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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to feel uncomfortable about this?

80 replies

pressanykeytobegin · 18/08/2015 17:06

My partner and I have been together for 3 years and have a 15 month old baby. I didn't go back to work after maternity leave as my salary was close to the cost of childcare and neither of us liked the idea of him being in full time childcare. My plan was to register as a childminder so i can spend time with my own child, have company for him, and also contribute financially (albeit not at the same level as my partners earnings). His dad has repeatedly expressed his disapproval to this, telling me I should get a "little job" in a shop in the village. His last reason for disliking it was "the neighbours might not like cars coming to drop children off"

We currently live in a house that he bought prior to meeting me, and it is up for sale. We are looking for a new house to buy.

His dad has been asking for a while for him to go round for a discussion so he can talk to him about things without it being in front of me. My partner this evening has said it will most likely be about mortgages.

Aibu to think that it's a bit weird to need a conversation about mortgages to be held in some kind of secret meeting?

OP posts:

thehypocritesoaf · 18/08/2015 17:51

What it means - and he as a solicitor knows well what it means - is that you can spend the next twenty years looking after your children and making a wonderful home for your family together - but if he (or you) dies or decides it's over, you will get fuck all.

WhirlyTwos · 18/08/2015 17:52

Op, whatever convos occur, you need to be named on the next property mortgage. While you might not earn, you are enabling your dp to earn by assuming sole responsibility for daytime childcare. Thus, should your relationship not last, you would not leave with nothing.

If your dp has equity accrued before you were on the scene, then it is reasonable and possible for you both to agree to protect this for him going forward, should you not remain together in the long term, by way of being tenants in common rather than joint tenants in the next property purchase. A solicitor can do this fairly simply.

But from this point forward, you need to ensure you are in a financially interested position, and that means being named on the mortgage.

Good luck.

Phoeberdoos · 18/08/2015 17:54

Just thinking it could be totally unrelated to the mortgage if he didn't give your partner any indication as to what it's about. Hopefully there's no need to worry. :)

Have you discussed putting your name on the mortgage/deeds?

zzzzz · 18/08/2015 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhirlyTwos · 18/08/2015 17:58

you can spend the next twenty years looking after your children and making a wonderful home for your family together - but if he (or you) dies or decides it's over, you will get fuck all.

Actually, without wanting to sound morbid, if he died she'd probably be ok, due to the Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependants) Act 1975, but if the relationship ended, then she would be out in the financial cold.

Original poster

pressanykeytobegin · 18/08/2015 18:07

Well his will was written years ago and leaves everything to his nephew so I already know if he dies I am a bit screwed

OP posts:

zzzzz · 18/08/2015 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzz · 18/08/2015 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JassyRadlett · 18/08/2015 18:15

Well his will was written years ago and leaves everything to his nephew so I already know if he dies I am a bit screwed

Seriously?!

He needs to update his will. Now. He has a child and a partner who is enabling his work. You come first.

He's a solicitor. I'm related to many solicitors. If he hasn't updated his will, it's not an oversight.

It's also worrying that he's more worried about what the neighbours think than your future financial security.

WhirlyTwos · 18/08/2015 18:15

Well his will was written years ago and leaves everything to his nephew so I already know if he dies I am a bit screwed

Not true op. Easily challenged under Act previously mentioned. Child and mother of child would have very strong case to inherit despite the Will.

WhirlyTwos · 18/08/2015 18:18

Anyway, highly probably irelevant talk of wills. Yes, he should update his. But more pressing is you ensuring you gain a financial interest in this relationship and get on the mortgage, despite not currently earning a salary. If he tries to fob you off, you have problems.

NerrSnerr · 18/08/2015 18:19

So what will happen to your child if he dies? You and your child will be homeless and you'll have no job or money.

You need to get on the deeds of the house. I would also consider working, even if it is part time so if you split up you'll be employable.

decisionsdecisions123 · 18/08/2015 18:24

He's leaving all his money to his nephew and he has a son and you??? I am pretty sure new wills can be written up. Why hasnt he done this to include both of you?

I dont know about names on mortgages and house deeds but I know that a friend of mine bought a house with a mortgage and gave her partner a share in the house, not sure how it was done but thats what she told me.

Why are you so accepting of all of this? I think its you that needs to be having a conversation when he gets home!

