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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset about this holiday offer?

53 replies

GrannyGrunts · 18/08/2015 13:10

I need to know if IABU and spoilt or if I'm within my right to be upset.

I have 3DC, who all have OHs and children of their own. I divorced their dad 25 years ago and we all have a great relationship with each other. I'm single and exH remarried a few years ago.

DD has told me that for ExHs 60th next year they are taking him away on holiday to Greece, all the kids, OHs and grandkids. I'll admit I felt a pang of jealousy - due to locations and busy lives it's rare all my DC and DGC are under one roof let alone together for a week! But I kept this inside. They are paying for his flights and accommodation, as well as his DWs, as his present.

DD then said "I haven't forgotten you either" and TBH I fully expected her to say that they were gonna do the same for my 60th - which is 14 months after ExHs.

But she said that I could come along to the holiday they are having a couple of months after the Greece one, with her OHs family (his mum, dad, siblings and nieces). Id have to buy my own flights but can go in DGCs rooms with them so I don't have to pay for accommodation.

Problem is, her OH is a relatively new BF and I've only met his family a couple of times. Also I lost my job a while ago and currently working for minimum wage, and catching up on payments I couldn't make whilst unemployed, so not sure if I can afford a return flight in half term.

I asked if my other DC and their little ones would be coming and she said she hadn't mentioned it but probably not as its really a thing for her OHs family.

I don't think it's a money thing - all my DC have decent jobs and holiday twice a year usually - but even if it was, I'm thinking - why him? Why does he get the big holiday, and not me? Selfish I know, but particularly with my DD, for the purposes of not drip feeding I will give a bit of background. She has 3DC, and for various reasons has often struggled raising the older 2. There's been a few occasions where I've taken them in to live with me, sometimes for months, whilst she gets her head together. She now has a 1yo, who sleeps over at mine at least once a week so DD and her OH get a break. I also watch 1yo DGD on Fridays so they can work, and spring clean her house on Friday nights (she's v busy and would live in a pigsty otherwise). I have never taken cash off her for any of this. So you see I feel as if I'm owed just a little bit of gratitude and it would have been nice if they "picked me".

DS and DDIL are coming for tea tonight, I don't know wether to mention it or live and let live. I just feel kinda short changed by it all.

OP posts:

Alanna1 · 18/08/2015 13:47

You aren't my mum, are you?? I joke, but we did something like this for my dad's 65th, and it isn't my mum's yet, and my mum does a lot more for us on a day-to-day basis than my dad does. Sometimes you forget to thank those to whom you are most grateful enough - although it is pretty clear when the grandchildren are there which grandparent they run too! Does your daughter know of your current financial circumstances? Have you told her how you feel? We tend to pay for my dad a little more than my mum as my mum has much more money and my dad extended responsibilities elsewhere, but sometimes assumptions can get made without proper understanding. Chat to your daughter, please - I bet she'll make it up to you!

Mintyy · 18/08/2015 13:48

I think we need to know if the holiday this year is what your dd has suggested you do in celebration of your 60th? Can you clarify that please?

GloGirl · 18/08/2015 13:49

YANBU but don't say anything. If you don't want to go on this holiday then don't, and see what they do the following year.

Waltermittythesequel · 18/08/2015 13:54

Yabu because you have no idea what they have planned for you!

Yours is a year later?

How do you know they won't do it for you?

Am I missing something?

YeOldeTrout · 18/08/2015 13:58

Um, just say you can't afford to buy the flights right now so Ta but have to give it a miss. As for what happens in 14 months, I can't think that far ahead myself.

locketpocket · 18/08/2015 14:01

I've read it as OP EXH 60th birthday is next August (2016) then OP 60th is 14 months later, October 2017?

If that's the case OP, then when your DC talk about your EXH birthday holiday, remind them that once that holiday is over, they'll have 14 months to plan yours.

Totality22 · 18/08/2015 14:02

So they have planned his 6th for next year? But yours is not until 14 months after that? So 2 years away?

Maybe close to the time they'll organise a 6th holiday for you?

Totality22 · 18/08/2015 14:03

*60th

maybebabybee · 18/08/2015 14:03

YANBU. I was brought up by my mum and would never ever do something like this for my Dad without doing something as good as (or better, probably) for her!

locketpocket · 18/08/2015 14:05

Also, possibly your daughter offered the Greek holiday as a compromise?

If your birthday is in 2017, I would really try not to think about it now.

sticklebrickstickle · 18/08/2015 14:05

YANBU to be upset BUT your 60th is still 14 months away. Are you sure there won't be something similar planned for yours?

It might be that you will get the big holiday too but, reasonably, not until your birthday in 2016.

Mintyy · 18/08/2015 14:12

Actually, as a pp has pointed out, Granny's birthday is in 2017. But we don't know if the tagging along holiday after ex-h's 60th next summer, is what is being suggested as her 60th celebration.

Perhaps op would come back and say.

MagalyMaman · 18/08/2015 14:21

I wouldn't go 'postal'.

