Swedish massage - did i overreact?

[Creepersgonnacreep]

I'm a recently qualified massage therapist, I also do Indian head massage and am training to do hot stones part time. Well I've just set up in business, me and a good friend. We go to peoples homes and offer full body massage. We've set up a site on fb and also on gumtree and as we're so new we've offered a 'buy one, get one half price' special offer thing. We've also specified that we're not a sexual service in any form - I noticed other gumtree ads had done the same.

So a client called and booked me, my friend had another appointment in the same area at the same time so I went and the man let me in, I set up my table, all very normal. He was mid thirties, lived alone, busy career, nice house. Told me he has sciatica and most discomfort and pain is lower back, plus he gets pain in his inner thighs.

I left the room while he changed and asked him to lie on the bed covered in a towel. Came back in and he was stripped naked! I told him its meant to be underwear only and he said his previous massage therapist used to have no issue as it meant she could get to the right ares without pants getting in the way...

I'm not assertive and just froze. I said I really don't want to do the massage like this but he couldn't understand why, he said its medical issues he's hired me for and medical professionals would have no embarrassment about the human body. I thought about making a run for it to the door but got scared he'd try tostop me, I discreetly texted my friend to say please come and get me asap.

I did do the massage when it got to his genital area I said I really didn't like doing this and he said jokingly that I'm a bit of a prude and to just 'move it out of the way' which I didn't do as ihad no intention of touching his cock. He seemed completely non-aroused by it all, wasn't flirty, made no advances and talked purely about the pain he suffers.

I took his money after rushing the massage, saw my friend was waiting for me, packed my table and practically ran out of his house!

He rang an hour later asking to book for his half price follow up massage. I told him I've decided to pack up the business!

Typing it out seems obvious now that I am right to never go back but he honestly made me feel I was overreacting and that he only had a 'medical' approach to it all. What do people think?

Oh and I agree that actions speak loudest...just pop a towel over the next one....if he removes it you say "Covered up please!" in a brisk fashion.

Yanbu to feel uncomfortable.

I know that some massage places do give non-sexual massages to naked people, but you are not operating one of those businesses.

If I assumed you were and stripped naked and you said to keep underwear on I would be mortified and getting dressed immediately. I never would ask you to handle my genitalia in the course of a normal massage!

Chat it over with your friend and your tutors if you are still in contact to get some advice from people in the industry.

Perhaps you could have a FAQs section or some kind of notice that goes out with payment details or something? It could have how long it takes you to set up/how big the table is and how much room you need to set up/common allergens in products used/policy for clients keeping their underwear on.

I have only had a couple of sports massages on my back so nudity was never been an issue. I see from pp that it is not unusual, although I think I would be surprised by it. However, I don't think you were wrong to feel uncomfortable, we all have that sixth sense of when something is not right even when we can't explain why.

If you are going to go into people's homes you are going to have to be assertive and learn how to take control of the situation. Yes, 99% of men are not sexual predators and you should be able to conduct your business without fear of attack. But how could you identify the 1% at the appointment making stage? You can't so you have to work out how to not freeze next time.

Working in people's homes always has risks. Contact the Susie Lamplugh Trust and do one of their excellent lone worker safety courses then decide if at home massage business is for you.

My friend ran a mobile beauty therapy/massage business. She used to get no end of phone calls from men enquiring as to whether she offered 'extras'.

If a man did want to book a massage she used to have him come to her house, and made sure that there was always someone else in the house with her. Would that be an option OP?

He was not polite to insist but it's OTT to say the OP was 'under duress'. She could have refused or left. The issue here is her ability to stand up for herself.

OP, if you're going to work in strangers' homes you need to work on your assertiveness. I say that not because this was your fault - the man was rude and odd IMO - but because in someone's home you will always be a bit on the back foot and need to be able to stick robustly to your boundaries despite that. I doubt this will be the last time you get asked something odd so you need to learn to say no firmly and courteously. Treat this as a learning experience, and maybe roleplay with your friend a few times how you will refuse next time a weirdo client asks for something you aren't comfortable with.

Stating that your services are not sexual on Gumtree sounds to me like you're trying to get round prostitution laws. I've never been to a reputable massage place that had to state that; it was a given.

That's what I was thinking, I think the OP is a bit naive advertising this type of business on gumtree and not expecting some seedy individuals to assume there are a few 'extras' involved. Gumtree, along with the likes of craigslist is basically full of sexual services classifieds.

Sorry you were put on the spot and felt uncomfortable OP, hopefully this experience will not make you quit your business, maybe a rethink on where you advertise is required so you attract a better caliber of client?

"She could have refused or left".

Well yes, theoretically but as she says she was scared of his reaction and froze. Women are socialised into pleasing people and not into standing up for themselves against men. I hope you wouldn't use this line of reasoning to say that a women who froze in the face of assault wasn't coerced.

My friend used to have a monthly massage for her and her husband, the lady would only massage men if she was booked for both, otherwise it was women only.

I don't care if every single other massage business in the whole world offers naked services: if you are not uncomfortable with doing that, then you shouldn't feel obliged to.

I know it seems rude, but it actually isn't, and it is tremendously powerful to just keep restating the refusal very clearly. 'I'm sorry, sir, we don't do naked massage'. 'But other businesses/my last masseuse did it this way'. 'I'm sorry, sir, we don't do naked massage'. 'But you won't be able to get to the affected area'. 'It's not a technical problem for us. We don't do naked massage'. Eventually he will either put up with your terms or cancel the service, either of which is fine.

not COMFORTABLE! Argh!

