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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take my wife to A&E even though she doesn't want to.

238 replies

worriedH · 17/08/2015 14:52

Hi I am a first time poster but my wife uses this website a lot and she has shown it too me many times and I have used it a couple times now as well.

So I need some advice and I don't want to ask friends or family because that feels wrong and I know she wouldn't like to think that I was talking about her to family behind her back.
So I am hoping some strangers on the internet can help advise me instead.

There is a bit of background to this.
Before I met my wife she was in an abusive relationship and part of that was that he wouldn't allow her to go to the doctors when she was hurt or ill unless he decided it was necessary. Also her parents didn't like taking her to the doctors and would only take her if she was really in pain otherwise they would say that she was wasting the doctors time they also used to tell her horror stories about doctors doing awful things to their patients to stop her asking to go.

All this seems to have combined and made her reluctant to see medical professionals unless she is desperate. She takes the kids if anything is wrong with them and when she was pregnant she went fine (but she did say she was going for the baby) but if its anything to do with her she just refuses to go.She also doesn't like going by herself and tends to take me or sometimes my mother if I can't go.

So she had our baby three weeks ago, she tore rather badly and lost a bit of blood and had to have a transfusion, and the baby had a few problems breathing at first so they were both kept in for a little while but they were fine in the end and came home.

Everything was fine for the first two weeks and then one night she was sitting down and she said her stomach was hurting her a bit. She stood up and went for a walk and after an hour she said it was fine and she must have been sitting strangely.

The next day in the early hours she woke up and told me that she felt sick but her stomach hurt and she didn't think she could get out of bed without being sick. I got her the sick bucket and she was sick and then a few minutes later she said she felt much better and she got up and went to brush her teeth.

Then the next day I came home from work and found her sitting on the bed shaking saying that her stomach was hurting and she had to go to A&E as I was calling my parents to come and look after the kids she was sick and then said she felt fine and she wouldn't go to the hospital anymore.

I was sitting next to her yesterday an noticed that her stomach was bloated and it was hard to touch. I asked her if she was okay and she said yes. I asked her if she wanted to ring the out-of hours number for the doctors and she said no. But I noticed she was having a bit of trouble walking and bending and picking up the baby. So I asked her again and she told me to stop asking her as I was worrying her.

This morning she has woken up with stomach pains in the lower half of her stomach. She is struggling to stand up straight and she struggled to get to our bathroom. She's shaking aging though she keeps saying it's not that bad and she looks really pale.

I want to take her to A&E but she won't go she says she doesn't want to leave the baby and she is getting really upset when I am asking to take her. I have told her I am really worried but she started crying and saying that she just has to wait and be sick again and then she will be fine but it's been hours now and I am worried but she keeps telling me that its none of my business and I need to do what she asks and respect her decision.

I am wondering now if I should just carry her to the car and make her go. But then I don't want her to hate me for forcing her but I am really worried and I would feel awful if it was something serious.

So would I be unreasonable to just take her anyway, or how can I convince her to go without forcing her.

Also if anyone thinks they might know what it is do feel free to share just to give me an idea of what it might be.
Thank you

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 25/08/2015 14:13

I do hope MN stays up long enough for the OP to update us if and when he has the time. I'm still keeping everything crossed that there will news of an improvement.

RainbowRoses · 25/08/2015 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rarity08 · 25/08/2015 18:24

Best wishes to you all Flowers

Original poster
worriedH · 25/08/2015 20:29

Thank you all.
Footle - it's quite alright I completely understand why you got rid of your posts no harm done.

My wife has gotten a little better, she has eaten a bit more and sleeping a bit less but the medication is still making her groggy when she initially wakes up and she has started having nightmares. She has been able to hold the baby more and she fed the baby a bottle today which was great.

The older kids visited again yesterday with pictures and cards. Which was nice but my wife was a bit sad afterwards because she missed them.
My wife has been sending me home a bit more to see the older kids and buy them things for school.

Also I read this thread to my wife. She laughed at me a lot and took the mick a bit but she was really touched by your concern.
She would like to thank you all for supporting me and giving me advice and help she is incredibly grateful for your kindness.