I'd act as though you were looking forward to the same 'deal' for your 60th! Tell them you hope you have a great time, tell them all it was a great idea, mention how you "can't wait for your turn!"

Original poster

GrannyGrunts · 18/08/2015 14:21

Hi all
Thanks for responses
To clarify, by the way my DD worded it - and I'm willing to accept I could be wrong - the holiday with her OHs family is in place of a 60th holiday. She said (not verbatim but good enough) - "I haven't forgotten you either, you get a holiday too, you can come with me and OH And his family, we're getting a villa in Gran Canaria. Wouldn't be fair if dad got something and you didn't."
Later in the conversation she mentioned how much she's looking forward to the family holiday with their dad as the kids will probably never spend so much time together in one place again.

It may not come across in my post but I live and breath my GC. Which is why I'm sad at the thought of not being in their company for a week like exH.

To a pp who asked, technically I could go on the exH family holiday - were still good friends and talk frequently - but I haven't been asked and I think that's for a reason. After all who wants their DHs ex wife on holiday with them?

I'm hoping I'm jumping the gun and that they haven't even thought that far ahead. I think I'll do some subtle(ish) poking around for info

OP posts:

TerrorAustralis · 18/08/2015 14:22

YABU, your 60th is still a long way off. I'm sure if your DC are doing something so nice for their dad, they will do something equally nice for you. If you say something now you risk upsetting your DC and quite frankly they might not want to do something for you when the time comes.

You sound a bit spoiled to be honest.

MagalyMaman · 18/08/2015 14:23

ps, I'm not surprised you feel a bit short changed :-/

MagalyMaman · 18/08/2015 14:26

Reading your update, don't panic yet

Your 60th probably feels like it's looming large, and you're making comparisons and feeling short changed but to your children, 2017 feels ages away.

For now, I'd act like you are happy for them all going off together for a great holiday but sort of let it be known that your are assuming you will get the same holiday yourself! That might sound a bit manipulative to others! I dunno

SugarPlumTree · 18/08/2015 14:35

I don't think she means that what she offered is for your 60th, it's on offer for next year as they are doing something big for their Father's present but she didn't want you to feel totally left out despite it not being your 60th.

She sounds lovely and would probably be really upset if she realised you though what she offered next year was meant as your 60th. Suspect they will do something similar for yours but it's too far off for them to have decided yet.

Collaborate · 18/08/2015 14:36

Another one who thinks YABU. This holiday offer was just to make you feel better for the fact that you'll be missing out on your ex's holiday present.

FGS your present will come over a year after his. If you start taking the advice of some of the previous posters and drop large hints about your 60th present being at least as good then one of your kids is going to start their own thread about an entitled mother.

You don't have to go you know. If you're going to spend the whole holiday stewing about how it's not as good as your ex's 60th present then you'd better decline.

Mintyy · 18/08/2015 15:09

God, people really do get themselves worked up over nothing sometimes!

DunderMiffed · 18/08/2015 15:12

I'd say thanks for the kind offer of the room, you can't afford the flight this year so you'll just have to wait until you all go away for your 60th!

Gaspard · 20/08/2015 11:36

It’s totally understandable that you feel hurt – if the facts are, indeed, as you’ve understood them – but how much would you enjoy a gift that you got having dropped heavy hints that you would be really upset if you didn’t get the same/that you’re expecting a big treat as well/ whatever else? If you do that, you’ll never know if what you got was the result of guilt or if they had something nice in the works and decided to make sure everything was exactly equal because you made it very clear that you expected it to be. More importantly though, much as it is lovely to be appreciated for all we do, especially for our loved ones, nobody is entitled, as of right, to any gifts, no matter what the occasion. I think it is appropriate and a milestone birthday is an excellent opportunity to express gratitude and love but I don’t think there should be any feelings of entitlement at all around this. I’m a little surprised at the number of responses suggesting that you bring it up and hash it out/say you’re expecting nothing less, etc! That said, I’d probably feel very hurt but wouldn’t make a meal out of it or try to corner your DD into making sure she does the same for you. Therefore you WBU to fall out over it/do anything approaching manipulation to get the same present but you ANBU to feel hurt.

Shutthatdoor · 20/08/2015 11:44

I think the two holidays are separate issues. The one for your X's 60th is all of the DCs and grand children. This other holiday your DD has mentioned just sound like she is inviting you on holiday this year so you won't feel left out and probably also to help with childcare.

This is how I read it too tbh.

Your birthday isn't for 2 years yet. See what happens.

TelephonicsSuper · 20/08/2015 11:50

I think YABU - you have no idea what they're planning for your birthday yet, seems like your DD is trying to include you now, and being mindful that you can't afford a lot hence the room sharing. If you can't afford to go, or don't really want to then just let her know that...

ImperialBlether · 20/08/2015 11:57

I'd say, "No it's okay, I'll wait until my 60th. I can't wait to have the sort of holiday you're having with your dad!"

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