AIBU to be really hacked off with my nearly 17yo stepdaughter?

[Busyworkingmum71]

She is rude to me, talks with a sneer in her voice to me almost all the time, is lazy and contributes nothing to the house (cleaning, cooking, tidying up etc) and if I ask her to she says "it's not my bloody mess" or something similar.

My own 3 children (all 4 live with us, 2 of them are her half siblings, 1 a step sibling, she is the eldest) do not speak to her father (or me) that way. I have tried speaking to her father, my dh of 10 yrs, that I find her attitude unacceptable but he invariably lets her off the hook and she has never apologised to me.

I am the main breadwinner in the house, and fund a horse for her, arranged her prom dress with her, pay for her holidays, organised birthday parties, baked cakes etc etc. I don't mind doing this as we are very lucky to be able to afford it, and the other children get similar perks - I have literally treated her as one of my own for 10 years. In a recent argument I said something along the lines of "as your parents we don't think you should stay out so late" and she spat back "YOU are NOT my parent".

I have spoken to my dh this evening that I am not prepared to keep shelling out for her if she is going to a) behave like a spoilt brat and b) speak to me with such disrespect. Now she is earning she can start paying an appropriate ( to her meagre earnings) contribution toward her horse. He is now in a huff and barely speaking to me.

I know teenagers are a general pain in the proverbial, but.... AIBU?

the girl is using you and disrespecting you . She learned this from her father who is doing the same to you .

YABU to refer to yourself as her parent.

To her, that means you're replacing her mum.

YANBU for any of the rest of it.

However, I do feel a bit sorry for her. After all, she had no choice in becoming your stepchild and living with 3 other kids, one of whom is not even related to her, whereas you were the one who married a man with kid/s. Which is never going to be easy!

Surprised no-one appears to have asked yet:
Were you the OW?!!!

Sorry, I see it was partially her choice to live with you.

But that does makes me wonder how bad things must have been with her DM then! Also, poor kid must feel pretty rejected by her own DM if she knows her DM asked you to have her.

I confess to being one who believes "blended" families are largely unworkable. Better to wait til your kids are 18 before you move onto your next partner.

"Better to wait til your kids are 18 before you move on to your next partner"????

Left, do you mean in general or are you advising the OP on what to do next? Seriously hope it's not the latter.

Unfortunately I agree that you have a DH problem, rather than a stepchild problem. It's very convenient of him to convert valid criticisms of his parenting into personal attacks on his daughter, isn't it? Means he can feel loyal to his child rather than ineffectual as a parent. Much pleasanter emotion.

I also think you may benefit from couple's counselling. You can say how you feel and your DH will have to listen to you, and have his behaviours and assumptions challenged.

Incidentally, I don't agree that you aren't a parent. You are not her mother, no, but you are a parent. You have earned that in a decade of love, care, and very generous expenditure.

Part of this will be being 17 I expect.

Does your DH think her behaviour is fine or is it that he thinks it isn't fine but you are too harsh?

Can you sit down together and discuss ideas from both of you about how to tackle this? Try to find a way to work together rather than you laying down the rules and him not backing you?

Must be an exasperating and a very difficult situation

Please don't take what I am about to say the wrong way.

Your op highlights you being the breadwinner, how you fund her horse, pay for her prom dress, pay for holidays, parties, etc.

Those things are lovely and she is very lucky to have them, but how is your actual relationship with her? Do you and her do things together that don't involve consumption (genuinely don't mean this in a critical way although I know it doesn't sound like it). You say that your other dc have these things too, but are all the things getting in the way of an actual relationship - do you talk, do you spend time together, do you talk to her about her life/her friends/her future etc.

In my experience, teenagers don't necessarily respect parents who give them lots of treats. They are certainly not a substitute for a 'real' relationship. She maybe doesn't value the material things so much because she feels (from her perspective) that she is not valued in the ways that she feels count? Is she happy at school? Is she happy in other ways?

Do you praise her for the things she does do well or are you trapped in a negative cycle of nagging and shouting (from both of you)?

Of course she could just be being typically teenager-ish and brattish (and I too recommend the 'Get out of my life book'. It certainly helps to see things through their eyes. As others have said, the brain chemistry of teens is a bit mangled, they still need lots of love and praise and guidance despite all the huffy messages they give out.

Agree with others who say you really need to get your dh on board too.

I'm not suprised she snapped at you for the parents bit. You're not her mum, not her parent. However, that does not mean she shouldn't show you respect. Her dad should be stepping in more, and no one can blame you for being stern with her when she brings a foul attitude into the house - it casts a dark cloud over everyone when one family member is constantly in a mood.

Is there anything in particular that may be bothering her? At this age, can only assume she is in the middle of 6th form or college, any worries in that area for next year? I wouldn't bring how much you spend on her into it - my mother did that, it drove me spare that all she could mention was money, never sat down and asked what was going on in my life, just threats of cutting me off whenever I became stressed (was having a difficult school time, also had much younger siblings who were, at the time, nothing but a major PITA to my hormonal teen self). Perhaps she feels she's not being treated as a near adult? With much younger children around, being in that horrid in-between place can make you feel disjointed and not knowing your own place in the family. Does she get much one-on-one time with her dad? Perhaps she feels adulthood is coming along fast, and he's got a younger family to spend time with, leaving her out of the picture because she's expected to be 'older and responisble'.

Obviously, many assumptions here. The best thing to do is to sit down (her and dad, but you as well, if you honestly don't think he can do it alone), and make clear you will not be treated badly in your own home. Tell her she's loved and welcomed, always part of the family - but families work as a team, and she's not doing her part. Say how you know that this time of transition feels so difficult, but she's only making it harder for herself by being so constantly negative. Ask if there is anything she feels she wants to share, if she has any problems. Just keep a balance of reminding her she's loved, but no one has to put up with constant bad behaviour, and if she feels that she cannot change this attitude, then privalages will be lost.

If the OP is not a parent in this situation then what is she? A cash cow that doesn't deserve politeness it seems!

Firstly not all teenagers are like this but according to mn it is. She is an absolute disrespectful, ungrateful brat! Her own mother could not cope with her so why should you be more tolerant. In a year she'll be 18 and what could you really say to her by then. If your own do aren't allowed to get away with this behaviour then she shouldn't either. Maybe she needs to start spending time at her mother's place more regularly. You shouldn't have to put up with this constantly. And her father can follow too if he continues to allow you to be treated in this way.

What actually went wrong with her DM? Don't take this the wrong way but did DSD have her head turned by the nice life she could be having with her own horse etc?
15 year olds are difficult I don't think I would allow a 15 YO to decide who she would reside with ft unless there was more to than she was just being difficult for her DM. It has to be a bit of a fantasy for a 15 year old child if she were living in an ordinary home with boundaries to live with a DF with no expectations of her behaviour who lets her do as she pleases and rewards her with a horse among other perks.
Obviously I might be WAY off the mark and her DM might not have been equipped to cope, as a lp who has a much lower budget than my dc's df it fills me with dread that I could loose him to the more fun parent.

She's 16 and she's being a brat. It's hard to live with but if she's been brought up well so far, she will return to being a normal human being soon.

I think the fact that you're talking about how much you provide for her financially is telling, because I doubt you'd go on about how much you've paid for when your biological children are being bratty stroppy teenagers, and it's not her fault that her parents circumstances have dictated that a step parent pay for things for her just so that she gets the same as her siblings.

I think people on MN can be too inclined to jump to the 'ungrateful brat about to turn into a horrible adult' conclusion. Most people I know had brattish phases as teenagers where they were vile to live to with, and they all turned out to be lovely. I think this is one of those situations where you just put your head down, keep doing what you're doing with the boundaries etc, and wait for it to pass.

If she allows you to fund her lifestyle like a parent would then she can suck up you acting like a parent in other ways. She sounds spoiled and unappreciative.

Is a step-parent not a parent then?

She sounds like a brat - but like others here are saying, its normal teenager behaviour

The only thing i can add, is that at this age she will be looking for boundaries and pushing against them to see how far she can go, if you dont put them in place, she will think that you dont care enough to (speaking from experience here) She needs clear defined boundaries to push against

If she allows you to fund her lifestyle like a parent would

If she allows it?? What a horrible thing to say, this is a sixteen year old you're talking about, not an adult. She didn't make the choices that led to her parents needing a step parent to pay for her, she has not 'allowed' anything!

She's 16, if she doesn't like her step mum then she can say she doesn't want her buying things fof her. Simple. Not nasty. She sounds like a disrespectful wee madam. Why should op put up with that?

I feel for the horse here. If she can't look after it she shouldn't have it.

And yes, your DH is the problem. He has to commit to treating all the children the same, and that means you and him presenting a united front.

Would you expect a child to say the same to their biological parent Paul?

How often do you hear of teenagers telling their parents not to bother providing for them?

It's not providing, it's extras. A frickin horse and prom dresses aren't a necessity.

A horse isn't neccesary, but a suitable outfit to wear to a school event is IMO. If she's not looking after the horse, then she shouldn't get to keep the horse, that's fair enough and that should be enforced by the parents, but you can't reasonably expect a 16 year old to pipe up with 'I don't like my step mum and because she and my father have arranged for her to be the breadwinner in the household, I don't want to be provided with things anymore'.

It is completely irrelevant that OP is the breadwinner and pays for things in this girls head. She has no responsibility for the fact that her parents aren't paying for her, and like every other child, she has the right to be provided for by her parents.

Only read the op but your dh is being unreasonable. No way would I let my child speak like that to anyone.

Equally, you shouldn't really be calling yourself her parent as you are not.

She should look after her own horse. She sounds rather spoiled and that needs to be nipped in the bud quickly

I would be angry at your dh that he isn't supporting you in this situation. He should be making clear boundaries with his dd, including not allowing her to be disrespectful to you.

She is disrespectful, and doesn't look after her horse properly. I would give her a final chance, and if she fails then sell the horse. Make it clear that if she wants the privilege of having a horse she needs to do x in terms of horse care and x in terms of household duties and behaviour.

Are you doing her laundry? Tidying her room?

If the OP is not a parent in this situation then what is she? A cash cow that doesn't deserve politeness it seems!

Exactly. If this was her own child, I bet she would be able to say, 'don't speak to me like that or x y privileges are withdrawn'

A horse is a massive privilege.

Oooh, so many replies! Where to start???

Leftmy, no I was not the OW, but it is an obvious question. Dsd's DM left my DH (her dh at the time, dsd was 5) as she was having an affair with the df of one of dsd's school friends (confirmed to me by dsd in a passing comment when she was 8 and too young to understand what she was saying, I did not elicit it out of her!). I met dh about a year after she left him.

Whilst my op does focus on all I pay for for dsd, that is not the sole basis of our relationship, but perhaps where I have got to with my frustration with her. Yes I organised her prom dress, yes I paid for it, I also organised taking her for fittings, shopping for jewellery for the event, to get her nails done and her hair done. I took photos of her and told her how gorgeous she looked (and she did). I did all this because her df is clearly not going to be good at all this girl stuff, and her dm just wasn't making any moves to do anything about it. We share the horsey interest, I have one too and we ride together when I can and am at home (although often away with work).

When she lived with her DM, she was swearing at her, hitting and punching her ( age 13-14), truanting constantly, staying up on school nights til midnight watching films and posting stuff on FB so we knew what her night time habits were. We were desperate for her to come and live with us because she was going off the rails, her DM was not coping and we love her, we do. I want the best for her, as well as my 3 other dc, and not just materially. I want her to be happy. That's all.

As I am away with work so much I think she gets plenty of time with her df when I am 'out of the way'. It may not be always 1:1 quality time, but I guess that's modern busy family life.

I disagree that I cannot call myself a parent. I do not try to replace her DM, but it takes more than genetics to make a parent. I have baked her birthday cakes, put plasters on cut knees, wiped away tears when she's fallen out with friends or a boyfriend. I have told her she is special and loved, and given praise when it's due. But I think there has to be a balance. I should equally be able to say you are not looking after your horse properly, or your bedroom is a mess, or could you please hang out the laundry and not get a mouthful of abuse.

Hibble, no I don't do her laundry or tidy her room. I don't do that for my own 15yo dd either, as I think at their age they should be able to keep their own space in a liveable state (not immaculate, just not a hogs den) and be able to work a washing machine.

I think I perhaps need to sit down with dh, again, and try to get him onside. He is a very tolerant easy going guy, who just wants a quiet life without any conflict. So do i!