OP posts:
Catsize · 25/08/2015 20:56

Hello OP's wife. Here are some Flowers and some [Lucozade]

Glad you are getting better. This thread is why Mumsnet is so ace. Classics??

PausingFlatly · 25/08/2015 21:07

Best wishes for DW being out before school starts.

But if not, and she's well enough to sit up, there's always the possibility of borrowing a wheelchair from the hospital or Red Cross.

(Can't imagine getting all the way into the classroom in a wheelchair in the mayhem of first day, but with a bit of planning and perhaps cooperation from the school, you might be able to find an adequate alternative. I used to continually feel I'd let people down when I was ill, so I get how important these things are.)

RainbowRoses · 25/08/2015 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sirzy · 25/08/2015 21:55

Glad she is on the mend

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 25/08/2015 21:56

Hi,

Glad she has turned the corner and is starting to improve.

Seeing older dcs and feeding the baby will spur her on a lot.

Keep going!

And remember this, next time she declines medical help!

PowerPantsRule · 26/08/2015 00:45

What a lovely lovely husband you are, a really warming, touching thread. Get well soon worried's wife!

Gruntfuttock · 26/08/2015 00:52

Thank you for the update, OP and I'm so glad that your wife is improving.

SoleBizzzz · 26/08/2015 01:36

All the best and for a speedy recovery :)

Footle · 26/08/2015 06:58

Dear OP's Wife, you've got a good one there ! The bad dreams will stop when you get off the meds and back to your real self. I hope you'll make it to school first day but it's ok if you don't. Just get well - the kids know you love them.

mysticlogistic · 26/08/2015 09:43

You're both very lucky they have let you and the baby stay to much. Lots of places tbh would have given you a few hours visiting after the op and then sent you packing with the baby and let you back in for an hour or two a day. Ive never worked in a ward where visitors have been allowed to stay that long.

Glad she's getting better she's very lucky to have you

Heathcliff27 · 26/08/2015 10:06

Glad to see your DW is starting to come through this Thanks

TooScaredToPostPostHack · 26/08/2015 10:18

Mystic, hospitals have to accommodate babies to stay with mum (if appropriate) up to 4 weeks.

OP, you're doing fab and wishing your wife keeps improving

Jux · 26/08/2015 10:21

Delurking to say that you, your dw, and your parents, sound absolutely ace. Best wishes to you all.

Thanks to dw, hope she improves apace and home soo. (Would they lend hyou a wheelchair and let her out to pick the children up on the first day? On condition you brought her back within a set amount of time, or something? Our little cottage hospital will allow that occasionally, depending upon the condition of the patient and the occasion.)

hellsbellsmelons · 26/08/2015 14:43

Thanks for the update - pleased to see things are improving, even if it isn't at the pace your DW would like.
She needs to take her time to recover. Don't let her rush anything.

PausingFlatly · 26/08/2015 15:28

If you do make a special trip to school, a good tip is to do all the faffing about what to wear, etc, two days beforehand. Day before actual trip is rest day.

CaptainSwan · 26/08/2015 15:41

I've been quietly loving this thread! Best wishes for a quick and successful recovery for Mrs Op. Xx

matyandwillsmum · 26/08/2015 21:54

Hope your DW continues to get better!

RainbowRoses · 28/08/2015 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chimchar · 28/08/2015 09:58

Your poor wife has had a really crappy time. I hope she is feeling much better very soon.

you are lovely, and doing a great job of being Husband and Daddy. Don't forget to look after yourself too.

Cake and Flowers for you both x

Gruntfuttock · 30/08/2015 20:41

I'm just bumping this in the hope that the OP might see that his wife hasn't been forgotten and will have the time to let us know how she is getting on.

Original poster
worriedH · 05/09/2015 18:53

Hi, sorry I haven't been back to update for awhile we have been really busy.

So my wife was too sick to leave the hospital in time for the DCs first day at school.
I took a load of pictures for her and they visited her in their school uniform that evening and told her about it but it upset her a lot and I know she is still gutted about it.

On the brighter side she is getting slowly better. She can sit up by herself now and hold and feed the baby for long periods of time completely unaided so she is making a load of progress.

OP posts: