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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have been stupid. What to do now?

77 replies

Stupidwine236 · 29/08/2015 23:39

Obvioulsy namechanged for this.I am sorry in advance as this post is a bit graphic. Please don't read if easily offended.

I used to be a bit stupid when drinking when I was younger, often getting into silliness. But I grew up. I have been married for 8 years and have 2 lovely DC's. Live a very settled life, normally only have a few quiet drinks with DH or when going out on a meal with friends.

2 months ago, an old friend invited me out as she had moved away to start a university course. We went out and I think I transcended back to 10 years ago. We drank so much wine, so so much wine.

Last I remember is deciding to leave her in her room while I nipped across the road for chips. A man approached me in the queue. The rest is a bit of a blur but I do remember him pulling me out of the chip shop ending up in a park. Stupidly I remember laughing and finding it all very funny. I then have a recollection of him getting his penis out at the park and me saying I had to go back to my roommate. He walked me back but got into the entrance of the halls wanting to come in. I do remember saying no but everything is so blurry. Someone came out of the halls at the same time so he got into the entrance which was deserted. My friend's floor was key code protected and I knew I couldn't go up there until he was gone. He kept pulling at my knickers wanting to have sex. I was sobering up at this point but panicked I was in a dangerous position. After an hour, I remember telling him if he left now, we would meet up later and have fun. He took my phone out of my bag and rang his phone with it. He went. Friend furious because I had been gone 2 hours. Woke up in the morning very hungover and so very, very ashamed.

Ever since, he has rung my phone many times. Mostly between 2-4 am. He has sent text messages saying he loves me and wants to take me on holiday to Morocco. I have answered him once to say I was sorry but am old, boring and married. It is not stopping. I blocked his number but calls and texts are coming from various other numbers. If I change my number DH will ask me why? I am having to keep my phone on silent constantly. Should I tell my DH what happened? I'm worried he may leave me. He would certainly not trust me to go away with friends ever again. I have been so stupid. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

TheGirlWithAllTheGits · 30/08/2015 09:45

OP, I've just put this situation to my DH (i.e. if this had happened to me, what would he do if I told him?). He has said that he would be very angry that this situation had developed, but more from a concerned-for-my-welfare POV. But he wouldn't leave me over something like this. Obviously I am not you, and my DH is not your DH but I thought it might help to hear this.
This man (the stranger) is clearly harassing you and if it were me, I would seek my DH's support to solve the problem, despite the circs around how he came to be stalking/harassing me.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 30/08/2015 09:49

You've done nothing wrong and your being harassed by the man who assaulted you. In your shoes I would tell my husband and then go to the police, try to prevent this creep doing it to someone else.

He obviously prays on vulnerable women and may well do his again, with someone who doesn't manage to get away.

If a drunk bloke had been taken away and sexually assaulted would people still be telling him that he was silly, had brought it in himself? Our society is so used to apportioning blame to women that people cannot see a crime for what it is.

AyeAmarok · 30/08/2015 09:55

Just get a new phone. Blame prank calls or PPI.

TSSDNCOP · 30/08/2015 09:58

Can you tell DH truthfully that you went for chips, you were spotted by a chancer who probably because he thought you were battered reckoned you were easy game. The chancer became a scary pain in the neck, followed you back and wouldn't fuck off and the only way to get rid was give him your number?

My only concern is what did happen in the park and the hour in the stairwell. Would that effect your ability to look DH in the eye. It doesn't in any way excuse the mans subsequent behaviour though.

TSSDNCOP · 30/08/2015 10:05

If you're blocking the number every time you get a call though, and he just pops up with another how many phones can a person have? He's surely not getting new contracts himself just to bug you?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 30/08/2015 10:10

Okay you got really drunk. It happens. We've all been there.
What happened was assault you were in no fit mindset to give your consent to anything.
You need to report this to the police, and you need to tell your DH, you have done nothing wrong.
He doesn't know where you live so ignore the texts for now. Turn your phone off and ask your phone company for a new sim, and change your number.

Lweji · 30/08/2015 10:10

I'll also reinforce that you need an sti check. It is possible that there was intercourse during the times you can't remember and not only it's you at risk, but you could be putting your DH at risk too.

flanjabelle · 30/08/2015 10:16

I am shocked at many of the replies on here. I would have no problem with telling my dp exactly what happened. He would be upset that I was in such a vulnerable position, but would support me in sorting it out. It is clear that this guy is a predator, not a hook up. Talk to your dh op.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 30/08/2015 10:19

Meanwhile this predator is still out there. No wonder they get away with it when the woman has to take the blame for the crime.

SouthWestmom · 30/08/2015 10:49

What did you tell your friend?

NotAWhaleOmeletteInSight · 30/08/2015 11:22

This thread has brought back a horrible memory I have of being sexually assaulted when I was a student. I didn't know my now dh at the time and as it happens I only told him last week when we were talking about our dd and I was saying how important it is that she's always in control and can protect herself. Anyway, he was shocked and understanding.

