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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be really hacked off with my nearly 17yo stepdaughter?

69 replies

Busyworkingmum71 · 25/08/2015 22:07

She is rude to me, talks with a sneer in her voice to me almost all the time, is lazy and contributes nothing to the house (cleaning, cooking, tidying up etc) and if I ask her to she says "it's not my bloody mess" or something similar.

My own 3 children (all 4 live with us, 2 of them are her half siblings, 1 a step sibling, she is the eldest) do not speak to her father (or me) that way. I have tried speaking to her father, my dh of 10 yrs, that I find her attitude unacceptable but he invariably lets her off the hook and she has never apologised to me.

I am the main breadwinner in the house, and fund a horse for her, arranged her prom dress with her, pay for her holidays, organised birthday parties, baked cakes etc etc. I don't mind doing this as we are very lucky to be able to afford it, and the other children get similar perks - I have literally treated her as one of my own for 10 years. In a recent argument I said something along the lines of "as your parents we don't think you should stay out so late" and she spat back "YOU are NOT my parent".

I have spoken to my dh this evening that I am not prepared to keep shelling out for her if she is going to a) behave like a spoilt brat and b) speak to me with such disrespect. Now she is earning she can start paying an appropriate ( to her meagre earnings) contribution toward her horse. He is now in a huff and barely speaking to me.

I know teenagers are a general pain in the proverbial, but.... AIBU?

OP posts:

zara020 · 25/08/2015 22:11

No yanbu. She needs to show you respect if she wants to continue to be treated well. Concentrate on getting your dh on side

BarbarianMum · 25/08/2015 22:12

AYBU? I think that only you can answer that. What would you do if one of your children behaved like that (personally I'd go ballistic and losing the horse plus other privileges would be on the cards)?

janethegirl2 · 25/08/2015 22:15

Yes I think you are being too reasonable. If she doesn't buck up her ideas I think the horse should be her responsibity, no excuses acceptable!!

goblinhat · 25/08/2015 22:17

Where is her mother?

Original poster

Busyworkingmum71 · 25/08/2015 22:18

I would go ballistic if my own dd (nearly 16) spoke to my dh, her stepdad, in that way. I would be horrified. She would get a stern talking to once, and maybe some privelige removed (ie no wifi for 24hrs, confiscate technology). If it happened again more serious consequences.

OP posts:

goblinhat · 25/08/2015 22:20

Has this recently started? You talk of having an "argument"- is this a frequent thing?

LumpySpaceCow · 25/08/2015 22:20

So if she was nice to you then you would be happy to continue paying for everything? All just sounds a bit conditional to me. I think it is good that kids learn the value of money and contributing to the horse may help with that-she is nearly an adult after all. I personally would do it for that reason though and not punitive one.

JustHavinABreak · 25/08/2015 22:22

Provided you're not doling out punishments that would not be considered for your own dc then YANBU. It sounds like you DO think of her as your own though, and she is hugely disrespectful. That may not be because you're her stepmother though. It might be just because she's 17! To be honest I think the real problem is DH.

Fairenuff · 25/08/2015 22:22

I have tried speaking to her father, my dh of 10 yrs, that I find her attitude unacceptable but he invariably lets her off the hook

He is now in a huff and barely speaking to me.

You don't have a problem with your dsd, you have a problem with your dh. Sort that out and everything else will fall into place.

Original poster

Busyworkingmum71 · 25/08/2015 22:24

Her mother lives about 10 miles away. She visits her regularly. Dsd came to live with us 2 years ago permanently because a) her mother couldn't cope with her anymore and asked us to have her and b) because dsd asked to not go back to her dm after a weekend with us (she was visiting every other weekend previously).

OP posts:

lunar1 · 25/08/2015 22:32

It sounds like she's learnt her attitude from her dad. You can't use the we're your parents line if her actual dad isn't agreeing with you and backing you up. Does he support you at all?

Original poster

Busyworkingmum71 · 25/08/2015 22:33

Lumpyspacecow - I am not suggesting that she pays towards her horse as a punitive measure. I have for sometime been suggesting that she makes a contribution as I think it would help her to appreciate what she has and respect it more (she doesn't look after the horse very well so it often falls to us, another issue). She has resisted thus far saying she can't afford anything (she is currently earning about £125/week take home, I am suggesting 50% of the farriers cost =£37.50 every 4-6 weeks).

Goblinhat - the argument was between her and her dad and I was backing him up.

OP posts:

Plomino · 25/08/2015 22:38

In that case , sell the horse . If she can't be arsed to look after it properly , let someone else who wants to, care for it . Job done .

Heyho111 · 25/08/2015 22:39

There could be bigger issues going on that are mixed with hormonal teen thing.
Read - get out my life but first take me and Alex to town. It's brilliant.
There's lots of go ballistic, take horse and nice things away. Sanctions can have the opposite effect and could make the situation worse.
I'm going to get slaughtered for saying this but here goes.
Ignore the behaviour. Keep asking her to do the chores but don't expect them to be done. One day she will do them when she grows out of this stage.
Her brain is trying to make her independent. It does this by making her feel hate towards you and her dad. It makes her want to question and refuse to follow home rules. It's her hormones not her making her react like this. She is just getting the feelings worse than others. Please read the book it will help. It made a massive difference in my house. My D went through this like your SD and it helped me deal and change the horrible situation.

goblinhat · 25/08/2015 22:43

heyho- I agree.

Teenagers need support and guidance. I'ts a difficult time, even from those kids with a stable background.

Sazzle41 · 25/08/2015 22:47

What are the consequences for the attitude and sneering? It sounds all very one sided and you are getting it thrown back in your face. If there are no consequences nothing is going to change, she isn't going to have an epiphany and realise that actually she is a spoilt madam. Equally, for you, festering and saying nothing , then eventually erupting will solve nothing.

goblinhat · 25/08/2015 22:48

that actually she is a spoilt madam. - perhaps much of that isn't the girl's own doing.

Original poster

Busyworkingmum71 · 25/08/2015 22:50

Thank you heyho111, deep down I think taking away all her priveliges will make her just hate me more. But I am torn between that, and turning her into a truly spoilt brat. But without my dh supporting me I can't really effect any change, without being the bad guy in all of this.

I think perhaps the problem I really have is with my dh

OP posts:

janethegirl2 · 25/08/2015 22:50

She's being a typical teenage 'bratling'. She will grow out of it though.

Fairenuff · 25/08/2015 22:51

If she is spoiled it is because her father gives her what she wants, not what she needs. For example, she needs rules, boundaries, responsibilities, guidance, reassurance, acceptance, etc. She does not need a horse.

goblinhat · 25/08/2015 22:51

janet- not all teenagers are like this.

lunar1 · 25/08/2015 22:53

I'd see the horse as a separate issue, if she's not looking after it properly then it's going to have to be sold.

rollonthesummer · 25/08/2015 22:53

I am the main breadwinner in the house, and fund a horse for her

Blimey. I wouldn't paying for a horse for anyone who spoke to me like that!

Sell it.

BarbarianMum · 25/08/2015 22:57

Janet - they don't all grow out of it. There are hundreds of threads on here about entitled adults who trest people like shit and get frustrated when the world fails to revolve around them.

UrethraFranklin1 · 25/08/2015 22:57

Your real problem is that your DH isn't supporting you. He needs to get on board, and you need to treat her the same way as you would the others.

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