Feel stuck in the middle of friends- WWYD

[jacks11]

There are 4 of us in a close circle of friends (since uni), although we aren't all living that close to each other anymore we do talk reasonably often and try to see each other every few months or so when possible. Lets call the other friends A, B and C.

Friend A has been trying to conceive for a while and is now being assessed for fertility treatment. She has found the whole thing very tough and is desperate to be a mum. We all know this.

I have a DD and Friend B has 2 DCs (1.5 and 4). Friend C has recently announced she is pregnant, having told friend A separately before she told the rest of us. This was 8 weeks ago.

The problem is friend A has been extremely unkind to friend C. She was furious that C hadn't told her she was TTC, but when she explained that it was an unplanned pregnancy this seemed to make things worse. C said A had told her unplanned pregnancies were "irresponsible", for example. She doesn't seem to be able to be happy for C, nor does she want B or I to be happy for her.

She has asked friend B and I not to invite friend C to a get together we were arranging as "it's just too hard to see her". B and I said that we weren't happy to exlude C from our plans, but would understand if A didn't want to come at the moment. Both B and I have said we are happy to meet up with A individually, or to talk on the phone etc but are just not happy to leave C out of our usual plans.

Friend A has told us that she expected more support and feels "betrayed" by us all. Her husband spoke to me to say she has been inconsolable and he was surprised we hadn't been understanding. I've tried just listening, or trying to give her space and waiting for her to contact me but then was accused of sidelining her.

At the same time, C is also really upset by the situation.

I get that A is feeling really awful right now- it must feel like everyone else has what she desperately wants and without any difficulties. It is unfair and I do feel for her, but I also feel she is being unkind- this is a time that C should be able to be happy about without being made to feel guilty. I also feel that I should be able to be happy for my friend without being made to feel like I'm doing something to deliberately upset A. I don't want to leave C out of things, although understand why A might want to be absent herself from things for a while and would be happy to arrange things with A separately (i.e. not excluding C from things).

I don't really know what to say to friend A- I'd like to be supportive but also don't want to be guilted into being unfair to friend C. I feel she is being unreasonable (but understand why) and don't know how to tackle it without making things worse. wwyd?

A said she needs our support more than C

It's sad that she sees it as a competition.

I've been friend A, and it hurts more than anything in the world, however, she is out of line with her demands.
After my preemie pfb died I could not go anywhere near a pregnant friend C, as I knew I'd cry, and didn't want to upset her. She could not face coming anywhere near me, as she didn't want to upset me, so we dodged each other for weeks - difficult, as we lived in the same street! Friend B asked each of us round for coffee, not saying the other was also invited. When we saw each other, we just hung on to each other and howled our hearts out for a while.

Give A room, give her time, but you are right not to give in to her demands.

Definitely A's problem. I would try writing down in a similar way how you feel to A, explaining that you understand her feelings and will do all you can to be supportive but that you also love C and want to be able to share in her joy just as you would/will if/when A is in the same situation. Tell A that you know that she doesn't want to throw away her friendship with C, remind her that C has supported her too over the years and that C has done all she can to be sensitive to A's situation. Beyond that, it's out of your control xx

How often do you realistically see each other? Surely not so much that over the next 7m of C's pregnancy it's really going to be a massive problem?

Maybe pull back a bit on the get-togethers anyway as you are all in slightly different places, then maybe A will calm down (or hopefully get pregnant) and things can gradually get back to a more sensible footing.

It does sound a bit as if A and C may have not been quite as close in the first place though.

I was an unwitting C with a colleague who I was unaware was having difficulties conceiving.

She was a grade A bitch (pun intended) to me throughout my pregnancy and after I returned from maternity leave. Ihave never, ever forgiven her. It was hard enough being pregnant (which was far from straightforward) without her being a bitch towards me.

Op, I think you are being exceptionally understanding, but perhaps this situation is showing A's true colours to show through.

you and friend b are being very understanding, as is friend c, friend a is being totally unreasonable, I can see why but it is really unacceptable and you were right to tell her so

Infertility can make a normally rational and nice women into an irrational bitch who can't stand the thought of someone else having what she so desperately wants. It's something that you cannot possibly understand unless you have felt that pain and it is especially hurtful when friends seem to get pregnant easily. It is also like they are joining a club to which you will never belong and are, even if unconsciously, moving away from you. They will have conversations with other friends that you can't join in with and they will never, ever understand what you are going through.

Obviously it is not their fault that you are infertile, but being pregnant is so obviously in your face, that there is no hiding that they are going to have a baby.

I found that the only way I could cope was to remove myself from friendship groups of women who I had known for many years. I don't think, for one minute, that they realised what was happening because they were, at that time, totally absorbed in their lives, children and pregnancies. I went out and made new friends - older women who's children were older, childless women, men. Made life easier.

So much truth in what you say Zee, but it seems with some lf you're not doing a merry dance about BFP you hear, you're a spiteful cunt.

Friend A is being hideously unkind. She is in serious danger of damaging her friendships beyond repair. I agree you should speak to her. Perhaps she doesn't now how awful she is being. I have been on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour and it was soul destroying. The friendship never recovered.

I don't think friend A understands exactly how supportive you and friend B are trying to be to her. She's also doing the "pick me!" dance, and that's never a good option - you just shouldn't put your friends into that situation.

So carry on with whatever plan you already had - see C, invite A when you do but make it clear that C is invited too. At some point her (A's) extreme irrationality might settle down, but it might not either - so you will have to be prepared to lose A as a friend over this. Frankly, I think she'd be less loss than friend C at the moment - yes, she's in an intensely horrible place herself, but the world doesn't stop just because of that, she has to learn to deal with it better for her own sake as much as everyone around her.

There is nothing else you can do short of cutting friend C off, which would be horribly unfair to C - so please be kind to yourself, you're doing the best you can and in the end it will be A's decision what she does about it all.