I realise that this is a little different but I actually think you should tell him the whole truth.

I also think you should tell the police about this utter bastard before he assaults anyone else.

quicklydecides · 30/08/2015 11:38

I would tell my husband that I was drunk, a creep came onto me, and he grabbed my phone and phoned himself so that he'd have my number. I'd tell my husband that he's now making a pest of himself.
I would then go to a solicitor for advice.
I would then get my husband to answer his next call and tell him that the solicitor was logging all contact so that we could go to the police.

I think this has become a huge thing for you because you feel guilty.
I think you either think you led him on, or you actually remember having sex with him.
Do you have horrible flashbacks?
I feel so sorry for you, but it wasn't your fault.
Yes you were sloppy and yes maybe you went along with him
But you were very very drunk and this creep knew that.
So, park your feeling of guilt, for now, minimise your role in it, tell your husband, get this creep off your back.
You will get so much peace of mind from that.
Then you can really look back at your behaviour and decide if you think you are partly to blame or (as most of us feel) you were utterly blameless.

lemoncordial · 30/08/2015 11:48

Op I'm sorry this has happened to you. I had originally thought you should get a new number and put it all behind you. But the replies on this thread has made me rethink. It was assault. You didn't consent as you were not able to consent. Yes to in were a bit silly to get that drink but you were not to blame for what happened. I also think you should go to the police.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 30/08/2015 11:51

lemon doesn't that demonstrate so clearly that our society conditions the women to feel responsible for the crimes committed against them. Can you imagine assaulting a drunken man, you wouldn't because you are not a potential rapist. Rapist get away with it because so much of it is underreported, for bloody obvious reasons.

LostMySanityCanIBorrowYours · 30/08/2015 11:54

Why wouldn't DH trust you to go away again?

You realise this was assault don't you?

It doesn't matter if you stripped to your birthday suit and can canned naked back to the halls with this man, you said NO.

You need to go to the police and report this man for assault and harassment.

I am sorry this happened to you OP. It was not your fault.

SouthWestmom · 30/08/2015 12:10

The trouble is that the Op has left it so long that telling the dh now could look like a cover story or watering down of what happened.

lemoncordial · 30/08/2015 12:38

Yes lumpy exactly. As the op had written it in a 'it was a drunken mistake' kind of way, that's how I read it at first. It definitely was assault and it is now harassment.

noeuf you are wrong. With sexual assault it can take months or years to process what's happened and to be able to take action. She hasn't left it too long.

SouthWestmom · 30/08/2015 12:41

Yes I agree 're: telling the police but there's also the relationship with the dh and getting him to understand why she left the chip shop and went to the park - there's the need to get him on board i think.

DancingWithWillard · 30/08/2015 20:48

OP, you have been sexually assaulted, and have consequently most likely been in shock and denial. This is not unusual, and it does not mean that any of this was your fault. You got drunk in a friends flat and got carried away as you rarely drink. Some creep saw a chance and he took advantage. You were in no way responsible, and did what you could to try to keep yourself safe, and managed to keep him out of your friends flat so keeping her safe as well.

It is completely your decision if you feel ready to face this by reporting to the police, telling your husband, or even at the moment acknowledging the fact that you have been sexually assaulted. There is no right or wrong way to deal with it, only the way you choose. I do think that regardless of your decision you should speak to rape crisis as someone upthread suggests to have someone to talk it through with and help you deal with it.

I am so sorry for what you have been through, it sounds horribly traumatic and you have been very brave keeping it together for so long. I wish you luck with coming to your decision, and please keep posting if it helps. I would suggest getting this moved to relationships though.

DancingWithWillard · 30/08/2015 20:52

Oh and Noeuf she didn't willingly go to the park, she was dragged from the shop according to her OP and was too drunk, shocked and scared to be able to pull away and get home.

The police would absolutely take this seriously if you decide to report OP so please don't worry about that.

EngTech · 30/08/2015 21:00

Talk to your phone operator and see if they can block the number i.e. harassment.

Failing that - A new SIM card with a new number, assuming you are not on contract

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 30/08/2015 21:13

Noeof. Not helpful. Small wonder so many rapes and assaults go unreported

SouthWestmom · 30/08/2015 21:16

I think there are two issues that's all, and I would try to anticipate the dos reaction.
The first is whether to tell the police and the assault - I think the op should. The second is telling the DP when some of the op sounds a bit like drunken going along with it - finding it funny to be dragged to the park - my DH would want to know why I found it funny/would I mention that? And why I hadn't said anything earlier, or to the friend (we don't know what was said).

AnotherTimeMaybe · 30/08/2015 21:43

I kind of agree with Noeuf, we might believe that she was dragged as we want to support OP who made a genuine mistake, but Dh will definitely ask how the hell was she dragged out of the shop to the park? Didn't anyone see someone dragging a drunk woman? There is no way in hell he will take this story as is without further questioning

OP do be careful for your own sake, you were VERY lucky nothing worse happened!

Gruntfuttock · 30/08/2015 21:54

The OP isn't coming back to this thread is she?

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