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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have been stupid. What to do now?

77 replies

Stupidwine236 · 29/08/2015 23:39

Obvioulsy namechanged for this.I am sorry in advance as this post is a bit graphic. Please don't read if easily offended.

I used to be a bit stupid when drinking when I was younger, often getting into silliness. But I grew up. I have been married for 8 years and have 2 lovely DC's. Live a very settled life, normally only have a few quiet drinks with DH or when going out on a meal with friends.

2 months ago, an old friend invited me out as she had moved away to start a university course. We went out and I think I transcended back to 10 years ago. We drank so much wine, so so much wine.

Last I remember is deciding to leave her in her room while I nipped across the road for chips. A man approached me in the queue. The rest is a bit of a blur but I do remember him pulling me out of the chip shop ending up in a park. Stupidly I remember laughing and finding it all very funny. I then have a recollection of him getting his penis out at the park and me saying I had to go back to my roommate. He walked me back but got into the entrance of the halls wanting to come in. I do remember saying no but everything is so blurry. Someone came out of the halls at the same time so he got into the entrance which was deserted. My friend's floor was key code protected and I knew I couldn't go up there until he was gone. He kept pulling at my knickers wanting to have sex. I was sobering up at this point but panicked I was in a dangerous position. After an hour, I remember telling him if he left now, we would meet up later and have fun. He took my phone out of my bag and rang his phone with it. He went. Friend furious because I had been gone 2 hours. Woke up in the morning very hungover and so very, very ashamed.

Ever since, he has rung my phone many times. Mostly between 2-4 am. He has sent text messages saying he loves me and wants to take me on holiday to Morocco. I have answered him once to say I was sorry but am old, boring and married. It is not stopping. I blocked his number but calls and texts are coming from various other numbers. If I change my number DH will ask me why? I am having to keep my phone on silent constantly. Should I tell my DH what happened? I'm worried he may leave me. He would certainly not trust me to go away with friends ever again. I have been so stupid. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

makingmiracles · 29/08/2015 23:45

simple solution......have an accident with your phone...whoops fell out of pocket and down loo type thing........problem solved

wtfisgoingonhere · 29/08/2015 23:47

Dropping it down loo won't need a new number though....

What about just needed a new number as you "keep getting nuisance calls "

trixymalixy · 29/08/2015 23:48

What kind of phone do you have? Some will allow you to block calls from certain numbers.

thefourgp · 29/08/2015 23:48

Break the phone, tell husband phone company make mistake and gave you a new number instead of transferring old one over. That guy sounds an utter creep.

amazonqueen · 29/08/2015 23:49

Yeah - you were stupid and should have taken better care of yourself.

But you managed somehow to keep yourself on the right side of stupidity and shouldnt have to keep having to fend this arse off.

In your shoes I would simply 'lose' the phone and get a new one.No matter how much it will cost it will still be cheap to not have to constantly guard against unwelcome intrusions

I think you have more than learned your lesson on this and dont need any further chastisements.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 29/08/2015 23:51

I'd text him back with:
I was drunk. You tried to assault me. If you contact me again I will go to the police.
Tell your DH the truth. You were very drunk and some random took advantage. You obviously feel guilty but you should be able to get drunk and buy chips without some bloke sleazing on you.

bumpertobumper · 29/08/2015 23:52

When is your phone contract up? Could you get a new one? In the shop you can sometimes choose a number, get a nice memorable one so you can tell dh you are not transferring your old one as you like the new one.
Or if you don't have phone insurance you could lose it and not get the replacement.

And/Or report the weirdo for harassment. Tell him you are doing this, might help...

CatMilkMan · 29/08/2015 23:52

Save his number and his messages in a safe place, figure the rest out later. But please save his messages.

Gruntfuttock · 29/08/2015 23:52

"After an hour, I remember telling him if he left now"

An hour? What happened during that hour? I'm surprised your friend hadn't left her flat to look for you since you went across the road for chips and didn't return for two hours. Does she know what happened?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 29/08/2015 23:52

If you are SURE you did not have sex with him, then I would tell your DH everything, making it very clear at the start that you have not been unfaithful. If there's any possibility that sex took place, then you really have got some grovelling to do. Either way, I'd be honest. Best in the long run.

ohtheholidays · 29/08/2015 23:53

Honestly no I wouldn't tell him,it might ease your consience but surely it could end your marriage.

I'd loose the phone if it was me,get rid off it and tell your DH that you lost it whislt you were out and didn't realize till you got home.Get a new phone.

The next time you go out drinking with any friends just remember to pace yourself and never go of on your own again OP!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/08/2015 23:57

The next time he rings, answer the phone and say you have spoken to your friend and she has spoken to her building manager and dug out the CCTV showing him attempting to have sex with you without your consent.

Which is also known as rape.

And that you are about to report his stalking to your local friendly police station.

Then block his number/loose your phone / do whatever you need to do to protect yourself from a sex pest.

You just went out for some chips. None of this is your fault.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/08/2015 00:11

What he did was rape and assult, none of this was your fault, you were obviously very drunk, he took advantage of your vulnerable position. I would report it to the Police and tell your dh.

Tootsiepops · 30/08/2015 03:08

You were drunk. He took advantage. I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. Under those circumstances, I'd be honest with my husband. I'm more worried that you feel you can't be. Why not? You've done nothing wrong.

MaddyinaPaddy · 30/08/2015 03:24

Do not tell your dh.lose your phone

hebihebi · 30/08/2015 03:31

I agree, get a new number and if your DH asks why say you were getting a lot of nuisance calls. I don't see why that would be a problem. If he asks further say it seemed to be Nigerian scams or something.

coveredinsnot · 30/08/2015 03:33

Tell your dh - as others have said it's the man here that was taking advantage of you in a deeply troubling way. Get a new phone number number and don't sweat that bit. If you are feeling threatened by this man, tell the police as it's harassment. You shouldn't have to put up with any of this. The man sounds completely nuts btw so the police would no doubt help. Have you saved the messages?

And what did happen in that hour...?

NameChange30 · 30/08/2015 03:35

Tell him to stop contacting you or you will report him to the police for attempted rape and harassment.

As for telling your DH that's up to you. I personally think you were foolish to get so drunk but you're not at fault for this man harassing you, that was his fault. And if you kept it secret but your DH found out later he might wonder why you didn't tell him and feel hurt that you didn't. Just my opinion though.

sykadelic · 30/08/2015 05:21

Personally I'd tell a variation on the truth. You were drunk. Went across the road to get a drink, dropped your phone, dude found it and followed you. Said you were cute and he just have taken your number somehow because now he's harassing you.

I would COMPLETELY leave out any mention of the rest of this. I would also delete this thread. A problem you're going to have is this guy saying he loves you in the messages. Your DH is probably still going to have trust issues, just not as bad as what actually happened.

I would also make sure you mention that he keeps changing the number he contacts you from and that you don't want to reply aggresively because you're worried about pissing him off because he knows where your friend lives... so you just want to change your phone number rather than try and threaten this guy.

You're probably going to get a little fall out but it still doesn't mean you deserve what happened. Some people are just awful and take advantage of people in an impaired condition.

Doobyscoobydoo · 30/08/2015 06:52

OMG do not tell your DH.

You can block his number either from your phone settings, or you can ring your provider and tell them you are getting nuisance calls. They can either block the number remotely or give you a new number - have done it myself.

Or yes - lose your phone and get a brand new one...

WishIWasWonderwoman · 30/08/2015 06:58

I do remember saying no if he didn't respect that then he is the one in the wrong. You don't have to be ashamed, OP, you were taken advantage of.

It is your choice whether to tell your DH or not and if you do it is your choice how many details you give him.

You can simply change your phone and tell your DH someone has been harassing you from several numbers.

You may also want to go to the police as you are being harassed.

Gunpowder · 30/08/2015 07:03

This makes me so angry. You are NOT at fault here. This guy tried to rape you. You were frightened and you got out of a tricky situation the only way you could. I would tell your DH everything and report the man to the police.

I'm so sorry you were assaulted and were made to feel guilty about it. I would contact rape crisis anyway.

MrsReiver · 30/08/2015 07:10

The victim blaming going on here is atrocious.
What happened to you is not okay, it wasn't a guy trying it on, it was attempted rape. It was not your fault.

Don't hide it from your DH, tell him what happened. There will be tears, and he will probably be hurt that you hid it from him, but you need to talk to him.

WhatamessIgotinto · 30/08/2015 07:14

If he contacts you again, tell him that if he contacts you again you will go to the police and tell them what happened. That he assaulted you and tried to have sex with you even though you said no. That he is now harassing you and it needs to stop.

I don't honestly know if I would tell my DH. Its the right thing to do, but if you think it would seriously damage your relationship then I would think carefully.

wonkywheel · 30/08/2015 07:24

IMO if telling your DH would damage your relationship then you need a new DH anyway, not to keep secrets about something when you did nothing wrong. You should be able to tell your DH everything - you were assaulted and being drunk is not an invitation for sex or rape. If your DH doesn't trust you or support you that is not your fault either! That's his problem, not yours - you don't have to hide the truth or stay in for ever more unless YOU want to. Would report the other man to the police and change your number.

When did we go back to women being property and men are allowed to 'have a crack' if the woman is vulnerable enough and she's not allowed to tell her partner as that will hurt his trust? What about hers in relying on him for support, or is that just not important enough?

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