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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sorry for my mum

56 replies

FlowersAndShit · 17/08/2015 16:12

I recently moved out, and my mum is fed up because my stepfather is a tight bastard. I used to buy the shopping, but now i've moved out it's between my mum and stepdad. My mum is terrible with money, but her husband will take £400 of her wages each month (she earns 1200 a month) to pay for the bills. He says this is fair because he pays for their very active social life (they go out to eat/drink 4-5 times a week).

However, stepdad is a tight miser where household essentials etc is concerned. He'll happily spend a shit ton of money on booze and eating out (he's a functioning alcoholic). My mother is depressed because once her money runs out, he won't buy the shopping/essentials. I had to buy bread and milk this week because my mum doesn't have any money and fuckface doesn't care.

He comes home at dinner time and expects her to put together a meal with just frozen veg in the freezeer, the odd bit of breaded fish and possibly pasta/chips. They have no toilet paper, because apparently my mum is using too much and should only be using two squares to wipe herself. He said he'd happily use newspaper instead of wasting money on toilet paper.

AIBU or is my stepdad a tight bastard?

OP posts:

musicalbingo · 17/08/2015 17:22

£800 a month on
mobile/petrol, more booze, hair/nails/clothes, other bills too

you lost me right here.... I feed myself very nicely for approx £40 a week / £120 PM (Organic meat and milks lots of fresh fruit and veg)

Your Step father may "take" £400 for bills but by the sound of it your mother is a massive spendthrift.
If she had that £400 I bet you 10 to the pound you'd still be bailing her out and buying her milk and bread.

musicalbingo · 17/08/2015 17:24

good grief just saw the update from OP.

Ridiculously Drip Feedy

fabuLou · 17/08/2015 17:25

She has £800 a month and he pays for them to eat out most days. your dm needs to manage her money, no?

Sazzle41 · 17/08/2015 17:32

It sounds like both their priorities are skewed. Once you have covered the basics of rent/mortgage and bills, then and only then do you see whats left for makeup, clothes, nights out and budget accordingly. She chooses to stay with him and it may sound harsh but though you sound kind and well meaning, you are actually enabling them prioritising booze and social life over food.

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 17/08/2015 17:34

Is she giving you more money than you're giving her?

Original poster

FlowersAndShit · 17/08/2015 17:37

Sorry didn't mean to drip feed. My money doesn't cover the rent so she pays £170 toward it. She's always been terrible with money, she's very impulsive and I think she's addicted to the high of spending and shopping. She's very unhappy and been with stepdad for 20 years. She's in about 10k of debt too.

OP posts:

gobbynorthernbird · 17/08/2015 17:48

You're renting a place nearly £200 per month above the LHA? You need to start looking for something cheaper ASAP and stop taking advantage of your mum.

BalloonSlayer · 17/08/2015 17:54

I am not sure it's fair to call someone subsidising you to the tune of £170 a month "terrible with money."

Original poster

FlowersAndShit · 17/08/2015 18:03

Gobby The LHA is £55 a week, my rent is cheaper than most places. I had my name on HA and council list but I couldn't put up with the emotional abuse anymore as I already suffer with depression and anxiety.

OP posts:

slithytove · 17/08/2015 18:11

What does stepdad earn? Seems fair, DH 'takes' all my earnings, everything is joint and everything comes out of it. No hair/nails/makeup affordable.

She is contributing £400 to the household plus her petrol?
Then helps you for £170.

Why isn't £600 enough for fripperies?
Who pays the grocery bill?

Original poster

FlowersAndShit · 17/08/2015 18:16

Stepdad earns the same, so 1200 a month. They take it in turns to buy groceries.

OP posts:

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 17/08/2015 18:20

So your mum is subbing you then? Well if nothing else, you could simplify things by her giving you whatever she's been paying less the cost of the bread and milk.

I can see why you feel sorry for her as your stepdad sounds horrible. Equally, at least some of this is of her own making, and I don't think £400 a month is an unreasonable amount to be expected to contribute to household expenses from a salary of £1200 per month. I suppose the question is whether they both get equal amounts of 'fun money'. And they clearly both need to reassess their spending, since their relative addictions mean they can't afford basics.

Have you had a full benefits check?

NerrSnerr · 17/08/2015 18:21

I think you need to find a way to support yourself. Could you get a housemate? Are you on DLA (or equivalent?)

Floggingmolly · 17/08/2015 18:24

Bit rich to feel sorry for her with her miserly partner when you're making a fairly good attempt at bleeding her dry yourself

slithytove · 17/08/2015 18:42

Does the stepdad put in £400 towards household expenses?

Original poster

FlowersAndShit · 17/08/2015 18:56

Muff yes, i'm on dla and esa. She's only paying my rent for a few months and I will take over as moving etc has left me with little.

Flogging Piss off and stop being a goady fucker. Her paying 170 to my rent is hardly me bleeding her dry. I had to leave when he threatened to give me a good kicking and called me a cunt etc whilst she blamed me for winding him up. I've put up with his shit since I was a young child (she's been with him since I was 1) so it's hardly me bleeding her dry, it's a temporary measure until I'm well enough to get a job.

Slithy No he doesn't, apart from when he feels like buying the weekly shop. Also expects my mum to do everything around the house. He considers mowing the lawns once a month his share.

OP posts:

ThisNameIsBetterThanMyRealOne · 17/08/2015 19:07

Op, you are 19 years old and are talking about something you know nothing about. Your Mum is 10k in debt and has £800pm spare which she wastes on hair, nails and clothes?

Tbh I think I'd be pretty pissed off with her if I was your Step Dad. He is/has probably tried for years to get her to control her spending.

After all the drip feeds I am actually starting to see his point of not wanting to bail her out by the end of the month.

Original poster

FlowersAndShit · 17/08/2015 19:16

I'm not sure where i've said i'm 19, thisname I'm 24

OP posts:

ThisNameIsBetterThanMyRealOne · 17/08/2015 19:19

You said your DM and SD had been together 20 years and they have been together since you were 1!

She's very unhappy and been with stepdad for 20 years.

I've put up with his shit since I was a young child (she's been with him since I was 1)

pictish · 17/08/2015 19:25

OP I'm not going to accuse you of bleeding your mum dry...and I'm going to agree with you that your stepdad is mean and tightfisted.

However, your mum knows the score there, yet she still chooses to blow her cash on shoes and shite. Yes she's terrible with money, yes she's unhappy and yes she likes spending...but you must understand from an outsider's pov, that sympathy over her having no bread or milk is going to be in short supply.
In as much as your mum has your stepdad to contend with, she's not without bread and milk because of him...that's her own doing.

Original poster

FlowersAndShit · 17/08/2015 19:34

Oops Sorry thisName have changed a few details as don't want to out myself as family member comes on this board.

pictish I know it's her doing but she's my mum and I can't see her go without She has nobody else and neither do I.

OP posts:

LazyLohan · 17/08/2015 19:43

Why aren't your brother and sister helping her out?

pictish · 17/08/2015 20:00

I understand. You scratch each others backs. It's a nice, kind dynamic.

But I do worry that your dislike of your stepdad (who sounds la right bellend - 2 sheets per wipe? None of your fucking business pal!) is colouring your view of the situation. They both sound like self indulgent, irresponsible children wanting (and having) treats all the time.

If they both earn the same they should be contributing to the essentials like food and bills 50/50. If your mum has blown her lot on clothes, that's not going to be possible is it? Is he just supposed to stand back and let her splurge on whatever frivolous nonsense she wants, then keep them afloat to the end of the month alone?
I'm sure your stepfather is a miser...but she's equally as difficult to live with in a financial sense, because she has the spending savvy of a teenager with his first wage packet.

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 17/08/2015 20:07

But I do worry that your dislike of your stepdad (who sounds la right bellend - 2 sheets per wipe? None of your fucking business pal!) is colouring your view of the situation. They both sound like self indulgent, irresponsible children wanting (and having) treats all the time.

Yeah. They're both fucking up the family finances. He's doing the classic addict thing of being really tight about basics because he spends so much on his addiction and vices that there's nothing left for bread, milk and bog roll. Your mum's doing the classic spendthrift thing of spending money she doesn't have and not worrying about putting enough aside for bread, milk and bog roll. They're both behaving equally destructively, in different ways. He is evidently a twat in other ways, but they're both to blame for the financial problems.

Original poster

FlowersAndShit · 17/08/2015 20:09

I agree

OP posts:

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