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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children's Friendships

18 replies

shortbreadsharon · 20/08/2015 23:55

My 6 yr old daughter has had friends at nursery and at primary school but no one to play with at home until recently. Then before those Summer holidays a wee girl started coming by everyday and they were inseperable.I kept giving her new friend my number for her mum just incase she needed to get in touch about anythng and asked for her to bring her mum's number, which she never did. She stayed until late at night when I'd be ready to bath my DD for school and one of her older sisters came for her, in fact once she even had her own set of house keys to get in as her mum was "away".Each time she was round I was making her dinners and snacks galore and she would make it known that she didn't want cordial she wanted soda etc. Then when the Summer holidays started she abandoned my DD and even had the gall to play just across the road from her without popping in for her. Now the schools are back she is playing with her at school and coming off the schol bus promising to come round after tea but she doesn't. I really don't want DD to bother with her, but there isn't anyone else for her AIBU? I mean I know they are kids but I hate the fact she played with my daughter, bossed her around, took what she could get and the mum wasn't even interested in sending me a text or anything to see how her daughter was and now shes being like this with my daughter.

OP posts:
ReginaBlitz · 21/08/2015 00:35

I'm more shocked that you let a 6 year old bugger off to a girls house etc whose mum you hadn't even metBlush

Theycallmemellowjello · 21/08/2015 01:24

Yabu to hold a grudge against a 6 year old! 6 year olds can't be expected to observe all social niceties. But maybe you need to manage your dd's expectations if she's unreliable. And get in touch with the mum to organise play dates rather than leaving it to the girls? It sounds like you reckon the mum is a bit neglectful - if that's the case then the poor little thing needs a friend.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 21/08/2015 01:45

I agree that it's sad when this happens but OP...it does happen...and it's very normal. In the future, try not to let DD get too reliant on one friend. Invite some other girls home for tea after school....help her to make a wider group.

Atenco · 21/08/2015 04:11

You are applying adult standards to a six-year-old? I think children should be allowed to choose their own friends, unless there is something seriously amiss, like stealing or suchlike.

SavoyCabbage · 21/08/2015 04:32

"She had the gall to play over the road without popping in for her"

She's six!

bumelastic · 21/08/2015 07:28

This will be the first of many afraid. my daughter is 11. She had a falling out with someone in her friendship group over the weekend. Some nasty things were said, someone's mum angrily texted someone else's mum, both those mums fell out and guess what? The girls were friends again by Wednesday!

I know it's hard but you just need to let it wash over you. They are only little and still need to learn social niceties.

WipsGlitter · 21/08/2015 07:40

You sound like someone I know who is over involved in her daughters friendships and always falling out with people over them. Chill.

Original poster
shortbreadsharon · 21/08/2015 07:53

My daughter isn't allowed out she plays in her back gate, it is the other girl who roams the street and crosses many roads. I have tried many times to arrange to meet with the other mum.

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 21/08/2015 07:59

You seem to be mixing up the actions of the mum and her daughter. Yes, the mum didn't follow up any requests for contact number, but if you were that concerned could you not have walked the girl home one afternoon and popped your head in to say hello. Her daughter isn't treating your daughter badly - she's 6, quite a lot of them are bossy during play, she isn't going to be aware that you perceive this as a slight or that you think her mum is taking something for nothing.

But I'm confused as to why you were always feeding her, letting her stay until bath time. Is it because it suited you?, could you not have just said "alright pet, time to go home, we've something else to do/ it's dinner time/ we've to go out"

Original poster
shortbreadsharon · 21/08/2015 08:04

I suppose I know i'm being unfair but its hard when it hard when it is my little girl being hurt. I haven't stopped my daughter playing with anyone I was only considering it because she seemed more upset than when she had no one to play with. There have been other incidents with the little girl that I didn't want to put on here. What I meant when I said she had the gall to play across the road was she was taunting my daughter because she isnt allowed out. I suppose I just need to sit back and allow it to take its course and hope my daughter finds some new friends to widen her circle.

OP posts:
mommy2ash · 21/08/2015 08:05

How did this even start happening I'm shocked at the idea of a six year old turning up at your house with no contact from her mum and you letting her in till bath time feeding her etc and then letting her wander off home with her own key. How old was the sister who was picking her up? This whole situation seems odd and your daughter is probably better off finding another friend

Original poster
shortbreadsharon · 21/08/2015 08:36

I didn't send her home because she was told her sisters would come for her after they had finished playing. I have a DS as well and can't just disappear.As for feeding her and allowing her to stay for as long, she never was told to go home for dinner and I think its extremely ignorant to eat in front of people especially one who may not get a dinner.

I also couldn't just send her out there not knowing where she might end up and so because she said her 9 year old sister was coming I'd leave her there to be picked up. I personally couldn't take her home and so felt it ws safer to wait on her sister instead of sending a 6 year old out to who knows where then a 9 year old having to go looking everywhere for her. TBH I don't know why I am getting such a hard time about this when surely its the girl's mothers responsability. I know where my girl is at all times.

OP posts:
paulapompom · 21/08/2015 10:19

Without trying to be overdramatic the little girl sounds a bit neglected to me. Not saying it's terrible abuse, but she is clearly left to sort herself out at the age of six. Ime children in this situation do what they need to. The little girl had nice snacks and a place to play and your Dd as a playmate. Now she has other places to go too. I don't think she is deliberately excluding your Dd, I think at her age she is just being a child, doing what she feels like at that moment. I f I were you I would encourage the friendship but as one of many, not a best friend thing. My Dts are 18 now and friends have changed, come, gone, come back again, your Dd will be fine xx

TheHouseOnTheLane · 21/08/2015 10:45

Move on. As I said, invite some other girls home for tea...girls from school. Help DD make more friends.

Reubs15 · 21/08/2015 12:41

Have you not thought to take this girl home? You could take your kids too as obviously you can't leave them. Or maybe let the school know of her mum's behaviour? It sounds like she could be neglecting her tbh, I couldn't live with myself if it turned out she was being neglected and I didn't do anything.
Of course it's not nice for your daughter but kids are way more resilient than we give them credit for. Invite classmates round. Her friends will change all the time, that's normal.
Sounds like you're holding a grudge against a 6 year old who may need help.

HoopsAlot · 21/08/2015 12:53

I had a random 6 yr old asking to play with my 5yr old dd, I made a clear boundary of yes in the garden but no in my house.
She roams the street and iv never met her mum, she couldn't undrstand why I wouldn't let my dd go round to her house.
She was polite enough but also dashed off randomly to go play with other kids and came back when they weren't available.

She is six and not evil but kids will do what they want when they are left to their own devices and take what's on offer.

QuiteLikely5 · 21/08/2015 13:22

This has happened to my dd before. I did think 'how sly' at the time but other posters are correct in saying she's only six.

Maybe you would consider letting your dd play out the front?

Atenco · 21/08/2015 15:14

Coming from an age when all six-year-olds were left to sort themselves out, I don't think there is any reason to think of neglect, unless there are other signs.

It is very hard to see your child being hurt, OP, and very easy to get involved, but try not to. It is part of their learning experience. Nature intended children to sort out and negotiate their problems with their friends, unfortunately in the era of the car, it is a lot harder for children to get a chance to do this, away from the supervision and interference of adults.

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