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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Crowdfunding for IVF

72 replies

MynameisKeith · 27/08/2015 16:46

I am aquainted with a couple who have recently started a Go Fund Me page to pay for the IVF treatment they want. The female has had two ectopic pregnancies, and they have been refused NHS funding because he has a daughter from a previous relationship. The dd doesn't live with them.

There have been several hints to DH and I that we should donate, however I have made him promise he won't, mainly because they are fecking useless with money. The male of the couple regularly sticks £50 in the fruit machine at the pub he dj's in, and drinks like a fish.

They spent 15k renovating their garden and having artificial grass laid at the start of the summer, they both have brand new cars, they have had two foreign holidays this year, and have already taken a loan out to cover the IVF costs.

The final straw for me was when they informed us that if the crowd funding pays for the IVF they are going to use the loan money to get married in Mexico next year.

AIBU to think they should pay for their own IV fucking F and stop trying to guilt trip their friends into it?

OP posts:
Spartans · 27/08/2015 16:48

Honestly if you know all that to be fact I would be tempted to report them to the site.

However, would people donate to this? Or enough people to raise enough?

Macadaamia · 27/08/2015 16:50

Unbelievable!!!

Selfish selfish idiots! Since when has Ivf been paid for via friends donating?

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 27/08/2015 16:51

I wouldn't donate to anybody's IVF treatment crodfunding, regardless of how financially feckless or otherwise they appear to be.

TimeToMuskUp · 27/08/2015 16:51

Wow, I know IVF is a bit of a difficult topic to judge on but if they really are living like that and expecting others to pay for their treatment, they're crazy (and possibly don't deserve it, though I know that makes me a massive bitch).

Osolea · 27/08/2015 16:52

YANBU.

Original poster
MynameisKeith · 27/08/2015 16:52

Spartans it's up to about £500 I think. Report them to the site for what? Being cheeky fuckers? The male of the couple is very close to DH, I know all of this for absolute fact.

Most of the people that have donated appear to be people they know through their day jobs. I doubt they have any idea. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
MynameisKeith · 27/08/2015 16:55

I could rant about it all day. The girl is lovely, albeit very naive, but her stbdh is a twunt.

He pays nothing for the existing dd, and sees her eow.

They can drop as many fucking hints as they like, they are not having my hard earned cash Angry

OP posts:
travellinglighter · 27/08/2015 16:59

I’m of the opinion that if they can’t afford the IVF then they can’t afford the child.

mollie123 · 27/08/2015 17:00

crowdfunding was originally to raise funds for an enterprise or project: (not for personal gain - if they need the money for IVF they should raise it themselves via a loan from a bank or friends and family - after all it is for their benefit)

Crowdfunding is the practice of funding a project or venture by raising monetary contributions from a large number of people, typically via the internet the idea being that there would be some reward for the funders (fundees?).

IMO they are being selfish but if their friends wish to support them via donations that is fine.

ValancyJane · 27/08/2015 17:00

YANBU, I think that's really poor!

KitKat1985 · 27/08/2015 17:03

YANBU. If they can afford to live like that they should pay for their own IVF.

Original poster
MynameisKeith · 27/08/2015 17:04

Blimey, I thought I'd get ripped to shreds! Shock

If they genuinely couldn't afford it I would be happy to chip in. After the second ectopic I asked them whether they would consider adoption, and the stbdh said no, because he would worry one of his mates would tell the child. Hmm

Finding out that half the village chipped in a couple of quid for your conception would be so much better, obviously! Shock

OP posts:
AbeSaidYes · 27/08/2015 17:04

Maybe leave it to their real friends and strangers to donate and just ignore it.

LurkingHusband · 27/08/2015 17:05

What a tacky site ...

DirtyMugPolice · 27/08/2015 17:07

Yanbu. That's awful. Obviously I don't know anything about them but some PCTs will fund a round of IVF if the woman donates some eggs at the same time (depending on age/quality of eggs). This might be a way for them if it's available to them. That aside - cheeky fuckers.

AbeSaidYes · 27/08/2015 17:07

"After the second ectopic I asked them whether they would consider adoption" why did you ask them this? It's a bit of an insensitive question to ask a person who has just had her second ectopic pregnancy.

Perhaps you are better off not having much to do with them?

Original poster
MynameisKeith · 27/08/2015 17:10

It wasn't straight after, It was months later, and we were discussing alternatives - even I am not that insensitive! Shock

OP posts:
AbeSaidYes · 27/08/2015 17:10

"I’m of the opinion that if they can’t afford the IVF then they can’t afford the child." this is very rude too.

Having a child and paying for their upkeep over several years is nothing like having to find or save several thousand pounds towards treatment.

Most people who have IVF do so after several years of trying naturally, then more years of other treatment during which time the urgency increases based upon the age of the mother.

Some people may be able to pluck thousands out of nowhere but most people who have IVF did not plan for it to be that way.

Klaptrap · 27/08/2015 17:11

I know someone who had a friend, who asked people for donations for special diet food. She needed to loose weight for IVF and apparently that was only possible on one of those faddy diet things, which apparently she thought she was entitled to ask people to pay for as she "couldn't afford" it. I nearly fell off of my chair when my friend told me - I thought that was the height of cheek and I feel the same here. Shock

I do feel very sorry for anyone who has to go through the trauma of infertility, but I do think, particularly if you have 15k to spend on your garden, expecting others to pay for your IVF is completely unacceptable and grabby.

Lweji · 27/08/2015 17:14

So, in fact, the crowdfunding will be used to pay for a holiday in Mexico?

Original poster
MynameisKeith · 27/08/2015 17:14

Abe, I assume that this is something close to your heart, but please understand that I am not slating anyone for having IVF, I am slating the sheer brass neck of people who spend money like water expecting friends with considerably less disposal income to fund their IVF when in actual fact they can, by living a slightly less extravagant lifestyle, afford it comfortably themselves

OP posts:
Waitingimpatient · 27/08/2015 17:15

YANBU

Iam currently having IVF we have had to go without, save up and go months between treatments saving for the next stage/cycle

Original poster
MynameisKeith · 27/08/2015 17:21

I'm leaving this thread til tomorrow now as I need to nc back before i finish work! Smile

OP posts:
AbeSaidYes · 27/08/2015 17:22

"Abe, I assume that this is something close to your heart, but please understand that I am not slating anyone for having IVF, I am slating the sheer brass neck of people who spend money like water expecting friends with considerably less disposal income to fund their IVF when in actual fact they can, by living a slightly less extravagant lifestyle, afford it comfortably themselves"

yes, I get that. But at the same time asking infertile people if they would adopt is kind of rude and makes an assumption that adoption is a good and practical alternative for people with infertility, and you did imply that these were acquaintances in the first post. Clearly from what you have posted since they are friends you don't particularly like much but who you seem to spend a lot of time with and feel comfortable having these kinds of conversations with.

blibblobblub · 27/08/2015 17:24

I’m of the opinion that if they can’t afford the IVF then they can’t afford the child.

Do you know how much IVF costs?! I've just had a baby (that I can afford) but I wouldn't have been able to afford IVF if I hadn't conceived naturally.

Anyway...

OP, YANBU. IVF is something very close to my heart as I've got family members who went through years of it, but they put in everything they had. I don't think there is anything wrong with crowdfunding something like this as such, but there is when you're pissing away your disposable income.

That said, I know of someone who is crowdfunding her wedding, and someone in America trying to raise enough for teacher training, both of which did make me a bit Hmm

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