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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Crowdfunding for IVF

72 replies

MynameisKeith · 27/08/2015 16:46

I am aquainted with a couple who have recently started a Go Fund Me page to pay for the IVF treatment they want. The female has had two ectopic pregnancies, and they have been refused NHS funding because he has a daughter from a previous relationship. The dd doesn't live with them.

There have been several hints to DH and I that we should donate, however I have made him promise he won't, mainly because they are fecking useless with money. The male of the couple regularly sticks £50 in the fruit machine at the pub he dj's in, and drinks like a fish.

They spent 15k renovating their garden and having artificial grass laid at the start of the summer, they both have brand new cars, they have had two foreign holidays this year, and have already taken a loan out to cover the IVF costs.

The final straw for me was when they informed us that if the crowd funding pays for the IVF they are going to use the loan money to get married in Mexico next year.

AIBU to think they should pay for their own IV fucking F and stop trying to guilt trip their friends into it?

OP posts:
LilyTucker · 27/08/2015 17:34

"If they can't afford IVF then they can't afford the child"- seriously.Hmm

Well the same could be said of anybody in receipt of money they don't earn eg tax credits and other benefits.

So only the rich should have children,how lovely.

As an IVF parent who funded all my own treatment I think crowd funding is a good idea however I'd prefer hospitals to set up their own accounts for parents so well wishers who wanted to could do it direct and know that was what it was spent on.

If I had the spare cash I'd gladly help a friend in need of this.

Macadaamia · 27/08/2015 18:06

But they aren't 'in need'..... The garden remember?? The wedding in Mexico..... How are they 'in need'?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 27/08/2015 18:12

I remember the Dax in New York thread on here, blimey that was heated, was that crowd funded too?

If people are daft enough to chip into something like this, more fool them, once the dosh is in the pot it's gone, the recipients can do with it as they choose.

Spartans · 27/08/2015 18:13

You can report them because they have already secured funds for ivf, which they are not telling people. Not saying anything will be done, but usually its suspended while it's being looked at, which might make them think.

Can't believe anyone gives money to this sort of thing.

hibbleddible · 27/08/2015 18:13

Yanbu

This whole crowd funding malarky has got rather out of hand!

Spartans · 27/08/2015 18:14

still yeah and that money never went where it should either, as I remember. That's why I can't believe people donate when they have no idea where the money is going.

HermioneWeasley · 27/08/2015 18:16

It's not crowd funding, it's begging!

Jesus, is it cheeky fucker season - this, the people crowd funding their year off and the people chasing their host for £1.80.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 27/08/2015 18:22

Wow that is about the most mercenary thing I've heard of ! I would feel obligated to make a large donation obvs, then feel like a pussy.... Well done op for resisting ...

goldiesoxx · 27/08/2015 18:58

We are headed for IVF and are obviously hoping it works first time as it's expensive and the time it takes to save up is time we'd rather not waste when you are getting older (ttcing 4 years and 4 early miscarriages) . That being said I'd never ask for crowd fundng for it but I'd happily donate to someone if I could and I felt that they genuinely couldn't afford it themselves and time was an issue. This particular couple however wouldn't get a penny from me, they sound like a right pair of arseholes!

Also to add to a point raised earlier, as a woman with fertility problems I do find it rude when people dismiss our struggle and headache by saying "yeah, but you can adopt" we all know it's an option but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with our infertility. I do not react badly though as I know it's generally a well intentioned comment.

HermioneWeasley · 27/08/2015 19:01

playnicely - I'm intrigued, why would you feel obliged to donate?

RachelZoe · 27/08/2015 19:02

Report them. Ridiculous. Especially since on sites like that, there are genuine people in need of medical treatments for IVF and other things, particularly Americans with no insurance etc. It makes a mockery of the whole premise of charitable crowdfunding and peoples money could be going to people who actually need it. With all those other luxuries, they can bloody well pay for it themselves.

Also, 15k on a garden???

