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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Culture clashes over mealtimes...

75 replies

TheHouseOnTheLane · 24/08/2015 03:10

I'm in Oz where DH is from. It's great...but we've been very surprised by what seems to be a normal thing here regarding kids and meals.

We've been to 3 separate friend's homes for lunch or dinner....this involves usually 3 or 4 couples and their children...we all have DC ranging between 3 and 11 and there are about 7 of them between us.

We've found that the adults will prep a lunch....salad, chicken, rice dishes etc and then seat the adults while the kids are expected to carry on playing in the (huge) gardens and then later, the kids are given cheese sandwiches or pasta.

DH and I were a bit when we saw this was what was happening the first time but didn't say much as we didn't really compute...when DD2 wandered up to the table, he simply gave her a plate of "the adult food" and nobody seemed to comment but I suppose they might not have noticed....what do we do if this carries on?

Our DC are 11 and 7 and eat anything....they'll think it very odd (and unfair!) if they're expected to sit with the other kids and have cheese sandwiches when there are lovely salads and chicken for adults!

We're not yet in our own house and we#re staying with DHs Aunt so can't have anyone round to eat yet...but when we do, do we follow our friend's leads and serve the DC separately? I don't think I can bring myself not to offer all the DC the same as us!

I could do a "Bland" option for their kids along with some small plates on the lunch table couldn't I? It IS odd isn't it?

OP posts:

Original poster

TheHouseOnTheLane · 24/08/2015 08:52

Bake Oh right. Same thing.

OP posts:

Sansoora · 24/08/2015 08:52

Its hard work going to live abroad and trying to get your head around new ways of doing things and most people want to get it right from the start so Im sure this is why the OP is trying to work it all out.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 24/08/2015 08:56

Make sure you're doing your own thing at Christmas.

Madmum24 · 24/08/2015 08:56

I think it has been established that it is not an Aussie tradition; rather these friends' preferences.

Horses for courses really; I met someone once who deemed potato wedges to be "fancy"

MidniteScribbler · 24/08/2015 08:57

Just out of curiosity OP, did you offer to take anything along? Next time you could say 'would you like me to make up some lobster thermidor for the children?'.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 24/08/2015 09:01

Lobster Thermidor, My God I am dribbling at the thought of that .

Sansoora · 24/08/2015 09:01

'would you like me to make up some lobster thermidor for the children?'.

Good idea. Its a really easy to make and transports well.

PrimalLass · 24/08/2015 09:14

Prima leading by example is not a way of saying I'm better than anyone...sometimes we all lead by example. It's normal and only someone with a massive chip would try to say they had never done that or indeed followed someone else's example. You'd need a MASSIVE ego to deny that.

If you can't understand that the way you worded this is coming over as 'we are better than them so will show them how it should be done,' then good luck with keeping your friends.

Sansoora · 24/08/2015 09:18

If you can't understand that the way you worded this is coming over as 'we are better than them so will show them how it should be done,' then good luck with keeping your friends

I dont see it that way at all. I see it as someone who's gone to live abroad and is confused about the way things are done, and should she do it 'her way' when she has her own home or take up what may be a 'new way' of doing things if its the done thing in general.

BeachysFlipFlops · 24/08/2015 09:18

I think it's just a timing thing. If I have multiple families over, I would quite often prepare a meal for the kids (lasagna and peas) and then they bugger off and play/watch a film/hang out while the adults have a long uninterrupted meal, where they can chat, drink wine and something that might be more to their taste.

It's just a practical solution - no slur intended on anyone's children.

Also for indoor parties, I don't have that many seats and I don't particularly want kids eating lasagna on their laps

PrimalLass · 24/08/2015 09:22

To say 'should I do it my way' is one thing. To say 'should I lead by example' is twattish.

Original poster

TheHouseOnTheLane · 24/08/2015 09:23

Prima thanks for the advice...but your own posts show that if anyone might have a bit of trouble in the social dept it could be you...

Sansoora thanks very much for that excellent breakdown of what was in fact my intention in starting this thread! it IS tricky in a new culture...I don't know what the norm is.

OP posts:

Sansoora · 24/08/2015 09:27

To say 'should I lead by example' is twattish.

Its not really but we can have different opinions on it

I think perhaps I understood it for what it is because Ive spent my life surrounded by people settling into a new country and culture and quite often in trying to get it right they can appear to be getting it wrong when in fact its all very innocent.

Original poster

TheHouseOnTheLane · 24/08/2015 09:31

Also, to whoever asked if I brought anything to the lunch ...no..only my massively steak and seafood hungry children....who expected caviar and champagne....and who were outraged to be given white bread and cheese.

Of course I bloody brought something! I made a dessert and brought wine.

OP posts:

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 24/08/2015 09:32

house you're sounding cross.

What time is it there?

Original poster

TheHouseOnTheLane · 24/08/2015 09:36

SanDiego I'm not cross! Quite the opposite. I was soothed by Sansoora's understanding.

OP posts:

Sansoora · 24/08/2015 09:46

house you're sounding cross.

Considering some of replies a person could hardly be blamed for being a bit cross.

But this is going the way you would expect of an AIBU thread - A quite deliberate wind up from some of those replying. Put the boot in when replying then have a go at the OP for being cross.

