Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel uncomfortable about this?

80 replies

pressanykeytobegin · 18/08/2015 17:06

My partner and I have been together for 3 years and have a 15 month old baby. I didn't go back to work after maternity leave as my salary was close to the cost of childcare and neither of us liked the idea of him being in full time childcare. My plan was to register as a childminder so i can spend time with my own child, have company for him, and also contribute financially (albeit not at the same level as my partners earnings). His dad has repeatedly expressed his disapproval to this, telling me I should get a "little job" in a shop in the village. His last reason for disliking it was "the neighbours might not like cars coming to drop children off"

We currently live in a house that he bought prior to meeting me, and it is up for sale. We are looking for a new house to buy.

His dad has been asking for a while for him to go round for a discussion so he can talk to him about things without it being in front of me. My partner this evening has said it will most likely be about mortgages.

Aibu to think that it's a bit weird to need a conversation about mortgages to be held in some kind of secret meeting?

OP posts:
Tangerineandturquoise · 18/08/2015 19:31

What job did you do before you had your DS?
If you wanted to go back say part time-could you and your DP split the childcare costs in some way
BUT
If you want to be a CM, then train as one, it does take a bit of effort to be accredited from what I understand, but a number of people find it a great job to do.

Does your DP have a sister? I found a lot of my FIL's comments about what I should be doing post children, had a lot to do with his daughter's opinions on what women should be doing.

The only thing I would say is that you do need to talk to your DP about the next home, if you are agreeing with him to give up your job to care for the child you both have then he needs in some way to be contributing towards that and ensuring you have some security should things go wrong.

Boiing · 18/08/2015 19:48

My husband and I just bought a house. I have no income or job. The house is in both our names. As a former solicitor I see absolutely no reason why she can't co-own it. All she needs is a 'guarantor', in this case DP, who promises to pay the mortgage back. For example, parents often guarantee mortgages taken out in a child's name where the child has no income (my parents bought my sister a house when she was a student, house was wholly in her name despite her having zero income).

OP, I know talking about money is horrible, and I don't want to alarm you when you have enough on your plate with the baby. But you do need some kind of protection against either DP dying or leaving you in the future. E.g. my uncle's long term girlfriend never worried about not the house not being in joint names until he dumped her (for someone 20 years younger) and gave her 2 weeks to get out of a house she'd lived in for decades. Legally she had no rights.

Have a chat with DP along the lines of 'what would happen if you died?' and push for legally valid protection not a 'Dad would look after you' or nonsense like that.

As to the childminding thing, his Dad is an arse, just do it anyway and make sure the money goes into a bank account in your name.

As to the conversation, if his Dad wants a private chat let them get on with it. Who knows what it's about. For all we know his Dad wants to ask 'when on earth are you going to marry the girl!'

bigbumtheory · 18/08/2015 19:50

Don't do it OP, you're setting yourself up to be screwed over, already he's lying about that!

His dad likely wants his son to protect himself too, but not at the expense of you. You need to be on deeds and mortgage with a contract perhaps that says if you split, DP will get X amount he puts in back first and anything else is split between you,

shebird · 18/08/2015 20:16

You also need a proper conversation about your financial circumstances and to arrange a new will. You should make sure that you both have sufficient life cover to repay the mortgage in the event of anything happening to either you or DP. Also family protection type cover for DP as the main earner and also cover if anything happened to you as you DP would not be able to work without you or would need to pay for full time childcare.

SugarOnTop · 18/08/2015 20:27

It sounds to me as though your DP's father is working out how to protect his son's interests at your expense, and doesn't want you around to question it.

i second that. FIL has already been very vocal about how he feels you are 'taking advantage' of his son and the insinuation is that he feels you are a 'golddigger' Hmm

i think your dp knows exactly why his dad wants to have a 'private' meeting with him....i just hope you dp is completely honest with you about what was said when he returns.

even if you were not able to get on the deeds, there is nothing stopping you from drawing up a cohabiting contract (not sure if they exist but first time for everything!) or such, that would provide you with security whilst you live with him and in the event of a breakup.