AbbeyRoadCrossing · 27/08/2015 19:09

The thing with these websites is you can't just report them. If I ask you for a fiver to spend on some food and I e.g. spend it on alcoholic drink there's nothing you can do. Remember the Dax in New York thread? That was in national newspapers and they still spent it on other stuff than the advertised medical bills.

By the way, adoption isn't simple or easy, so I'd avoid any 'can't you just adopt' type of conversation even if well intentioned

FortyCoats · 27/08/2015 19:19

As someone who's had two eps and lost my tubes as a result, I'd be inclined to donate in good faith. I guess that's the thing about crowd funding, you have to trust the person asking for support.

In this case however, you know what's going on so YADNBU.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 27/08/2015 19:37

Because I'm easily intimidated by super confident types, and id not dare call them out.. I have lost sooo much £ to grabby " friends" I swear that some people can sense weakness.. Not even gonna start thinking about how much because I'm embarrassed. I don't do it out of kindness so wtf is my problem with saying no? My husband blanks charity workers but I can't help but stop cos it' feels rude to push past someone who is smiling at you!. : / The only people I happily give £ to is homeless people.. I am a disgrace really!

featherandblack · 27/08/2015 19:39

You know perfectly well that you're not being unreasonable. Why not report them to the site and get something done about it.

Trills · 27/08/2015 19:46

Normally in crowdfunding the funders GET something.

e.g. funding a new album and get the CD

e.g. get discounts on the first order

e.g. tickets to the first show

What will the funders get here? A chance to babysit?

Aeroflotgirl · 27/08/2015 19:49

I have heard of people doing this, and some people are so desparate, that they do, I have no problem with this, as I do not have to give. But in this situation, I most certainly would not, do not feel pressured by them.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 27/08/2015 19:51

Personally I cannot imagine a situation where I'd ever consider it.. No wedding lists or anything that might make people think of me how I think of them.. I love the softies (genuinely kind people) who wouldn't ask but would happily donate to a worthy cause.. Aw.. Why can't I be all benevolent like that? It can't be normal fork out for so many people that you secretly think badly of.. I want enlightenment, forgiveness and inner peace... Compassion for everyone etc .. I hate being a insincere bitter cynical coward !!! Which of those is easiest to change first ?

Trills · 27/08/2015 19:52

"Reporting to the site" would only work if the site has any rules about what you can ask for.

Some are just places where money can be gathered with very few restrictions beyond that.

flotillas70 · 27/08/2015 19:55

I'm stunned by some folks' sense of entitlement and arrogance.

It's like those grabbing twats who have a lavish wedding and demand cash gifts to pay for the honeymoon.

Vixxfacee · 27/08/2015 19:56

I hate the 'why don't you adopt'. Someone said that to me and although well meaning it was like a kick in the teeth to say you're infertile and they had given up on me having my own baby.

lorelei9 · 27/08/2015 20:02

YANBU

I increasingly see "Go Fund Me" as "please give me money for something I want".

LosingTheWillToSkate · 27/08/2015 20:07

If you can afford to spend £15k on a garden, go on 2 holidays this year, feed notes into a fruit machine and get married in Mexico then you can afford to pay for your IVF.

Perhaps if they prioritised IVF over holidays and lawns then they'd have the spare cash.

Original poster
MynameisKeith · 27/08/2015 20:08

Yes, 15k on having their perfectly nice lawned garden with trees ripped out and replaced with decking, tiers, artificial grass and a massive hot tub area.

For the record, the adoption conversation was part of a wider conversation about fostering, surrogacy and ivf. I didn't just leap in, I didn't suggest it, I asked whether they had thought about it. For context, a mutual friend had just been through the process.

I would have no problem donating if they genuinely needed help, but they've just had a weekend in London seeing shows etc, they do not need my hard earned money, they just want it. Different thing entirely

OP posts:
Gothgirl78 · 27/08/2015 20:15

I've looked on go fund me, if you search they come up... ( or someone very similar)I hope they aren't mums netters op !!!