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AIBU?

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Original poster

Culture clashes over mealtimes...

75 replies

TheHouseOnTheLane · 24/08/2015 03:10

I'm in Oz where DH is from. It's great...but we've been very surprised by what seems to be a normal thing here regarding kids and meals.

We've been to 3 separate friend's homes for lunch or dinner....this involves usually 3 or 4 couples and their children...we all have DC ranging between 3 and 11 and there are about 7 of them between us.

We've found that the adults will prep a lunch....salad, chicken, rice dishes etc and then seat the adults while the kids are expected to carry on playing in the (huge) gardens and then later, the kids are given cheese sandwiches or pasta.

DH and I were a bit Hmm when we saw this was what was happening the first time but didn't say much as we didn't really compute...when DD2 wandered up to the table, he simply gave her a plate of "the adult food" and nobody seemed to comment but I suppose they might not have noticed....what do we do if this carries on?

Our DC are 11 and 7 and eat anything....they'll think it very odd (and unfair!) if they're expected to sit with the other kids and have cheese sandwiches when there are lovely salads and chicken for adults!

We're not yet in our own house and we#re staying with DHs Aunt so can't have anyone round to eat yet...but when we do, do we follow our friend's leads and serve the DC separately? I don't think I can bring myself not to offer all the DC the same as us!

I could do a "Bland" option for their kids along with some small plates on the lunch table couldn't I? It IS odd isn't it?

OP posts:
Mermaidhair · 24/08/2015 03:55

I am an Aussie and have never ever come across this. It is always the kids who get to eat first! This isn't just in my family, it is with my church and different groups of friends. Not a cultural thing at all. It could just be who you are associating with. Is it raining where you are? It has just started pouring here.

Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 24/08/2015 03:57

Mermaid they're all such lovely people that I can't work out why they do it! They are SO thoughtful and nice in other ways. Perhaps they've got into the habit from when the children were a lot smaller and just not realised that they can eat the same food as adults?

It might just be thoughtlessness. I think all we can do is lead by example but bow down to their habits when we are in their homes. Would you agree?

OP posts:
Mermaidhair · 24/08/2015 03:57

You are welcome to come to one of our get togethers and I'll show youWink

Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 24/08/2015 03:57

No rain here no.

OP posts:
Mermaidhair · 24/08/2015 04:01

You could be right. Why don't you start taking along some extra dishes and mention that they are your children's favourite. Aussies are really laid back, could you just mention that your are find to eat the "adult food"?

TerrorAustralis · 24/08/2015 04:19

Another Aussie here and this isn't something I've seen before. IME kids will be seated and fed first. They might be given/eat some of the blander options, or if it's a barbecue, things like sausages instead of steak. Or if my DN demand to eat all the avocado out of the salad before anyone else has a chance to have any

Once kids are sorted with food, adults will serve themselves. Kids go off to play once they're finished and come back a while later when dessert is served.

MidniteScribbler · 24/08/2015 04:31

Born and bred aussie and have never seen this happen. Like others have said, children might have a slightly different option (sausages instead of steak, or salad dressing might be left to the side in case they don't like it), but usually kids get served first.

Scotinoz · 24/08/2015 04:59

I'm in Australia. Not normal where I am. Children and adults eat the same. They may get parked on a picnic blanket in the garden instead of the table if it's that kind of get together.

Moopsboopsmum · 24/08/2015 05:07

Maybe their kids were/are fussy eaters so this is what they do/have always done. Or perhaps someone told them that UK kids are fussy/eat different food. Just speak to them about it!

Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 24/08/2015 05:17

Terror that's another thing we noticed when we were here a couple of summers ago....sausages and burgers for the kids, steak, fish and chicken for the adults...again not something I'd ever do. Mine love steak, fish and chicken!

Moops no it's not a new thing...I never mentioned in my OP but it's happened in the past too.

OP posts:
WorktoLive · 24/08/2015 05:30

Reverse? Stealth boast?

The sort of behaviour you describe seems more 'British' than foreign anyway - we (the Brits) are usually the ones who seem to assume our children will only eat plain rubbish food instead of 'normal adult' food like chicken, salad and rice.

There was a thread not so long ago where a poster of Greek origin was mostly found to be unreasonable for not serving sausages and burgers at her BBQ (she had a wide range of lovely meats, sides and salads but it was too 'adult' for DCs).

Moopsboopsmum · 24/08/2015 05:58

I thought stealth boast too Work I have a very fussy eater so he would always eat something else on his own, e.g. Plain with no sauce etc. That wouldn't stop me from offering everyone else the 'adult' food. And I would be very impressed with and envious of the parents of children who ate it! Blush

MidniteScribbler · 24/08/2015 06:06

Usually kids get the sausage option because mostly they are happiest to have a sausage in bread and keep playing. Usually they want to eat as quickly as possible and get back in the pool. Adults then get to sit around and eat at leisure and chat while the kids get on with it.

Just a tip OP, if you go to a dinner and your child is served sausages (or cheese sandwiches), or there is a kids table and an adult table, do NOT set your children up at the adult table and insist they eat the adult food. Nothing would infuriate people more than someone who does this, whilst an adult gets stuck eating a sausage (or nothing at all) and standing up or sitting at the kids table themselves. Your children will survive with sausages for one evening instead of filet mignon. You can do whatever you like at your own home, but when you are a guest in someone else's home, you go with the flow.

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 24/08/2015 06:07

Perhaps the two sittings are for space at the table/ not enough chairs reasons, and the pasta and cheese sandwiches / sausages are to keep costs down!

I've never lived in Oz but its the kind of thing my parent's generation thought was normal/ what you did... on both counts (kids fed separately at large gatherings - though tended to be simultaneous but in a different room; kids in the kitchen supervised by an 11 or 12 year old and parents in the dining room if such a room was available, also sometimes "children's" food which would be far cheaper "everyday" type food while the "adult" food which was meant to impress guests and might have broken the budget if it had had to be supplied for a large number of kids.

I don't think people of "our" generation (as in parents of youngish kids now) would tend to do this... but 6 year olds who love steak and chicken at home are often inclined to nibble a bit then leave it in the excitement of a party... perhaps the sheer financial waste of throwing away 90% of each portion of expensive high quality food covered in ketchup nibbled at by children a few times is what made your new friends move to the set up you describe at parties...

If you airily request point out that your children would rather a steak than a bowl of pasta you are upping the budget for your hosts so you need to be fairly sure not only that your children eats steak at home/ in a restaurant but that they'll stay at the table to eat most or all of it in an exciting, informal environment with lots of children who are not eating steaks, even when other kids have just had a few forks of pasta and got down after 2 mins to play and run again...

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 24/08/2015 06:10

or what Midnight said!

WishIWasWonderwoman · 24/08/2015 06:17

I think maybe this is something your friendship group got stuck in whilst the kids were younger and more fussy and the group have not yet outgrown it, particularly if the littlest ones are still toddlers. Perhaps that will start to change as they get older?

If there is plenty of food to go around I would let my kids eat from the adult table, if not too much food then from the children's table.

When you get around to hosting your own, I would recommend having two tables but serving the same food to everyone (with an extra plain option for children).

MamehaSan · 24/08/2015 06:18

How depressing that a poster who's kids eat normal, everyday healthy food (rather than crap) is accused of "stealth boasting" Hmm

VodkaValiumLattePlease · 24/08/2015 06:25

I'm sorry but if my family got invited as guests somewhere and my kids were expected to eat at a separate table with junk food I'd be looking at you sideways and mentally cross you off the Christmas card list.

PrimalLass · 24/08/2015 06:29

they'll think it very odd (and unfair!)
It might just be thoughtlessness.
I think all we can do is lead by example
bow down to their habits
_

OP, if this is what you think of your new 'friends' then I'm not sure they'll be your friends for long. Because one day you'll let it slip that you think you are better then them.

PrimalLass · 24/08/2015 06:30

*than them

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 24/08/2015 06:34

Really Vodka? Its just at parties, not a regular thing, and they're being offered pasta and cheese sandwiches, not turkey twizzlers and deep fried sugar and mono-sodium glutamate... Move to a new country and start "looking at everyone sideways and crossing them off the Christmas list" because they don't do things your way and you're going to be one of the ex-pats who never fits in and wants to go "home" after a year.

Moopsboopsmum · 24/08/2015 06:34

MamehaSan the OP was implying that the plain kid's food was not good enough for her two = stealth boast. Her kids are so middle class that they don't eat 'chav crap' like pasta and cheese sandwiches. She may not have realised that Aussies don't care about all that sort of snooty one upmanship.

nooka · 24/08/2015 06:36

Seems a bit surprising for older children, but I see that the OP's elder child is the oldest and that there are younger children than her younger child. I think that this is just a pattern they have got into that works for them. It's not something I would do and am surprised that the children aren't fed first. Oh and whilst dd at 7 would probably have been fine/happy with a cheese sandwich, neither of them at 11 would have been at all happy. I wonder at what age they'd think a child would be old enough to join the adult table? My 13 year old is both adult sized and has an adult appetite and has done for a bit now.

nooka · 24/08/2015 06:39

Why is it one upmanship to say that your children don't need or particularly want a plain small child's meal? I don't think that a cheese sandwich is 'chavvy' - who does? It's just a bit boring when you could eat salad, chicken and rice, which again is not a particularly fancy or posh meal.

My dd went throguh a very very plain stage and now eats most things, she wasn't 'chavvy' back then and she's not 'snooty' now, same child just a bit more grown up.

VodkaValiumLattePlease · 24/08/2015 06:50

Yes Iliked as an adult I can decide what behaviour is acceptable and unacceptable for me, and if that behaviour is unacceptable to me I have a right to withdraw that friendship.

Giving an 11 year old a bloody cheese sandwich or a bowl of basic pasta at a 'party' is wanky!