Icimoi · 18/08/2015 21:21

Is there any reason your DP can't ask his father what the meeting is about? Then if it is something that concerns you - which would definitely include the mortgage - he can tell him that you need to be present.

OrangeVase · 18/08/2015 21:37

I would be fine with my DP having private chats with his dad just as I would expect to be able to have private chats with my dad without having to have someone. Why is that wrong?

The financial situation is interesting. It is a trust thing. If I were advising my DS I would probably tell him to protect his own interests.

Good luck though - I hope it works out.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 18/08/2015 21:42

Are you in Scotland or England? I think the laws surrounding co-habitees are different in Scotland.

Tangerineandturquoise · 18/08/2015 22:18

How are you getting on PRESS I hope you have been able to chat to your DP

SomethingBad · 18/08/2015 22:19

Why aren't you married? You need to get a ring on your finger pronto. You and your DC are in a very vulnerable position until you do and your posts ring lots of alarm bells.

AyeAmarok · 18/08/2015 22:20

God I feel like I'm peeking out through my fingers while I watch the OP sleepwalk into financial doom by a partner who knows exactly what he's playing at.

Why aren't you both getting married?

Why is his nephew getting his assets and not his son?

Why have you given up your own financial independence to be in such a ridiculously precarious position?

InTheBox · 18/08/2015 22:33

You are currently paddling up shit creek and if you continue under the status quo you'll find yourself there without a paddle.

-His nephew on the will
-Him dismissing legal terms as 'nonsense'
-His father organising meetings without you
-You not on the deeds / co-ownership
-You without your own income
-Currently partners i.e. unmarried

You are flying incredibly blind, it'd be funny if it weren't very serious.

OrangeVase · 19/08/2015 00:38

Actually the will is ridiculous. Get that changed straight away. Are you sure it isn't an oversight though. I didn't change my will to benefit my children until they were quite old. I assumed that the will I made that left it all (vast sums!!) to nieces and nephews was void on the birth of my own child. (Obvs not!)

Do take care and protect your interests and those of your son. My question is really why didn't you sort this out first? If you hadn't agreed to share assets and be true partners yet you had a chid - I can see how the situation is now difficult for you both.

Postchildrenpregranny · 19/08/2015 01:01

I dont think you can be named as a co-owner on the deeds unless

  1. The mortgage application is in both your names or
  2. you own the house outright We have recently provided two thirds of the cost of a flat our DD1 is buying. We wanted to be 'tenants in common' i.e. DH owns a third, DD owns a third(she will have a mortgage) and I own a third-solely to protect her interests should she marry and subsequently divorce-the sum involved is large .(she does not currently have a partner or children) We were told we could do this only if we were co-mortgagees. I assume this applies in any situation and I would think it's very important that you are a joint applicant for the mortgage, even if DP is the sole breadwinner . If he doesn't agree, it suggests he sees it as his house not 'yours' .And you and your child will be in a right mess if you split up .
highkickindandy · 19/08/2015 03:50

I agree with many of the other posters. You have allowed yourself to be put in a financially precarious position.
I would suggest doing some or all of the following:

  • independent legal advice on your financial situation if your relationship ends or your partner dies, sorry but I don't trust his reassurances
  • getting married, don't think I'd advise marrying someone who doesn't seem to want to protect your interests though
  • getting the house in your name as well
  • going back to work - if your partner won't secure your financial future by marriage/changing his will/putting the house in your name, you have to develop the ability to be financially independent. If he doesn't want your son in childcare he has to compromise somewhere along the line to protect you.
Morganly · 19/08/2015 07:46

Oh, my dear you have slept walked into such a precarious position. You must must must get your partner to make proper financial provision for you in the event of his death or you splitting up or you must go back to work and make sure that you start some savings so that you won't end up homeless in either of these eventualities. If your partner is a solicitor and yet has not done something about this then I'm afraid you cannot trust him. If you go back to work, your partner should pay half the childcare to enable you to save some of your earnings. Please don't let this go, you are putting all your safety and security and future in this man's hands and this has the potential to go horribly wrong for you.

Blueandwhitelover · 19/08/2015 08:32

How did the meeting go?

DiscoDiva70 · 19/08/2015 09:24

Op
Please listen to all on here who are advising you to protect your and your child's interests.

I was in an an almost identical position to you, years ago, I gave up a good job to have children as I naively trusted my ex when he suggested that I stayed at home and he would provide for us.
Luckily, before I gave up work I insisted that our new house would be in joint names as I wanted to protect myself should we eventually split.

However, my ex came up with all sorts of reasons as to why it should only be his name on the house deeds, and I remember he also had financial advice from his dad without me being included.

I'm so relieved that I stood my ground as, fast forward a few years, my ex began an affair and left me literally 'holding the baby', with no child support etc.

What I'm trying to say is, don't be naive to think that your partner will always be there for you and your child. Maybe he will, but maybe he won't.
And believe me, if you don't safeguard your interests now and your relationship does end, then you will be literally in the shit!, especially as you are not married.

One more thing, I too am concerned that your dp is excluding you, it doesn't bode well in my opinion.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 19/08/2015 09:48

why is the house not going to be in joint names? leaves you in a vulnerable situation I think.

cestlavielife · 19/08/2015 11:15

mortgage company will want to know who over 18 is living in the house.

it maybe that a non earner on joint mortgage reduces amount that can be borrowed but that is tough.

if he dies under a bus tomorrow or crashes his car, what rights do you have? very few...yes you could go to court and fight to argue beneficial interest but that will be costly and time consuming.

get married to protect yourself and child or if cohabiting get on the mortgage and deeds.

Ilovecrapcrafts · 19/08/2015 11:21

My DH and I have seperately owned the houses we've lived in. He bought the last house, I bought this one.
Despite having the legal protection of marriage each mortgage/ remortgage the person not on the mortgage has had to sign a disclaimer to say they have no interest in the property and will leave if the owner does. There is no way to get on the deeds without the mortgage companies permission which we have had rejected by different banks.

Putting a non worker on the mortgage will drastically reduce your chances of getting a mortgage. 12 months ago, no lender would offer this.

However, this does depend on your LTV etc- the less you borrow the less they care

Also
We don't even know if OPs partner has a mortgage since she hasn't bothered to come back

FrenchJunebug · 19/08/2015 12:28

The next house will be in just DPS name

why? aren't you a family?

Jackie0 · 19/08/2015 13:32

Bloody hell OP, I hope you are taking on board the advice you have been offered here.

Boiing · 19/08/2015 16:15

Ilovecrapcrafts: I have to disagree, I am a non-worker (with sod all savings) and had absolutely no problems getting on the mortgage and 'deeds' (By the way deeds no longer exist, people mean the Property Title at the Land Registry.)

We had three mortgage offers between 2014-15 from HSBC and Leeds, based on my partners income, they were all in joint names with absolutely no problem about my being a non-worker with no income.

You're quite correct that if you live in a house and are not on the Property Title (aka 'deeds') then the mortgage company will require you to sign a declaration, that is to prevent you having the legal rights which you could otherwise have as a resident, which can in some circumstances prevent the mortgage company foreclosing.

OP I know it's easy to feel powerless when you're the one with no income. One thought is that you could refuse to sign any declaration to the mortgage company until you have a proper agreement about your finances.

I know we've all been very blunt about your situation, this is because we're scared for you. And I know that it's incredibly hard to discuss these issues with DP because he will answer 'Don't you trust me, leave it to me etc etc'. Good luck. xxx

Ilovecrapcrafts · 19/08/2015 16:23

I did say mortgages depend on your circumstance; you could get one easily as a non worker, we were completely unable to. We still don't know the OPs circumstance. Don't think we'll ever find out

Swipe left for the next trending thread