Oh OP, this is a very difficult time for you and I completely understand your anger with A but if you want to try and keep the friendship between you and A then I do urge you to tread carefully. She will be hurting deeply and lashing out. It is not fair or reasonable but if things were fair then A would have the baby she wants, wouldn’t she? I would step back from your anger and save telling A how disappointed and angry in her you are and avoid certain trigger things. In A’s mind, C represents all she can’t do and can’t have. C’s pregnancy being unplanned just hits home how much A has failed, how much her body has failed to do the one thing they want it to, probably the one things she expects it to. She probably feels very deeply how unfair life is; she and her DH have gone and are going through stress and strain and it’s probably been shit on them and their relationship. They’ve tried and tried and done everything right. C has done nothing right (in terms of ovulation checking, actively trying, taking pre-natals, being on no alcohol, low caffeine etc, all the things you do when it’s hard to conceive) and yet she’s managed the one thing A can’t do. She probably feels resentful of C, it’s unfair and C doesn’t deserve it but it’s normal emotion and she’s in her right to feel it.
There’s nothing wrong with those emotions, they come with grieving, no matter what the grief is about. What’s wrong is not being able to step away and just say ‘I’m sorry I wish I could be supportive as a friend but I just can’t, it hurts to much.’ Which is what she should have done. She doesn’t have to fake anything or try to be happy for C, her own emotion and grief is of her utmost importance and she has to be true to that. But she is behaving very badly, lashing out in her grief and her DH isn’t helping. They are acting as a team against C as it were but that is very unfair, they should be acting as a team in saying they can’t support C and distancing themselves but being civil about it.
I was in tears with a friend who was pregnant, I told her I just couldn’t be a part of baby showers and I was sorry. I feel so terribly guilty over that, despite not being unreasonable or unfair. When A gets passed the anger-grief, she will likely feel deep shame, mortification and disappointment in herself.
For C, be there, tell her A is unreasonable and you won’t be cutting C off at all. Tell C she knows this wasn’t done to upset A, it’s not Cs fault and she needs to focus on herself and the baby. But explain to C why A feels this anger, show her the thread if you have to which shows the comments from people having been in A’s position or similar (not to excuse her but for understanding). I very much hope C doesn’t feel guilty or to blame but I have also been in C’s position when I was pregnant the first time and I know that she will likely do. She’s best ignoring A’s calls/texts and distancing herself. Just texting to say ‘I love you, I didn’t do this to hurt you and I’m sorry that it has. You are hurting me now and it’s best we step back from each other until you can understand that and want to properly talk.’If anything.
I would be careful what you say to A, please avoid ‘life is unfair’, that’s no help to anyone in any grief situation. Don’t try to compare or say you understand her feelings. Don’t demand apologies to C because that’s going to get her back up and it will end in mass fallouts. Honestly, I would email her first and give her time to digest it then wait for her to call you or call her and say ‘You know I love you, you are one of my closest friends. C is as well and you both need my support at the moment so I plan to be there for you both.’
Email her something like this.
I know you are hurting badly because of C’s pregnancy, I can’t imagine how it feels and I can understand it must be heart-breaking, making you very angry and resentful. I know you are grieving that you can’t have children and that you must be going through so much pain and upset. I want to support you through this, you are one of my closest friends and I’m worried about you.
C is also my close friend and I want to support her too. I know it probably feels right now like she did this to spite you but you need to understand that she didn’t. She’s one of your close friends too and she’s worried and upset too. I won’t cut off C or treat her as anything less than my friend. I know that’s not what you want to hear right now, but much as I understand your anger towards C I can’t agree with it.
No one expects you to see C anymore if you don’t want to, or to apologise. I’m not pushing you to have any kind of communication with her though I hope that in time you will do so. I hope you can understand this, but if you wish to isolate yourself for a while then that’s what you need to do. If you want me to support you then that’s what I’ll do but not at the expense of another friend. I love you both and will be supporting you both, if you want me too.’