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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

argument with dh but am I in the wrong

112 replies

buildingafootieteam · 28/08/2015 10:40

Long story short, I'm away for the weekend - first time leaving ds3 at 7 weeks so probably a bit UR-had it booked with dh for months. Now his parents need him on Saturday so we i had to sort out some form of childcare. Mil rang last night to tell me she has childcare sorted she'll look after them. She is not able to look after 3 under 4 as she has been in poor health lately. So she took it upon herself to ring sil and get her to cancel plans to look after the dc's. I lost the plot probably quite UR with dh at this. BUT they do have form for sticking their noses in to my children (told me ds1 did not have asthma it's just a little cough, 2 asthma attacks later she still won't believe us).
My AIBU is would I BU to expect dh to tell his parents to keep their noses out, they are our children and if we need their help we'll ask for it

OP posts:

cashewnutty · 28/08/2015 12:44

Are you for real ducky? How bloody rude. A baby can be left with its father perfectly safely you know. Not all mothers need to have their infants welded to them.

ollieplimsoles · 28/08/2015 12:44

Rtft and I knew this would turn into the mil being controlling, I could see it right away.

Your dh is married to you now and you and his kids should come first, not what she wants- he's got a 7 week old baby to look after, he shouldn't be going anywhere, whether mil 'needs him' or not.

Get your key back off mil and take control, your husband should be staying where he is and looking after the 7 week old baby, not passing the poor dc from pillar to post because mil needs something doing.

Never heard anything so ridiculous in my life.

mickeysminnie · 28/08/2015 12:44

Can your mum mind the baby? If so let her and send the older two to your mil.

duckyneedsaclean · 28/08/2015 12:44

Oh give over duckydinosaur

diddl · 28/08/2015 13:05

"Your dh is married to you now and you and his kids should come first, not what she wants- he's got a 7 week old baby to look after, he shouldn't be going anywhere, whether mil 'needs him' or not."

I agree with that, but gather that this peat cutting isn't strictly just for the ILs?

It sounds all too close knit & stifling for me.

Original poster

buildingafootieteam · 28/08/2015 13:08

No mickey she can't mind the children has to work.

Sorry ollie if I was too predictable I'll mix it up next time mil is of the thinking that the minute a baby is born (not just mine) she is more than capable of minding it sure it's just a case of sticking a bottle in his/her mouth every few hours so she really will not understand the whole not wanting to leave baby for any reason.

duckydinosaur just a recommendation, don't go for a job as a counsellor, or a midwife, or dealing with anyone postpartum and hormonal

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 28/08/2015 13:09

"Your dh is married to you now and you and his kids should come first, not what she wants- he's got a 7 week old baby to look after, he shouldn't be going anywhere, whether mil 'needs him' or not."

Up to a point, Lord Copper.

Original poster

buildingafootieteam · 28/08/2015 13:10

And total drip feed kow but just to add they offer us turf throughout the year so dh really does feel that he has to help. Just WHY did the gods feel the need for downpours so that it keeps getting put off until now

OP posts:

ollieplimsoles · 28/08/2015 13:10

sounds all too close knit and stifling for me

I couldn't agree more diddl.

What kind of man drops everything on a weekend because his mummy needs an errand. My mil used to try this, dh told her it ain't happening. May sound harsh op but you need to end the obvious grip she has on the family unit.

WorraLiberty · 28/08/2015 13:15

OP, are you married to one of Mrs Brown's boys?!?

She does sound very interfering.

BertrandRussell · 28/08/2015 13:16

"What kind of man drops everything on a weekend because his mummy needs an errand"

A nice one with a sense of family?

And anyway, this isn't an "errand". It's a seasonal task that everyone, including the OP, will benefit from.

diddl · 28/08/2015 13:17

"they offer us turf throughout the year so dh really does feel that he has to help. "

But even if they didn't or you don't use it it seems sensible to get as many as possible helping to get it done.

