To feel sorry for my mum

[FlowersAndShit]

I recently moved out, and my mum is fed up because my stepfather is a tight bastard. I used to buy the shopping, but now i've moved out it's between my mum and stepdad. My mum is terrible with money, but her husband will take £400 of her wages each month (she earns 1200 a month) to pay for the bills. He says this is fair because he pays for their very active social life (they go out to eat/drink 4-5 times a week).

However, stepdad is a tight miser where household essentials etc is concerned. He'll happily spend a shit ton of money on booze and eating out (he's a functioning alcoholic). My mother is depressed because once her money runs out, he won't buy the shopping/essentials. I had to buy bread and milk this week because my mum doesn't have any money and fuckface doesn't care.

He comes home at dinner time and expects her to put together a meal with just frozen veg in the freezeer, the odd bit of breaded fish and possibly pasta/chips. They have no toilet paper, because apparently my mum is using too much and should only be using two squares to wipe herself. He said he'd happily use newspaper instead of wasting money on toilet paper.

AIBU or is my stepdad a tight bastard?

Why is she with this charmer ?
Yes he is a tight bastard

Yadnbu. What a miserable way for your poor mum to spend her life. He sounds like a right tight, miserly git.

I don't usually go throwing these terms around, but that is abuse.
Get some proper help for your mum.

What does your mum spend the other £800 of her wages on?

Whilst your stepdad sounds charming, what the hell does your mum spend £800 a month on?

If she has that much disposable income, she can afford to buy her own essentials.

good question. she uses it for her mobile/petrol for the month, their social life (more booze) hair/nails/clothes she also uses it to pay for other bills too.

Mortgage?

Your DM spends her money on hair, nails, clothes etc but you are having to buy her milk and bread? YABU to feel sorry for her.

I think I feel more sorry for you OP than either of them

Why didn't she buy bread and milk from the remaining £800?

He does sound charmless but equally she should be able to do a simple budget and have enough for bead, milk and loo roll. Surely we would expect even a newly fledged student to do this? Being useless with money is very charmless,too and I suspect he is fed up with her fecklessness.

Perhaps they are well matched?

Why is your mum letting her partner dictate what's for dinner and how much loo roll she can use?!

Well, she can always choose to not spend it on more booze, her nails and clothes.

Yes he's a tightfisted arsehole - but she's choosing that life and she is also making poor choices.

I have no sympathy for him or for her. At all. I grew up with parents who spent all the money on crap leaving us hiding from the rent man, the provvy man and wiping our arses on torn up pages from books and the derbyshire times. Bathing in a baby bath with a kettle full of hot water because there was no money for coal. Gas running out. Electric running out. Selling our christmas presents in January. Taking our christmas money from relatives. Living off chips because potatoes were cheap. Grandparents buying all our clothes. They always had fags and chocolate though.

If she knows there isn't going to be money for bread, she doesn't get her nails done. It sounds like he's beyond hope but maybe she can get it together.

Agree.

Don't buy her anything, or she'll just depend on you.
She should have enough of the 800 to buy toilet paper, FGS.
I'd be opening my door to her for when she wants to leave him. Otherwise, she's an adult and making her own choices.

Why are you feeling sorry for her; when she herself is prioritising the remaining two thirds of her salary on booze and eating out??

£800 a month spare and she runs out of essentials like bread, milk and loo roll? Your step dad sounds like an arse but your dm doesn't sound much better tbh.

she also helps me with my rent i've told her to come live with me

They both sound as bad as each other. And I think your Mum is taking the living piss out of you, spending her own income on clothes, nails and booze then expecting you to bail her out. I don't really see what the problem with that dinner is either. And perhaps she should use some of that £800 to buy loo roll. And £400 towards bills is reasonable to me.

I think your Mum has done a bang up job convincing you SF is at fault for being tight, when actually it's her profligacy which is causing the problems. Because if you'd cottoned on to that you'd stop bailing her out. And if she's just burning through money and has none left at the end of the month SF might have a point about him controlling a lot of the household budget so she doesn't spend it.

She's taking you for a mug.

Stop taking her money yourself, that might help.

Balloon I'm unable to work and I had to move out because stepdad was verbally abusive to me

So when you lived at home you paid for food.

You moved out, no longer give money for food and your mum gives you some money for rent.

She runs out of money and you give her some money for food

You are unhappy about this.

Is that right?

ok, if she didn't feel she had to help you out, she would have enough money, is that what you're saying?

So how can you improve your lot? are you getting all the help you are entitled to? If you are physically unable to work, have you made sure you are getting all the assistance you can?

If there is room for your mum at your home, but she won't leave, can you have a lodger or flatmate instead?

Is she an alcoholic too?
Does he work?

I don't think he's tight for taking £400 for bills and stuff and your mum should be buying top ups like bread, milk and toilet roll out of the £800 left over.

If she is paying a lot towards your rent which means she cannot afford the essentials then you need to reconsider your arrangement. If you cannot work are you sure you're claiming whatever benefits you're entitled to?

This is all very drip feedy.