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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset about this holiday offer?

53 replies

GrannyGrunts · 18/08/2015 13:10

I need to know if IABU and spoilt or if I'm within my right to be upset.

I have 3DC, who all have OHs and children of their own. I divorced their dad 25 years ago and we all have a great relationship with each other. I'm single and exH remarried a few years ago.

DD has told me that for ExHs 60th next year they are taking him away on holiday to Greece, all the kids, OHs and grandkids. I'll admit I felt a pang of jealousy - due to locations and busy lives it's rare all my DC and DGC are under one roof let alone together for a week! But I kept this inside. They are paying for his flights and accommodation, as well as his DWs, as his present.

DD then said "I haven't forgotten you either" and TBH I fully expected her to say that they were gonna do the same for my 60th - which is 14 months after ExHs.

But she said that I could come along to the holiday they are having a couple of months after the Greece one, with her OHs family (his mum, dad, siblings and nieces). Id have to buy my own flights but can go in DGCs rooms with them so I don't have to pay for accommodation.

Problem is, her OH is a relatively new BF and I've only met his family a couple of times. Also I lost my job a while ago and currently working for minimum wage, and catching up on payments I couldn't make whilst unemployed, so not sure if I can afford a return flight in half term.

I asked if my other DC and their little ones would be coming and she said she hadn't mentioned it but probably not as its really a thing for her OHs family.

I don't think it's a money thing - all my DC have decent jobs and holiday twice a year usually - but even if it was, I'm thinking - why him? Why does he get the big holiday, and not me? Selfish I know, but particularly with my DD, for the purposes of not drip feeding I will give a bit of background. She has 3DC, and for various reasons has often struggled raising the older 2. There's been a few occasions where I've taken them in to live with me, sometimes for months, whilst she gets her head together. She now has a 1yo, who sleeps over at mine at least once a week so DD and her OH get a break. I also watch 1yo DGD on Fridays so they can work, and spring clean her house on Friday nights (she's v busy and would live in a pigsty otherwise). I have never taken cash off her for any of this. So you see I feel as if I'm owed just a little bit of gratitude and it would have been nice if they "picked me".

DS and DDIL are coming for tea tonight, I don't know wether to mention it or live and let live. I just feel kinda short changed by it all.

OP posts:

willconcern · 18/08/2015 13:14

I would mention it and tell them how hurt you are, and ask them why...

MokunMokun · 18/08/2015 13:16

It does sound very thoughtless, especially sharing a room with the grandkids. Are they taking you there as childcare? I'd definitely decline.

I think I would wait until next year and if they don't organise something amazing for your birthday go postal on them.

Birdsgottafly · 18/08/2015 13:17

I'm a Hands on Nan and see it as it benefiting me, I love my relationship with my GD and am pleased she isn't like many of the Mums on here, keeping their children to themselves, so I'm ignoring a lot of your post.

I also get taken for granted, but have learned to live with that.

You don't know if they'd do the same for you, it's over a year away and you seemed to assume that they are not.

This is easily solved by having an open conversation about this happening for your 60th and start planning how and when it's going to happen (given that there a school aged children).

It's crap not having the income you'd like when you get older, I'm in the same position, so I am sympathetic, just don't get caught up in what you can't/haven't got.

SaucyJack · 18/08/2015 13:17

I can see that that would feel like a slap in the face.

It's a backhanded compliment tho. People often take the most dependable people in their lives for granted. It's human nature to feel you don't have to "try" or perform with people who love you unconditionally.

Doesn't mean you shouldn't have a quiet word though.

CrystalCove · 18/08/2015 13:17

It will eat away at you unless you say something about how hurt you are.

MokunMokun · 18/08/2015 13:18

Sorry, just realised his birthday is next year too. Definitely time for a chat with them. It sounds like they take you for granted.

Baaaaaaaaaaaa · 18/08/2015 13:18

Is there any reason you can't go on ex H's birthday holiday?

mojo17 · 18/08/2015 13:18

I can understand you feeling left out its horrible
What I would do is say what a great thing they are all doing for their father and you are really looking to doing something similar, be excited about it all and ask how you could all make it work, where will you go etc.,
Put it in a way that it's a given if you like and really big it up as a brilliant thing for families to do etc.
It's not exactly emotional blackmail especially as you sound as if you haven't gone in for that sort of thing before but just setting out your expectations.
For the other holiday just tell her the reasons you've said here and say you're saving up for the big family get together now, be excited about it all

Stingingthistle · 18/08/2015 13:18

Yabu, absolutely utterly and massively.

