad doesn't care and I don't wish that angst for my children - it is heartbreaking to answer their questions: why is he doing this, does he love us, why wont he listen, etc etc....

OP posts:

Jux · 31/08/2015 17:56

Of course you reply to their texts. How will he stop that? Will he confiscate their phones?

Keep all texts, from them and from him. Make a note of all conversations with him, what he said etc., dates and times.

Does he intend to continue seeing them when he moves in October? How do you envision that working?

Jux · 31/08/2015 17:56

envisage

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 31/08/2015 18:14

Your poor children! Yadnbu to reply to their texts and from what you've said have done so calmly and encouraging not "oh dear darling chikd daddy wouldn't letbyou eat ice cream for breakfast well mean daddy I'll come get you right this second", you told them to go to sleep and made sure they were safe.

I have anxiety and need to know that I have a way out of a stressful situation, so in your dd's case, that I had my phone and could text mum for support and if it got really bad I could ask her to take me home. Just having the phone would be a level of reassurance. I think if you ignore them it would cause the anxiety to escalate.

Original poster

lightshaddows · 31/08/2015 18:32

Thank you for replying.

When he moves away - he only intends seeing them in school holidays - for 'longer periods' apparently. Not sure how its going to work really as the girls wont go to his for longer than 2 nights (this has been the case for 2 years) and in fact they haven't managed a full weekend with him for 3 months. I will go along with whatever the children want.

Giving her a phone really did help with her anxiety - for a while at least, but they have been saying for a few months that they don't feel they can text me because he tells them not to. Ive told them they they have the right to contact either parent at any time and they now seem more able to do that. But if he takes phones away then theres nothing they can do.

He told me that 'he's taken external advice about this issue and the children should not be contacting me when they are with him'.

I responded with 'if they were happy with you all of the time then they wouldn't feel the need to contact me - tey only contact me if they want to come home'..... and they've never asked to come home because they've been told off/want to play xbox/don't like the rules. They are fantastically well behaved, well mannered kids who just get on with things wherever they are, they are respectful of other people and other rules (even when they don't like it!)

OP posts:

Gymbunny1204 · 31/08/2015 19:16

External advice my eye. Who?

Flip

1 2 3