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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that if you have any self-respect you go halves?

100 replies

Babycham1979 · 28/08/2015 17:06

I've just read this pretty cringey (and very American) article in the Guardian

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/aug/27/dating-men-paying-bill-gender-equality

And can't help but feel sorry for these losers guys. Surely, an expectation that a man pays takes us back a hundred years? Equality means equality.

Where's your self-respect, sisters?!

OP posts:

Tiggeryoubastard · 28/08/2015 18:44

What not hat.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/08/2015 18:48

I would be embarrased if I invited someone out for an event of any description and they felt they had to pay.

If I invite someone somewhere the intention is I am treating them.

Tbh I tend to ask most of the time.

FrizzyNoodles · 28/08/2015 18:50

I kind of expect them to get the first round in but it makes them seem like a gentleman to me. I always get the second one in. Meals I go halves or in a relationship I prefer to take turns. I like taking my DP out and treating him right in the past blokes I've dated have put me off them by insisting on paying - doesn't really feel like being spoiled when you're in pizza express and they've got a voucher. Cinema I would let them get the tickets and I get the drinks, popcorn and sweets to even it out. I don't really agree with the person asking should pay because men don't tend to like being asked out...unless I'm just scary...

wickedlazy · 28/08/2015 18:50

In our group, you go dutch until he's gotten into your knickers things are more serious, and you know he's not trying to use paying your way as a justification for using you. When men used to insist on paying for me, and I refused, the guy was usually visably relieved. I think most men think they should always be a gentleman and at least offer to pay.

Chickychickyparmparm · 28/08/2015 18:53

"I've always gone halves with anyone I've eaten out with, regardless of whether they have a penis or not."

Exactly. It just seems obvious. If I didn't have the money for the meal, I wouldn't go. That article is bizarre, I live in a totally different world!

whattheseithakasmean · 28/08/2015 19:05

My dating days were in my penniless youth with other penniless youths. We didn't date so much as snog at a party then take it from there...usually scraping behind the back of a settee to get enough cash for a night out - happy days.

I don't recognise all this formal 'dating/men paying' malarky. It sounds so formal and old fashioned - and we all know the 'good old days' was predicated on women's inequality.

Can't we all just move forward and see each other as equals? Men are not walking wallets & women are not possessions to be bought. Start as you mean to go on - on an equal footing.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 28/08/2015 19:12

I'm well past my mid thirties from the olden days when men paid for the first date. After that we split the bill. However, with DH apparently I insisted that I paid for the first date and it gave him completely the wrong idea about me!

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2015 19:13

The thing is that when you go on a date with someone, you're not going as friends, are you? You are hoping a relationship will come from it. I think what you depends a lot on your age. When you're teenagers or students, neither have much money so whoever has it that day tends to pay. Some people then fall into a habit where they get used to being paid for and I think that's when the cocklodger habit starts (either gender.)

I'm older than a lot of you and my children have left home. The last thing I want is a cocklodger in my life. If a man asked me out for dinner now then yes I would offer to buy drinks etc but if he couldn't afford the dinner he shouldn't make the invitation. It wouldn't bother me if we went for a drink instead. What I would hate is a situation at the end where you're both splitting the bill - that, to me, is what friends do. I'd do it if I had no intention of seeing the guy again and that's actually what someone in that article said - he said his stomach would sink because he'd think she didn't like him. I've heard that again and again from men. There has to be something to differentiate you from mates. And no, I wouldn't offer to pay for the full meal on the first date, either - not because of the money, that wouldn't bother me, but because I'd feel like his mum.

treaclesoda · 28/08/2015 19:15

I'm 40 and I never ever expected the man to pay, neither did any of my friends, it seemed like something from history.

Even after we were married I had this weird thing where if DH and I went out for dinner together we both reached into our pockets when the bill came, even though it really made no difference at that point!

Sallystyle · 28/08/2015 19:28

I admit, that I would expect the man to pay for the first date at least.

I don't really know why I feel that way, but I do.