Your ex has his 60th coming up so they are planning something nice for it to treat their dad. You don't have yours coming up for over a year! Do you expect people to plan your birthday treats that far in advance?! Just wait and see what happens for your 60th birthday and stop being so woe is me.

This treat for their dad is nothing to do with you. Don't make it about you.

nocabbageinmyeye · 18/08/2015 13:19

Well it's not your 60th that's why you don't get the paid holiday. It's a birthday gift and your 60th isn't for 14 months, don't say a word, I'm afraid you'll have to wait and see what you get before you can be disappointed as you have no right to be disappointed now. Yabu

Sanch1 · 18/08/2015 13:19

I would say in a jokey, but serious way 'So, if you're all taking dad away to Greece for his 60th, where are you taking me for mine?!'

AnotherTimeMaybe · 18/08/2015 13:19

YANBU how can you not be jealous!
I do believe though that this shows you've done a brilliant job raising your DCs not slagging off their dads etc hence they have a good relationship with him

Also they might feel sorry for him for something - did he go through anything at all?

Oldraver · 18/08/2015 13:20

Tell her you cant afford this year to pay for a holiday so soon after being un-employed

Stingingthistle · 18/08/2015 13:20

Just re read... The dads is next years and yours is 14 months later so could actually be in about 2 years? Geez...

maddy68 · 18/08/2015 13:25

It isn't your 60 th forthe holiday they have offered you.

They have just asked if you'd like to tag along on theirs?

I'm sure they will do something for your 60th too

Please do mention it to them but don't get over emotional about it. Just be calm

Hassled · 18/08/2015 13:25

I can absolutely understand why you're feeling a bit overlooked and taken for granted (is your DD grateful for all you do? Does she thank you?) but I think you have to wait until it's actually closer to your birthday and see what happens. It could be you'll have your own birthday holiday thing. I don't think they've "picked him" necessarily - it's just not time for yours yet.

If your birthday comes and goes and you get no special fuss then that's the time to spell out how upset you are.

CiderwithBuda · 18/08/2015 13:27

I think the two holidays are separate issues. The one for your X's 60th is all of the DCs and grand children. This other holiday your DD has mentioned just sound like she is inviting you on holiday this year so you won't feel left out and probably also to help with childcare.

You are under no obligation to agree to the holiday with your dd this year. I would probably just say money is a bit tight this year and you are not keen on going with people you don't know so thanks but not thanks and that she should go and have a lovely time. I would also say you love the sound of what they are doing for their dad this year and would love to do something similar for you 60th.

toofatforgym · 18/08/2015 13:28

YANBU I would feel the same in your position.

If it were me, I would explain to DD that I am only just getting back on my feet financially and that I cannot really afford the holiday suggested but should be in a position to go away with them the following year for my birthday (they then offer to do the same for you that they are for their DF)

5Foot5 · 18/08/2015 13:36

I think YAB a bit U given that this holiday is his birthday treat and your 60th isn't for another 14 months.

Perhaps you should say something about the holiday they are all having for his 60th sounds like a lovely idea and you hope that you can all do something similar for your when it comes.

Thymeout · 18/08/2015 13:37

I think there may be a misunderstanding here. As Cider says, your dd feels bad about you missing out on the family trip to Greece, and her suggestion is to make up for that - not as an inferior birthday celebration to the one they're organising for your exh. It's an extra, not a substitute. But, if you can't afford it and don't want to go, then, obviously you can say no.

Your 60th isn't till the following year. I'd wait and see what happens then before being hurt and offended.

FriteFuaite · 18/08/2015 13:40

It might not be the following year, tho, or have I read this wrong?? ExH birthday could be next August 2016, and Op's birthday October 2016? I think it's a bit mean, tbh, but you should say something to your dd as PPs have said.

G1veMeStrength · 18/08/2015 13:41

I'd say it is lovely of your DD to think of your holiday 'needs' this year and explain you can't afford it right now. But that when your 60th eventually rolls around you would love to go on a big family holiday.

It sounds like you have raised a very nice daughter tbh.

contractor6 · 18/08/2015 13:43

They maybe be arranging something next year for yours, have they just organised this one?

Id suggest that if you want to see everyone together then arrange for the family to come over yourself?

museumum · 18/08/2015 13:46

It's a bit premature to be assuming your 60th from them will not be equally as good as your exh's.

Why not say something like "oh what a lovely holiday, your dad is lucky - I would love to see you all in some way for my birthday too!
Oh but don't worry about the other trip, I'd rather save my money this time.

BoredAdminGirl · 18/08/2015 13:46

I think it is massively unlikely that they would organise this for your EXH and not you.

How do you know that they are not going to do something similar - or bigger for you? Your birthday is a year and a half after his.

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