AIBU to be really hacked off with my nearly 17yo stepdaughter?

[Busyworkingmum71]

She is rude to me, talks with a sneer in her voice to me almost all the time, is lazy and contributes nothing to the house (cleaning, cooking, tidying up etc) and if I ask her to she says "it's not my bloody mess" or something similar.

My own 3 children (all 4 live with us, 2 of them are her half siblings, 1 a step sibling, she is the eldest) do not speak to her father (or me) that way. I have tried speaking to her father, my dh of 10 yrs, that I find her attitude unacceptable but he invariably lets her off the hook and she has never apologised to me.

I am the main breadwinner in the house, and fund a horse for her, arranged her prom dress with her, pay for her holidays, organised birthday parties, baked cakes etc etc. I don't mind doing this as we are very lucky to be able to afford it, and the other children get similar perks - I have literally treated her as one of my own for 10 years. In a recent argument I said something along the lines of "as your parents we don't think you should stay out so late" and she spat back "YOU are NOT my parent".

I have spoken to my dh this evening that I am not prepared to keep shelling out for her if she is going to a) behave like a spoilt brat and b) speak to me with such disrespect. Now she is earning she can start paying an appropriate ( to her meagre earnings) contribution toward her horse. He is now in a huff and barely speaking to me.

I know teenagers are a general pain in the proverbial, but.... AIBU?

but surely a step-parent is a parent

In that case op, it sounds like you have made every effort and have a good relationship with her, but have inherited problems that go back to her dm and earlier parts of her childhood which must be very difficult to handle.

(And that is definitely why your dh has to play a greater role in disciplining her.)

I agree with Osolea
" I think this is one of those situations where you just put your head down, keep doing what you're doing with the boundaries etc, and wait for it to pass."

And pray that your consistent boundaries and persistence will win the day.

If she's rude to you again - very rude rather than just eye-rolling or muttering - tell her quietly and calmly that you're not going to listen and just walk away or turn away.

At her age many/most teenagers are so self-absorbed it doesn't occur to them to be grateful for parental help/money/patience so there's no point withdrawing these as a punishment for being rude.

Tell her (briskly and calmly) that she must choose whether to look after her horse herself or whether to sell it. Her choice. (FWIW) my 15YO DD wasn't looking after the rabbits as agreed so I told her she must choose whether to do her share or agree to the rabbits going to a better home. She said she'd rather they didn't go to a new home but
she couldn't be bothered looking after them so if I managed to rehome them fair enough!!

Try not to get openly angry with her or your DH. Instead refuse to engage if she is rude and don't give her lifts or 'extras' if she asks but tell her you don't feel like being kind at the moment/this evening/whatever as she has been rude.

FWIW - I don't ask my teens to do much to help around the house. They're so unreasonable they think you're the wicked witch of the west if you make ask them to do any extras. If she does her own laundry and room and works she's doing a lot more than a lot of other teenagers.

I disagree. Teenagers, especially older ones, are learning how to be adults. They can and should be doing their fair share of housework and should certainly be respectful when communicating.

It does have to be taught, preferably from a young age but starting now would be fine. She isn't going to suddenly mature and become kind, well mannered and responsible unless she has proper consequences for her rudeness. It simply won't happen on it's own. She will continue to be like this when she is 25 and still living at home because she expects to be waited on and allowed to do what she wants.

She will become more independant and appreciative after she leaves home but can you really see that happening. Can you see her holding down a job and doing all her own budgeting, cleaning, etc. I think she will be with you for a long time yet so it's imperative that you make those changes now.

I was a lovely teen to everyone except my mother. She would threaten to withhold lifts, and I would find my manners for a while. I think it is OK to demand a certain degree of respect from everyone in your home. (I didn't at 15, but I would behave if I was made to).

I think encouraging the sale of the horse is fair enough, make it dependent on behaviour if need be. If I were in her shoes (as a bratty teen) I would be pushing to keep the money from the sale if it were "my" horse. You and DH may want to decide where you stand on that before she suggests it.

OP considering your post above, where you state all that you have done her, I think you should just take the word "step" out of the equation and treat her as one of your (yours and your DH's), children. (I know that doesn't help much.)

UPDATE: thank you all for your posts and comments, it has helped me figure this out and put it in perspective,

She is a mixed up kid. The break down of her parents marriage blew her world apart and everything stems from that I think. She is also 17yo (nearly) and dealing with all that goes with that.