I used to have a mobile beauty therapy business, which included remedial/swedish massage, reflexology, aromatherapy etc.

I also had concerns about going into people's homes, especially doing a massage for a man. My rule was that if the treatment was for a man then I needed either his wife/partner to be in the house or I would bring someone with me so I wouldn't be working alone. Just in case. I never had any problems with any male clients, fortunately, but a colleague did and she was scared off - working alone with someone she thought she knew well and he made sexual advances to her.

It's a good plan to leave details of where you are going, who you are with etc with someone else, but if you can't do that then write your location/client name down and leave it in a prominent place at home. I soon had my regular clients and was able to relax more, but it is nerve-wracking going into a stranger's home for the first time.

Good luck with your new business, and I hope it all goes well for you in the future :)

Oh and I forgot to add - men kept their underpants on. No naked men. I'm no prude but I don't want naked penises flopping around. Pants waistlines can be rolled down and couch roll tucked into the top so you can get to the painful area. Your clients need to obey your rules, not you theirs. If you feel uncomfortable then leave.

Women would remove their bras, if they wanted to, and use a modesty towel. That was optional. I went for a professional massage once where the rule was all underwear, including bras, to be kept on until the back massage when it would be unhooked. Again - your rules. Worth putting them in your brochure, perhaps?

Did you cover him over with a towel?

I also wonder if the advert is misleading? I have never seen a massage place advertise that they don't do sexual stuff.

I know someone who has given up working in this beauty industry because of men like this. She worked in a hotel spa and was always getting sleazy old men in wanting a massage, and it was obvious they were getting a sexual kick out of the whole thing. She wasn't allowed to refuse to do it because it's discrimimation apparently, but there should be some rules regarding this.

Just looked at local gumtree adverts and all mentioned non-sexual service.

Apart from this one.

www.gumtree.com/p/other-massage-services/breast-health-breast-massage-enhancement-and-firming-vacuum-massage-and-breast-enlargement/1121467134

Would anyone really go for this? I'm hoping Victor is really Victoria...

I agree it's a personal thing and personality I agree with you OP, I would have been uncomfortable and any person with any empathy or even common sense would realise they had made a mistake and pull their pants back on, unless it wasn't a mistake.
He didn't seem to be sleazy or sexual but you don't know what he was thinking.
Reminds me of when I did home care and the amount of sexual comments I would receive were ridiculous and it does put you in an awkward professional position.
OP I would avoid this man again and maybe only see men on a 2:1 basis

Don't know if I'm or by Victor and his breast massage....

Thanks for all the comments, much appreciated. We're newly qualified and a bit naive I think, we've probably rushed into starting this up without putting proper boundaries in place and discussing safety enough. I feel a bit embarrassed to be honest

It might be an option to rent a room in a salon, my friend knows someone who has one so we're enquiring about that. I'd definitely feel safer!

With regards to the towels, yes we always use them but this guy didn't bother covering himself up, he said there was no need, that he's very liberal, he prefers the 'freedom' of not having one. I did try to enforce my own personal rules but he honestly had an answer for everything!

We've also both had calls from men asking if we offer happy endings and I particularly loathe that term, it makes my skin crawl. I'm definitely thinking gumtree isn't the way to go.

Omg, that breast massage!....

With the 'answer for everything' thing I wonder if that's because you felt you had to try and justify your position to this man. He wouldn't have had much of an answer if you had stuck to what shovetheholly said up thread.

This was definitely a learning experience and you are dealing with it in a positive way now.

Agreed pollys. I was being too polite, too passive. My thoughts were more "Act nice to him to avoid it escalating and him possibly getting angry" and just wanted it over with so I could leave asap. In future I'll be firm if anything similar happens, and we're also going to practise dealing with this situation

This man was obviously trying to intimidate you and whether or not he was obviously sexually aroused, he was clearing getting something out of it. Not nice at all to make you feel so uncomfortable.
I don't think it is a good idea to go into male clients houses on your own as you will inevitably get customers like this. Renting a room in a salon sounds like a very good idea.

I do massage also and my cards and fb page don't mention that my service is non-sexual...I also use words like holistic treatments on the main advertisement then list massages on my price list with a full description of what that entails eg, legs,arms back, neck and shoulder all while you're covered with a towel etc
I would rent a room also as it's nice to have a 'base' as well as you feeling safe.
I used to work in a spa and some of the clients in their were awful!one man lifted up his towel and asks what the therapist was going to do about 'this' and could she help him get rid of it!
I had one man that tried to guess the size of my boobs half way through the treatment and then he stuck out his enormous tongue and told me to imagine the damage he could do to me with that..his poor wife was having her treatment done in the room next door

Thank you Mary, yes I did feel intimidated, it was subtle and possibly clever on his part because he just kept on throwing the 'medical' angle at me, plus the fact his previous therapist had no problem with it. I've just remembered something else too, he said it was sexism on my part and that I was only questioning it because he's a man and that this is the sort of thing men have to deal with - implying that I was being prejudiced towards him because he's male. He said he feels bad for men like him who don't view nude massage as sexual at all but who are assumed to have ulterior motives.
I've put my finger on why I struggled to be assertive: He was very unemotional and almost robotic in how he spoke. Everything he said came across as very fair, reasonable and calm. Hard to explain but it made it hard to challenge.

Rainbowlou woah really??? that's awful that you had to put up with those kinds of advances. Just out of curiosity how did you respond?