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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you have any self-respect you go halves?

100 replies

Babycham1979 · 28/08/2015 17:06

I've just read this pretty cringey (and very American) article in the Guardian

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/aug/27/dating-men-paying-bill-gender-equality

And can't help but feel sorry for these losers guys. Surely, an expectation that a man pays takes us back a hundred years? Equality means equality.

Where's your self-respect, sisters?!

OP posts:
DrDreReturns · 28/08/2015 20:18

I'm a man and I'd expect to go halves on dates - not that I've been on one for over 15 years. Why should I pay just because I'm male? I'm not a cocklodger!
I also agree with the pp who said that it can create expectations - "I paid for dinner so you should xxx." It's far less loaded to split the cost equally imo.

AyeAmarok · 28/08/2015 20:25

I expect a man to offer to pay.

If I wasn't that interested in the guy I'd insist on paying half.

If I really liked him and he offered to pay, I'd suggest splitting it, but if he insisted then I'd let him pay and I'd pay the next date Smile

grovel · 28/08/2015 20:30

AyeAmarok, that's my position too.

DH always paid for first dates "because if there wasn't a second date it either means that I've given someone a disappointing evening or that I've made a mistake. So I should pay." Not great logic but rather touching.

JuJuMun69 · 28/08/2015 20:31

If going out on a date then I pay round for round, but if he asks to take me to dinner then he pays.

EngTech · 28/08/2015 20:32

Times have changed as have expectations.

I would have no problem with going Dutch as in my eyes only fair i.e. equal rights and all that but I enjoy treating the lady as a lady with no expectations at all

If I asked her out, it is my treat but if she offered to go halves, I would not argue

If I was asked out for a meal, I would not expect to pay for it but would be more than happy to offer to go Dutch

jorahmormont · 28/08/2015 20:36

Don't know anyone my age (21, student) who thinks men should pay it all. Actually, of the four couples I know best including ourselves, in three cases the woman pays for most things, in the other they're both skint so they don't buy anything Grin.

airside · 28/08/2015 20:42

This makes me glad I never did "dating". It always seems a weird American concept to me.

EmeraldKitten · 28/08/2015 20:47

I've never been out with a man that didn't offer to pay for food/drinks on the first date.

Does that say more about me or them then? [ponders]

MagickPants · 28/08/2015 20:49

Men earn more. If, statistically, women are going on repeated series of dates with men, and going halves every time, then women are proportionally paying more for the privilege of going out, being sociable, getting to know people, getting to know that one man in particular. Of course that is the nature of everything- everything that costs money takes proportionally more from a woman's resources - but with het dating it would be gentlemanly to acknowledge it, as it's a gendered experience, and for the man to put his hand in his pocket a little bit more, or at least offer, with no expectations.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/08/2015 21:07

magick

Does that mean you will only go out with a man that earns more than you?

Corygal · 28/08/2015 21:12

Men get paid more for the same job - a lot more. No one ever says they've got no self-respect for taking it.

Leaving aside the thought that in this instance they should feel bad, I think all this oooh women should pay for everything schtick is just another form of misogyny.

Claiming equality while shoving a bill at someone who's routinely a victim of financial discrimination is not equal rights, it's just further abuse.

BarbarianMum · 28/08/2015 21:18

Corygal - what a pile of self-serving shit.

Corygal · 28/08/2015 21:21

Elegant and articulate, BM.

Tiggeryoubastard · 28/08/2015 21:22

Corygal, was it a shock when you teleported?

BeautyQueenFromMars · 28/08/2015 21:25

I would expect to pay half, but would be secretly hoping the other person paid for all of it, as I'm a tightwad Grin

However, in reality, if someone (male or female) does pay for an entire meal or evening out, then I pay for the next one. First date with now-DH, he paid. Second date, I did. It was generally turn and turn about, although he may have paid for one or two more nights out before we got married and combined incomes, as he earns twice as much as I do.

Welshmaenad · 28/08/2015 21:37

When I was dating, any guy who got pissy about letting me pay my way didn't get a second date.

My first date with DH, I paid for our meal, as I chose the restaurant. I was earning about three times what he was at the time so it was just fair. He got a round in, and a coffee later on. He was fine with me paying, so I married him Smile

TwoNoisyBoys · 28/08/2015 21:39

I always offer to pay half, I just feel more comfortable doing that. If however he insists on paying, I make sure I buy the drinks at the next place, or pay next time we're out, or whatever.
My fella and I hadn't been together very long, when we went out for a lovely evening....cocktails, dinner, drinks, more drinks ???? I said at the beginning of the night that I needed to get some cash out, but he wouldn't hear of it and just kept saying "No, tonight's my treat". Anyway, after a long (and pretty expensive) night, we went back to his, and decided that the next morning we'd go out for breakfast.
So, next day....Grabbing the opportunity, I grandly told him to order whatever he liked, as breakfast was 'on me'. We ordered the full works, extra toast, fresh orange and two or three coffees each. When we finished, he went to get his wallet out, and I told him again, no, my treat. So he heads off to the exit, I go to pay with my card, then the woman behind the counter says "Sorry love, cash only" ???? so I had to call him back from the front door to ask him if he could lend me the money as I've (still!) got no cash!!
He still teases me about it now ????

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 28/08/2015 21:42

How rude! Poor men being made to feel as if they have to pay to be in their company. I love being "treated" and feeling looked after, but I would never expect it... I can't believe those women will ever get to date 2

ChristineDePisan · 28/08/2015 21:44

I'm so glad I'm well out of the dating game...

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/08/2015 21:45

Corygal

So you would make a man pays because of societies ills?

that really doesn't bode well for a long lasting relationship.

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/08/2015 21:47

I am afraid I am a bit old fashioned about this in some respects. If somebody asked me out for a meal (as in a first date), I would expect them to pay. However, I would always make the offer to contribute. Conversely, if I had asked them out, I would pay. I have tentatively stepped into the world of dating more recently and have found that most men are "er no, I'll pay" and I prefer the idea of taking it in turns if you were going to date regularly. I have a gorgeous, solvent, single friend who went out with a guy recently, he had asked for the date, he booked the very expensive restaurant, he ordered champagne, lobster, steak, everything on the menu that was horribly expensive. When the bill came, he just left it on the table until it became the elephant in the room, at which point friend took her card out and paid. I think that was incredibly rude of him and no, he didn't offer to pay half either. What a twat. Last week I was in a restaurant with a bunch of girlfriends and there was a couple at the next table. It appeared to be a first date judging by the conversation we couldn't help but overhear due to proximity. They were older, well into their fifties I would guess. However, when the bill came, the man started quibbling about how they would split the bill, calculating who had what and it came down to 12p in the end. The woman looked hideously embarrassed and kept saying "don't worry, I'll pay it" and she did in the end. I can guarantee he will not get a second date.

I don't know, sometimes I wish chivalry were not dead expects battering....

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/08/2015 21:49

TwoNoisy...yes, I think that's the kind of attitude and understanding I would appreciate...glad you're still together Smile

Ragwort · 28/08/2015 21:52

Christine - agree Grin - I've been married nearly 30 years and pretty sure my DH paid for my meal the first time we had a 'dinner date' Grin.

BadLad · 28/08/2015 21:53

I'd expect the woman to go halves, unless I've suggested a very expensive place, in which case I'd probably insist on paying. But that wouldn't happen until quite a few dates in.

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2015 21:54

If I went out with someone who ordered champagne and lobster, I would have to ask him whether he had enough money to pay for it.