I paid for dh when we were dating after a good few dates in but if he accepted us going halves when he asked me out or on the first few dates it may have put me off a little. I think it is gentlemanly to pay, which I know logically is sexist. But I'm honest about that.

Now if I had asked a man out I wouldn't expect him to pay then but him offering would have left a good impression.

AugustDay · 28/08/2015 19:29

It wouldn't cross my mind for someone else to pay for me unless there was a particular reason eg someone was thanking me for doing them a favour or if someone wanted to give me a birthday present of a meal out.

I feel more comfortable paying my own way and I like to know the 'financial' arrangements before going out with people. I dislike the awkward 'ohh I'll pay' 'on no, let me pay' shenanigans that goes on after a meal. I much prefer to say that I'd like to split the bill before going out.

Sallystyle · 28/08/2015 19:31

What I would hate is a situation at the end where you're both splitting the bill - that, to me, is what friends do. I'd do it if I had no intention of seeing the guy again and that's actually what someone in that article said - he said his stomach would sink because he'd think she didn't like him. I've heard that again and again from men. There has to be something to differentiate you from mates. And no, I wouldn't offer to pay for the full meal on the first date, either - not because of the money, that wouldn't bother me, but because I'd feel like his mum.

You put what I felt into the words I couldn't find.

AugustDay · 28/08/2015 19:35

I've been married to my DH for 30 years and I still groan when I ask for the bill but the waiter gives it to my DH. It happened this lunch time.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/08/2015 19:40

I'd do it if I had no intention of seeing the guy again and that's actually what someone in that article said

And yet there are many women who go on dates with no intention of seeing the man again and not paying.

grovel · 28/08/2015 19:42

My experience was that men felt they should pay for the first date because they asked someone to take a chance on them and generally chose the concert/restaurant/club. Subsequent dates were likely to be mutually decided and the cost shared.

FithColumnist · 28/08/2015 19:45

Fascinating. Those of you who expect a man to pay on the first date, what would you do if he assumed that you would be going dutch?

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2015 19:50

I've known quite a few men who've done a lot of online dating - with one guy he was seeing about three different women per week. He was complaining that he was paying such a lot of money, but at the same time he had no intention of seeing any of them again (eg he was texting the next date from the toilets of the current date) - he said he slept with 99% of the women and 99% of them wanted to see him again.

I was really glad none of those women paid for their own meal!

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2015 19:53

It would be interesting to get some male posters' opinions on this.

BlahBlahUsername · 28/08/2015 19:55

I would feel very uncomfortable letting a man I don't know pay for my food. There are just so many psychos out there, so many weirdos and so many woman haters (god knows why they don't just stay away from women!) I won't accept any gifts, including a lunch or dinner, until I know and trust someone, and by that point you tend to treat each other anyway.

Sallystyle · 28/08/2015 19:58

fith I would always take enough money to pay just incase.

I would pay, and say nothing.

Sallystyle · 28/08/2015 20:00

Well what difference does it make if he is a psycho and you pay for your own food? If you are dating a psycho it doesn't really matter who pays.

I wouldn't feel safer because I paid for my own food.

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2015 20:01

But, Blah, I'd rather have a first date that wasn't expensive anyway, so the cost wasn't a real issue. I'm not impressed if someone spends a lot, other things impress me far more.

Osolea · 28/08/2015 20:05

You don't sound as if you accept that you should pay your way at all Osolea

Of course I accept it, but if I've been asked out as a romantic thing by a man, then my preference is that he pays. I've only been on a few proper dates though, it's not something that's ever been an issue.

LemonPied · 28/08/2015 20:08

DP and I were going halfsies on a takeaway tonight. But it's my treat now. Cos I dared him to sniff the cheese skank that's built up on one of my earrings.
misses point

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/08/2015 20:17

ImperialBlether
"It would be interesting to get some male posters' opinions on this."

Waves,
I would much prefer to go Dutch on the first date and the second to be paid for by whoever asks the other out again.

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