I was very Very hurt about the not being her parent comment, and defensively I think I have become angrier with her. I have backed off doing much with her since (it was months ago), withdrawn from her. And the situation has been gradually getting worse. I need to suck it up.

She left to go to her dm's yesterday for 10 days, and I had a chat with her before she left as I didn't want her leaving with such an atmosphere between us. I told her I loved her and that it upsets me when she shouts at me or speaks to me with a sneer. She instantly said she was sorry, she loved me too, and that I was the best stepmum she could wish for (and I got all teary). I said I was sorry too, we hugged and she left looking a much happier kid. I hope she grows into a nice adult, not a mean spirited angry one who can't show love and affection.

Thank you all again. X

Thank you for updating. Hopefully a break from each other will do a power of good.

IME 14-16/17 is the most difficult stage so hopefully you're almost past the worst.

A final thought - if she doesn't take a vitamin/mineral supplement for women of child-bearing age she would probably benefit from taking one. They often help significantly with PMT.

She is very lucky to have you in her life op and it sounds like she knows that deep down.

Her parent's split is not really an excuse for her behaviour, I think people are far too quick to excuse such things really. My parents split before I was born and I was involved in truly venomous family strife as a result. I would never have dreamt of behaving in the way the OP's stepdaughter has been behaving though even though there were times when I felt desperately sad and insecure as a result. Actions have consequences and I really believe that the sooner people learn this the better. I would continue giving her lots of time & love but any rude or defiant behaviour would mean that 'treats' would be removed. Teenagers need boundaries as well as love, time & affection - they make them feel safe.

The consequence of talking rudely will be that OP will refuse to listen. OP will be modelling mature adult behaviour by calmly asserting herself without resorting to punishments. Removing treats would be treating her like a younger child IMO.

Adults often lose privileges if they behave badly so it is in no way infantilising her to do the same. Refusing to listen will surely only make her feel more lost and impotent, you always listen even if you don't agree and make it clear that you don't agree. You can still be kind but set clear boundaries.

She hit her mum?? Erm that's a problem!

Glad to hear you've sorted something out. Perhaps you can learn from this that it's not always good to be nicey nicey. Everyone needs boundaries, teenagers esp. You've shown her you're not prepared to accept her treating you like shit.

As for your husband wanting a 'quiet life'. Not good enough! He needs to step up and stop being a lazy parent. A selfish parent AND husband, actually.

Springy, he really isn't a lazy dad, he does most of the housework, all the school runs (younger kids), packed lunches all round, cooks dinner, looks after animals (as I am away so much), and runs his own fledgling business from home. He also fixes everything that the rest of the family break, be it a cupboard door, the lawnmower, a car., the cesspit. His weakness is conflict and confrontation, he hates it and avoids it at all costs. This means not only is he a lovely dad, he is a master at jollying the kids out of strops and sulks. I agree that this is often avoiding the real issue and I sometimes see this as rewarding undesirable behaviour (with laughing, joking, games). I know we need to work on this.

Emotionally lazy, obvs.

Glad to hear things are better, OP!
Thanks for the update!

So glad to find this discussion!
I have no kids of my own, but have been dating a widower for a year who has 2 teenage daughters. The 17 year old is lovely, the 14 year old is a Jeckle and Hyde. We are thinking of moving in together, and have just been on a one week away holiday to test the waters, particularly with the 14 year old.
We booked a very expensive villa, and we have both been at their beck and call all week (both in action and financially). To say it has been a horror holiday would be an understatement!
The 14 year old told both my partner and myself to F off on several occasions, she also calls him by his first name rather than dad in a sarcastic tone which I find incredibly offensive. She was on her phone 24/7, including when out to dinner, and was only ever happy for the first 10 minutes of going somewhere while she did a 'photo shoot' and then became sullen and abusive again.
We gave the girls the best room with ensuite in the villa, but she wanted to use our bathroom as it had a bath, and each time threw my things on the floor, which got soaked in the process. She also barged in shouting on several occasions to our room early in the morning without knocking, which as we were sleeping seemed an invasion of space. (Most days she didn't wake up until 10, but these episodes would be around 6am)
I am at the end of my tether, and have no idea what to do. I am a teacher, so am used to dealing with teenagers, but this is different. I am gentle and kind with her, and always put the girls first.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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dating this thread is from 2015.

I'd advise you to start your own thread to get advice on your particular problem. You can copy and paste your post so that you don't have to type it all out again!

Many thanks, I have started a new thread.