Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

I have been stupid. What to do now?

77 replies

Stupidwine236 · 29/08/2015 23:39

Obvioulsy namechanged for this.I am sorry in advance as this post is a bit graphic. Please don't read if easily offended.

I used to be a bit stupid when drinking when I was younger, often getting into silliness. But I grew up. I have been married for 8 years and have 2 lovely DC's. Live a very settled life, normally only have a few quiet drinks with DH or when going out on a meal with friends.

2 months ago, an old friend invited me out as she had moved away to start a university course. We went out and I think I transcended back to 10 years ago. We drank so much wine, so so much wine.

Last I remember is deciding to leave her in her room while I nipped across the road for chips. A man approached me in the queue. The rest is a bit of a blur but I do remember him pulling me out of the chip shop ending up in a park. Stupidly I remember laughing and finding it all very funny. I then have a recollection of him getting his penis out at the park and me saying I had to go back to my roommate. He walked me back but got into the entrance of the halls wanting to come in. I do remember saying no but everything is so blurry. Someone came out of the halls at the same time so he got into the entrance which was deserted. My friend's floor was key code protected and I knew I couldn't go up there until he was gone. He kept pulling at my knickers wanting to have sex. I was sobering up at this point but panicked I was in a dangerous position. After an hour, I remember telling him if he left now, we would meet up later and have fun. He took my phone out of my bag and rang his phone with it. He went. Friend furious because I had been gone 2 hours. Woke up in the morning very hungover and so very, very ashamed.

Ever since, he has rung my phone many times. Mostly between 2-4 am. He has sent text messages saying he loves me and wants to take me on holiday to Morocco. I have answered him once to say I was sorry but am old, boring and married. It is not stopping. I blocked his number but calls and texts are coming from various other numbers. If I change my number DH will ask me why? I am having to keep my phone on silent constantly. Should I tell my DH what happened? I'm worried he may leave me. He would certainly not trust me to go away with friends ever again. I have been so stupid. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

FatalFemme · 30/08/2015 07:29

Agree with gunpowder and MrsR, you did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. This man assaulted you and is now harassing you. I'd tell your husband send ask for his support in contacting the police. I'm sorry this happened to you OP

YeahOkayWhatever · 30/08/2015 07:36

Aero- Nowhere in the OP does she mention they had sex so how you got rape from that, I don't know. The police aren't going to do anything about an overzealous twat who tried and failed to get someone to have sex with him. Although I have no doubt if op had drank more he probably would have taken his chances and raped her, I really don't think police will do anything about this.

Change numbers OP. I wouldn't tell the husband. You've done nothing wrong, but he might not see it that way. You should be able to go and grab chips whist drunk without some creep trying to take advantage of you. Sounds like you had a lucky escape.

coveredinsnot · 30/08/2015 07:46

I agree with wonky wholeheartedly.

There is an implication thay the op is somehow responsible for this man's revolting and threatening behaviour and not telling her dh only serves to place the blame onto her.

Op this is not your fault. You should be able to get some chips if you want to, you were vulnerable because you were so pissed, this man took complete advantage of your vulnerability and has since continued to harass you. If your husband loves and cares about you I'm sure he'd rather know!

By hiding what's happened you're protecting this complete prick and assuming responsibility for his actions.

Iamnotloobrushphobic · 30/08/2015 07:54

You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to hide. You were in a vulnerable position and this excuse for a man took advantage for that and is now harassing you. I think you should tell your husband. At the end of the day this happened 10 years ago, presumably before you even met your DH so you have nothing to hide. Tell your DH so that he can support you and then block every number that this man rings from.

2catsfighting · 30/08/2015 08:19

It was 2 months ago not 10years

Spartans · 30/08/2015 08:25

The OP can not go to the police and say she was assaulted (which it sounds like she was) and keep it from her dh at the same time.

OP you need to tell dh the truth. Which is that you were pissed and a man tried to take advantage and is now harassing you and go to the police.

The fact that you don't want to do this says, to me, you don't realise it was assault or you husband is going to be angry.

Why would he be angry? Unless you have form for going out and cheating on him when drunk he will be upset and concerned for you. This is assuming he is a decent husband.

Even if you do have form, he will realise this isn't the same situation...again assumin is he a decent human being.

Iamnotloobrushphobic · 30/08/2015 08:26

I'm sorry I misread it and thought it happened 10 years ago but the man had been ringing you for the past two months. It doesn't change the factvthatvyou have done nothing wrong and have nothing to hide. Just tell your DH the truth - you were very drunk and some man tried to take advantage and stole your phone number and is now harassing you. Hopefully your DH will support you, will answer the phone the next time this asshole rings and inform him that he is going to go to the police if he doesn't stop harassing you.
If you behave like you have something to hide and your husband finds the messages it will look suspect when you try to explain it even though you are clearly the victim in this.

mabythesea · 30/08/2015 08:30

If it was me I would definitely tell my DH. You've done nothing wrong and now you are being harassed.

Lweji · 30/08/2015 08:37

Personally, I'd have an sti check and assume I could have been raped.
It may help you to talk with rape crisis or a specialised police unit. The shop may have cctv, although it has been 2 months. Still, he is contacting you and pestering you, and that's enough to report to the police, after making it clear that he is not to contact you at all. (I wouldn't mention any sexual assault, just that his messages are not welcome at all)
I might ask him to clarify if he had had sexual intercourse with me as I couldn't remember for being too drunk and I had been diagnosed with an sti, and could have got it from me or I could have got it from him and he should be checked out. His response might clarify a few things.

But, it wasn't your fault. He took advantage of a clearly vulnerable woman, one way or another. And you're not responsible for his pestering either.