If the OP has any sense she'll go and have a cuppa and not bother coming back to the thread.

Goshthatsspicy · 24/08/2015 10:06

I think you should hide this thread now op
What a mess!

One massive misunderstanding, and then the following " stealth boasting" parrots!

When you get a chance to host yourself, your friends will probably see another way of doing things.

I lived in another culture for ages...just be grateful op that you didn't have to learn to love' mushy cheesy margarine -Y potato -from a crockpot!

ohtheholidays · 24/08/2015 10:10

YANBU at all OP,our children sound very similar to yours when it comes to what food they'd prefer.

Myself and DH hate when we eat out anywhere as a family,because so many restaurants offer chips with everything on they're childrens menus.
That's fine if your children like what's on the kiddies menus and if you only eat out occasionaly but if your eating out a couple of times a week or even once a week it's not great.

It's the same if your invited to a friends for a meal/bbq ect and the children are fed so differently to the adults.
I'm not saying this is how your friends think(before anyone trys to imply it) it's always smacked of treating children like they're second rate citizens to me,thankfully my DH feels the same way and both sets of Grandparents,aunts and uncles and most of our friends feel the same.

When we have anyone round for dinner/lunch we do the same food for the adults and the children and then I lay some extra bits on incase the children or indeed any of the adults would prefer something different.

I know for some parents getting they're child to eat anything can be a real struggle,we have 5DC and 2 of our DC are autistic and they've both had real issues with food in the past bless them.I was anorexic for 9 years when I was younger as well,so I always try to be as inclusive and relaxed as possible when it comes to feeding everybody.

Gileswithachainsaw · 24/08/2015 10:20

This definitely sounds more British than anything else. Kids meals are unheard of in most places. they eat regular food with the adults.

perhaps they thought this is how you would prefer things?

I would have to say I'd be annoyed if my kids were served cheese sandwiches while the adults got proper food. dd2 doesn't even eat cheese.

not stealth boasting at all.

Gileswithachainsaw · 24/08/2015 10:21

Needless to say I would expect my kids to he polite though whatever they got which im.sure yours were

MyNewBearTotoro · 24/08/2015 10:41

I have friends who are like this (in the UK). They will cook a big seated meal for the adults but children will be left to play and served up nibbly picnic food as they play - sandwiches, cut up fruit/veg, cheese, crackers, breadsticks, boiled eggs etc.

My 2yo DD, although a good eater, is too young to really have noticed and she is quite happy to have picnic style foods and to be able to play instead of sit down. Last time a friend's 6yo was very upset though to see what her Dad was being served up and not to be offered the same. Friend was very apologetic and immediately got the DC a plate and sat her down but admitted her boys would never have touched the grown-up food so it never occurred to her other people's DC would.

I've been over to friend's more casually as well and this is just how she does mealtimes, she and her DP never sit and eat with their DSs and as the boys are both very fussy eaters they always get given something separate and stereotypically 'child friendly.' I think friend kind of forgets therefore that some people's young DC do eat a wider range of foods and don't need a completely different menu.

Anyway, when I go to hers I am happy to do it her way and it does seem to work but if I'm hosting I offer up the main to the DC (alongside other more 'child-friendly' options for those who are fussy). I've never commented aloud on her way and she's never commented aloud on my way and either way everybody, child or adult, gets fed enough not to be hungry so it's never an issue.

siilk · 24/08/2015 11:16

Another Aussie here. Never seen that happen. At ours, the food is all put out and we all eat the same. We usually make sure that there are 'kid friendly' options. They can have whatever. It is quite funny to see the adults with kids stuff!!

BrendaFlange · 24/08/2015 11:27

I reckon they just got into a habit and know what their particular kids will eat without issue.

I would never separate out kids food and adult food, though I know people who do, and provide sausages and burgers first at a BBQ and then more expensive ingredients later on, which still-hungry or keen kids come and get if they still want it (however as we saw from a previous BBQ threads it is surprising how many adults claimed that at a BBQ they would leave hungry and be disappointed by a choice of chicken, lamb, beef, salmon and / or halloumi instead of burgers and sausages)

There are some provisos: if there are small children and a help-yourself serving style I think parents need to keep an eye. It is galling to provide a plateful of beautifully seared scallops and see them all grabbed by 5 and 6 year olds to be discarded after a cursory lick and left congealing on a plate. Plates piled high to be left uneaten, or kids picking the top off each one of a plate of bruschetta and leaving the rest are things I have seen.

What is most odd about this group of friends is feeding the children second - if anything I would feed them quickly and then let the adults savour a long relaxed lunch.

Do what suits you when you invite them over. (but you may need to include cheese sarnies in the mix).

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 24/08/2015 11:47

Just wondering...

As the adults ate first and there was plenty left over, were the kids not intended to help themselves to the remaining adult options and/ or the "children's" food, or was the adult buffet cleared away or served plated and put or thrown away without being available to the children?

Perhaps the intention was/ is to have both options available to the children, but the established groups' kids tend to make a beeline for the plain food?

Its the only logical reason for the adults to eat first - so the kids don't swarm in and help themselves to all the expensive prime ingredients, nibble them, cover them in sauces, make them inedible to anyone else, and wander off to play leaving nothing much for the adults except cheese sandwiches

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