And in the future if FIl isn't up to it, your husband is hardly going to begrudge giving up a day to get winter fuel for his parents is he?

BertrandRussell · 28/08/2015 13:22

"And in the future if FIl isn't up to it, your husband is hardly going to begrudge giving up a day to get winter fuel for his parents is he?"

Well, according to mumsnet rules he most certainly shouldn't do anything of the sort. Men are not allowed to have ties to their family of origin at all. And a man's parents have no right at all to ask for any help from him ever.

Original poster

buildingafootieteam · 28/08/2015 13:28

It's never been an issue him helping, until now and he'll be helping for the next however many years he's needed. My issue isn't him going it's mil and the controlling

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 28/08/2015 13:34

But all your mil did was to make exactly the arrangement you would have made when you got round to it. I really think you should let this one go. Sometimes people are trying to be helpful. Even Mils.

diddl · 28/08/2015 13:38

So the peat cutting is a red herring in a way as it just happened to be convnient people & weather wise this weekend.

MIL has organised SIL, who you would hav askd anyway, so all good in that respect.

However it's the not being respected/listened to/treatd as adults(?) & this is just a reminder of that.

I suppose all you can do is keep saying no to her suggestions, or that you have already sorted it out, or laugh & say "how ridiciculous, or course we won't do that"

And tell her as little as possible about anything.

diddl · 28/08/2015 13:46

"But all your mil did was to make exactly the arrangement you would have made when you got round to it."

Yes I agree.

Although OP would have had hrown mum if she was available. Did MIL know that OPs mum couldn't do it?

Original poster

buildingafootieteam · 28/08/2015 13:48

Nope mil didn't know that we had or hadn't arranged anyone. And because sil changed her plans to help mil we dh feels that we have to get mil/sil to mind them.

OP posts:

LazyLohan · 28/08/2015 13:53

I think some people on here may not get what the peat involves and when it has to be done regarding weather etc. The OP may well be benefiting from this in the form of fuel or profits from sales too. And I think people saying 'Oh he can just cancel' don't really have much of an idea what sort of problems that could cause.

Anyway, the OP was fine with DH going as long as she was the one who asked SIL and niece to go.

OP, really it seems to me that your main problem is that you don't want MIL to spend time with your children. You were fine with exactly the same arrangement as long as she wasn't there.

YABVU because at the end of the day, this boils down to you wanting to block your mother in laws access to your children for no good reason other than you don't like her. You may not like her, that shouldn't affect your children's relationship with her. If you carry on down this road the people that will ultimately suffer is your children who are being used as a weapon in a power struggle.

clam · 28/08/2015 13:59

"If she's that bothered about it, why is she going away for the weekend and leaving a 7 week old baby in the first place?"

Just knew someone would chime in with this. Because the plan was for THE BABY's OWN FATHER to look after him.

BertrandRussell · 28/08/2015 14:00

"And because sil changed her plans to help mil we dh feels that we have to get mil/sil to mind them." But you were going to ask sil anyway!!!

peggyundercrackers · 28/08/2015 14:01

you sound crackers - you were going to ask SIL but your pissed off that MIL asked first - your cutting off your nose to spite your face...

if you go away and leave your DH with the kids he can do whatever he wants with them and give them to whoever he wants to give them to. its nowt to do with you.

Original poster

buildingafootieteam · 28/08/2015 14:05

No we had asked my mother first, my point is mil just jumped ahead and arranged it herself without checking with us about who we were getting to mind. We had asked sil and she was also busy.

OP posts:

JassyRadlett · 28/08/2015 14:05

YABVU because at the end of the day, this boils down to you wanting to block your mother in laws access to your children for no good reason other than you don't like her.

Really? I'd be quite reluctant to leave any child with an adult who denied a child's health condition.

How could you trust them to act appropriately in an emergency?

Original poster

buildingafootieteam · 28/08/2015 14:05

So mil didn't 'get there first'.

OP posts:

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