I'd really talk to the police about it.

Lweji · 30/08/2015 08:38

Would your DH blame you if you had been mugged?
He shouldn't on this either.

lifesalongsong · 30/08/2015 08:40

Why is everyone saying to get a new phone? Unless your DH has never had a phone himself he'll know that you don't get a new number when you get a new phone.

I agree that you need a new number but I wouldn't go the trouble of getting a new phone, couldn't you just say that you've been getting crank calls and it's getting so annoying you want to change your number?

diddl · 30/08/2015 08:43

"IMO if telling your DH would damage your relationship then you need a new DH anyway,"

Absolutely.

Jeez!

You were drunk, the guy was harrassing/assaulting you & in a panic & to get rid of him you gave him your number.

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 30/08/2015 08:44

As others have said, this knobend of a man tried to rape you when you were in a very vulnerable state (and if you have missing memories of an hour, may well have succeeded - sorry). He is a sexual predator and it sound to me that no matter how drunk you were, you dealt with it in a very sensible way while you were in such a dangerous situation.

I think you should tell your DH. But unfortunately a) some men react very badly to being told their wives have been assaulted - they experience a lot of misplaced rage at not having been there to defend you and misdirect this rage at the wife, blaming her for what happened. And b), if this guy is professing love for you, your DH may get the wrong end of the stick and think it was a ONS, but you're making up the attempted rape story to cover your tracks. Only you know him well enough to anticipate how he'd react.

I also think you should go to the police. That man is a dangerous predator who will probably go on to rape other vulnerable women. Hopefully there is some CCTV footage and he will be found.

I'm so angry for you that he has put you in this situation. All you did was go out with a friend and have a bit too much to drink - not remotely a crime by anyone's estimation. Now this man's behaviour means that there are a whole raft of potential terrible consequences for you, only the least of which is that you are now considering lying to your DH about your phone to get him to stop harassing you. And while it's grossly unfair, society is so fucked up that it's likely that this knobend's crime will not be taken as seriously as it would have been if you'd been sober - which is completely wrong as you were even more vulnerable.

You sound very brave and sensible - I hope for your own sake and the sake of other women that you will have the strength to be open with your DH and report the knobend for attempted rape and ongoing harassment/stalking. Ignore posters who say the police won't care. He has committed at least two serious crimes, why would they not care?

pictish · 30/08/2015 08:45

Urgh what a revolting, opportunistic predator he is. Yuck...disgusting.

Getting into a conversation with someone while drunk is not an invitation for him to get his cock out and put his hand in your knickers for goodness sake.
Tell the swine that one more text or phone call and you will be taking it straight to the police.
If he continues to contact you after that, then I'm afraid you need the police and your husband's support.

airside · 30/08/2015 08:48

Student accommodation should have CCTV in the foyer of the building if access to internal doors etc is keycoded.
I would tell your husband and the police. You remember being dragged out of the chipshop into a park, a man refusing to leave and your clearly saying no. You obviously weren't in any state to give consent to anything and that alone should be enough, never mind that you actually told him no and refused him entry to the building proper.

YeahOkayWhatever · 30/08/2015 08:50

Lweji makes a good point actually. He wouldn't question your actions had you been mugged or assaulted. If you want to tell him, you really should be able to. He may try and lay the blame on you and only make you feel worse though. Unfortunately this seems to be the prevailing attitude when it comes to sexual assault.

itsonlysubterfuge · 30/08/2015 08:54

If you can't tell your DH that you were very drunk and a man tried to take advantage of you, maybe you should re-think your marriage?

Whose husband wouldn't be understanding?

If I told my DH the above story he'd be very pissed, at that man.

SouthWestmom · 30/08/2015 09:05

Just asked dh and he says he would find it suspicious that you wouldn't tell him about an assault straight away - saying something now looks a bit like you're covering up something. What happened in th a hour, why didn't your friend come to find you?

Lweji · 30/08/2015 09:10

Your DH and many people find it difficult to understand victims reactions to sexual assault.
Even victims themselves, as in this case, find it difficult to fully get their heads around it and that it happened at all, blaming themselves.
Offenders may well (most often) not assault you with a weapon and use violence.

SillyStuffBiting · 30/08/2015 09:11

Oh sweetie you have done nothing wrong, nothing.

What a persistent creep.

I'd tell dh, block his number and if you were feeling brave enough, go to the police.

You have done nothing wrong.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 30/08/2015 09:11

If you can't tell your DH that you were very drunk and a man tried to take advantage of you, maybe you should re-think your marriage?

Whose husband wouldn't be understanding?

How helpful...

sherazade · 30/08/2015 09:14

If you lose your phone as most people have suggested , your mobile service provider will of course automatically Provide you with a replacement sim of the same number. Your husband will know this and will obviously query why on earth you asked them for a new number and you will need a pretty good excuse . I second the poster who said you need to text this person and tell him you have shown the messages and all the numbers he has used to the police and he will be arrested for assaulting you. That should scare him off .

airside · 30/08/2015 09:24

I think it's perfectly reasonable not to tell your husband straight away because you thought it was over and you just wanted to forget about it. Now that it is continuing you are telling him because you realise it is not something that will go away.
If you are then asking him to support you through reporting it to the police it should make it even clearer that you are the victim here.

KittyLane1 · 30/08/2015 09:25

He has been texting you, repeatedly and often for the past two months with no encouragement from you? What an absolute creep!

You must have bee. Terrified OP and to have this man harassing you is just not on.

I can understand why you are reluctant to tell your DH, but please remember you have done nothing wrong

Loki17 · 30/08/2015 09:32

block the number from your phone

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread