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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take my wife to A&E even though she doesn't want to.

238 replies

worriedH · 17/08/2015 14:52

Hi I am a first time poster but my wife uses this website a lot and she has shown it too me many times and I have used it a couple times now as well.

So I need some advice and I don't want to ask friends or family because that feels wrong and I know she wouldn't like to think that I was talking about her to family behind her back.
So I am hoping some strangers on the internet can help advise me instead.

There is a bit of background to this.
Before I met my wife she was in an abusive relationship and part of that was that he wouldn't allow her to go to the doctors when she was hurt or ill unless he decided it was necessary. Also her parents didn't like taking her to the doctors and would only take her if she was really in pain otherwise they would say that she was wasting the doctors time they also used to tell her horror stories about doctors doing awful things to their patients to stop her asking to go.

All this seems to have combined and made her reluctant to see medical professionals unless she is desperate. She takes the kids if anything is wrong with them and when she was pregnant she went fine (but she did say she was going for the baby) but if its anything to do with her she just refuses to go.She also doesn't like going by herself and tends to take me or sometimes my mother if I can't go.

So she had our baby three weeks ago, she tore rather badly and lost a bit of blood and had to have a transfusion, and the baby had a few problems breathing at first so they were both kept in for a little while but they were fine in the end and came home.

Everything was fine for the first two weeks and then one night she was sitting down and she said her stomach was hurting her a bit. She stood up and went for a walk and after an hour she said it was fine and she must have been sitting strangely.

The next day in the early hours she woke up and told me that she felt sick but her stomach hurt and she didn't think she could get out of bed without being sick. I got her the sick bucket and she was sick and then a few minutes later she said she felt much better and she got up and went to brush her teeth.

Then the next day I came home from work and found her sitting on the bed shaking saying that her stomach was hurting and she had to go to A&E as I was calling my parents to come and look after the kids she was sick and then said she felt fine and she wouldn't go to the hospital anymore.

I was sitting next to her yesterday an noticed that her stomach was bloated and it was hard to touch. I asked her if she was okay and she said yes. I asked her if she wanted to ring the out-of hours number for the doctors and she said no. But I noticed she was having a bit of trouble walking and bending and picking up the baby. So I asked her again and she told me to stop asking her as I was worrying her.

This morning she has woken up with stomach pains in the lower half of her stomach. She is struggling to stand up straight and she struggled to get to our bathroom. She's shaking aging though she keeps saying it's not that bad and she looks really pale.

I want to take her to A&E but she won't go she says she doesn't want to leave the baby and she is getting really upset when I am asking to take her. I have told her I am really worried but she started crying and saying that she just has to wait and be sick again and then she will be fine but it's been hours now and I am worried but she keeps telling me that its none of my business and I need to do what she asks and respect her decision.

I am wondering now if I should just carry her to the car and make her go. But then I don't want her to hate me for forcing her but I am really worried and I would feel awful if it was something serious.

So would I be unreasonable to just take her anyway, or how can I convince her to go without forcing her.

Also if anyone thinks they might know what it is do feel free to share just to give me an idea of what it might be.
Thank you

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 17/08/2015 18:52

This sounds worrying. Glad you are so caring and hope they treat her well and she feels much better soon.

GinAndSonic · 17/08/2015 18:54

Could be as simple as bad constipation, or as serious as an infection / retained placenta in her uterus, either way, getting seen by medical professionals is the right course, please let us know how she is.

Starbrite00 · 17/08/2015 18:54

Pleas ring ambulance and get her to hospital now.
This sounds like an infection or internal bleed. If not for herself go for her children.

KitKat1985 · 17/08/2015 19:10

Yes I would say she needs medical attention. You could always suggest to her to ring 111 for advice and maybe she will accept it more readily if they tell her to A&E. Hope she's okay.

Patspanandjam · 17/08/2015 19:16

I hope all is going ok. Please let us know. Thinking of your wife.

BellMcEnd · 17/08/2015 19:21

I also hope that all is well. Thinking of both of you. Flowers

ScoutRifle · 17/08/2015 19:28

I wish your wife a speedy recovery op and well done you for getting her to go.
Good luck at the hospital.

Nevergoingtolearn · 17/08/2015 19:39

I had the same symptoms 3 weeks after having dd1, I was lucky that my gp agreed to come out and do a home visit, I had quite a bad infection where bits of the placenta were left behind, after antibiotics I was ok, had to go to hospital for a scan to check everything had gone.

FryOneFatManic · 17/08/2015 19:43

Fingers crossed your wife is okay and being seen Thanks

Catsize · 17/08/2015 19:43

Hope everything is okay. Well done for persuading her. Flowers

Original poster
worriedH · 17/08/2015 20:03

Thank you all

So from the last time I posted I eventually got her dressed (she had to wear my old joggers because all her clothes were hurting her, then my parents arrived so I put the baby in the car and then carried my wife to the car which was difficult because although I tried to be careful the movement was making it worse.

When we got to the hospital I had to leave her in the car and get a wheelchair and when I came back for her She had bled through the joggers and been sick. She was also in tears with the pain.

I got her in and they checked her out and they think she has retained some of the placenta which had mostly broken down into fragments and they also said that she had an infection. They put her in a room and found a cot for the baby. While all this was happening she was becoming increasingly upset and she was obviously in a lot of pain so they gave her something to ease the discomfort but any movement was still making her wince. She kept saying sorry to me all the time.

Some specialists came in to look at her and they decided to operate to remove what is there as it didn't look like it was going to come out by itself. So that's where she is now, I have brought the baby outside for a bit while we wait so hopefully the baby will sleep later on when she is out from the surgery. I have called my parents and the other kids are fine so now I'm just waiting.

Thank you to everyone for there support and the great post about DS I chargers which made me smile.
To answer some of your questions she has had some counselling to help her and she is much better than she was , she probably needs some more help but I can talk about that with her when she is better.

She is a good woman and she is incredibly strong and I am am very proud of her and I'm not sure about me being "a lovely husband" but she is a very lovely wife and I am trying to remember that rather than worry about her too much.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 17/08/2015 20:04

Aww you sound sweet. Glad she's in the best place x

VivaLeBeaver · 17/08/2015 20:07

They will get her sorted. Once they've got the bits of placenta out and started her on IV antibiotics she will recover quickly.

Catsize · 17/08/2015 20:08

OP, you sound so very lovely and caring. I hope my son turns out as great as you seem. Star
I hope the operation is a success - thank goodness you persuaded her! Will be thinking of you this evening.

CanIKondo · 17/08/2015 20:09

Well done OP. You did great. Wishing your DW a speedy recovery Flowers

Twinkie1 · 17/08/2015 20:11

Glad she's getting the care she needs. You do sound lovely, don't put yourself down.

winewolfhowls · 17/08/2015 20:11

Well done op you do sound like a good un. Wishing your wife a speedy recovery

ohtheholidays · 17/08/2015 20:12

I am so glad you took her to the hospital.

I only started reading your thread a few minutes ago and straight way knew it would be retained products.

We have 5DC,I had it happen twice.

It can be really serious!The first time I had it happen I had to go into hospital for a week,had the operation and was put into intensive care.

Don't want to scare you,just wanted to let you know to keep an eye on your wifes health being as she really dislikes the idea of the hospitals or DR's.

I hate going into hospital or the DR's,with my family my Mum and Dad went to the DR's constantly,most of the time for nothing,for themselves so it's affected how I feel about going into hospital or to the Dr's,I avoid at as much as possible so I do get how your wife feels.

I hope she's back home and feeling much better very soon. Flowers

FlossieTreadlight · 17/08/2015 20:14

So glad you've got help. Thanks For all of you

LegoComplex · 17/08/2015 20:16

i hope she's feeling better and back on her feet soon Flowers thank god she went to get help.

Littleen · 17/08/2015 20:16

Glad she's on the mend x

Original poster
worriedH · 17/08/2015 20:19

ohtheholidays thank you for sharing your personal experience.

And thank you everyone for the good wishes.

OP posts:
mojo17 · 17/08/2015 20:19

You do sound a lovely couple, so glad she went in with you.
She is being looked after there and they will,also look after baby too.what you need to do is look after yourself now, make you eat and sleep well enough for she. She gets out of hospital
Glad your family is there for you too,

Northumberlandlass · 17/08/2015 20:20

Thanks for taking the time to update. I wish you DW a speedy recovery. I am so pleased you took her in.

You sound like a lovely lovely man & i wish you & your family well

bobsbusy · 17/08/2015 20:20

This has made me cry, you both sound like a lovely couple and a good team. Very best wishes Smile