Bluestockings35 · 18/08/2015 18:28

Press, what kind of solicitor is he because without wanting to be overly cynical or harsh, no one who has graduated law school should genuinely think that it is nonsense to say you have no rights. You have no claim at all in the family courts on the house or finances if you are not married, so you have to rely on the law of equity. Equity only recognises name on deeds and financial contributions - your contributions to the family in the form of childcare and housework won't count for anything if you break up. Please get independent legal advice and protect yourself before it's too late - it's in his financial interests to tell you not to worry because at the moment you will walk away from that relationship with nothing (other than child support) if you break up and he will keep everything.

If you don't believe me then look at the Law Society website (www.lawsociety.org) and search 'cohabitation'. They recommend getting a cohabitation agreement, which would give you legal rights, and you can discuss with your partner what you both think is fair given what you each brought to the relationship and what you contribute in non-financial terms. To give you an idea, the family courts if you were married would start from the assumption of equal sharing of assets unless one person has inherited recently or has made a particularly significant contribution that outweighs the other person - and one person working an ordinary job like a solicitor and the other being a stay at home mum would not justify giving him a bigger share....

redskybynight · 18/08/2015 18:30

If DP owns the house you currently live in, I'm guessing that he will be putting a much bigger deposit into the new house than you will? so it might be that the conversation is his dad offering him advice as to how to protect his finances in case your relationship doesn't last? In which case I can see why he wouldn't want to have it in front of you :)

Ilovecrapcrafts · 18/08/2015 18:32

OP you've not really explained what your wants or needs are. You were only together a year before you got pregnant. Do you plan to marry? Has it been discussed? Did you or do you have your own property/ savings? What did you do before you met him?

MN love a woman not on the deeds thread but it is NOT as clear cut as some posters have made out and you will be given incorrect information by some posters.
However at the moment it's not entirely clear what the issue is?

avocadotoast · 18/08/2015 18:36

While you might not earn, you are enabling your dp to earn by assuming sole responsibility for daytime childcare.

This.

You can, in some cases, argue a claim to property even if you're not named on it and haven't made a direct financial contribution. It's called beneficial interest and comes up in divorce and insolvency cases. However, it's very hard to prove.

You need to be named on the new mortgage and get him to rewrite his will. Wtf is he playing at?!

molyholy · 18/08/2015 18:40

Are his parents still together or did his mum leave his dad and take all the money? Might explain their attitudes. Otherwise you partner is extremely selfish with strange ideas of what family means.

thehypocritesoaf · 18/08/2015 18:42

Mn doesn't love a woman not on the deeds thread.
Most mners are just massively concerned that women still find themselves again and again in these situations.

It sounds like he is lying about the mortgage.
Where does he stand on changing the will or getting married?
Do you love this guy op?

kungfupannda · 18/08/2015 18:47

It sounds to me as though your DP's father is working out how to protect his son's interests at your expense, and doesn't want you around to question it.

You certainly can be on the deeds without being on the mortgage. Perhaps not in all situations, but this needs to be checked out, no matter what rubbish his dad is spouting about it making no difference.

And you need to insist that his will is changed in favour of his own child and the mother of that child. This is one of the more precarious situations I've heard of on MN. You aren't just a SAHM who isn't on the deeds of the house - you are a SAHM, not on the deeds of the house and actively excluded from inheriting. Add to that a FIL who looks to be trying to screw you over and you need to be taking some very urgent action to secure your position and that of your child.

kungfupannda · 18/08/2015 18:49

Oh sorry - is it the DP who is the solicitor? I thought it was the FIL. I'd be even more suspicious in that case. It sounds like a partner who is trying to keep his financial interests separate from the relationship.

shebird · 18/08/2015 19:03

I think you need to have a meeting with your DP.
As a solicitor he should know well the precarious position you and your DD could be in if anything were to happen to him. It is unfair and disrespectful of him and his father to treat you as silly little woman, pat you on the head and say leave it to the men to sort all this financial stuff out.
I understand that there might be things his father wants to discuss in private but it is important that you also have a frank conversation with your DP about this.

shebird · 18/08/2015 19:13

Also if you really want to be a childminder then why not? Who is his Dad to tell you what you can and can't do? Sounds very patronising to me.

OnlyLovers · 18/08/2015 19:22

His dad sounds like a prize twat.

Is it your DP's will that leaves everything to his nephew, or his dad's? (sorry, I can't work it out; bit befuddled today).

Your DP ought to be standing up for you, telling his dad to butt out with his 'little job in a shop' and that there will be no chats about the mortgage behind your back.

decisionsdecisions123 · 18/08/2015 19:24

Is he worried about the children causing damage to his sons property and therefore money if you were to become a childminder. The neighbours not liking cars dropping children off at the house is a crazy idea. You arent running a school!

What would you like to happen?

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